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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish my other half earned more money?

180 replies

WorkerBee926 · 02/02/2017 06:34

My other half and I have been together for a few years and have been discussing trying to have our first baby. I work hard 5-6 days a week in banking and have worked really hard for my career. My other half is self employed and does very little to increase his earnings only working 2-3 days most weeks. I pay 90% of our household bills and I already owned my own home before we got together.

Am I unreasonable to have misgivings about starting a family when I know I'll only be able to take a minimal about of maternity leave because we couldn't meet all of our bill payments on his earnings alone?

I'm also concerned that, statistically, women earn an average of 30% less when they return to the workplace after having children?

I love my other half and would love to become a mum, but I don't want to give up everything I've worked for, give up my career and worry all the time about bills.

Any advice is appreciated!

OP posts:
Mittensonastring · 02/02/2017 09:08

Do not have dc with this man and do not marry him because you are the one with assets and a pension.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 09:11

Can I ask op please, why does he only work two days a week? Can he find more clients wnd work more? Is it he can't or doesn't want to?

Also what does he do on the other three days?

bettytaghetti · 02/02/2017 09:15

This reply has been deleted

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alphabook · 02/02/2017 09:16

My DH currently works part time. But he's going to be going back to full time soon, and while he's been part time he's done the majority of the housework and cooking. I don't think it's about the money, it's about the fact that your partner is lazy and doesn't pull his weight. It sounds like you resent him already, and that will only get worse if you have a baby.

PollyPerky · 02/02/2017 09:21

Newbie op posts only one question that sets the cat amongst the pigeons and then sits back & lets you all do the work for their daily fail article. Well done op; journalism 101.
Nah, don't think so. Daily Fail tends to lift whole threads.

Look at the timing of the post betty. My guess is the OP dashed it off before going to work and will read replies when she gets home, having made the dinner, done the laundry and wiped the lazy sods arse.

2014newme · 02/02/2017 09:23

No I wouldn't have a baby with him he actually sounds quite lazy. It would get worse after baby came

Billben · 02/02/2017 09:36

I very much doubt he will work more hours once you have a child. Kids are exhausting so if he is not pulling his weight now, he sure as hell won't do it when the baby has been up half the night and you are all shattered.

sopsmum · 02/02/2017 09:37

My husband is self employed and I have always paid the majority of household expenses as I have the stable income. He actually earns quite a lot but is Awfully wasteful because I can be relied upon to provide our home. Think long and hard op as this is the biggest cause of friction in my relationship and I am very resentful about it.

FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2017 09:37

What would be the point of having him as a SAHD if he does no housework at all (not even his 50%), and can't give the children a stimulating environment.

This. Trust me, you will end up resenting him to kingdom come. I'm not sure if we have a statistically significant sample size yet, but I'm another woman who had a child with a man whose lack of motivation did not magically right itself when he was about to become a father - you think he will because it's what YOU would do, but our growing sample rather indicates that the clue lies in how he is now. My own horror story is that I was back to work on the Monday after the Friday on which I gave birth (but I work from home and I only did an hour or two, so not as terrible as it sounds, but still - you can't not resent that kind of shit).

I also agree with PPs who said he's only sweet because he is currently getting to live life exactly as he wants it - just enough work (which he doesn't even have to set up!) that he can kid himself he's not a total freeloader, bills paid for him, nice home kept beautifully clean by his adoring trophy girlfriend, meals on the table, laundry done, plenty of quality loafing time, sex on tap. You may well find that he's not quite so delightful if he is suddenly expected to step the fuck up.

Ethylred · 02/02/2017 09:41

He's a loser. Whatever you feel for him (which, from what you write, does certainly not include respect) he will remain a loser.

yellowbirdie · 02/02/2017 09:42

OP you've got your shit together and he doesn't. He's not going to change. He is not going to have a sudden personality replacement and step up. Get out while you can! He's lazy and delusional. Sorry OP. Good luck!

user1473069303 · 02/02/2017 09:44

I'm self-employed (female) and my husband has a salaried job. If working 2-3 days per week is normal for your boyfriend, what would happen if that work tailed off? Having a quiet period after a busy period is fine, and par for the course with some self-employed work, but having a prolonged "semi-quiet" period is risky.

I work from home and unless flat-out busy I try to keep the basics ticking over: dishwasher, washing and planning and cooking the evening meal. If it's a quiet period I'll take a day or two off for myself and then get stuck into more housework as well as prospecting for new clients.

I couldn't only work part-time like that and expect my husband to do most of the housework. it isn't fair.

BingoBingoBingoBango · 02/02/2017 09:50

Being a 'fun and loving Dad' is the easy bit. What about the rest of it? The boring stuff, the constant clearing up (and believe me it's never ending) of toys, food, vomit covered clothes, the sleepless nights, nappy changes and poo explosions. The constant and absolute exhaustion. Please don't have a baby in the hope he'll change. Just read the relationship boards to see how that works out. Having a baby tests the absolute bones of your relationship. And when you're on your knees with tiredness you won't have much tolerance for a lazy partner.

