AIBU - Being TOLD what the family summer holiday is by DH??

[Fubbs]

On Tuesday evening, DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me.

(Bit of background, we were there two years ago and I didn't enjoy it. Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

I feel like he's decided where the holiday is going to be and I'm just been told about the plan without being asked about it at all. He's discussed holidays with his parents at the weekend as he told me they'll pay the kids' flights so the holidays were decided between them then and I'm the last to know. He has dismissed my suggestions of alternative destinations completely and he seems to feel that if he says no, that's that. He said that as I have a choice whether to go or not, I'm the one being unreasonable but that we can go for a couple of days somewhere I want to go at another time.

Then he's surprised that a night of passion isn't on the cards for him after he's pissed me off and he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so am wondering if IABU?? Where do we go from here?? And what do I say to his parents when they ask if I'm looking forward to the holiday? I don't want to be rude to them but don't want them to think that I'm okay with the situation I find myself in.

Help!!

How is it ok for anyone to arrange a family holiday that they know their partner will hate without even discussing it?
Mean,mean,mean.
And I wouldn't do that - I do consider whether the DCs will enjoy a holiday ,we always planned for everyone to have fun - but I wouldn't go on a two week holiday I hated ,even if they'd have fun.I'm a member of the family - on family holidays I'm entitled to have some fun too! Being too hot with no proper food and nothing to do for 2 weeks isn't fun...
And re the food it look as if OP did find somewhere providing vegetarian food,but her DH wasn't prepared to go back there...

She asked about the hol being unreasonable not sex I replied to that bit and I stand by that. Her reasons for not enjoying hol seem moany. If it was my family's place and they offered to pay dc flights i'd say same to dh. Come or don't we're going. He has said they'll also go away together. So I've tried really hard and still think op is bu.

This was a few years ago and it was a man made place and the only "shops" were bars. Plenty of alcohol but I don't drink.
We went with friends who assured me like you are that Greece was vegetarian friendly. It was a cheap deal to somewhere they hadn't gone before. They did feel bad when they realised the things I could eat without buying meat dishes was the tomatoes and cucumber. Chips only came with chicken and bread only came with steak.

Never again.

It's not "whiny" of the OP to explain why she didn't enjoy the holiday last time, it's completely relevant to the thread. With limited time and money to go on holiday, we are all entitled to choose a holiday that we are likely to enjoy.

OP, your husband sounds like a bastard. He's accusing you of being controlling when he's the controlling one. He completely dismisses your suggestions and preferences - the idea to go to Legoland, for example, and the Indian restaurant you liked on holiday - and accusing you of being "controlling" because you don't want sex (understandable because he's a nasty bully) is a red flag for sexual coercion.

Any of this sound familiar?
You’re Not Going Crazy: 5 Sure Signs You’re Being Emotionally Abused

Back on the computer today, thanks for all the replies.

I know I sounded moany but I was trying to explain why I didn't like it the last time I was there. I wasn't sitting in the house constanly going through a list of complaints the whole time! Well, not that I recall . I really thought I would lose my mind with the heat and tedium. A Spanish friend had asked me if I thought it might be a bit hot before I went, she was right!! DH spent time in South Africa as a child, seems to enjoy the heat but I just don't.

Anyway, I presume DH is mentioning sex as he's (correctly) guessed that I've no interest in sleeping with him at the moment but when I say no, he gets to accuse me of controlling and manipulative. He may well feel I'm being controlling but I've decided that if he asks about sex again, I'm just not going to play that game of saying "no" again and tell him to figure it out. And try to watch my tone, I have been accused of having acid on my tongue once by a friend. I'm well aware that I'm no angel!

I just don't know how to talk to someone who's clearly decided he's in the right and is being very reasonable, without it descending into a row where he can tell me I'm shouting (which I was on Tuesday a bit, in fairness, after him announcing his plan to me) and he gets to play someone calm and, obviously, reasonable. If I carry on like everything's normal, he'll think that it's all fine when it's not! We are just about talking but not in a casual way, only if someone has a question. DH asked this morning about some savings we have in the house, I presume he's checking how much he has for the holiday.

