DD is pregnant and I'm devastated

[Veryworriedmumof1]

My husband thinks I'm BU and that we will deal with like like we've dealt wi everything else in life. He's a glass half full kind-of man and I'm not. AIBU and overly emotional? To avoid drip feeding; I have depression and anxiety and I can be quite negative and overly fearful.

DD aged 22 has been mentally ill since she was a teenager. She's bright but missed a lot of schooling due to inpatient psychiatric admissions. She's quite determined though and found herself a good job not long after she dropped out of school. Things were improving for her; she had a job, she occasionally socialised and she seemed less unwell. Then, she met an emotionally abusive alcohol dependent arsehole. I think that's when we lost her.

DD and the arsehole live 20 miles from us in the most disgusting hovel that I've ever seen. I know that people with mental health problems can self neglect but she was never like this before she met him. I've tried everything to make her life better; I go to their flat once a week to clean, do all their laundry, buy food, make them dinner and drop it around. I give her money to spend on nice things for herself but I expect she gives it to him to buy booze. :( She kept missing work and lost her job late last year.

DD confessed that she wanted to move nearer to me and I offered to sell our house, buy a flat and give her the money to rent in our area. They discussed it, apparently, but he doesn't want to, so she won't. Her room is here and available for her. I want her home.

We love our daughter very much and she has lots of positive attributes. However, her mental illness brings out the worst in her. She's so demotivated and can barely look after herself at the moment. When she said that she was pregnant, I told her that I loved her and would support her. I can't stop sobbing. She can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself. DD is 5ft5 and must be less than 7 stone now because she doesn't eat properly. She doesn't get dressed most days and I don't know she doesn't shower as much as she could. I've dragged her to the GP but she won't go. There's nothing I can do with an adult who won't engage with mental health services. I don't want to have to contact social services about my own daughter but they can't safely look after a child, so what choice do I have?

We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby but we will do everything in our power to support DD. She is welcome to move back home with the baby (and we will help) but that arsehole is not stepping foot through my door.

I know she's an adult but she's an ill one who missed out on growing up due to mental illness. She is immature and I don't even ask her to look after the cats while we are away because she couldn't cope with the responsibility.

I've given her info on women's aid and other DV charities. I've offered to fund private therapy for her. I know I'm a mug doing her cleaning but she's ill and I can't have her living in filth. I will never see any grandchild of mine living like that either.

I'm crushed. I want her to be happy and healthy.

i don't see how asking the question is pressure for an abortion. I'm ridiculously over-keen to be a GP but in this situation i agree with bibbity that I'd be asking the question. that's not the same as pressure at all, it's merely enquiring. It sounds as though she really wants the baby but she might be fronting, i'm sure you can ask in a gentle way if the baby is longed for.

tbh, if you get a strong 'yes I really want the baby' that'd be my lever for, that's great darling, you need to immediately start eating well, taking your medication etc etc.

I haven't been the mother in this situation, but I have been a relative. A relative who had to give in and involve social services. It was a long path, and not mine to go into, but not once do I regret it. Her past health should be available to her midwife and GP, she will flag if baby is dirty or malnourished, but you may need to call social services for a referall. It's not easy, but they can help.

Why isn't it "on" to suggest abortion? Is that really not ok or am I living in a parallel universe?

It isn't right to pressurise someone into abortion. I think there is a weird assumption on this thread though that she wouldn't have an abortion though, even before the OP clarified it was unlikely. It is also important not to pressurise her into having the baby.

On balance to me it seems the most sensible action also.... Not because no one with mental health issues can ever be a good parent but because of her situation and being unable to look after herself (and therefore the child) properly. The high risk of the baby being taken into care/ spending childhood in and out of care. But it's her decision ultimately.

What NavyandWhite said the Dd is an adult and if she wants this baby there will be no termenation but i agree the op needs to put boundary in place offer as much support you can cope with happily but this is her baby

I agree with Bibbity's thinking and don't think she was out of order for suggesting an abortion, in these circumstances. I normally advocate for young parents having been one myself (and coped with no problems), but in these circumstances the DD isn't showing any signs of emotional or physical maturity. Her mother is still buying her food at 22, because the DD can't or won't prioritise correctly. Whether this is due to her awful boyfriend or drugs/addiction issues who knows? But is this really an environment for a baby? Of course not.

OP, I wouldn't suggest an abortion but would advise that she has lots of options and that you would support her regardless of what route she chooses.

It may be the catalyst for change, but if it's not then SS will have to get involved and remove the child, as it doesn't sound like a good enough environment for a child. However, 9 months is a long time, and OP's DD may make encouraging steps.

Have you thought about budgeting with her for food OP, if she is on benefits it might be a tight budget but surely for food for the two of them it is manageable?

Also helping her with a rota for different cleaning jobs, so it isn't one big task but smaller, possibly more manageable things for her to do something each day? It may take some more effort now, but then will ease up as you back off and let her take over where you have provided her with the knowledge in how to do these things.

You do sound very supportive and I wish both you and your DD the best, hopefully she can use this change as a positive and it will help her find the motivation she needs to look after herself and build a better life.

I don't want to word it to make it sounds like I'm advising anything. It has to be her choice. I agree that she needs to know it's her baby. If the shit hot the fan, of course I would take care of any child but I don't want her going into this thinking that mum will sort it out. I am thinking about how to word things, maybe something like; "whatever you decide for your future, I will fully support you and come with you".

Does that sound ok? I'm going with DH when he gets home.

Ok then I think op should say "If you wanted to have an abortion then I would support you". I'm not sure it has even been discussed, has it?

I imagine her GP would suggest it to her if the dd had been sensible enough to even go to the GP.

