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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish my other half earned more money?

180 replies

WorkerBee926 · 02/02/2017 06:34

My other half and I have been together for a few years and have been discussing trying to have our first baby. I work hard 5-6 days a week in banking and have worked really hard for my career. My other half is self employed and does very little to increase his earnings only working 2-3 days most weeks. I pay 90% of our household bills and I already owned my own home before we got together.

Am I unreasonable to have misgivings about starting a family when I know I'll only be able to take a minimal about of maternity leave because we couldn't meet all of our bill payments on his earnings alone?

I'm also concerned that, statistically, women earn an average of 30% less when they return to the workplace after having children?

I love my other half and would love to become a mum, but I don't want to give up everything I've worked for, give up my career and worry all the time about bills.

Any advice is appreciated!

OP posts:
DragonitesRule · 02/02/2017 15:41

I wouldn't have a baby with him-he will not run off and leave you to it-why should he? He can stay for an easy life, doing nothing but TV/"look after" baby, whilst you work, do the housework, look after them all and give him pocket money!

Ohyesiam · 02/02/2017 17:48

A couple of things, when I was an AU pair, the contract was 5 hours a day, and every other aupair i met was the same.
Sound like you need to talk it all through with him, so he knows what's involved and you can decide if you can make it work between you, or if it's not for you x

ENormaSnob · 02/02/2017 18:30

He is a sponging, scrounging twat.

Gather some self respect and get rid.

NavyandWhite · 02/02/2017 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

choli · 02/02/2017 18:57

Run, do not have a baby with this guy. Let him find someone else to sponge off. You would be better off as a single parent.

yorkshapudding · 02/02/2017 20:01

Money should be the least of your worries in this situation. I would be more concerned that his inherent laziness and selfishness would make his a nightmare to co-parent with.

You say that he works 2-3 days a week, does no housework but "genuinely thinks he works hard", which suggests that the sheer mental and physical exhaustion of looking after newborn is going to come as one hell of a shock to him! He's happy to work two days a week and whilst you slog your guts out to keep you both afloat financially, so why wouldn't he take the same approach to Parenthood and let you take on all the hard work and responsibility while he just dips in and out when he feels like it?

Run.

MargeryFenworthy · 02/02/2017 20:31

There is no excuse for any healthy man not go earn a living. I cannot fathom these workshy men or the women who put up with them.

bloodyteenagers · 02/02/2017 21:34

He's a looser. There's better out there.
He works part time when he could work more.
You source him most of his clients.
You work full time plus help him with his business.
You do all the cleaning.
He cooks a few meals.
You pay for 90% of everything... how can any adult who doesn't have any caring needs, and is fully able to work full time not have any pride and sponges off others?

Hes lazy and selfish. Marry this arse and he will take you to the cleaners. Have a child with this looser he will take you to the cleaners because he can say he's the full time carer.

he's done you a favour. Better to find out now than wait 20 years and have to pay for this looser even after separation.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 02/02/2017 21:47

In terms of practicalities, if you are wanting to breastfeed it would be really hard to go back to work when baby is 3 montgs old.
Plus you will have to establish who is going to do the nights waking, it's the shattering part IMO.

EweAreHere · 02/02/2017 21:58

Any thoughts, OP?

Kiwiinkits · 02/02/2017 22:05

Ha ha it's very easy to be a "fun, loving father" Parenting isn't really that though, it's actually a lot of work. Grinding, repetitive work. Laundry, cleaning up, laundry, cleaning up, tantrums, tears, sleepless nights, laundry, cleaning up and more laundry and more cleaning up thrown in.

You only get to have fun when all the shitwork is done. Don't be the one doing the shitwork while he's having the fun.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/02/2017 22:24

"parenthood may change him?? Hoping it will provide a kick up the bum to "provide for his family" !?"
DO NOT start a family on this basis. Sheesh. No, parenthood will not change him. It will not provide a kick up the bum. He will swan along as before, with you paying "90% of our household bills" and burning yourself out in the process.

Sit down with him and TALK. With spreadsheets showing what the household bills are. And discuss how they would be paid if your salary wasn't coming in. You said you were discussing having your first baby - well broaden the discussion to include how you are BOTH going to pay for that baby.

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/02/2017 23:37

The great news is that you are not pregnant yet. You have a chance to dodge that yawning great hole in the ground!

Unless you decide you are happy to be the breadwinner with him doing the childcare, it just won't work.

Singasongofsadness · 03/02/2017 00:55

True!

LilacSpatula · 03/02/2017 01:07

My DH earns less than me, but enough to cover our bills. I'm on maternity leave currently and feel very secure in the knowledge that without him I could cover the bills/rent and also nursery bills. For me that's a greater comfort than if our annual wages were swapped over. I'm financially independent and I like it that way.

LilacSpatula · 03/02/2017 01:08

I should add that when I return to work my DM will cover two days a week, I'll do one and go back 4 days a week and DH will cover one. She'll have one at nursery.

LilacSpatula · 03/02/2017 01:14

Oh dear rtft and sounds worse than just money...

annandale · 03/02/2017 02:04

The money and the housework wouldn't mean all that much to me, but the shoving the baby in front of the TV would burn.

The physical grunt work of bringing up babies and children is just that, physical grunt work. Repetitive physical tasks done when you are much further beyond the edge of exhaustion than is healthy. Very few people never cut corners with this, though you need to recognise what corners really matter - not sure he would do this.

The emotional, language and communication, skills side - now THAT matters. And there is just no substitute for putting the hours in on that front. Yes you have to read stories. And not just race through them in a monotone. Yes you have to sing nursery rhymes (does he know any? and if not, would he go and borrow or buy a book of them, and learn them, and sing them to the baby?) Yes you have to sit and watch the baby waving its hands, or grabbing its feet, or bashing a saucepan, or building a tower and knocking it down, etc etc etc, and talk to them about what they are doing, and bathe them in words, at their level and pace or just beyond, so they know that they are worth paying attention to, and so that they develop. Not all the time, God knows, but some of the time. Do you think he would consider any of that important? And all the other stuff? Would he even recognise what it is?

Original poster
WorkerBee926 · 03/02/2017 06:28

Thank you everyone for your feedback. Most of you are saying the same thing, so I guess I have some serious thinking to do

OP posts:
Bct23 · 03/02/2017 07:23

Laziness is a very unattractive trait.

It's not just men either. I can't get my head around SAHM who don't work when their kids have gone to school. That's lazy too in my eyes unless you have plenty of money and don't need any more.

A wife of a friend hasn't worked for 15 years despite her husband having all sorts of stress with his job. She is extremely lazy.

MsVestibule · 03/02/2017 07:31

Easy as it is for us to say 'dump him, he'll make you unhappy in the long term', it's never easy to finish a relationship with a 'nice' guy.

I've been very happily married for nearly 8 years, we have two children and I can honestly say that shared goals, attitudes to money and consideration for each other are more important than love. I know how unromantic that sounds, but for me, it's true. The fact that he's a great husband (most of the time!) and dad makes me love him.

It's great that you're thinking seriously about this - far too many women think 'he'll change', but I don't think many do...

MrsMeeseeks · 03/02/2017 08:00

he really doesn't understand housework at all

On no account breed with this person. Find an adult to settle down with instead.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2017 08:10

'it's never easy to finish a relationship with a 'nice' guy.'

Even harder when you've got a kid with him. He isn't 'nice', he's a lazy freeloader.

DropZoneOne · 03/02/2017 08:12

If there's even the slightest bit of resentment towards him now, for not working enough, earning enough or helping out enough, this will be magnified with a baby in the household.

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