DD is pregnant and I'm devastated

[Veryworriedmumof1]

My husband thinks I'm BU and that we will deal with like like we've dealt wi everything else in life. He's a glass half full kind-of man and I'm not. AIBU and overly emotional? To avoid drip feeding; I have depression and anxiety and I can be quite negative and overly fearful.

DD aged 22 has been mentally ill since she was a teenager. She's bright but missed a lot of schooling due to inpatient psychiatric admissions. She's quite determined though and found herself a good job not long after she dropped out of school. Things were improving for her; she had a job, she occasionally socialised and she seemed less unwell. Then, she met an emotionally abusive alcohol dependent arsehole. I think that's when we lost her.

DD and the arsehole live 20 miles from us in the most disgusting hovel that I've ever seen. I know that people with mental health problems can self neglect but she was never like this before she met him. I've tried everything to make her life better; I go to their flat once a week to clean, do all their laundry, buy food, make them dinner and drop it around. I give her money to spend on nice things for herself but I expect she gives it to him to buy booze. :( She kept missing work and lost her job late last year.

DD confessed that she wanted to move nearer to me and I offered to sell our house, buy a flat and give her the money to rent in our area. They discussed it, apparently, but he doesn't want to, so she won't. Her room is here and available for her. I want her home.

We love our daughter very much and she has lots of positive attributes. However, her mental illness brings out the worst in her. She's so demotivated and can barely look after herself at the moment. When she said that she was pregnant, I told her that I loved her and would support her. I can't stop sobbing. She can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself. DD is 5ft5 and must be less than 7 stone now because she doesn't eat properly. She doesn't get dressed most days and I don't know she doesn't shower as much as she could. I've dragged her to the GP but she won't go. There's nothing I can do with an adult who won't engage with mental health services. I don't want to have to contact social services about my own daughter but they can't safely look after a child, so what choice do I have?

We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby but we will do everything in our power to support DD. She is welcome to move back home with the baby (and we will help) but that arsehole is not stepping foot through my door.

I know she's an adult but she's an ill one who missed out on growing up due to mental illness. She is immature and I don't even ask her to look after the cats while we are away because she couldn't cope with the responsibility.

I've given her info on women's aid and other DV charities. I've offered to fund private therapy for her. I know I'm a mug doing her cleaning but she's ill and I can't have her living in filth. I will never see any grandchild of mine living like that either.

I'm crushed. I want her to be happy and healthy.

Erm no, with my own children. Thanks to the social I have depression, anxiety and trust issues. I lost bonding time, my milk dried up and was kept essentially prisoner in the hospital, while they told me my daughter was being taken away at two days old. I had to watch the police taking pictures of my child and the 1mm mark below her third rib. It was traumatic to say the least and I still haven't got over it three years on, then when I fell pregnant with my second I got a call saying I was to be investigated again, as the midwife I had seen had reported me purely for getting pregnant again. So fuck knows what will happen if I have a third child, they stick like a fly to shit once they have been to you once.

OP, you are a fantastic, caring mum, but your daughter needs to start learning how to stand on her own 2 feet if she is to be half the mum to her baby that you are to her.

From what you say, it sounds as though she really wants to be a good mother. She needs to understand that she's going to have to get her act together to stand half a chance of doing that, and hopefully that will give her the motivation to make some changes.

I put my professional head on and mentally went through the factors that I would have to consider when deciding whether or not a case like this met the threshold at which I would have a duty to raise a safeguarding alert.

From what you've told me we have: an expectant mother with MH history; not engaging with MH services; not engaging with ante-natal services; possible self-neglect (poor nutrition); alcohol-dependent partner; ? emotionally abusive partner; neglect of home environment; ? poor financial management. That meets the threshold for raising an alert. On the plus side, she has a very supportive mum who is happy to get involved.

Is there any way you could explain that she has a big responsibility to stay safe and well for the baby, and to maintain a safe environment so she can look after him/her properly? And that you will help her develop the skills she needs to do that?

