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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD is pregnant and I'm devastated

285 replies

Veryworriedmumof1 · 01/02/2017 10:30

My husband thinks I'm BU and that we will deal with like like we've dealt wi everything else in life. He's a glass half full kind-of man and I'm not. AIBU and overly emotional? To avoid drip feeding; I have depression and anxiety and I can be quite negative and overly fearful.

DD aged 22 has been mentally ill since she was a teenager. She's bright but missed a lot of schooling due to inpatient psychiatric admissions. She's quite determined though and found herself a good job not long after she dropped out of school. Things were improving for her; she had a job, she occasionally socialised and she seemed less unwell. Then, she met an emotionally abusive alcohol dependent arsehole. I think that's when we lost her.

DD and the arsehole live 20 miles from us in the most disgusting hovel that I've ever seen. I know that people with mental health problems can self neglect but she was never like this before she met him. I've tried everything to make her life better; I go to their flat once a week to clean, do all their laundry, buy food, make them dinner and drop it around. I give her money to spend on nice things for herself but I expect she gives it to him to buy booze. :( She kept missing work and lost her job late last year.

DD confessed that she wanted to move nearer to me and I offered to sell our house, buy a flat and give her the money to rent in our area. They discussed it, apparently, but he doesn't want to, so she won't. Her room is here and available for her. I want her home.

We love our daughter very much and she has lots of positive attributes. However, her mental illness brings out the worst in her. She's so demotivated and can barely look after herself at the moment. When she said that she was pregnant, I told her that I loved her and would support her. I can't stop sobbing. She can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself. DD is 5ft5 and must be less than 7 stone now because she doesn't eat properly. She doesn't get dressed most days and I don't know she doesn't shower as much as she could. I've dragged her to the GP but she won't go. There's nothing I can do with an adult who won't engage with mental health services. I don't want to have to contact social services about my own daughter but they can't safely look after a child, so what choice do I have?

We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby but we will do everything in our power to support DD. She is welcome to move back home with the baby (and we will help) but that arsehole is not stepping foot through my door.

I know she's an adult but she's an ill one who missed out on growing up due to mental illness. She is immature and I don't even ask her to look after the cats while we are away because she couldn't cope with the responsibility.

I've given her info on women's aid and other DV charities. I've offered to fund private therapy for her. I know I'm a mug doing her cleaning but she's ill and I can't have her living in filth. I will never see any grandchild of mine living like that either.

I'm crushed. I want her to be happy and healthy.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/02/2017 14:56

Personally, I wouldn't risk the welfare of a newborn on the hope that someone can turn it around. Turn it around, then have a family - when you are healthy and responsible.

shovetheholly · 01/02/2017 14:57

I'm so sorry for you. It comes over loud and clear that you adore your daughter and would do anything to help her. As an older adult, you can perhaps see further down the road than she can right now also - and foresight can be a bit of a curse.

I'm afraid I don't think there is any substitute for letting a young person make their own mistakes sometimes. You're making it clear that you are there for her, and will support her when push comes to shove. However, since you have serious misgivings I think you can also (gently, firmly) voice these and perhaps step back a little so that she has a more realistic idea of what she is looking at in terms of the future. There's a good book called Codependent No More that I think might help you to navigate the rights and the wrongs of this very difficult, agonising situation. It might also assist your DD with her BF.

Sending you Flowers

NavyandWhite · 01/02/2017 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Veryworriedmumof1 · 01/02/2017 15:06

I know she's always wanted to be a mum. It was her motivation for working so hard to get well a few years ago. Knowing her like I do, I suspect that a termination is unlikely. She's ill but not stupid nor unworldly. We were always quite open about these things when she was younger.

I will not be making any suggestions about the pregnancy, as such. It's her body and her choice. I think it'll be easier when we speak face-to-face and I can gauge her emotional state.

The more I think about it, the less willing I am to make myself ill by continuing to run around after her. I'm not going to stop buying her food because I know she eats it and she's grateful. I am going to step back with the cleaning and laundry. I work 35 hours a week and I feel like I'm running two homes. I think if I stepped back, she'd live in absolute filth for a while and then, step up. The trouble is that I get anxious and step back in too soon. I know this is part of the problem and that I'm not helping.

Apart from tell her that our home is always hers, I'm not sure what else I can do. I am able and willing to support her with medical appointments. She has to take the first step though.