Does op want to look after two dependents (her dd and gc?) I don't get that impression. Infact doesn't she say she's not in a position to? In that case the baby is going to be born into an unfit home environment. A disaster waiting to happen.

Yeah that sounds fine and you're right about stepping back. It sounds as though she seems younger than her years to you because of her problems. But she's actually old enough for this and she's going to have to do it herself. It's going to be hard for you, be kind to yourself.

I think you can advise someone in desperate circumstances tbh op.

No wise words sorry, but just to say you sound like a brilliant mum and your daughter is so lucky to have you. I suffer with mental health problems and have two gorgeous ds's. I wish my mum was as supportive to me, instead when I was in crisis she went nc and that was 6 months ago.

That sounds good OP. You know your daughter best and how she will react to advice so it may not be appropriate to discuss it with her, but knowing she has your support is a good thing.

How will she care for a baby if she can't care for herself?

If the situation is as bad as you say and you can't care for the baby then I think an abortion is a very good idea indeed. If she can't even be trusted to look after cats, she cannot look after a baby

Please contact social services.

Good luck this evening OP. It is a very difficult situation for you.

I think what you have suggested saying sounds like you will just step in and help regardless as this is what you have done until now.

I would be quite clear to her that you are willing to support her but if she wants to have the baby she needs to understand that you will support her to bring up the baby but you will not takeover and bring up the child as your own without her involvement. (Obviously, you say yourself you wouldn't let the child go into care if she doesn't look after the baby but you don't need to say that to her now so she is at least clear that you are not automatically going to step in and be a parent to the baby is she does not parent the baby).

If it were my daughter I would ask her if she was sure about having the baby given that she is not in a position to look after herself or a baby. That is not pressuring her into a termination but asking her if she has thought about other options.

I actually think you can advise on this but she is your daughter and only you and her dad know how to approach this it does sound from what you are saying that she wont cope with a baby untill she changes her lifestyle with or without the boyfriend,

It is ok to be a bit direct to her though you cant keep swooping in to save her imo

It seems to me from your description that her number one problem isn't really the mental illness but actually the alcoholic abusing boyfriend whose behaviour she already minimises and denies.

So you really need to buttonhole the midwife or social services and tell them about her relationship with this man, because it seems your DD on her own might be able to make a go of motherhood (with support as needed from you) but a situation involving an alcoholic abuser who drinks money needed for food - given your DD's low BMI I suspect this is happening - is going to be a disaster for the baby.

The baby will be SS's first priority here, and if DD will not engage for whatever reason they are still going to seek to prioritise the baby's welfare whatever way they can.

You are in a difficult situation, but really, I think you are enabling her/them. I understand that you want her to live in a clean home and have clean clothes, food etc, but are doing too much and infantalising her, which is allowing her to sit back and not take on responsibility for herself.

I think it is important that you stop doing the donkey work for them, particularly now she is pregnant. She/they need to step up and do it themselves, or take the consequences. As an ex midwife, I can tell you that if her midwife sees her living a chaotic lifestyle, not taking care of herself with personal hygeine/eating/surroundings, then SS will become involved. They will then work with the couple to support them. If that fails then they may take steps to remove the child, but that would be further down the line after they have been given a chance to change and look after themselves and their child.

You cannpt, and should not, do it all for them. They have to learn to stand on their own two feet. They have no reason to do that whilst ever you are going in and running their life for them.

She hasn't managed to see the GP yet? Is this just based on pregnancy test from the shop?

If she is pregnant you need to convince her to put her baby before herself and her lovelife.

Are you or your husband an alchoholic? The minimising and denying from your daughter about her partners alcoholism could be learnt behaviour from her upbringing. Also often children of alcoholics go on to have partners who are alcoholics. Wanting her back home with you screams mother who hasn't let go of her adult child to me.

Has she even POTS? She's not just going by a missed period is she? Because with a BMI of 16, your periods are likely to pack up.

OP as you mentioned finances I thought I would point out to you that if you informally take over care of the baby you are extremely unlikely to get any help, financial or otherwise, from social services.
I know a lot of kinship foster Carers in all areas of the UK so am not just speaking from my own experience.
If the child is living with your dd and is taken into care he/she will become a LAC (looked after child). You can then put yourselves forward to take the child and if this is agreed you will receive a kinship care allowance which is a lot less than foster parents receive.
However this is not a given. SS may decide, particularly in these cash strapped times, that it is best for the baby to be adopted.
Another possibility is that if the baby is placed with you SS may press you to take out an SGO. This lets them off the hook financially.
A CAO (formerly known as a residence order) gives you and DH parental responsibility. The parents still retain parental responsibility but it is stated in court, and legally enforceable, that the child must live with you. It will not affect you receiving kinship foster care allowance if you are deemed eligible.
If dd and baby are living with you SS are unlikely to intervene as they will feel the baby is safe. If you eventually become a full time carer for the baby they will see this as a private arrangement for which no kinship fostering allowance is paid.
You will however be entitled to child benefit and tax credits depending on your income.
Sorry to throw another problem at you but it may affect your decision making.
I'm 11 years down this road. Happy for you to PM me anytime if I can help in any way. I also know of some organisations, FB groups which can give advice.

No real advice, stop doing things and she will do them herself in fact I think that when the parents do too much then she won't see the point of doing it herself, don't call social services they will fuck things up the child is not in danger so they don't need to be called, try and give her a chance don't make her feel like she can't cope. It is her body and her decision and you don't have to go to the gp or midwives etc so just wait until she is ready, her partner is none of your business until she tells you he is abusive etc then it is just speculation, this could make her don't tar this experience for her as you could make her go down hill at a very fast pace, be there to support but don't question or quiz her just let her open up to you if she needs or wants to when she is ready.