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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish my other half earned more money?

180 replies

WorkerBee926 · 02/02/2017 06:34

My other half and I have been together for a few years and have been discussing trying to have our first baby. I work hard 5-6 days a week in banking and have worked really hard for my career. My other half is self employed and does very little to increase his earnings only working 2-3 days most weeks. I pay 90% of our household bills and I already owned my own home before we got together.

Am I unreasonable to have misgivings about starting a family when I know I'll only be able to take a minimal about of maternity leave because we couldn't meet all of our bill payments on his earnings alone?

I'm also concerned that, statistically, women earn an average of 30% less when they return to the workplace after having children?

I love my other half and would love to become a mum, but I don't want to give up everything I've worked for, give up my career and worry all the time about bills.

Any advice is appreciated!

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 02/02/2017 07:17

I couldn't be with a partner that only worked part time and certainly wouldn't have a child with them.

Both should share the house and financial earnings for me in a partnership, I don't need to be provided for but expect at least equal input from a spouse.

If you return to work full time, your earnings won't be affected. The pay gap goes into play as lots cut their hours or simply don't return. No different to a non parent who takes a career break or works less hours.

wettunwindee · 02/02/2017 07:17

"No it isn't."

Shit. You've got me there @Kronutpearl

@WorkerBee926 - he sounds lazy then. This isn't someone I'd want to start a family with. It isn't fair on you and it isn't the example you want to set your child.

Garnethair · 02/02/2017 07:17

Walk away.

NorksAreMessy · 02/02/2017 07:17

You might want to rethink even having a baby with him at all.
This doesn't look a good set up for you now, let alone when you bring s baby into it.
Sorry :(

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 02/02/2017 07:17

So if he's only working 2-3 days a week now does he take responsibility for most household chores? Because if the answer is no then he's definitely not going to get better once you bring a baby into the mix.

Not only will you feel resentful that he gets to stay at home with the baby, I predict that once you get home absolutely everything will be your responsibility.

Trifleorbust · 02/02/2017 07:18

You don't sound very compatible in terms of raising a family, I'm afraid. You earn, you clean... What does he do? He won't change. You will resent him for being able but unwilling to put the effort in to parenting well. You will be sad because you will see other mums with their children in on mat leave and know you can't have what they have.

I will be going back to work so my DH can have some of the shared leave with our first baby, but I wouldn't want to make that sacrifice if he was as lazy as yours sounds!

Kiwiinkits · 02/02/2017 07:19

Listen to us, the mothers of mumsnet. We know what we're talking about.

With hindsight, these are the values I would advise my daughters to look for in a husband:

  1. Hard worker and active contributor to household labour, including maintenance and routine household tasks
  2. Not violent, not alcholoic, not depressed, not a drug taker
  3. Respects his mother , but keeps a respectful distance from her
  4. Doesn't overly enjoy televised sports like golf, cricket or motorsport
  5. Doesn't like gaming
  6. Likes animals and children

Pretty much anything else goes for a father I think. Anything on the above list of six is a deal breaker for me.

NotAPuffin · 02/02/2017 07:19

I'm sorry to say it but if I were you I'd get out while I still could. He won't change, people don't, no matter how much you want them to. This man is going to make you unhappy.

Zippidydoodah · 02/02/2017 07:20

I agree, you're very sensible to think this through before getting pregnant,

He's so lazy and work shy, there's no way I'd ever consider having kids with him. You're carrying him in more ways than one.

PovertyPain · 02/02/2017 07:21

Ignore my previous post.

(he really doesn't understand housework at all)
Said every woman that ever made an excuse for her man being a lazy fucker. Dump him. You deserve someone on your wave length. If you have a baby and spli you'll be forever tied to this cocklodger.

BankWadger · 02/02/2017 07:22

My STBXH was self employed. The constant lack of money is a factor in our relationship breakdown.
He would talk about ways of bringing in more, but they were either always totally unfeasible or he just wouldn't follow through. Then he'd sit there complaining we had no money to do anything Hmm

A friend is also going through a rocky patch in her marriage due to her self employed husband not bringing money in. She's on mat leave and he has only just twigged there is suddenly no money.

So think long and hard before having children and putting yourself in a vulnerable position.

Charlie97 · 02/02/2017 07:24

So

  1. You arrange his clients for him
  2. He can only manage two days work at a time
  3. You pay 90% of the bills
  4. He doesn't understand (not sure what that actually means) housework
5 if left alone with his child, you feel he would sit in front of TV non stop?

Run as fast as you can......do not have a baby with this man!

He does a couple of days work, spends the rest of his time sitting around. Whilst you work full time, cook, clean and pay for him to sit around. Why would you consider throwing a baby into this mix? Can you imagine the night dealings, even if he wasn't working the next day 100% of everything would be down to you!

You would be one a single parent to two children, is that what you want?

tooclosetocall · 02/02/2017 07:26

I agree with lilybetsy, DJ and Kiwi

I don't see big changes for the better after he becomes a parent. In a way you already know this too?

