DD is pregnant and I'm devastated

[Veryworriedmumof1]

My husband thinks I'm BU and that we will deal with like like we've dealt wi everything else in life. He's a glass half full kind-of man and I'm not. AIBU and overly emotional? To avoid drip feeding; I have depression and anxiety and I can be quite negative and overly fearful.

DD aged 22 has been mentally ill since she was a teenager. She's bright but missed a lot of schooling due to inpatient psychiatric admissions. She's quite determined though and found herself a good job not long after she dropped out of school. Things were improving for her; she had a job, she occasionally socialised and she seemed less unwell. Then, she met an emotionally abusive alcohol dependent arsehole. I think that's when we lost her.

DD and the arsehole live 20 miles from us in the most disgusting hovel that I've ever seen. I know that people with mental health problems can self neglect but she was never like this before she met him. I've tried everything to make her life better; I go to their flat once a week to clean, do all their laundry, buy food, make them dinner and drop it around. I give her money to spend on nice things for herself but I expect she gives it to him to buy booze. :( She kept missing work and lost her job late last year.

DD confessed that she wanted to move nearer to me and I offered to sell our house, buy a flat and give her the money to rent in our area. They discussed it, apparently, but he doesn't want to, so she won't. Her room is here and available for her. I want her home.

We love our daughter very much and she has lots of positive attributes. However, her mental illness brings out the worst in her. She's so demotivated and can barely look after herself at the moment. When she said that she was pregnant, I told her that I loved her and would support her. I can't stop sobbing. She can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself. DD is 5ft5 and must be less than 7 stone now because she doesn't eat properly. She doesn't get dressed most days and I don't know she doesn't shower as much as she could. I've dragged her to the GP but she won't go. There's nothing I can do with an adult who won't engage with mental health services. I don't want to have to contact social services about my own daughter but they can't safely look after a child, so what choice do I have?

We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby but we will do everything in our power to support DD. She is welcome to move back home with the baby (and we will help) but that arsehole is not stepping foot through my door.

I know she's an adult but she's an ill one who missed out on growing up due to mental illness. She is immature and I don't even ask her to look after the cats while we are away because she couldn't cope with the responsibility.

I've given her info on women's aid and other DV charities. I've offered to fund private therapy for her. I know I'm a mug doing her cleaning but she's ill and I can't have her living in filth. I will never see any grandchild of mine living like that either.

I'm crushed. I want her to be happy and healthy.

I would honestly speak to social services as well for guidance. You sound great but at some point the question needs to be asked if the OPs daughter is capable of raising a child in that environment. With OPs help and other family support I think she obviously could but being cut off from that does place the baby in danger. If and when she tells the GP there will soon be health visitor concerns and then it becomes a case issue. I think it would be best to get in ahead of that. Good luck.

Op is there any chance your daughter might be taking drugs. The weight loss and the lack of caring about herself suggests to me that maybe she has been hooked on them by her partner.

You've had some good advice here op. You sound lovely. Best wishes x

I really feel for you, as a mother of 2 girls myself, but step back. Even the mentally ill need to grow up. And before anyone protests, I speak as someone with a severe and enduring mental illness.

Support from a distance especially before the baby is born. She hasn't got any incentive to think about the future while you are doing all practical tasks for her and her boyfriend is taking over the rest.

I can't read and run so here's my download-

1. If you aren't sure if she's registered that she's pregnant then most hospitals nowadays have the "maternity services" on their website. Maybe you could fill the "I'm pregnant" form out with her? That at least will start the ball rolling as it'll trigger the system to send her a booking in appointment and the 12w scan appointment.

1. You have not failed her. You sound downright amazing. As the DD of a mum who was severely mentally ill my granny was instrumental in overseeing things in the early years (mum moved in with her when I was 1). I think I owe her a lot, god rest her.

1. silkpyjamas you sound like such an amazing person and I wish you the best for the course and your future endeavours.

OP it's really important your DD gets some medical involvement straight away. With the figures you gave for height/weight her BMI would be around 16 i.e. very low. Is she taking folic acid/ vitamin D? I know she is wary but she really needs medical input.

I have no other helpful advice but wanted to say how lovely and caring you sound

if you're not sure your DD is taking her meds she needs to see her GP. does she have any diagnoses? does her partner? i would say her doctor needs to know about the pregnancy before social services.

sorry you're all in this position. just keep doing the next thing at a time and it'll come right.

I can really understand why you are so concerned, and it's great that she has you. There;s lots of great advice on here to think about. Personally, I think the way forward is through the maternity services and ensuring that they have the full picture re her MH issues, coping skills and alcohol related problems of partner.
Mental health can be affected by pregnancy and of course some medication can be dangerous to use whist pregnant or breastfeeding, so maybe this is your way in to persuade daughter to see Gp and maternity services hopefully with you in attendance as a 'support[ for her. I think it is important that she continues to see you primarily as a support, rather than the person who may instigate the contact with ss to maybe remove the baby at some stage. Definitely stop giving her money and doing the housework though! I get that dd's partner is a blight, but I do wonder if you and your husband ( or just husband) could try to form a better relationship with him now- partly for tactical reasons as it may be useful for the future when the baby arrives. And partly because it may genuinely improve the situation for your daughter and for the baby. Maybe he could be engaged enough to 'man up' to his new responsibilities, including the housework and alcohol issues, looking at his lifestyle in general. Does he want this baby? If so, there may be lots of opportunites for him to prepare for it's birth- an included man is more likely to want to act responsibly than a totally excluded one! Does he have family around locally? Mabe you need to suss them out too, about what support may be available to DD from them, if any.

Lastly, I think some people actually need help to learn to clean and to get into a routine with it!!! Maybe you could offer to teach them and get them into a routine? Good luck!

SilkPJs That's an amazing story. You should be very proud of yourself

OP, good luck, you sound like a lovely supportive Mum, I think you have to trust your instincts and muddle along doing the best you can. There are no right and wrong answers.

Sorry I haven't rtft because the replies are all so long (usually I make a point of rtft) but in your circumstances I would be doing everything I could to make dd see sense and terminate the pregnancy. I expect other posters have said the same, just wanted to add my voice to that argument.

with the greatest respect, bibbity, OP's DD isn't precluded from having children because of mental illness. she also has agency to make her own choice.

I have sent you a private message OP.

Bloody hell bibbity you haven't read the thread but you are advicing on an abortion ???

I've read the op - how does the rest of the thread change those circumstances?

Young undernourished woman with severe mental health issues living with an alcoholic, no job, can't even care for herself.

It's an opinion and not an unusual one so stop with the faux outrage.

Yes, I know she's 22 but she's not a fully functioning 22 is she? Parents are supposed to have unpopular opinions sometimes.

ohh. you had me at 'not fully functioning'.

i have BPD and a host of other diagnoses. my life is hard and sometimes it sucks and sometimes it's so exhausting i don't see how i can carry on. would you decide for me how i should live?

christ.

As someone who became a mum at 19 i read your title was but having read your op i absolutely understand i agree she would be much better without him.you sound a great mother.

Did you read silkpajamas post bibbity ?

Whilst what bibbity says is a little uncalled for, I note that we don't know how DD herself feels about the pregnancy? Is she happy to continue with it, despite the fact she may not be able to keep it? Is she aware that if she doesn't want to continue then she doesn't have to? I'd want to be sure that she isn't being coerced either.

Of course there is navy but the point is there is hope . People can turn things around .

I don't know why you are taking this so personally exWife. No need for the "christ!".

I take it you aren't the op's DD: pregnant, 22 and living in filth with an alcoholic. If you are then I apologise.