AIBU to wish my other half earned more money?

[WorkerBee926]

My other half and I have been together for a few years and have been discussing trying to have our first baby. I work hard 5-6 days a week in banking and have worked really hard for my career. My other half is self employed and does very little to increase his earnings only working 2-3 days most weeks. I pay 90% of our household bills and I already owned my own home before we got together.

Am I unreasonable to have misgivings about starting a family when I know I'll only be able to take a minimal about of maternity leave because we couldn't meet all of our bill payments on his earnings alone?

I'm also concerned that, statistically, women earn an average of 30% less when they return to the workplace after having children?

I love my other half and would love to become a mum, but I don't want to give up everything I've worked for, give up my career and worry all the time about bills.

Any advice is appreciated!

Please don't end up like my friend OP.

She has been with a man now for seven years, thinking he was good 'dad' material. She is super bright and a high earner. As soon as he moved into her house he resigned from his job and hasn't worked since. That was SIX YEARS AGO.

He has no intention of working and doesnt even to the bulk of the housework. He has no family he speaks to and only one friend so god knows how he spends all his time. She's 38 soon and desperate for a baby but feels she can't just finish with him as he's unemployed living the life of riley and she'd never be able to meet anyone new at her age who wanted children.

She pays for absolutely everything including holidays and drinks/meals when they go out. Don't be her.

He thinks he works really hard (the other day he told me he'd worked really hard on a job for two days so needed the next day off to recover?!?!) But the last 12 clients he's had I've arranged for him. He thinks his business is going really well

Are you seriously considering having children with someone so deluded? He's lazy and he'd be a lazy parent. You're crazy if you think parenthood will change him at all.
This has bad plan written all over it.

What does he do the other 4-5 days a week when he is off? If I was working so little (with no children) I would have filled the time, not necessarily paid work but something productive.

I get the feeling he is just mooching around, watching TV?

womanwithoutasong just posted what I was going to - have this conversation, don't just sit waiting for the penny to drop. I know at least two smart and successful female friends who hoped their 'sweetest, nicest' boyfriends would get off their arses and start earning money instead of playing at self-employment, to the point where they had to give up the baby they wanted, for the sake of the toddler already in their living room.

Don't get distracted by feeling mercenary about the money issue, because it's not really that - it's more about having to do everything else at home and meet the bills. Fair enough if a man's chosen career doesn't earn much, but if he works hard at it, pulls his weight with the housework and generally makes you feel you're both part of a team, that's fine. It's when he contributes nothing financially or practically other than his 'niceness'...

I think you need to stop helping him with the business - if he can't stand up on his own two feet with it then you're just giving him a false sense of competency here. When mention, explain the case for him being a stahp & what you would expect him to do (ie housework etc) - plenty of women in banking only take 3 months if they are good earners, but they nearly always have a stay at home spouse who handles the house/kids. You don't want to be in a situation where he's the stahp yet you're doing most of the housework.

I would have serious misgivings, having been in the exact same position but not recognising it as an issue.

I had money in the bank and a great job, DP worked for himself just to get by, no ambition. He spent a 50k inheritance and all he had at the end was an ok car. We had children, he didn't work on his career as he waited for me to go back to my well paid job and sort out money problems he created but kept hidden from me. I' had been made redundant and want to go back to it as it was the kind of job where you get in at 8 and leave at 7 and answer emails at midnight. I've switched to a family friendly but lower paid job.

He tries harder now, but not hard enough, eg he has had no work in January and I have to push him a lot. It's like having a third child.

We have no sex in six years because he has let me down so many times I don't find him attractive, he is more like my child or errant brother.

He wonders why he hasn't,t got a big house and car. He moans about people who get money from their parents. He forgets he got the money and spent it and he met me who had the deposit for a house in London saved up by herself.

I look at women with equal partners, men with ambition and good jobs who take care of their partners and family and wish I had one.

So, Op, dont have kids with somebody who can't step up to the plate financially.

You've even arranged his last 12 clients for him! What does he actually do?