And I will tell his parents if they ask that as DH decided on the holiday without me and is well aware that I don't want to go there, I won't be going. That is true, without being rude. I hope!

I'm actually tormenting myself as well, constantly hoping that he's going to say that the two weeks might be a bit long and he'll cut it to one or that we might look again at the holidays. Never knew I was such an optimist! He should just book the tickets and then it's a done deal.

I checked out the emotional abuse info - there are a couple of things that I can see a bit of in DH and in myself too but nothing to set alarm bells ringing but it was good to have a look and see that!

DH asked this morning about some savings we have in the house

I'd be tempted to use them for a holiday for myself/with a friend.

BTW have you asked him about cutting it to one week or do you feel you can't because he'd just say no?

I'm intrigued as to which part of southern Spain has nothing to do or no vegetarian food. I'm genuinely curious.

Most tapas bars should serve the following:

Manchego & membrillo (cheese and quince paste)
Tortilla
Revueltos (Spanish scrambled eggs, often with whatever veg is in season)
Garlic mushrooms
Patatas bravas

Yes it will get a bit repetitive but there is choice if you look.

I think if you keep quiet, OP, and let him get on with the planning of taking the kids away by himself...it might all mysteriously fall through.

Book yourself a holiday doing something you would enjoy and he wouldn't, have a good time, and you will both enjoy each other's company when you get back

Look on it as a chance to book yourself somewhere you've always wanted to go.

I flew to the US recently leaving my DH to walk in the Lake District

milliemolliemou Taramasalata and anchovies are not vegetarian

Well how ridicuous!

Are your dc school age op? If so there are holidays at Easter, half term, winter not just the summer!

Why don't you talk directy with your in laws and tell them you find it too hot in the summer but could you all go for a shorter time during half term or in the winter/Easter? It would be cheaper for them too!

If it's just 2 weeks out of the entire summer holidays and no room for manouvre then just wave them off happily and do something you will enjoy!

Then plan family time another time! Compromise is all that is necesssary on all sides!!

It may be that temp in the UK?

Google tells me:-

July is the hottest month in London with an average temperature of 19°C

Go in May, or October.
Go for just a week.
Hire a car for half the time, there is soooo much to do in southern Spain. I thought you were going to say it was the arse end of nowhere in some rural desert.
Why is it bad to have read 7 books on holiday?!?
Or don't go, and wave them off graciously!

The sex comment is awful but the holiday thing you sound like such a martyr.

I was in south east Spain, I think. I don't want to bad mouth the area, DH and his family like it, so the problem is most likely me! I found vegetarian cheese in Lidl so had bread and cheese but options for eating out weren't good for me (I did look) and I don't like eggs. Don't remember any tapas places but we did find a Burger King (who had no veggie options!). Lots of burger and chip places so the kids were happy.

DH had gone over before and his parents had taken him around so I was depending on his knowledge of the area. He was probably hoping we'd all love it and have cheap holidays forever but it's not for me.

He's probably embarrassed, too, that his brothers and folks head out to the house all the time (his brother spent five weeks there last summer ) and we've only been once.

BTW have you asked him about cutting it to one week or do you feel you can't because he'd just say no?
Couldn't listen to him listing out my options for me again and doubt he'll be bothered changing his plans as he's already being so reasonable. Don't want to give him the satisfaction of turning me down.

I think if you keep quiet, OP, and let him get on with the planning of taking the kids away by himself...it might all mysteriously fall through.
I'd previously told him that if he was going away with the kids and without me, he'd have to organise everything himself and I won't be helping. No taking the moral high ground for me! And he'll have to do ALL the housework over there - let him at it!

I just don't know how to talk to someone who's clearly decided he's in the right and is being very reasonable, without it descending into a row where he can tell me I'm shouting (which I was on Tuesday a bit, in fairness, after him announcing his plan to me) and he gets to play someone calm and, obviously, reasonable.

This sounds passive aggressive to me. He has effectively closed down the conversation in order to get his way. Does he find pleasure in getting you angry and then telling you that you are the unreasonable one?

I don't have any easy answers to how to talk to him, other than that you need to have it very clearly in your head what is and is not unreasonable and then present it without getting angry.