It sounds like they might be on benefits, so you could start by helping her apply for her healthy start vouchers, which would mean she had to see the midwife to get the form signed. They would then consider her mental health issues, and possibly (probably) get other services involved.

Ime, children's services are good at preventative work, and happy to work with the whole family. While I think I would stop short of recommending that you get them involved (primarily because it could alienate your daughter from accepting your support), I think it would be beneficial overall if they were involved.

I also think it's important that you don't do stuff for your daughter, like cooking and cleaning, but motivate and coach her to develop those skills for herself. Wanting to be a good mum can be a game-changer for people with poor life-management skills, and a great incentive to sort themselves out.

The downside of that is that if they do not sort themselves out - and many parents do not - the baby suffers.

So we fuck up someone's life based on an assumption, that's what happened to me and now I live in fear (irrational) that I will lose my kids. Constantly scared of ones I should be able to ask for help. Give the woman, who clearly wants this child a chance, it's only fair.

Fair to whom?

SS wouldnt have that level of involvement for no reason BorrowedHeart

You say nothing about the back history so it's impossible to judge.

I've seen women with history of serious mental illness or in abusive relationships, or both, outraged at SS intervention when it is very clearly needed.

Not saying SS always get it right. Truth is it's impossible to predict which children are going to end up being seriously harmed. But it's better to err on the side of caution than to end up with tragedies like Victoria Climbié, Baby P, Ellie Butler.

You must involve social services as soon as possible

Their being invited in by the family to offer help and support if needed is a mile better than being called by a GP or Health Visitor

There are a number of issues you cannot fix OP.

Your daughter has a history of significance MH problems ( evidenced by in patient stays )
She refused to engage with MH services.
She sounds as though she is exhibiting significant signs of a disorder with strong depressive elements
She is malnourished
Dirty
Her home life chaotic
Her home filthy
Her partner an alcohol abuser

Without your input she'd be living in squalor.
This is no place for a baby.
Nothing in this picture is right for a baby. Nothing.

BorrowedHeart I'm sorry there must have been more back story to that, said wouldn't have that level of involvement for no reason. In fact I'd say it had to be a very good reason.

I actually called ss myself when pregnant with dd. I'd had depression and am disabled and was worried that I might need some more support.

I won't go in to details but they were fantastic. In the end they decided I didn't actually need any involvement but said they were only a phone call away if I needed them again.

They have me so much confidence I even have a ds now!

I can't help being a bit sceptical about all these comments of 'Oh no, don't call them, once they get you they won't leave you alone and will take your baby away for no reason!'

They did nothing but support me to do the best for dd, which was what we all wanted.

Sometimes people have to rewrite their own history I guess, bit dangerous if it puts someone off getting help that they need though.

I promise you it's far more likely that the baby will end up in care if nobody alerts them before it is born. If they are as dysfunctional as described then the health visitor will refer them in and once there is evidence of actual harm/risk then the wheels will he set in motion. It's far better to preempt that and get the assessment done pre birth so support/plans can be in place immediately the baby is born rather than reacting to disaster.

You were all so supportive and helpful, so I thought I'd update. I got a kind kick up the backside from some people too. It was all good, thank you. I appreciate it more than you could ever know.

I have reflected on the fact that I have babied her too much. I have tried to suffocate her at times, it came from a loving place but it was wrong. I was so very anxious and feeling guilty that she is mentally ill. I'm in a better place than I was when I posted this. I still struggle. I blame myself.

DD is 14 weeks pregnant. She has been referred to the mental health team and she will be under consultant led care due to her mental health needs. I didn't want to make it too identifiable by saying this but what the heck, I've said enough to make it obvious should anyone who knows us be reading. DD had anorexia which then developed into bulimia. She was maintaining a better weight when she had bulimia but obviously the behaviours were concerning. I genuinely have no idea how she got pregnant given all this. She's gained some weight but remains painfully thin and at risk. She's not out of the woods yet in terms of potential for miscarriage.