And no, he doesn't do all the housework stuff or childcare either.

You either need to find a decent, ie non lazy partner with a work ethic, or accept you won't have children if you stay with this manchild. A baby will not kick him up the bum. It will give him ever more excuses to be a lazy sod because he'll then be tired and do even less work. So you work a lot more, do all of the housework, find him clients and pay 90% of the bills and his contribution is 2 or 3 days of work that you have found for him, and not long days at that, 10% of bills and sometimes (yes I did note you said usually has dinner on for you) cooks then washes up the next morning - again proving he is a lazy sod.

I'm not in the same position as my DH has always worked and does work hard, but they have always been low paid jobs which he has been happy to plod along with for an easy work life (and he has admitted this). I am ill and am unable to work, although am currently trying to find a small part time position but not having any luck, and I do feel a little resentful that DH doesn't have a need to step up and actually try and do something about the situation. He got promoted a year ago, great, but the promised payrise after a year hasn't materialised and I have had to nag him to chase work up, which they can't decide if he will get it or not and he has worked damn hard this last year. If he doesn't get it, I know he will shrug his shoulders and say nothing he can do. Except in other companies he could earn up to 10k more for the same job. He'd rather stay where he is though and moan about how much work he has to do and how stressful it is. I should really have taken notice when we were younger and noted how happy he was in low paid jobs with no ambition to do something about it, but because he did work hard and always had a job, I didn't really think about it but now our financial situation is about to change (I'm going to loose my sickness benefits) it strikes me that he won't do anything at all to try and better our situation and again it's down to me.

Don't ignore what you are already well aware of OP.

This is something you must really speak to him about before having any children. We had the same conversation before marriage. I wanted to be a FT working mum (I earned more and wanted to keep our income high) he wanted to be a SAHD. He actually works 1 day a week and after the SPL ends he is going to be working 3 days a week. Childcare for the one day both of us are working. I do most of the housework and he deals with outside jobs/cars/meals. Works for us but you need to speak to him as he might not want to be the main carer - I can see its not easy for SAH mums or dads and can be quite isolating

Oh and I earn the same after having a child - as I understand it (and I think another poster said) its when you take time out to raise the children that you cant keep up with pay increases (due to being behind in your career so later or no promotion I believe)

I have had 2 DC in almost exactly the situation you describe. I make it work, but have many, many deep levels of bitterness and betrayal at being almost 100% responsible for three dependents rather than two. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Think very carefully - he won't change.

Whats that gloria gaynor song? You have to have a job if you want to be with me? No romance with no finance.

In an ideal world we'd all find that secret seed for a money tree to alleviate financial concerns. I also know traditionally it is the man who earns more. Tides are changing though.

I would think about OH being the SAHM Dad, but obviously you want some time with DC so wouldn't be working 5/6 days a week.

Financially you'll find there's never a perfect time to have children.
Although being on top and aware of financial outgoings long term is sensible. It could mean lifestyle adjustments, but on the plus side you get a beautiful DC that make them worthwhile. Savings are also important, plus insurances taken out for OH & yourself. Even health insurance if you have no/limited health issues.

It's a big step, it could just be that there isn't the work about for him. I would definitely on Excel or a piece of paper work out, looking at bank statement, all of your outgoings, see if anything can be trimmed, see if work offer incentives like health insurance discounted for both of you. Look at everything your work offers and see if any of it can help with savings to outgoings.

If OH can work say evenings, weekends, whilst you work in the day, you have a perfect solution. If your OH can get contracts to support guaranteed work that would be another thing to think about.

Good luck

I wanted to add, for a long time I was the sole bread winner, I didn't hold it against DH at all. Now the tables are turned though, I'm finding I'm not afforded the same generosity I paid him!

Unless he's thick as shit, he understands housework perfectly well.

In the words of my DM when I split up with my partner (who on getting his degree got a part time job in a shop and spent his entire spare time on the PlayStation whilst claiming to be looking for jobs but only ever sent off two application forms while I paid for everything), thank god you never married him or had children. Wise words. I'm now happily married to someone else.

