DD is pregnant and I'm devastated

[Veryworriedmumof1]

My husband thinks I'm BU and that we will deal with like like we've dealt wi everything else in life. He's a glass half full kind-of man and I'm not. AIBU and overly emotional? To avoid drip feeding; I have depression and anxiety and I can be quite negative and overly fearful.

DD aged 22 has been mentally ill since she was a teenager. She's bright but missed a lot of schooling due to inpatient psychiatric admissions. She's quite determined though and found herself a good job not long after she dropped out of school. Things were improving for her; she had a job, she occasionally socialised and she seemed less unwell. Then, she met an emotionally abusive alcohol dependent arsehole. I think that's when we lost her.

DD and the arsehole live 20 miles from us in the most disgusting hovel that I've ever seen. I know that people with mental health problems can self neglect but she was never like this before she met him. I've tried everything to make her life better; I go to their flat once a week to clean, do all their laundry, buy food, make them dinner and drop it around. I give her money to spend on nice things for herself but I expect she gives it to him to buy booze. :( She kept missing work and lost her job late last year.

DD confessed that she wanted to move nearer to me and I offered to sell our house, buy a flat and give her the money to rent in our area. They discussed it, apparently, but he doesn't want to, so she won't. Her room is here and available for her. I want her home.

We love our daughter very much and she has lots of positive attributes. However, her mental illness brings out the worst in her. She's so demotivated and can barely look after herself at the moment. When she said that she was pregnant, I told her that I loved her and would support her. I can't stop sobbing. She can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself. DD is 5ft5 and must be less than 7 stone now because she doesn't eat properly. She doesn't get dressed most days and I don't know she doesn't shower as much as she could. I've dragged her to the GP but she won't go. There's nothing I can do with an adult who won't engage with mental health services. I don't want to have to contact social services about my own daughter but they can't safely look after a child, so what choice do I have?

We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby but we will do everything in our power to support DD. She is welcome to move back home with the baby (and we will help) but that arsehole is not stepping foot through my door.

I know she's an adult but she's an ill one who missed out on growing up due to mental illness. She is immature and I don't even ask her to look after the cats while we are away because she couldn't cope with the responsibility.

I've given her info on women's aid and other DV charities. I've offered to fund private therapy for her. I know I'm a mug doing her cleaning but she's ill and I can't have her living in filth. I will never see any grandchild of mine living like that either.

I'm crushed. I want her to be happy and healthy.

Op you have not failed her at all - she is in charge of her own destiny, your doing the absolute best you can. A mother could not offer more support than you are

Oh wow, bless you what a tough one!

I can only give advice on my experience from the last year on what my sister has gone through.

She was with this guy who basically emotionally abused (manipulation and blackmail) my sister, which made her never talk to us and explain how she was feeling and what was happening. She kept things from us and he persuaded her not to tell anyone and she carried the burden herself.

My sister fell pregnant, had complications (baby's lung collapsed) so she went through a lot of trauma, but we (me and our family) helpes her where we could. However, she soon spiraled into a deep, dark place of post natal depression (with no previous record of mental health issues). To the extent where she tried to commit suicide. I went up to see her and basically managed to get out of her that her boyfriend puts an act on in front of us all and things were bad for her, due to her emotionally well being being completely stamped on and her boyfriend completely letting her down, but then saying he'll change and things got better for a shirt period then go into decline again.

She lived a 5 hour drive from me and we were in regular contact and things were getting worse, hher boyfriend would leave her for a whole weekend after an argument and would never show up....then would start doing it when they hadn't argued... she spoke alot about leaving....which was the first step....but then she didn't know how to do it and felt like she wanted to make things work with her baby's daddy whig is understandable. However, this one occasion he didn't show up at home after work (they had had no arguments) they had planned a weekend of family time, he didn't show at all, no contact etc.... she was devasted so I bit the bullet, took my partner and a van and moved her and my niece out and moved her in with my dad (he was living alone as a widower, my step mum passed away) and she has never looked back since. Her ex boyfriend has not been to visit his daughter in 6 months and contact is very limited.....but he still tries to manipulate from a distance! The police are involved now.

But I suppose the reason I told you this was because your daughter is vulnerable and will become even more vulnerable when she has her baby. She is already lying (or not telling you the full story about her partner). She will need all the support once her baby arrives, let alone now by the sounds of it.

Obviously you know her better than anyone (especially with her mental needs). But if I was you, I would go and fetch her and bring her home. Her boyfriend will show his true colours with regards to being a daddy and a supportive partner. If he wants to change for he sake of his family.....He will. If not then maybe other decisions about whether it's suitable to bring a new baby into this kind of relationship.

You are being strong and supportive for your daughter now.....but imagine the pressure she will be under with a baby and potentially the pressure and responsibility of a new baby if things go tits up with her boyfriend once the baby is here.....emotionally you are responsible now for your daughter but once baby arrives you will feel it for both of them..

Good luck OP sorry for the waffle but couldn't read and run. Good luck xx

Don't feel you've failed her! None of this is your fault. You are doing the best you can and, it sounds a very good best, imo.