Your relationship will deteriorate rapidly once resentment sets in.

christinarossetti · 02/02/2017 07:27

Do you want to be with him? Or do you want to be with someone?

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 02/02/2017 07:30

The thing is, it's not really about wanting your partner to earn more is it? If he was earning the same amount whilst really working hard to match you then you'd feel differently. Or if he was honest that business was quiet at the moment but ensured he was covering all household chores because he had so much free time then you'd feel differently.

It's not about the money, it's the attitude that you're covering his costs so he doesn't have to bother and that is definitely not a great dynamic to have before having a kid.

JanuaryMoods · 02/02/2017 07:31

There's no way I'd be planning DCs with such an idle man.

londonrach · 02/02/2017 07:33

The wage thing in nhs is wrong as we all get paid on a scale. Doesnt help op but just thought id add that. Op you have a few choices here...including you going back to work dp becomes sahd which seems the best fit for your circumstances. However thats without baby in picture as you might change your mind about returning to work full time once you have her, him. I certainly did. Before having a baby through with dp id get your relationship more equal money wise. Whats he doing for the days when hes not working. He needs 50:50 on bills. Id also protect yourself financially as you unmarried and had a house prior to meeting him. Things to think of. I wouldnt have a child with him till you more equal and youve secured yourself financially.

Sparklyuggs · 02/02/2017 07:35

Are you married to him OP? Did you discuss finances and family before children? Until recently we both worked full time but DH earns 5x my salary but we both contribute equally to the house-cleaning, chores, organising things etc.

It is his choice not to work full time and not earn much, but if so then I would think very carefully about paying for so much, especially as you don't seem happy about it.

Your posts imply he is lazy and if so then he isn't going to step up if there were a baby around.

londonrach · 02/02/2017 07:36

Just seen he doesnt understand housework. Wow, op really think before having a baby. As a part time worker he should be doing most of the housework. What is he doing with his time? (Second dp maybe, gaming...)

Original poster
WorkerBee926 · 02/02/2017 07:42

His typical hours of work are 8-4 or something similar. I work 8.30-5.30 usually and work a bit further away than him so I tend to get in from work at about 7pm so he'll usually have dinner on when I get home and do the washing up in the morning before he goes to work. But all other housework I do, unless I specifically ask him to help out with something, like hoovering the stairs etc

He knows I have concerns about what he earns, and it's almost come to an argument a couple of timeps as he gets a bit embarrassed and he really does think he works hard! .

I love him very much, and he is the sweetest, nicest person in the world and I know he would be a fun and loving Dad to any kids we have. I'd hate to deny him the opportunity to be a parent because of something like money, but I remember my parents arguing about money when I was growing up and that's always stayed with me. I've worked really hard to get to a point where I earn a reasonable income (by no means huge, but I'm comforable)

OP posts:
Bluebellevergreen · 02/02/2017 07:44

First: "The wage gap is a myth" Grin are you a climate change denier too?

Mmhhh tricky. I dont think it is just about the money. My DH and I both have careers that some people might describe as exciting and fullfilling = we will never earn lots.

We are expecting a baby. I sometimes wish we earned more (many times) but I know DH is happy with his (two!) jobs and with my qualifications in a particular field of science I will never earn lots.

He seems to be one of those people that simply find that they dont need/ want lots of money which is fine. But maybe the kind of life you want or imagine for yourself and DC is different?

I think non of you are unreasonable at all but I do think that before having DC you need to look hard at both your plans and expectations for the future or there will be resentment/ arguments...

Good luck

junebirthdaygirl · 02/02/2017 07:44

Only way he will change is through consequences but even that may not work. Start saving your money and insist he pays half if everything. Stop looking for clients for him. Step back and see if he steps forward. If after a while nothing happens you know you are in for a life of resentment and misery. For goodness sake he is a grownan, healthy l presume he should work a give day week. I wouldn't get into arguments just stop propping him up and see what happens. Is he young?
In my experience most self employed men work too many hours. Could he just get a bloody job with someone as the self employed thing obviously doesn't suit him.
Don't have a baby at this stage.

SleepymrsE · 02/02/2017 07:46

I wouldn't like to say whether you should stay together or not. However I'm not sure him becoming a SAHD is a great idea either... It's bloody hard work being at home doing childcare. If any child you had is like mine, he wouldn't be able to just plonk them in front of the tv (not in the first couple of years anyway) as they simply won't sit still. I think he would moan even more about needing a rest - and unfortunately the opportunities to 'rest' are rare when you have kids. From what you say it sounds like he wouldn't do the housework so lots will fall to you on top of your full time job.

Ps well done on your career achievements.

Kronutpearl · 02/02/2017 07:47

Ok then enlighten me blue. Why is the wage gap a myth?

🙄

peppatax · 02/02/2017 07:48

The pay impact is not only relevant if you work less than 100% - time off for maternity leave impacts your progression and if you work somewhere with planned promotion routes then due to timing you can easily miss 2-3 of these having 2 children therefore earn less for 100% than you would have done compared to child free colleagues on the same ladder