Do NOT have a child with a man you can't trust to be a responsible father!!! That's a recipe for disaster. Fun loving dad? Yeah, we can all be fun loving people if we don't have to do the work. And do NOT be one of those naive women who think they can change a man by having a child with them! Honestly, your post has disaster written all over it.

FFS woman you're a parent already, except it is isn't to a sweet innocent but a grown arse man. You are partly to blame for this dynamic, this is who he is and I wouldn't bank on him being different any time soon.

If you feel like this now imagine what is going to be like with sleep deprivation and your delicate flower of a partner complaining about not having enough down time. Imagine what it will be like returning to work earlier than you'd want because your partner doesn't have the will to step up. He already expects you to look after him and his business, I'd hate to think what he's going to

You've enabled the very opposite behaviour that you want in your partner. If you feel unsupported now can you imagine what it will be like

There's no evidence that your partner will step up in the future but plenty to suggest that he won't. If you insist on having a child with this delicate flower then be prepared, in terms of financial and parental responsibilities, to be a single parent.

This kind, sweet 'great dad' description doesn't quite match up with him being content for you to carry him financially and your fears of him being a not very responsible parent. .

The concern and worry you feel now, won't magically disappear upon motherhood but in the midst of ehaustion, hormones and stress about paying bills, they will strengthen.

It's time to take a step back because there's nothing lonelier than being a single parent, whilst in a live in relationship with your child's father. My Ex was also a potentially great dad up until the moment I realised that I was expected, (and reluctantly took on the role) of the responsible parent and his role was that of glorified godparent (occasional fun stuff but me always being on hand to take care of nurturing and always to be handed back full responsibility at the end of the evening).

I think deep down you know that your partner isn't great father material but he's on 'on site' and you are so used to being the responsible one that your willing to ignore the glaringly obvious issues you have with his character, in exchange for convenience and familiarity.

Don't confuse the person you want him to be, with the person he actually is.

Call me cynical but I expect the op to come back and say 'but he makes me laugh' (or something similar). Because that's the important quality when you're sleep deprived with a crying newborn and the house looks like a shit tip.

He sounds really lazy and it will get WORSE.

I would steer clear and move on to be honest.

Having a baby is HARD. BOTH parents have to pull their weight.
You also have to consider if after the baby is born, you might not want to go back to work after 3 months. You may end up resenting him just for that if you have to leave your newborn and go back to the grind of 9-5, commutes etc and and then come home and do everything around the house/for the baby.

I'm not saying don't have a baby. But do not be foolish enough to think having a baby will change him or repair any issues. It won't. Be clear of that. And then decide whether you can manage And want to have a baby with a man like that. Babies are full on. If he is to be the main carer then he will have to step up. There is no way my DD will sit in front of the tv hours on end. She constantly wants entertaining and stimulating and going out and about to groups, the park etc.

How can he possibly, honestly, think he works hard? It's not exactly a secret that a)at his age, without children, most able bodied people work full time, and b) full time work is classed as approx 40 hours a week!

if you have children with him you will be exhausted, poorer, and resentful for the next 18 plus years.

I would have a baby with him. When TTC I made sure I was in the position to be ale to raise a child on my own. Then if DH did run off I knew I could do it on my own.

Some people have a great supportive partner but change once baby is born.

I honestly feel that the only way it can really work if you have a SAHP is if you can trust each other and act as a team in terms of both money and housework. I stay home (but do a bit of a freelance work) and it's a given that I'll do all of the housework (DH works long hours and has a commute) and help give him as much free time as possible. Likewise the money he earns is our money. It's also a given that if his work situation was to change I'd be prepared to step up and start earning if we needed it. If the table were turned I'd be happy to work full time and have my DH home.

I would never enter into a SAHP situation where I couldn't trust the working parent to share the money equally or where I couldn't trust the at home parent to pul their weight with housework and get back to work if it were required (including making sure they maintain some employable skills).