YANBU to be devastated OP. In the same circumstances, I'm sure I would feel exactly the same.

The one outstandingly positive thing your DD has in her favour is your love & support (and that of your DH).

As DD has severe mental health problems and is living with an alcoholic, SS may well become involved whether you contact anybody yourself or not. By making the initial contact with DD's GP, midwife and/or SS, it will be known and recorded that DD has solid support from her parents and is invited to move in to their safe, loving home with her baby. I can't imagine a scenario in which that wouldn't also be DD's HCPs' preference for her too.

Whatever you do, please don't feel as though you've failed your daughter. Your reaction to this situation is the exact opposite of failure.

and .

I do think you need to stop doing things for her. Stop cleaning, stop giving money, stop doing their laundry.

Social services need to see exactly how she isn't coping, and the extent of help she needs. If she appears to be looking after the flat, herself, and enough income, they may not engage to the full extent of their services. Even your dd may not realise how much you do and think she can cope better than she can.

I know it's hard. But get in touch with ss.

Have you asked her why she doesn't make an appointment at the doctors.

I think whilst it is great you are there for support I do think you need to step away from the cooking and cleaning aspect of her life. It is almost like you are enabling her to remain a child and responsibility is something she doesn't have to think about. It also means if anything goes wrong then she has someone else to blame.

My partner got ss involved for his nephews his girlfriend was scared of him and she was pregnant at the time. She looked like she was hardly eating. It was either he report the situation or have the children removed from her care.

The first midwife appointment you receive they go into so much detail about who she is and her history and family history. So they may refer her to ss for support. You haven't failed your daughter you and your husband are the only strength she has.

"Sometimes, we talk and I see this look in her eye that tells me she is aware his drinking is a problem but then, her manipulates her and they play lovey dovey happy couple. "

Or they are actually happy to be together? What has he done that has made you hate him this much?

Oliversmumsarmy makes a good point she has to reach rock bottom before she will do anything for herself. You doing it for her and it goes wrong she could resent you. You have to let outside people like ss to see her for who she is. One day you are going to need looking after whats going to happen to her if you haven't left her to sort herself out.

YANBU to be worried sick but YABU to think this won't work out ok in the end. With a lovely grandchild.

DD is not the first person to be saddled with a drunk; of course he's not good news. But - and this is bigger news - families can and do work well despite this.

I suspect you need to get her on side by never, ever mentioning his problems but focusing entirely on her and the baby. This avoids antagonising her and putting her on the defensive re accepting help. I agree with every poster who says now is the time to start gathering help for her and, probably more wearingly for you, coaxing her to accept it. Again, this is a tricky one but be cheered that there is a hell of a lot of help out there.

I also agree with posters who say you'll probably have to give an undertaking to SS that you'll care for the baby if necessary.

What's her med regime at the mo? It may need fiddling with now she is pregnant.

you haven't failed her - but if social services are not to fail her and the baby, they need to know how bad the situation is. And there are ways in which it could get worse - there are some serious scroats who would just love to get into a household like theirs.

With you there as backup, there is hope for this baby - but the agencies need to see the real situation . Stop helping for now.

It's really useful to hear objective views, thank you. I agree that I'm doing too much for her and enabling her to continue to be frozen in this childlike state. I know that a lot of it is to do with me. I can't bear to think of my beautiful, bright, funny, sweet girl living in filth, so I clean. DH thinks if I stepped back, she'd do things at her own pace. I have got too overinvolved. In trying to help her, I've encouraged her to become too reliant on me.

If I cast my mind back a couple of years, when she was working, I imagined her getting better and doing things like becoming a mum. She's very kind and caring and amazing with all the little children in the family. If you strip away the mental illness, I know there is an ability to be a loving mum. I just need her to confront her demons and accept that she's still mentally ill. She's nowhere near as bad as she was as a teenager, so she compares herself to that and thinks she's better now. She is better than she was but she's been emotionally beaten down by a useless man child.

My gut instinct says that we are too old to care for a newborn. We are mid to late 50s. However, I would never see a grandchild of mine suffer and yes, if we have to take sole care, we would. We will say that to social services.

DD drip feeds me pieces of information which isn't helpful. She's very guarded. I'm definitely going over later and confronting her head on. She can't bury her head in the sand any longer.

She is prescrbed citalopram only but I doubt she actually takes it, to be honest. I have written a list of important things to discuss with her.

silkpyjamas Thank you for your helpful post. It's useful to hear it from your perspective. You are amazing and I hope you are proud of yourself. I believe my daughter has the ability to turn herself around, like you have done. Thank you. X

i totally understand, i'd clean for my DD too, i'd have gotten myself into exactly this position - i don't think it's that bad as you've managed to maintain the relationship despite the alchie idiot she's with, but i agree that i'd tell her you're going to gradually withdraw the cleaning etc a bit on the basis that she needs to know herself whether she can cope or not before the baby arrives.

plus the money - with a bit of luck, she'll get fed up with fighting with the tosser about money for his booze habit and come home well before the baby arrives.

