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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Being TOLD what the family summer holiday is by DH??

280 replies

Fubbs · 26/01/2017 10:53

On Tuesday evening, DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me.

(Bit of background, we were there two years ago and I didn't enjoy it. Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

I feel like he's decided where the holiday is going to be and I'm just been told about the plan without being asked about it at all. He's discussed holidays with his parents at the weekend as he told me they'll pay the kids' flights so the holidays were decided between them then and I'm the last to know. He has dismissed my suggestions of alternative destinations completely and he seems to feel that if he says no, that's that. He said that as I have a choice whether to go or not, I'm the one being unreasonable but that we can go for a couple of days somewhere I want to go at another time.

Then he's surprised that a night of passion isn't on the cards for him after he's pissed me off and he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so am wondering if IABU?? Where do we go from here?? And what do I say to his parents when they ask if I'm looking forward to the holiday? I don't want to be rude to them but don't want them to think that I'm okay with the situation I find myself in.

Help!!

OP posts:

user1484317265 · 26/01/2017 13:37

DH told me yesteray that if I don't want sex and he does, he has to go without and that's me controlling him

This is far more worrying than anything about a holiday. He's trying to pressure you into having sex with him even when he knows you don't want to.
Combine that with his lack of consideration on the rest.....I'm guessing there are other issues too.

ErrolTheDragon · 26/01/2017 13:49

DH told me yesteray that if I don't want sex and he does, he has to go without and that's me controlling him

Thats you simply retaining your bodily autonomy. He does know he has no actual right to sex, doesn't he?

Of course he should have discussed this holiday rather than presenting you with a 'take it or leave it' of something he knew you wouldn't like.

And from your description, last year you had a holiday you all enjoyed - tell him that you're gutted because you were really looking forward to something like that again. If he's not as much of an arse as it sounds, maybe that approach - being positive about what you would like - might be more productive than focussing(though with reason) on negatives.

BarbarianMum · 26/01/2017 13:58

Your husband's a dick.

You could change the time of year so it's not roasting (Easter, May half term) but he needs to meet you halfway about food etc.

Would he really want to do a single parent holiday for 2 weeks? I'd be tempted to let him try.

dollydaydream114 · 26/01/2017 14:14

DH told me yesteray that if I don't want sex and he does, he has to go without and that's me controlling him

OK, this is much more worrying than the holiday thing to be honest. Sex is supposed to be a mutual thing, not a service you provide.

HappyAsASandboy · 26/01/2017 14:19

I don't know if there are any underlining issues, but this wouldn't be a big problem in our house.

If my DH wanted to take the kids on holiday with his parents, and his parents were paying for the kids, then I can't see any reason to object. I would decide to go or not go, depending on my preference (assuming no breastfed/tiny children, which I couldn't let go without me!).

If you want to go somewhere else, either go alone when he's away with the kids, or plan something for you and the kids and see if DH wants to come too.

No biggy for one year, though I would then talk to DH and express sadness that we weren't all getting a holiday together (if that's how it pans out) and ask that next year we do a family holiday instead of separate things.

Shakirasma · 26/01/2017 14:32

Your husband seems to be a manipulative bully.

Branleuse · 26/01/2017 14:33

have you thought about trying the holiday home but suggesting you go at easter or in the winter so its not as hot for you

PickAChew · 26/01/2017 14:41

bemoaning 35 degree heat is a tad over-dramatic confused Most places are in the summer. It may be that temp in the UK?

Not overdramatic, at all. I feel ill if it's over 25C. 35C would be torture for me. Plenty of threads start throughout each summer which demonstrate that I'm not alone.

OTOH, it's not ventured above freezing, here, today and the wind stings somewhat, as we have a windchill of -6, but the school walk is a lot less unpleasant for me than when it's 25C, in summer. I know plenty of people who would avoid being outside in this weather, though.

TinyTear · 26/01/2017 14:41

Why does it have to be two weeks?

I rather do more one week holidays that just one two week one somewhere like Spain! We aren't exactly talking about a great American road trip where you need more time

PickAChew · 26/01/2017 14:45

DH told me yesteray that if I don't want sex and he does, he has to go without and that's me controlling him. But seeing that I do have a choice about going to Spain, it's not controlling.

I don't like him, already. Knobend.

Crispbutty · 26/01/2017 14:47

Is there air con in the house? Was the heat unusually hot there for the year and may be cooler this year. It is generally cooler at the beach too anyway.

I'm struggling to believe that you were unable to find vegetarian food. I've been all over Spain and there are lots of vegetarian dishes on tapas menus and plenty of vegetarian dishes in restaurants and supermarkets have good supplies of bread, salad, veg etc..

Why not suggest you fly out a week later and just have one week with them and a week doing your own thing first?

Can you hire a car out there so that you can travel a bit further afield and explore more in the days?

SpartacusWoman · 26/01/2017 14:50

DH told me yesteray that if I don't want sex and he does, he has to go without and that's me controlling him. But seeing that I do have a choice about going to Spain, it's not controlling

This is all kinds of wrong and worrying tbh.

He is comparing your right to having bodily autonomy to him choosing a holiday for you? So because you get to say no to sex you don't want and he does, he then has a right to choose a holiday that he knows you don't want but he does?

Of course he goes without if you don't want sex, that's what normal men do, they don't accuse their partner of controlling them. He doesn't have a right to have access to your body ffs.

