DD is pregnant and I'm devastated

[Veryworriedmumof1]

My husband thinks I'm BU and that we will deal with like like we've dealt wi everything else in life. He's a glass half full kind-of man and I'm not. AIBU and overly emotional? To avoid drip feeding; I have depression and anxiety and I can be quite negative and overly fearful.

DD aged 22 has been mentally ill since she was a teenager. She's bright but missed a lot of schooling due to inpatient psychiatric admissions. She's quite determined though and found herself a good job not long after she dropped out of school. Things were improving for her; she had a job, she occasionally socialised and she seemed less unwell. Then, she met an emotionally abusive alcohol dependent arsehole. I think that's when we lost her.

DD and the arsehole live 20 miles from us in the most disgusting hovel that I've ever seen. I know that people with mental health problems can self neglect but she was never like this before she met him. I've tried everything to make her life better; I go to their flat once a week to clean, do all their laundry, buy food, make them dinner and drop it around. I give her money to spend on nice things for herself but I expect she gives it to him to buy booze. :( She kept missing work and lost her job late last year.

DD confessed that she wanted to move nearer to me and I offered to sell our house, buy a flat and give her the money to rent in our area. They discussed it, apparently, but he doesn't want to, so she won't. Her room is here and available for her. I want her home.

We love our daughter very much and she has lots of positive attributes. However, her mental illness brings out the worst in her. She's so demotivated and can barely look after herself at the moment. When she said that she was pregnant, I told her that I loved her and would support her. I can't stop sobbing. She can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself. DD is 5ft5 and must be less than 7 stone now because she doesn't eat properly. She doesn't get dressed most days and I don't know she doesn't shower as much as she could. I've dragged her to the GP but she won't go. There's nothing I can do with an adult who won't engage with mental health services. I don't want to have to contact social services about my own daughter but they can't safely look after a child, so what choice do I have?

We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby but we will do everything in our power to support DD. She is welcome to move back home with the baby (and we will help) but that arsehole is not stepping foot through my door.

I know she's an adult but she's an ill one who missed out on growing up due to mental illness. She is immature and I don't even ask her to look after the cats while we are away because she couldn't cope with the responsibility.

I've given her info on women's aid and other DV charities. I've offered to fund private therapy for her. I know I'm a mug doing her cleaning but she's ill and I can't have her living in filth. I will never see any grandchild of mine living like that either.

I'm crushed. I want her to be happy and healthy.

Sorry that was longer than expected but I wanted to give all the information. I've name changed too.

Only hand holding here, couldn't read and run.

You sound a phenomenal mother. I admire everything you have done. I'm so sorry for your pain - I understand why you would feel crushed. Someone wiser and better informed than me will be along asap.

Unmumsnetty hugs. Xxx

Oh bless you both. That sounds so hard. Any chance she'd go along to Alanon meetings with you? For families of alcoholics x

Oh gosh I don't want to read and run. This must be so so difficult for you. Hopefully there will be people along soon who have been in more similar situations.

I suppose all you can do for now is check in with her regularly on her progress, gentle reminders about MW app9intments and maybe suggest that you can come along for support if she needs it.

The long term health and wellbeing of your daughter is paramount, and whilst ss must become involved if her situation doesn't improve, I'd at least wait a little while to see whether the impending pregnancy sparks and kind of decisions or strengths in her.

Does she have the Internet at home? Is she capable of getting herself an account on MN and using that as another means of support?

Sounds very very difficult for you op. She does need to see her GP though. Coukd you contact the midwife service to ask for help? If all else fails and she refuses to engage then I would think you had to contact SS for her and the babies sake.

Sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. The fact that she has you two as parents is very much in your DD's favour. I think it's also good to have one glass half full parent and one parent that's more acutely aware of dangers.

Of course it's so important that you keep lines of communication open to her, so that if at some point she feels ready to leave her partner you're there with open arms. Honestly it sounds like you're doing everything right.

Hopefully someone with more experience will be along soon with some more concrete advice.

I have no wise words. You must be heartbroken to see your DD so unhappy. I'm sorry I can't think of anything helpful to say.

Make sure you attend her ante natals with her so you get her midwife in the loop about her history. Likely she will get outside services involved if there are concerns. .

On the half full side you need to prepare for being a grandma xx

What a difficult situation

I would expect once she sees the gp or mw about her pregnancy and they see from her medical history she has mental health issues they will instigate some support

This could be the thing to make her accept support op. From what you say ss need to be involved for the sake of the baby. I'll probably be shot down but I would be contacting her midwife now to let her know what you've told us there. The earlier they start putting a support package around her and the baby the better.