I am sorry. I have a similar (but slightly less difficult) situation.

We were able to get rid of the arsehole, she realised she didn't want to be with him, he wouldn't go and wouldn't let her go by holding the baby and saying she could go but couldn't take him. We called the police and luckily it turned out he was all mouth and although things aren't good and he still gives her a hard time, he has a new girl (who hopefully will see the light soon) and so he is not a problem.

I must admit I do a lot for her with regard to cleaning, washing, making sure she has food etc.

The thing that has amazed me is that she loves the baby so much, she is not a perfect mother, but she is good enough. She needs support with keeping on top of housework etc, I give her her medication every day or she wouldn't take it. We have truly awful days sometimes where I wonder what on earth I am doing and how it got to this point. But on the whole, things are OK, which is as much as we can hope for I think.

Your situation is worse so maybe social services is the way to go. If they know you are there helping and supporting I think that will be in her favour. I don't know that stopping your input would be a good idea. I know that even if it was a good idea, I wouldn't be able to do it.

My heart goes out to you, nobody understands this type of situation unless they have been in it I don't think. Unfortunately my DDs Dad did a runner many years ago, my now DH is marvellous, but she is not his daughter and I know he gets frustrated with the amount I do for her, but I can not see any other way of dealing with it. I could leave her to get on with it, but she may fail and my beautiful Grandson would be taken away.

It is a horrible situation for everyone. All I can say is good luck, and follow your heart. x

You sound like an amazing mum and your DD is lucky to have you. You have absolutely no reason to blame yourself and you have not failed her.

There is a family living a few doors down from me with a similar problem. They are, without exception, a wonderful group of people. They are so close, always doing things together and very supportive of each other. Siblings are all very well adjusted and close with each other. Parents'relationship very stable. They are basically the ideal family. I'm telling you all this because it's important that you know things aren't always the parents' fault. This family has a daughter who is 21 I think. Very beautiful girl, very outgoing and funny. Clever and confident. But a couple of years ago she met an older man (I think he is 30 ish) and started seeing him. It got very intense very quickly. He is very controlling and tells her what to wear, who she can and can't talk to. She has always been very interested in hair and makeup, but when she sees him it has to be hair down and no makeup on. She won't even wear a ponytail because he told her once that it made her look like a slag. She's still the same old "her" on the surface, but not when he's around. Her poor mum is worried sick. Literally - she has been ill because of this. She doesn't know what to do. She is desperate to rescue her DD but knows that she can't go in too hard and risk pushing her away. She banned the boyfriend from coming to their house but he took this out on the DD and nobody is 100% sure that the abuse hasn't started getting physical as well. It's awful.

I think my advice would be to call Women's Aid yourself and see if they are able to give you some information or assistance in handling things with your DD. They will, unfortunately, have seen this a million times before and maybe they can help you to formulate a plan to reach out to your DD without doing something that will push her deeper into his clutches.

Good luck

OP I have no advice beyond continuing to be there for her and offering to go to her app'ts with her. You sound an amazing Mum & you have not failed her!

Maybe the pregnancy will encourage her to look after herself mentally & physically and hopefully give her the strength to leave the partner and focus on herself and the baby.

Just wanted to send a hug too xxx

Hi Op, you sound like a wonderful mother who is dealing with a very difficult situation.
Encourage your daughter to see the midwife as soon as possible. Perinatal mental health has received a lot of funding in recent years and most NHS Trusts or Health boards will have speacialised services. It is important to see a midwife early in the pregnancy so your daughter can be referred to them. They will be able to plan the most appropriate care for your DD and will be supportive and knowledgeable about her needs.
How does your daughter feel about the pregnancy? is she happy? is it something she wants to go ahead with? This is also something you might want to discuss with her.
Good luck to you both

I haven't read all the replies, but you sound like an amazing mum and I'm sure your daughter and grandchild will thrive with your support. A relative of mine in her 50s now has special guardianship of her grandchild due to a fairly similar situation, although the child was a bit older when she came to them.

By the way, in my area there is no need to see a GP if you are pregnant. You fill out a form online on the hospital website and you are given a "booking in" appointment with a midwife ASAP, normally a couple of weeks later. The booking in midwife will then refer you on to any specialist support. So it might be the same in your area, and she can avoid the GP?

Oh and I do agree with not doing the cleaning etc in the flag for her so that she is encouraged to help herself more.

Can you take her out for tea and cake or something instead of giving her money? That would get some food into her and avoid the money going astray.
I'm really not convinced giving her money is a good idea.

It's great that she's told you she's pregnant. Personally I would be careful about 'confronting her head on' as you really don't want her to decide she doesn't want to talk to you. But that doesn't mean you can't talk to her, for example about how her low weight/poor diet could affect the baby - if she's scared of hospitals because of previous admissions maybe explain that she could end up hospitalised if she doesn't look after her physical health.

I hope you manage to have a constructive conversation