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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Being TOLD what the family summer holiday is by DH??

280 replies

Fubbs · 26/01/2017 10:53

On Tuesday evening, DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me.

(Bit of background, we were there two years ago and I didn't enjoy it. Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

I feel like he's decided where the holiday is going to be and I'm just been told about the plan without being asked about it at all. He's discussed holidays with his parents at the weekend as he told me they'll pay the kids' flights so the holidays were decided between them then and I'm the last to know. He has dismissed my suggestions of alternative destinations completely and he seems to feel that if he says no, that's that. He said that as I have a choice whether to go or not, I'm the one being unreasonable but that we can go for a couple of days somewhere I want to go at another time.

Then he's surprised that a night of passion isn't on the cards for him after he's pissed me off and he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so am wondering if IABU?? Where do we go from here?? And what do I say to his parents when they ask if I'm looking forward to the holiday? I don't want to be rude to them but don't want them to think that I'm okay with the situation I find myself in.

Help!!

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 26/01/2017 10:56

Oh dear, Fubbs, I didn't want to read and run. You have found the right place to post, lots of people will be along to help. This sounds much wider than a choice (or lack of it) of holiday destination. Here is a handhold, in the meantime.

Ladyformation · 26/01/2017 10:58

He is obviously BU but this is such a weird thing to do that I wonder if it's the tip of the iceberg. Does he have form for disregarding your views and preferences like this?

honeysucklejasmine · 26/01/2017 11:01

I am in a similar position. ILs want to take us on long haul holiday to sunny climes. Dd would be 18m old at time of travel. We said no thanks. Can't afford it. Don't want to fly with 18m old. They offered to pay. We again said no. Truth is, my health does not allow for time in the sun. I am photosensitive and also plan on being pregnant by then, and i am high risk. Destination country does not have decent healthcare.

I was really upset to have to tell them personal things to get them to back off, but it worked! Think they are a bit embarrassed.

So, I would be honest. The climate doesn't suit you, you'd rather not go again.

The fact that your dh has unilaterally decided to go would make me livid. My dh doesn't want me to suffer so is totally in agreement about not going, and I expect nothing less.

Touchmybum · 26/01/2017 11:01

YANBU. I don't know where to start with this one. A family holiday is meant to be a joint decision. Is it a question of affordability? Is it possible to go at a different time when it won't be so hot ?

Where is it if you don't mind me asking that there is absolutely nothing to do?!

TheStoic · 26/01/2017 11:02

Well if he had discussed it with you, you'd have said No.

Can you all go on a second holiday together?

Touchmybum · 26/01/2017 11:02

I will go with your ILs honeysuckle!!!!!!!!

SittingAround1 · 26/01/2017 11:08

YANBU. It should be a joint decision that you're both happy with. Or a compromise such as one week at his parents and another in a place you'd like to go to.

Is he controlling in other areas of your relationship?

HelenaGWells · 26/01/2017 11:22

he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

This seems to be your actual problem. It sounds like the control is coming from outside your household. Here are both sides as I see them from what you've said.

He feels like he HAS to say yes to his parents, especially if they offered to pay for the flights, as it's basically a cheap holiday as the big costs are covered. He knows that you don't want to do the holiday again because you found it boring and uncomfortable. He has told you that you don't have to do it. In his mind this is now him being incredibly reasonable. He feels he can't say no but he knows how uncomfortable you were so he has given you the option of saying no and presumably he will support you in that decision. He now feels he has done all he can to make the best of the situation he feels forced into.

You however feel like he has taken over all the holiday plans and should say no to his parents. You feel like just telling you that you don't have to come isn't enough. Saying no makes you feel ungrateful and uncomfortable and you basically want your DH to say no on behalf of you all. You feel like you are being reasonable because you just want a say in your own holiday.

Neither of these viewpoints are unreasonable in my eyes. Your main issue is that your DH won't say no to his parents. From the bit I quoted above it sounds like the control is coming from his parents who are railroading him into taking your DC to their preferred destination. He may not want to go either but he feels he has to for whatever reason. It sounds like he's giving you a get out but is pissed that you aren't grateful for it because he'd like one as well. He just isn't seeing that he HAS one, it's called saying no.

You need to find out if HE actually wants to do this trip or if he is just bowing down to his parents.

SanityAssassin · 26/01/2017 11:26

Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

This does seem to make it all about you - do the rest of the family enjoy going there?

Jaxhog · 26/01/2017 11:27

Let him go on his own with your two boys. One of these is likely to happen:

  1. They'll have a great holiday together, and you'll have a great rest on your own, doing what YOU like doing.
  2. He'll have a crap time because he's not looked after the boys by himself before. Now he'll appreciate what you do.
  3. MiL will end up looking after the boys. PiL won't invite you all again.

Win, win!

BTW, he sounds way too controlling. Is he like this in other areas?

pipsqueak25 · 26/01/2017 11:28

i take your dh isn't english ? different culture and all that goes with it especially if parents are heavily involved.
failing that he's being selfish and imo opinion a bit of a dick.