OP posts:
MondayTuesdayWednesday · 01/02/2017 15:13

Does she come to visit you at your house? By buying her food this is something that her and her partner don't have to spend money on and can spend it on alcohol and drugs. If she would visit you at your house for dinner etc then it would be a good way to connect with her without directly providing for him.

Also, in relation to options other than having the baby, you say that she always wanted to be a mum, but that was when she was working hard and getting on with her life. If she doesn't have the means or the will to even make a GP appointment then she may not actually want to go ahead with the pregnancy but similarly doesn't have the drive to make an appointment for a termination, if that is what she wants. Just saying, I wouldn't automatically assume that she wants the baby just because she hasn't had or made plans for a termination so you should be open minded about this for her.

NavyandWhite · 01/02/2017 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 01/02/2017 15:16

Also just to add, I know it is hard to see your daughter living in squalor, but she is an adult and she is choosing to live this way. You should not be cleaning for her and him! It really is enabling her.

We have had issues in our family with someone in a similar position. The enabling prolonged her getting help for two years. She would have gotten help much faster if everyone hadn't run around doing everything for her like you are now. It may seem like you are helping but it is not helping in the long term.

GloriaGaynor · 01/02/2017 15:24

OP you sound like a great mum and your daughter is lucky to have you.

I think it's a good choice to step back a bit with all the looking after.

At the same time I do think you need to get in touch with SS. There's a major safeguarding issue with the alcoholic partner. It's possible that a GP or midwife might contact SS anyway given her medical history. And if they find out partner is an alcoholic they will have no choice to contact SS.

Pregnancy and birth is a key flashpoint for escalation of abuse. So it's possible that the abuse may get worse, or get physical. Equally, it's possible that he might hurt the baby when smashed, perhaps unintentionally, by falling or falling asleep on it.

So in your situation I would feel obliged to contact SS. They can help her. And from your POV it might help relieve the burden on you that you're not dealing with it alone.

HorridHenryrule · 01/02/2017 15:24

When you clean her house does she do it as well. I would take a roll of bin bags and watch her get on with it. 35hrs per week you should definitely get the title super mum. Taking a step back is a good idea if she don't start cleaning now how will she cope when a baby comes. If you go up their and her house is a shit hole then contact ss so they can keep an eye on her. She has to change and from your last post she does have the will power to do it. She just needs a bit of home training. I would talk to your GP as well about your own feelings of depression and anxiety. She is 22 years old and you keep on wrapping her up in cotton wool. Maybe that's why your DH is taking a step back this will make her grow up.

TheCatsMother99 · 01/02/2017 15:24

OP, I think you're right in terms of stepping back with the cleaning and giving her a chance to pick herself up and do it herself. Even if it means she lives in a mess for a while, the mess won't kill her but it'll hopefully be a stepping stone to getting herself back in shape in other areas of her life. It'll be so hard for you but I definitely think it should be given a chance.

I wish I had a mum like you Flowers

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 01/02/2017 15:27

I will not be making any suggestions about the pregnancy, as such. It's her body and her choice.

Quite right OP. I'm amazed that anybody would think it appropriate to pressure someone else into an abortion. Unbelievable, whatever the circumstances.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 01/02/2017 15:27

I will not be making any suggestions about the pregnancy, as such. It's her body and her choice.

Quite right OP. I'm amazed that anybody would think it appropriate to pressure someone else into an abortion. Unbelievable, whatever the circumstances.

aprilanne · 01/02/2017 15:27

hi i am sorry for your troubles.i think the first thing to do is get in touch with SS .they will asses your daughter and if things really bad they may tell her she can only keep the baby if she comes home to you .this would be the best outcome because then she would have family support .and no you are not being over emotional you are a mother worried for her child nothing to be ashamed off ..if your daughter is very immature she may cling to the useless partner more if you critize him i know it will be hard but if she lives with you i would let him visit at least until she is strong enough to make up her own mind ..good luck to everyone

NavyandWhite · 01/02/2017 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Veryworriedmumof1 · 01/02/2017 15:33

I'm not super mum. I just really love her and have a massive guilt complex. My mum wasn't a bad mum but she didn't show me love and support. I want to be different for my daughter but I've gone too far the other way.