EllieQ · 02/02/2017 09:50

Another one saying don't do it. My husband is a great dad, and the most important part of that is that he's a competent adult who can do all the 'shit-work' of parenting (literally in the case of nappy changes), as well as being the fun, caring dad. When you're recovering from childbirth and adapting to this scary new life where a tiny person is completely dependent on you, you need someone who will get on with what needs doing and look after you, not someone who has to be told what to do.

murmuration · 02/02/2017 09:56

OP, from what you've said I'd be concerned. Not about the pay, but about your joint attitudes towards it and each other. Things need to be open and easily discussed for this to work.

I'm in similar position, and 5 years down the line, and thrilled with my DD and DH, who has been SAHD and is now slowly starting his own business. However, I've always known DH will have less earning potential due to his health. And that I'll still do most of the housework, as he simply physically can't. We have both wished things could be the other way around - he really isn't that hot on the SAHD thing (but he is a great dad) and I'd love to spend all day with my child! But I have the health to work full time, and he doesn't, and instead of resenting each other, we both resent the circumstances that force us into this suboptimal setup.

Sometimes, in dark, private moments, I sort of wish I had not fallen in love with a disabled man - but that's a private guilty thought and his wonderfulness and commitment to doing what he can overwhelms any such wish. And we can both wish out loud to each other than he could do more. I end up supporting him emotionally when he is feeling his own dark feelings regarding the distance between his desires and his ability.

It doesn't sound like you have that dynamic with your OH, and instead you're already thinking about resenting him and things haven't even started yet. To make this go ahead, you need to have an honest, open conversation and be able to continue having these conversations as your child grows. If you can't see that happening, I'd be very hesitant indeed.

Leatherboundanddown · 02/02/2017 10:00

Do not have a baby with this person

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 02/02/2017 10:06

The wage gap is a myth

The other members of my team at my old firm, who did exactly the same work as me but were all male, were paid £15K more than me. I'd been there the longest (by years, not months) and was responsible for training them up and being their referral point. I got through more work, passed every single quality check with flying colours - I helped design, roll out and train people on the fucking checks! I found out entirely by accident on a work night out where people got very drunk and let slip what they earned. Oh and this was 18 months ago - so not some historic male/female wage divide!

Anyway...

PLEASE don't have a baby with this man until you have money and work and household chores sorted out. There are loads of threads on there which will tell you that having a baby can be like lobbing a hand grenade into your relationship (in the memorable words of one thread I saw recently!). So if your relationship already has points of friction within it, then you need to get these sorted BEFORE trying for a baby.

ExplodedCloud · 02/02/2017 10:08

He might step up. Unlikely imo but you never know. If he doesn't, you can't send a baby back. So you're then stuck with him or single parenting.
Babies rarely fix problems in a relationship. The tiredness and grind of the early years are far worse if you aren't sharing the load.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/02/2017 10:08

What the hell does he do the other 4-5 days he doesn't work, it's not even spent doing any chores either Confused

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 02/02/2017 10:16

Thatwouldbe - that's a bloody good point. So if he's not working and not doing housework, what is he doing? Whilst OP is out working he's living in her house, whilst she pays the majority of the bills - and all he has to do to is lob dinner at her every so often and wash up? Where do I sign?!

Jett99 · 02/02/2017 10:20

I was in this same situation! I have put in a huge amount of effort to go to uni and get a good career, but my OH was exactly the same when I met him, working maybe three days a week self-employed and wasn't doing much to increase the workload. He had had some big setbacks to be fair to him and I think he was getting disheartened. I sat down with him one day and asked if he'd like some help to expand his business. We sat down, made a plan, and he followed it through. He was just stuck in a rut, and six months later, his business is four times the size. If it's not down to laziness or bone idleness, then maybe you could try to come up with a strategy together?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/02/2017 10:23

amidawish Thu 02-Feb-17 09:01:28

the point isn't the lack of salary/difference in income

it's the difference in work ethic.

for you to continue to be a successful ft working mum you will need massive support at home. it doesn't sound like you will get it.

^
This
DH works part time for himeself and is a SAHD the rest of the time. I earn multiples of his previous full time earnings and pay the majority of the household bills. That is where the similarity with your partner ends.
DH does the school run, the food shopping and the bulk of the cooking and housework during the week. We split it more equally on the weekend. I help him with his business when he asks. He is as sensible with money as I am and has similar goals to me.

FuckTheDailyMail · 02/02/2017 10:26

It isn't just about money though, is it? You could support the family financially - but only if he pulled his weight round the house and didn't think being a SAHP meant parking the baby in front of the TV. It's more of a problem that he doesn't seem to want to put his back into anything, either domestically or professionally. I could live with one of those, and pick up the slack of the other myself - but I couldn't cope with a partner who took no responsibility for either!

ambereeree · 02/02/2017 10:33

OP please think very carefully about having a child with this man...i speak from experience. He will not change and your resentment will grow.

MrsKoala · 02/02/2017 10:34

When he says he works hard and needs a rest, and you piss yourself laughing, what does he say?

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