Agreed.

This could be the thing to make her accept support op. From what you say ss need to be involved for the sake of the baby. I'll probably be shot down but I would be contacting her midwife now to let her know what you've told us there. The earlier they start putting a support package around her and the baby the better.

This. Her history will flag up as soon as she has an antenatal visit. Try and go to one with her so they know you are behind her and encourage her to open up a little to them. Hopefully she will see the light and gain the courage to get out of the destructive relationship for the babies sake if not her own.

Get social services involved, they are to guide and support parents that are struggling and will have access to a range of services and courses that will benefit mum, dad (if possible) and yourselves. Your not a bad parent for involving them, your doing what's best for your daughter and her unborn child who will need you both.
Sending hugs your way x

so sorry to hear it op, i'd be devastated too. I'd also immediately contact the MW - I'd be concerned right now that the baby is not getting adequately nourished if your DD's weight is so low, and I'd want SS to start looking at where they live. You need 3rd parties involved ASAP because of the alchie loser and that he's controlling your DD and keeping you at arm's length. Hugs to you, it's every mum's nightmare that their DD takes up with some awful bloke.

Absolutely get social services involved.

What RJ says. Does your dd have a midwife yet? Could you enlist her help and support? I am sure she would have a good idea about where to get support.

for you OP - you sound like one in a million.

Getting social services involved now means they can get her help/support so she is more likely to be in a better state to look after her baby, rather than waiting til baby arrives. You sound like an amazing mum.
GP/midwife can't discuss your daughters care or even confirm she's a patient, but you can give information one way to them

Thank you for the kind words and support. I feel guilty speaking this way about my lovely daughter. She has a lot of potential and I genuinely believe that if she got away from him and came back to us, she'd start getting back on track.

They are both in deep denial about his drinking. Sometimes, we talk and I see this look in her eye that tells me she is aware his drinking is a problem but then, her manipulates her and they play lovey dovey happy couple.

She hasn't been under any mental health service for a few years now. She sees one GP about 3-4 times a year. I take her to the appointment and I don't know what goes on in the room but he gives her about 30 minutes.

The pregnancy is recent news. She hasn't even managed to see the GP yet, although she has promised me that if I make her an appointment, she will go. I doubt she'll let me in but if she goes, I'll be happier.

DD has a lot of anxiety about medical professionals because of all the time she spent in psychiatric units. I have told her that it's fine when it's her but she now has someone else to think about.

I'm feeling really emotional today, so I'm planning on eating a lot of chocolate and going over later with DH. He's very rational and sensible.

Thanks again. I feel like I've failed her. :(

That sounds so hard
FWIW I know of families where mum and child live with GPs as an alternative to babies going in to care. You should research special guardianship orders as you can apply for one and share care with DD but that would give you PR which overrides both of theirs meaning you could prevent her from taking baby to live with dad.
It will be a hard road but the alternative will probably be adoption.
Please don't assume that midwives will tell social services, also midwives won't know about how they live so won't have the full picture. I'm afraid you will need to make the report.

If you know who your dds GP is, I would try contacting them initially, perhaps by letter even and outline your concerns so that they can make her midwife aware of her needs. She will get a booking appointment with the midwife at home, and I'd imagine that the situation will then become visible to them anyway. Perhaps don't help with cleaning etc in the short term (though I appreciate that's hard) so they get a true reflection of how she's living. You can't make her take support though, and if she won't take any help, the reality is that she won't be able to look after her baby. I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling, I'm a new grandmother myself and the excitement has been overwhelming - you're not getting that part, and that must be devastating. If you don't get anywhere with the GP, does your DD have a CPN that she sees? Or failing that, phone the SS helpdesk in your area and try putting her on their radar that way. Best wishes .

You have to do what's best for the baby. Maybe this will be the making of her, but you do have to put the baby's interest first.

Op I'm so sad for you. Your DD sounds a lot like my sister and my heart is truly aching for you. All I can say is that you still have your girl here. It could be so much worse and I know the situation is dire as it is. You are not being overemotional, sorry for the twee phrase but I'm sure that's your momma bear instinct kicking in to give you strength. It might seem as though you aren't getting through to her, but from where I'm standing you are a pillar of strength for your DD and she must understand that on some level

Sorry OP. It sounds really tough for you and your family. She does have options though, if you say it's recent news then I assume it's early on? She doesn't have to continue with the pregnancy.