DD is pregnant and I'm devastated

[Veryworriedmumof1]

My husband thinks I'm BU and that we will deal with like like we've dealt wi everything else in life. He's a glass half full kind-of man and I'm not. AIBU and overly emotional? To avoid drip feeding; I have depression and anxiety and I can be quite negative and overly fearful.

DD aged 22 has been mentally ill since she was a teenager. She's bright but missed a lot of schooling due to inpatient psychiatric admissions. She's quite determined though and found herself a good job not long after she dropped out of school. Things were improving for her; she had a job, she occasionally socialised and she seemed less unwell. Then, she met an emotionally abusive alcohol dependent arsehole. I think that's when we lost her.

DD and the arsehole live 20 miles from us in the most disgusting hovel that I've ever seen. I know that people with mental health problems can self neglect but she was never like this before she met him. I've tried everything to make her life better; I go to their flat once a week to clean, do all their laundry, buy food, make them dinner and drop it around. I give her money to spend on nice things for herself but I expect she gives it to him to buy booze. :( She kept missing work and lost her job late last year.

DD confessed that she wanted to move nearer to me and I offered to sell our house, buy a flat and give her the money to rent in our area. They discussed it, apparently, but he doesn't want to, so she won't. Her room is here and available for her. I want her home.

We love our daughter very much and she has lots of positive attributes. However, her mental illness brings out the worst in her. She's so demotivated and can barely look after herself at the moment. When she said that she was pregnant, I told her that I loved her and would support her. I can't stop sobbing. She can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself. DD is 5ft5 and must be less than 7 stone now because she doesn't eat properly. She doesn't get dressed most days and I don't know she doesn't shower as much as she could. I've dragged her to the GP but she won't go. There's nothing I can do with an adult who won't engage with mental health services. I don't want to have to contact social services about my own daughter but they can't safely look after a child, so what choice do I have?

We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby but we will do everything in our power to support DD. She is welcome to move back home with the baby (and we will help) but that arsehole is not stepping foot through my door.

I know she's an adult but she's an ill one who missed out on growing up due to mental illness. She is immature and I don't even ask her to look after the cats while we are away because she couldn't cope with the responsibility.

I've given her info on women's aid and other DV charities. I've offered to fund private therapy for her. I know I'm a mug doing her cleaning but she's ill and I can't have her living in filth. I will never see any grandchild of mine living like that either.

I'm crushed. I want her to be happy and healthy.

This is more of a wtf post than AIBU. Have name changed too.

This morning at about 7.20 I get out of bed and approach her bedroom door with no clothes on to ask 17 year old dd ( who is dressed) to answer the front door bell. As she comes out of her room, I glimpse a lad standing there! He also sees me in all my naked glory!

I'm so shocked, I say 'is there someone in your room?' to which she says 'No' although there is no doubt there is a person, so this is lie number 1. I retreat, still being naked, and tell her to get him out of the house immediately, which she does. It turns out that it's a lad she met last summer, that she had a flirtation with, and that she still talks to on Instagram etc. I'll call him Barney. He lives about 15 miles way, but is at college in our town. She tells me that he called by this morning having spent the night at a friends house nearby. I wasn't sure whether I believed this, but she assures me she was telling the truth. I don't really believe her. I have a shout at her for not telling me that there's someone in the house as it's not unusual for me to walk around with no clothes etc, although usually I get up after she's left the house to go to college.

Anyway, I now think he arrived at our house last night, as she closed the curtains at the back just before she went to bed at about 11pm, which she has never done. We live in a ground floor flat and there's a door from her bedroom into the garden which can be accessed from the side of the house. She never uses this door and tends to clutter up the entrance to it, but having just been into her room now, the access is clear, there's a few leaves inside, and the door is unlocked! What's more, the key isn't in the lock where it always is kept, as it's a fire exit, if ever needed. I'm now wondering if this is a regular occurrence and how long it's been going on, and whether he has the door key! We were away for a long weekend, and I'm even wondering if he was here while we were away!

I'm so upset that dd has been so devious and also lied to me. She's been a pretty trouble free teenager up to now, but this feels so disrespectful to me, and has also compromised the security of our home, by leaving the door unlocked today.

Any thoughts please on how best to handle this with her?

@bloodyfuming9 - looks like you accidentally posted on someone else's thread rather than starting one of your own. You'll get more relevant replies if you start again.

bloodyfuming9 why were you wandering around naked? Your dd shouldn't of invited someone back without your consent or knowledge.

My advice, set clear boundaries with clear consequences.

So glad to see your update! Enjoy your holiday, you most definitely deserve it. Your DD may well get back with her 'D'P, but I would imagine he won't be around for long, and in this case I think that is probably for the best for everyone involved.

My mistake- first post where I've tried to start a new thread and it's ended up here. My apologies and I'll try again.
But as I'm here I'll reply to Miserylovescompany2- I don't make a point of wandering around naked, but neither do me and daughter have an issue with it. this morning, the doorbell rang, and because i wasn't dressed, I went to ask dd to answer the door as she had clothes on.
Also, I have very clear boundaries, but the whole point of my post really is, despite that, DD has chosen to trample over my expectations of how she should behave etc.

bloodyfuming9 I'd be dishing her up the consequences then. She has clearly disrespected you and furthermore embarrassed you in your own home.

You don't know this person. Your dd might, but, that isn't the issue here...

Hopefully this is a one off and there won't be a repeat performance.

You're a nice bunch. Thank you.

I'm not naive, I don't think I'm a great mum but I've tried and I know we've both loved her unconditionally. I've made a lot of mistakes. I haven't always managed her illness very well. I've shouted and I've raged. I've really disliked my only child, at times. My husband is a better parent than me, less emotional and more sensible. He's been the one who has held us together, thank god for him.

DD does very much want this baby. We discussed a termination quite candidly and she does not want this. I have to admit, my heart did a flutter when I saw that little foetus on the scan. I saw something in her eyes that I haven't done before. She is trying to eat more normally for the sake of the baby. She says she hasn't made herself sick for over a month which is a huge, huge deal. She's still a massive pain in the arse but maybe that's just her. That said, if she wants to mooch around in her PJs, her choice. We're going to the cinema at the weekend which I'm looking forward to and she is too. :)

It's not all rainbows and sunshine. She's a tough nut to crack, very stubborn. Anyone who knows anything about young, intelligent women with eating disorders will know what I mean. I wish I'd done more and known more when she was younger. I have so many regrets but I can't change that. We have to move forward.

Bear in mind that in the early stages of pregnancy most women feel absolutely awful so if she's being moody and moochy that may be partly why!

There are a number of MNers who've been through pregnancy with a history of eating disorder so she may be able to find support or advice on here if she is struggling with that aspect.

Best wishes to both of you

I was thinking about your thread last week & wondering how you all were.

You're supporting your DD but also acknowledging she needs to stand on her own two feet. The "father" sounds like no great loss at all!

Best of luck for you all & have a wonderful holiday!

You never know, this might be the making of her. She sounds like she loves this baby already and is starting to make positive changes for it. I do hope so. Good luck to you both.