Does he try to turn the argument round so it is about you and not him? I've had to learn how to work round it as my husband learned passive aggressive manipulation in the cradle. To him, straightforward discussion and openness is a concept he has had to work on.

Is your relationship not good in other ways? It sounds like you are pretty sick of the way he is treating you in general.

I think there is a very unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship, ie he has all the power and insists on being in the right and being the reasonable - you seem to have taken on board his criticisms and blame without questioning them. Based on what you've said I find it very hard to believe that your behaviour is emotionally abusive. Emotionally abusive people can be very good at making the other person feel that they are (it's called gaslighting).

Here's another link in case it's helpful:
the abuser profiles

(For example, so the fuck what if you shouted at him when he told you he had unilaterally booked a family holiday without discussing it with you! It was perfectly normal for you to be angry and he bloody well deserved to be shouted at!)

The power balance in the relationship sounds completely wrong to me. Holidays should always be discussed together. His parents don't get a say in your holiday.
You both seeing sex as a favour you grant him sounds odd to me too but lots of women on mumsnet seem to see withholding sex as a female bargaining tool which seems like prostitution to me. If you don't enjoy sex you are with the wrong man. Find a man who will view you as an equal.

I don't see this as a family holiday. I'm seeing this trip as him going to see his parents abroad and taking the kids to visit the grandparents. As long as you can afford a family holiday another time, I don't see much of an issue..
And he gave you the choice to come too

I know a lot of women who go away for a week or so to visit their family abroad and no one bats an eyelid for it. I don't see this being much different

How about a compromise? Could you go for a few days/week and then go either somewhere else for the rest of the time or come home?

Enjoy your time without him and use the money you have saved on your flight to plan a weekend at LEGOLAND with the kids.

Has he even considered going at a cooler time of year? You could hire a car and have days out, to places with lovely vegetarian food and interesting things to do.

I agree with some posters. Your relationship is somehow unhealthy.
What should have been a discussion on likes and how to compromise so that everyone can get what they want has been transformed into a power struggle.
Communication skills aren't great on either part either.

Fwiw, if I talk to DH when I am upset, 'shouting' (that means anything that ever so slightly above a normal tone of voice for DH), and just full of emotions, I know DH will NOT get ONE thing of what I am saying.
On the other, he will appear calm and collected (Note the APPEAR) and therefore like the rational and put together one that really can't be wrong. Except that indrneath he is just as strung up as me, probably more, which means he isn't able to do anything else than sticking to his POV. No way he can start thinking and compromising.
In effect his brain goes into overdrive and into survival mode.
The result is exactely what you are describing. No communication, h looking like the 'good one' etc...
All the while he will feel I am the one who is controlling because my reaction is feeding his survival mode, which he doesn't like and is struggling to cope with, so he feels that I am the one pushing him to do x and y.
Because yes sometimes we needed doing what I wanted....
Conclusion: the only way, in my experience, is to stop having a discussion when tempers are high. And to always always be calm when I am explaining my reasons against x or y. Driving whilst we are talking has proven to be a good way to do that for example.

The other side is that maybe it's time for you to look at your own beliefs.
Do you think that holidays should be taken together all the time? It can't be you going away with the dcs at xx and DH going away with the dcs at yy.
Do you believe that if you don't like xx then your opinion has to be taken into account and you should never spend your hols at xx.
What about the other way around? If your DH doesn't like YY, does it mean you can never experience the pleasure to go to YY??

As seen on the thread, there are plenty of ways to solve that particular issue. None of them involves being a martyr and 'going away on your own because there is no other way'. Or avoiding the conversation because you don't want to give him any advantage/another reason to who he is right etc...
And TBH I think yu won't be able to avoid the conversation because he will still need some money to go there. Are you happy for him to spend it so he and the dcs can have a Nice hols? What if there isn't enough for you to go away (with the dcs), for you as a family to go away etc... will you get ressentful (I suspect you will if you aren't already)?
How are you going to approach it as I'm pretty sure any movement from your part to say 'no there isn't enough money, you can't do that' will automatically then be seen as way from you to control him again and stop him from doing what is important for him???? And tbf, I suspect that, on that occasion, he would be right too...

And btw, using sex as a way to get back at your partner is controlling.
And very unhealthy.