The arsehole unceremoniously dumped her via text when he was out drinking with his mates in this pub. He's decided he doesn't want to be a dad. She's devastated. To give context to those who questioned his alcohol use. DD met him at a church support group-type thing for people with addiction issues. She went as her bulimia and bingeing was out of control. He went for alcohol problems. They are terrible together. I'm not solely blaming him. I did. That was wrong. She is probably triggering for him too. They are both struggling with their own demons. I am actually sad for him because he doesn't have loving parents. He probably just wants to feel loved but he and DD both need help.

We sat with her and got her to sign a 'contract' of sorts. She can live at home for 3 months while she gets herself back on her feet. We will support her to find somewhere near to us. She needs to accept support from all services. We are no longer her bank but of course, we will not see her go without. I said we will not parent her child. We will be loving and involved grandparents. If she can't parent, I told her we will refer straight away to social services.

We are going on holiday. DH and I are going on a big, expensive fuck off fancy holiday, just because we can. I've been too scared because DD has been so reliant on me for basics but she's a bright girl, she'll learn. She needs to learn, she's going to be a mother.

I think she'll get back with him. I hear her talking to him on the phone. That is completely her choice. I have no control over that. I won't be their doormat but I will be there.

It's hard living with DD. I think the image of her and a lovely newborn in our home was totally unrealistic. She is difficult and stubborn but she's shown willing. She's clearly trying to do what's right by the baby. It's still early days and she's got a lot to prove. The important thing is that the GP and midwife are aware of her issues and she's in th system. I hope it'll catch her if she falls but more than that, I hope she doesn't fall at all.

A big well done and good luck to you all xxxx

What a lovely Mum you are, she is lucky to have you.Enjoy the holiday & good luck to you all!

What a good update. It sounds like you have a workable plan and can go off on your holiday with a clear head. Have fun.

Thank you for updating
I read your thread with interest although didn't post.
Hope you have a great holiday and that the future is bright for you all

I reads your original thread and am so pleased things seem to have worked out for the best.

Remember the support and love you and your DH give your DD as parents will be remembered and considered always by your DD.

Have a great holiday and I hope everything else turns out well for all of you. You'll soon have a wonderful grandchild.

You are such a beautiful lady and a fantastic mother!

I wish you all the best with your Grandchild when they are due and that this will be a successful and lovely extension to your family.

You have really moved on yourself in your thinking, great that you are having a holiday and pushing your dd towards independence with support from outside agencies. It won't be easy and you are right, she may get back with this guy, but you know you have done what you can.

Well done you, you sound like a lovely mum. Have thought of you often since the original thread. Enjoy the holiday!

Have a bloody great holiday. You are a brilliant mum and woman and your daughter, grandchild to be and hubby are lucky to have you in their lives.

I remember reading this thread. Well done OP, I think you have put everything in place for your DD that you possibly can and have given her every chance.

Bloody hell, well done you! Enjoy that holiday. You really deserve it.

I remember it too - fingers crossed it sounds a good plan and enjoy the holiday!

What a lovely update, you sound so strong and well.
You've definitely got it figured out.
Everything that you, as a Mother, have instilled in your daughter, is in there somewhere, so don't overly concern yourself.
Go and have a fabulous holiday, you so deserve it.
When the baby comes along, your heart will melt ! 😄🌺🌺🌺

Ah, thanks for the positive update.

Just wondering, does she still definitely want the baby now he's not around? I assume so from your post, but if you're not sure, it may be worth gently asking her ... just in case she has changed her mind but doesn't feel able to say so now, iyswim.

I hope things start falling into place for all concerned. At the end of the day your dd is an adult, she has to make her own mistakes and learn from them. All you can do is support her, but, you also have to have a life yourself.

Enjoy the holiday :)