She does come over. We occasionally go out too which we both enjoy. Just before Christmas, we had a day out shopping. I fed her all day long and she got some nice clothes and her hair and nails done. She even got me a present as I mentioned I liked a certain type of candle. She has a very generous and loving side to her when she's my girl. DD and her boyfriend are in each other's pockets and she hates being away from him. So, if I want her for dinner, it means having him. He's perfectly pleasant to our faces but we really don't want him in our home all the time. This is why I cook dinner and one of us drives it over to them, usually on a friday or over the weekend.

If I'm brutally honest, we are not flush with cash. We own a small house with a small mortgage and earn ok wages. It does feel that we keep trying to throw money at DD and it's not helping. That said, if she left him, we would either support her at home or find her a nice little place locally.

OP posts:
exWifebeginsat40 · 01/02/2017 15:33

i'm a mother. i'm also an alcoholic with a personality disorder and mental illness.

my kiddo was older and went to live with their dad. i lost my job and my marriage and my home and my mind. i nearly died from the booze. i have no family near, no friends.

i turned it round. 3 years sober. i take my meds and see my doctor and do my best to keep going. i'm a good mum. i always was; i just got lost along the way.

there's always good old-fashioned hope. always. why keep going otherwise?

user1484578224 · 01/02/2017 15:37

hi sorry if this has been mentioned but what outside services are involved? Are any of them helpful?
Is it worth reconsidering them or trying new avenues for real. on the ground positive support?

GeordieShorefg · 01/02/2017 15:38

Op I feel really sorry for you. this all sounds completely bloody horrendous

It must be difficult to not take on board all her problems and ,You already have anxiety and depression and this could really fuck you up, if you allow it to.

You seem to understand that you are not, and never have been, in control of her life or choices

As an adult you cannot do jack shit to change things for her. Only she can do that.

I still think you do too much. You should not be buying her food and cleaning up after her - it is enabling her. Enabling her to sit back

I really think you need to back off, and to have her back in the family home could mean you are looking after the baby more than she is as it seems you want to take over and fix everything - that really is not your job - it is hers - mentally ill or not, she needs to work out how to cope and you need to stop hovvering and monitoring the situation

missbishi · 01/02/2017 15:38

Whilst it's not on to suggest abortion, she really does need to hear that if she didn't want to continue with the pregnancy then you would support her.

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 01/02/2017 15:44

I can see why you wouldn't want him in your house.

Good luck with it all and with taking a step back in certain areas. It will bring things to a head much sooner. At the moment her and her partner are getting everything handed to them i.e. food, house cleaned, laundry done etc etc. No incentive for either of them to change or get help.

eggsontoast07 · 01/02/2017 16:05

Nothing particularly helpful to add but you are wonderful.

Deejoda · 01/02/2017 16:11

OP you sound like a super mom. You have not failed her in the slightest.
From a medical point of view, once you have talked to her and ascertain she means to carry the pregnancy to term, you need to get MW and SS involved asap as the foetal development in the 1st trimester is most at risk if she is under-nourished and emotionally in a bad place.
I see why you would want to clean and cook for her. Very commendable that you are able to do it. I would agree with PPs who suggest leaving her flat in its filth for when support services are likely to assess so they get a true picture.
Also buy food but definitely do not give her any cash. If you feel she needs something like toiletries or clothes, take her shopping. That way, she gets out of the house and spends time away from the bf.
Can you make it a regular thing to get her away from him maybe once a week too? That should be good for all concerned.
Lastly, he sounds like he might be an abuser from your description. Most times, this gets worse when the woman is pregnant so she needs you now more than ever. Good luck. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/02/2017 16:12

"I'm amazed that anybody would think it appropriate to pressure someone else into an abortion. Unbelievable, whatever the circumstances."

and I'm amazed anyone would stand back and let this car crash happen without trying to help someone who is not well enough to be a parent see that there is an alternative. But op has said her dd wants a child so ...
God help this little baby. What a start in life!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/02/2017 16:13

Why isn't it "on" to suggest abortion? Is that really not ok or am I living in a parallel universe?

missbishi · 01/02/2017 16:25

bibbity To me, it seems like telling other women what to do with their bodies, however well meant it seems. It is certainly an option (and admittedly what I would privately want for a DD in this situation myself) but there's a world of difference between "I think you should have an abortion" and "If you wanted to have an abortion then I would support you".