Many women don't feel like sex when in the middle of an unresolved argument, it's not because they are controlling, it's because they are oissed off, and I'd be even more furious that he felt you should still have sex just so he didn't have to go without.

Would he actually go ahead and have sex with you know when he knows you don't want to, or when you're only agreeing to it because he's accusing you of being controlling? There's a word for men who have sex with women when they know they don't want to, or coerce them into it with "you're controlling me by saying no" bullshit.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/01/2017 15:12

Where on earth is this that vegetarian food doesn't exist? I actually can't think of anywhere

Certain parts of France, and Spain. The greek isles. I don't go because of no vegetarian food.

No vegetarian food? So you sat in or just didn't order anything? So nowhere did bread, salad? Potatoes

I went to Corfu a few years ago and there were no potatoes or bread unless you ordered steak. I was not paying £4.50 for a round of bread.

I couldnt wait to get my flight meal. I was starving spent the whole holiday living off Tomato Salad and Cucumber Salad which was a tomato or a bit of cucumber sliced up on a saucer, I did lose 10lbs in the week,

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/01/2017 15:15

DH told me yesteray that if I don't want sex and he does, he has to go without and that's me controlling him. But seeing that I do have a choice about going to Spain, it's not controlling

But surely if you are not on a family holiday he is going to have to go without sex for 2 weeks. Isn't that just shooting himself in the foot

liquidrevolution · 26/01/2017 15:15

DH loves Africa. He is English but lived there for 9 years as a child due to his dads work. I hate hot weather and have no desire to go there. So we dont go. He has no interest in visiting scandinavia which is my dream. So we dont go.

Instead we compromise. Which is what your DH should be doing.

BarbarianMum · 26/01/2017 15:16

Did they not have any shops near you then Oliversmum? You must have been exceptionally unlucky in your location because tons of Greek stuff is vegetarian.

BarbarianMum · 26/01/2017 15:20

liquid that is one solution. But not one I would ever choose, in totality. Luckily my dh also dreams of the Serengeti (still saving for that one), the Galapagos (honeymoon) and the Indian himalayas (one day). But if he wasn't I'd still be going alone (or with the kids) on one of the years we weren't in Wales with a tent.

Butterymuffin · 26/01/2017 16:22

On the basis of your update, I reckon call his bluff. He wants you to give in and go. Don't. I know you'll miss the boys but something tells me that if he has to take them and parent alone for two weeks, theymay well end up looking for early flights back anyway.

The sex thing is not good, though. Does he consider his marriage vows in general to be 'controlling', then? How can he explain the notion that expecting someone to have sex when they don't want to is not controlling, but turning down sex that you don't want is controlling? Sounds like in his world, only women are controlling, conveniently for him.

Butterymuffin · 26/01/2017 16:23

I do also think you were excessively moany about the holiday, though. But the best solution, other than just having a healthier relationship all round, is for you to stay behind while they go.

milliemolliemou · 26/01/2017 16:24

@oliversmum @barbarian
In Greece for vegetarians: No feta cheese, olives, pitta bread, taramasalata, homous, rice and herb stuffed vine leaves, toasted halloumi, bean stew with garlic, spanokopita, chilled walnut soup, roasted peppers with tomatoes and anchovies? Where on earth were you staying in Corfu?

In Spain for vegetarians with no oven: tricky if you don't like masses of salad, don't have cooking equipment for gazpacho, and no nearby shops for good cheeses and bread. And you can't do omelettes. If there's aircon there surely OP could suggest a microwave oven at least.

And 32C is hugely hot - most people in Oz were complaining about that temperature last week. We had it in the UK in 2016 Sept. I don't think many liked it unless they had access to water (sea/pool/drinking), a cool house or air con.

But OP - arguing and then him thinking you wanted to make love and equating it with control? Sounds bad.

user1484317265 · 26/01/2017 16:30

bemoaning 35 degree heat is a tad over-dramatic confused Most places are in the summer. It may be that temp in the UK?

HAha ha ha! Er, NO. Are you crazy? I love 35 deg but for an awful lot of Brits that is seriously hot. People here complain in the summer if it gets above 20!

And who went to Corfu and couldn't find vegetarian food? No idea where you were going but its really easy to get. Traditional food has many vegetarian dishes, there is hardly a restaurant that doesn't serve stuffed tomatoes/vine leaves, big fresh salads, pastry stuffed with spinach and feta....one of the easiest places to be as a vegetarian. Actually even vegans can eat out well in Corfu!

Chelazla · 26/01/2017 16:30

YABU your original post is so Whiny! Sorry op! He's offered to take them and then go somewhere with you after cant see the remotest problem sorry!

user1484317265 · 26/01/2017 16:34

You can't see the remotest problem with a man telling his wife that he decides where the holiday is, and she can go fuck herself if she doesn't like it because he's going anyway and taking the kids? And that she owes him sex even if she doesn't want to?

Go on, try a bit harder. I bet you can see the remotest problem if you really try hard.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 26/01/2017 16:35

Last summer a holiday got booked by DH's family for all of us and I was told we were going after it was booked and didn't get a say.

Never again.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/01/2017 16:37

Large parts of Spain at the height of summer are very hot. I have close friends there and they go abroad in August as much as they can to escape.

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