DD is pregnant and I'm devastated

[Veryworriedmumof1]

My husband thinks I'm BU and that we will deal with like like we've dealt wi everything else in life. He's a glass half full kind-of man and I'm not. AIBU and overly emotional? To avoid drip feeding; I have depression and anxiety and I can be quite negative and overly fearful.

DD aged 22 has been mentally ill since she was a teenager. She's bright but missed a lot of schooling due to inpatient psychiatric admissions. She's quite determined though and found herself a good job not long after she dropped out of school. Things were improving for her; she had a job, she occasionally socialised and she seemed less unwell. Then, she met an emotionally abusive alcohol dependent arsehole. I think that's when we lost her.

DD and the arsehole live 20 miles from us in the most disgusting hovel that I've ever seen. I know that people with mental health problems can self neglect but she was never like this before she met him. I've tried everything to make her life better; I go to their flat once a week to clean, do all their laundry, buy food, make them dinner and drop it around. I give her money to spend on nice things for herself but I expect she gives it to him to buy booze. :( She kept missing work and lost her job late last year.

DD confessed that she wanted to move nearer to me and I offered to sell our house, buy a flat and give her the money to rent in our area. They discussed it, apparently, but he doesn't want to, so she won't. Her room is here and available for her. I want her home.

We love our daughter very much and she has lots of positive attributes. However, her mental illness brings out the worst in her. She's so demotivated and can barely look after herself at the moment. When she said that she was pregnant, I told her that I loved her and would support her. I can't stop sobbing. She can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself. DD is 5ft5 and must be less than 7 stone now because she doesn't eat properly. She doesn't get dressed most days and I don't know she doesn't shower as much as she could. I've dragged her to the GP but she won't go. There's nothing I can do with an adult who won't engage with mental health services. I don't want to have to contact social services about my own daughter but they can't safely look after a child, so what choice do I have?

We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby but we will do everything in our power to support DD. She is welcome to move back home with the baby (and we will help) but that arsehole is not stepping foot through my door.

I know she's an adult but she's an ill one who missed out on growing up due to mental illness. She is immature and I don't even ask her to look after the cats while we are away because she couldn't cope with the responsibility.

I've given her info on women's aid and other DV charities. I've offered to fund private therapy for her. I know I'm a mug doing her cleaning but she's ill and I can't have her living in filth. I will never see any grandchild of mine living like that either.

I'm crushed. I want her to be happy and healthy.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. i think every mum would feel exactly the same as you in these circumstances.
As others have said, contact her dr or midwife and tell them everything you've said here. I'd also tell them you want to remain annonomous as it may push your dd further away if she feels you went to them behind her back.

You sound like a wonderful mother, and your daughter is very lucky to have you.

How far along is she? What is her own attitude towards her pregnancy, because from what you say, she should not be taking on parenthood right now, and well, there are other options. Should she have the baby at all?

If she wishes to proceed with the pregnancy, then you have to think of the baby's welfare as well as her own, and it could be that the baby would have a better life with another family. This is something she may be willing to consider.

Is her partner violent towards her?

Oh, OP, I feel for you.

I would agree with all who say getting the social services involved. If you haven't had any dealings with SS before it sounds very scary, but it's not, it's a help. And a social worker making suggestions to your DD may be heard very differently by her than you making the same sorts of suggestions.

YANBU - I would be upset too.

How many weeks pregnant is she? Has she seen a midwife or GP yet?

there is not much you can do, other than to keep the door open for her to return and to support her as much as you can. Stop giving her cash, as you are enabling his drinking by basically buying it for him. Anything you give them make sure it is low value and can't be sold. So doing laundry etc is fine, but gifting a nice new tv - no no no!

It's very difficult, as you want to support your daughter, but you don't want to enable him and his drinking. Take it day by day, and see what happens. Social services may be of help, but don't bank on it. I had dealings with them in my work - even worse situation. And they didn't want to know until the child was born. (And then when child was born had to be heavily involved - rather than intervening when pregnant to help so that things didn't get that bad). All down to shortages of cash and resources.