RB68 · 26/01/2017 11:29

Find somewhere to take yourself off to on your own and let him know you have booked it all up and are greatful he is prepared to the the kids on, making sure they have holiday gear, packing for them, making sure they stay well, eat properly and are sun lotioned up and not burnt etc. Leaving you free to have two weeks somewhere lovely on your own. After all its paid for by the savings on flights and accommodation, far more suited to you and your needs and really a well deserved holiday from being Mum...

BarbarianMum · 26/01/2017 11:32

I'd expect him to offer a second family holiday with you, but I would never allow my dh to tell me I couldn't take the kids on holiday with my parents if I wanted to go so I think YABU about them going.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 26/01/2017 11:35

I'd be very pissed off that he seems to feel he is entitled to a veto and you aren't, and it's that inequality I'd be wanting to talk about. He can say no to a destination and that's the end of it. You say no, and it's fine, they're going anyway and they'll just leave you behind.

At this point I'd be tempted to try 'Ok. Well I'm taking the kids to x on this date for three weeks. You can come or not, up to you' and ask him how that sounds and feels to him.

Is this about the money? Or will PiLs be planning to join them on that holiday?

pipsqueak25 · 26/01/2017 11:35

2nd holiday def. should be in the offing at a later date.

dollydaydream114 · 26/01/2017 11:37

Is this the only time he's made decisions like this without you, or is it a one-off?

I agree that it's not acceptable for him to say 'This is where we're going on holiday and if you don't like it, don't come'. Of course you should have to discuss it together and he shouldn't have made the arrangements with his parents without telling you. If he was talking about taking your kids away on his own in addition to a family holiday with all of you, that would be different.

I have to say, though, your description of your previous holiday there does sound a little bit whingy; I'm a bit gobsmacked that you actually tried to come home early. I think most people would at least have tried to stick it out to the end of the fortnight, even if it wasn't their idea of a dream holiday. Did your husband and kids enjoy themselves?

I guess I'm just trying to get a handle on whether your DH is always controlling and stubborn, or whether this is out of character for him and maybe he feels that you've been making everything all about you and that this is a reaction to that.

TheStoic · 26/01/2017 11:39

Dozens and dozens of women plan family holidays with their parents/siblings with little or no discussion with their husbands.

Would it be ok for their husbands to say 'Actually no, I don't enjoy it there. So you and kids can't go either'...?

Crispbutty · 26/01/2017 11:41

Where on earth is this that vegetarian food doesn't exist? I actually can't think of anywhere.

TwitterQueen1 · 26/01/2017 11:41

It does sound as though you were a PITA on the previous holiday. Did you make any attempt to enjoy yourself with your DCs and DH or just sulk inside all day every day? I can't believe you didn't even go out to eat with them in the evening....

OK, I wouldn't like to be told what I'm doing for a summer holiday either but this is what happens when you have immediate family in a different country.

Your DH is obligated. You are not. He's told you that you can choose! I would grasp the opportunity with both hands and do something that you really want to do.

flamingc1appers · 26/01/2017 11:43

Helena's post hits the nails the head, I think. I think he finds it hard to say no to his parents, particularly as they have offered to pay for the boys' flights. It is an almost free holiday and he probably feels he hasn't got a good enough reason not to go.

Did you say the PILs will also be going OP? Maybe he feels that he has to facilitate them having a vacation with their grandchildren?

Or maybe he's being a bit of a stingy git and doesn't want to pay for a full family holiday? Is he weird about money?

Also, if you don't mind my saying so, bemoaning 35 degree heat is a tad over-dramatic Confused Most places are in the summer. It may be that temp in the UK?

If this holiday is essentially free, why does it prevent you all going away somewhere more to your preference at another point in the summer or at Easter?

BarbarianMum · 26/01/2017 11:46

There are actually a lot of places that vegetarian food is hard to get hold of, or not reliably vegetarian. But then I'm gluten-free and ditto. Doesn't stop me enjoying holidays, though.

JennyOnAPlate · 26/01/2017 11:46

It's completely unreasonable of him to decide where the family holiday will be without consulting you.

I assume there is a back story to this? Does he find it hard to say no to his parents?

Astro55 · 26/01/2017 11:47

Book a holiday on your own own or with friends -

Let him take the kids - not sure what age they are - but he'll manage

I'm off for a few days with the kids as we get more holiday than dH and he travels with work to far off warm climates - all paid for

He could come - but doesn't want too - he's ok with that - we'll have another holiday another time

Crispbutty · 26/01/2017 11:47

"Also, if you don't mind my saying so, bemoaning 35 degree heat is a tad over-dramatic confused Most places are in the summer. It may be that temp in the UK"

Where in the uk is going to be that temperature?? Confused

Trifleorbust · 26/01/2017 11:49

It is really unfair of him to behave in this way IF this is the only family holiday (a day here and there doesn't count). I would ask him how he would feel if you just booked a fortnight somewhere and told him he could like it or lump it - hardly the way to behave in marriage!