Just seen your last post - you have not failed her. Please don't think that. You love her and try to do the best you can for her. You are a brilliant parent xxxxx

You're still in touch! And she is opening up to you and wants you involved, so that's amazing. You sound a really strong family. Can I just add SS being involved isn't a bad thing - they supported my mentally ill sister who had been sectioned many times and helped her and my parents look after the baby together (like Gallevich says, rather than her going into care) after a spell in a special mother & baby unit. They really supported my parents' involvement. It sounds like a v different situation for you but they were fantastic in terms of support around the birth so don't feel it's a bad thing to be in touch with them & keep asking around for help. Good luck! xx

Such a sad situation and I really feel for you OP. Midwifery services will be involved and should therefore pick up on the things your worried about. Although people do slip through the net. It depends whether your daughter is honest when they ask about mental health history etc also where I live pregnant mothers are not seen at home unless concerns they know off. The GP should know all the history and when making referral to midwifery share that? I hope.

Probably wouldn't hurt to perhaps offer support to her booking in appt? That way she can't ignore the question when asked? I get she may want her partner at the appt.

I wonder and feel hopeful you maybe feel strong enough to tell her your concerns. They are not looking after themselves properly and tell her that midwives and health visitor would be concerned if saw state of house etc. See how it goes? I am a social worker in child protection so get it and would be as worried as you are.

Health.visitors undertake home visits before birth in my area and again after so this is positive. An anonymous call to SS is an option but obvs better if you can be up front.

Good luck with it all.

Don't feel guilty OP you sound lovely
Hold on to the fact that once she is in the maternity care system she will be looked after and monitored
It maybe a good thing for her , when the baby comes she may loose interest in her BF after all there's nothing like a mothers love

I'm supporting a relative under similar circumstances. I found that Social Services will help constructively providing (and this is the big one) you say you are available to take the baby if something went wrong. I was told quite bluntly that if I didn't they would get a court order to remove the baby from said relative at birth (she has severe depression, house a tip).

Op please don't feel like you've failed her, though I do understand (my own Dd has had mental health problems) You are there for your dd and that is the most important thing.

You need to speak to SS. They will help your daughter get assistance and will make sure she cares for the baby. You've really done as much as can and its time to get outside help. What a difficult situation for you 🙁

I was talking to my Health Visitor friend yesterday about a mutual friend's situation that is much like this. Your DD won't go to the GP, but will she be attending ante natal checks, scans etc, because maybe that is something you could support her through? You will then be a known face to relevant health professionals. On a positive note, the DF and DD I know had a very strained relationship pre baby and are a lot closer now.

Hello, your dilemma has encouraged me to stop lurking as I feel I have experience in a situation similar to yours, except I would be your daughter. I am 22 and mother to a 5 month old dd. Before I had her I was in a total state, I had been very mentally ill for a long time, but the cycles of depression and mania seemed to the outside world that perhaps I was ok because I could function some of the time, and my experience trying to get help from the NHS was so discouraging I have up. I had dropped out of university, and been unemployed for a long stretch of time not leaving my flat for months at a time, pushing everyone away and to be honest, living in filth as I just didn't have any reason to clean, I felt so awful about myself I felt that I deserved to live like that because I was worthless, and I was planning on jumping in front of a train. But finding out that I was pregnant and then having my daughter changed everything, I had a reason to live, and something more important than myself to look after and keep safe. She has changed my life and my parents support has meant everything to me when previously I had pushed them away and refused their help, but dd's arrival changed that. I'm returning to university (which I hated and saw as pointless before I was bullied and stolen from by other students and the uni wouldn't step in) when she is a year old and now feel I have the motivation to do it so that I can do the best for my daughter. My life has changed completely I have a purpose and the depression I suffered throughout the pregnancy lifted the moment I first had her in my arms. Of course this may not be the case with your daughter but she sounds as lost as I was and for me the birth really was the catalyst that caused change. I look after my home and myself now as well as my baby. I hope that perhaps your daughter will find it the same when her little one arrives. I think you are doing the best possible thing by offering her to come back to live with you, it is what my parents did for me and I am now in my own place with them nearby and coping better at motherhood than I have with anything else in my life. Continue to be supportive, you really are going above and beyond and I suspect she will come to see that, especially when her baby has arrived and she feels that maternal instinct and understand how much you have done for her. Maybe suggest she comes and reads some posts on MN as it helped me to find perspective and it may make her realise that actually this alcoholic she is living with is dragging her down and will only make her life more difficult. She may not listen if you try to tell her this, but perhaps if she reads some of the different difficulties posters on here have experienced it may make her feel less alone and help her to get the strength to move on. If she wanted to talk I'm happy for her to pm me, as I know I felt isolated as the only person my age that I knew who was pregnant or had children. Anyway, I think you sound like an amazing mum and she is so lucky to have you I hope that it all works out in the end.

Oh god op

No real advice but this sounds awful! Half of it sounds down to the useless "d"p of hers

I wasted a lot of my 20s with a dick head and had a child with him quite young so when I hear stories like this my heart sinks (fwiw I'm happy now and doing well)

Anyway hopefully some other helpful ladies have been along x

Your daughters GP or midwife will not talk to you unless you can get your DD to allow you to accompany her to appointments. I have tried to contact a family member's midwife, not to "tell tales" but just to suggest to them that they ask a few more questions and not just accept what they are told is happening. After taking advice, the receptionist was unable to put me through to the midwife as it would breech patient confidentiality. Our situation is by no means as bad as yours so I will have to just offer them support and watch and wait, like you I wanted them to have help beforehand rather than waiting until the baby was born.
Social services may be your only option.

There could be a silver lining as now support services will have to be involved.

I agree with Astoria as if dd and baby live with you, or you are otherwise involved in the baby's care, you have to consider what will happen if dd is no longer willing or able to participate.
If you have this level of involvement you have to consider you may be left as the sole carer.
I speak from experience here.

Oh i dont really have any advice that hasn't been said you must be devestated she cant look after herself I think if you make sure she goes to the gp get booked into the midwife and support her is the way to go. But this baby might be a lifelong commitment for all of your family and is that something you can cope with ?

Another one here who thinks contacting the MWs (and GP too) is a good idea

Just wanted to offer some support

From what you say ss need to be involved for the sake of the baby. I'll probably be shot down but I would be contacting her midwife now to let her know what you've told us there. The earlier they start putting a support package around her and the baby the better.

I was going to say exactly this. Contact her local community midwife team via the hospital's switch board and have a chat with her midwife. Believe me, the midwife will be grateful for as much information as possible. Children's services and safeguarding teams will be involved and it will help their investigation and will enable them to put support in place for her, baby and for you if they have all of the information to hand. Often safeguarding teams have to do a lot of digging to get all of the information they need as women often don't give a full story to the midwife at initial appointments.

I can see how you're feeling anxious and worried about your daughter and the baby, you're already what sounds like a supportive influence. Just hang in there and see how things go. This baby may be a positive thing which helps her to turn things around.

silkpyjamasallday you sound amazing I am in awe of the changes you have been able to make in your life.

Don't have a lot of advice but just wanted to say what an amazing mum you sound and that many would be lucky to have a mum like you

You are amazing- and you will be amazing grandparents.

There is so much stress and worry for you and it is all completely understandable. Stay strong as you are, and listen to your DH. He is right, it will be OK, even if it isn't going to be easy. And your reward is a lovely grandchild who will adore you!

silkypyjamas

I had a baby at 21 folk said i couldn't cope (including my parents) saying i was not able for a baby but we managed and coped and was probably the making of me tbh.

OP, your daughter is very lucky to have your support.

You have said that you are not in a position to be the main carers of the baby and that is absolutely fine as you know what is right for you. From the sounds of things your daughter is not capable of looking after herself or a child and the partner is an added source of trouble for her. Is she determined to have the baby or has she thought about other options? If she continues to live as she is now then she won't be allowed to look after the baby when it arrives. If she is so bad that she will only attend the GP if you make an appointment for her then it is very unlikely that she will engage with the maternity services.

It may be the case that she is not in the right place to think about options and is burying her head in the sand. This might be the first step in getting her help is for her to consider if she really wants to have the baby?