Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Being TOLD what the family summer holiday is by DH??

280 replies

Fubbs · 26/01/2017 10:53

On Tuesday evening, DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me.

(Bit of background, we were there two years ago and I didn't enjoy it. Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

I feel like he's decided where the holiday is going to be and I'm just been told about the plan without being asked about it at all. He's discussed holidays with his parents at the weekend as he told me they'll pay the kids' flights so the holidays were decided between them then and I'm the last to know. He has dismissed my suggestions of alternative destinations completely and he seems to feel that if he says no, that's that. He said that as I have a choice whether to go or not, I'm the one being unreasonable but that we can go for a couple of days somewhere I want to go at another time.

Then he's surprised that a night of passion isn't on the cards for him after he's pissed me off and he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so am wondering if IABU?? Where do we go from here?? And what do I say to his parents when they ask if I'm looking forward to the holiday? I don't want to be rude to them but don't want them to think that I'm okay with the situation I find myself in.

Help!!

OP posts:
Allfednonedead · 26/01/2017 11:51

35 degrees sounds like hell. I would never go anywhere expected to go above 30, and would want the range to centre more on 25!
Plus, it does sound awful. Why should the OP suck up a holiday in a place that makes her ill - photosensitive on a sun holiday?

LostSight · 26/01/2017 11:58

If this happened to me, I would book myself a two week holiday with the children at a different time, but obviously that depends whether that is financially possible.

There are many places to go on holiday where 35 degrees would be an occasional anomaly, rather than the norm. I wouldn't choose to go somewhere in summer where it is regularly that hot as I don't like 'beach holidays' and I don't find it pleasant doing other activities in that temperature.

I get the impression that he expects that you will just suck it up. Regardless of whether he feels he has a choice, I would not go along with it on principle. I'd prefer to stay at home than go somewhere I actively disliked. I wouldn't stop the children going, if they enjoy it, but I wouldn't commit to something that might then become a regular expectation.

Olympiathequeen · 26/01/2017 11:59

If he and the kids enjoyed the first holiday even though you didn't it is a bit unreasonable to veto their enjoyment especially since you sound like you were a complete misery.

Maybe let them go and you have a girlie week away with friends then a smaller family holiday later on.

bingolittle · 26/01/2017 12:00

Yes, he's BU and I would imagine this might be symptomatic of wider issues in your marriage.

On the plus side... he will have to do the flights with kids and all the childcare etc 24/7, while you have a nice break on your own.

He and the kids may or may not enjoy that (and if they don't, maybe it'll teach him something). But you can certainly make sure you enjoy that time.

pipsqueak25 · 26/01/2017 12:01

35 degrees in the uk ?? where ??

MissMrsMsXX · 26/01/2017 12:01

This man is your DH?

Jesus.

flamingc1appers · 26/01/2017 12:02

Crisp - London? (hopefully)?

If the OP is saying she won't go anywhere where it is likely to be 35 Or over than that basically rules out most of Europe, bar Scandinavia or Scotland.

Maybe the DH knows this so he's just making plans anyway?

MissVictoria · 26/01/2017 12:03

YANBU to not want to go, no way would i go anywhere 35+ degrees! I can't even handle the one or two days a year we get pushing 28!
It does make a massive difference if he is BU though depending on information your OP hasn't given. Are his parents pushy, are they pressuring him to feel grateful they have offered the holiday home and to pay the kids flights (assuming their offer is only for this destination)? If his parents are likely to act like he's shamed them, been ungrateful etc if he politely says no thank you, i can understand him going along with it, and trying to give you an option of not going. If however his parents are understanding and just being kind and wouldn't take offence to him saying "no thankyou, Fubbs didin't like the heat and lack of food choice so we're going to go somewhere else" then he is being unreasonable and possibly a cheapskate.

TheChosen1 · 26/01/2017 12:03

Do the kids enjoy going there? Do they say the grandparents regularly or is it like their one time a year to see them? If yes, then I think you should go and bear it and speak to him about possibly also having a separate short break somewhere else as well. If you do go then speak to him about next years plans now so you're not going through the same thing next year.

seafoodeatit · 26/01/2017 12:03

Surely UK is ruled out simply because the OP mentions flights and expensive ones at that?

OP without background it's hard to say but he is at the very least being unreasonable, what is his relationship with his parents like? could this be something they're pushing heavily on him and he feels obliged to accept? You are a couple, you're supposed to be a team, one person can't dictate and create hostility just like that, they are YOUR children to, one of you doesn't get to make all the shots.

tinytemper66 · 26/01/2017 12:04

Go somewhere on your own when they are away.... a lovely European city you have always wanted to visit!

Niskayuna · 26/01/2017 12:05

"DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me."

There are servants who are spoken to with more respect than that. Who the hell does he think he is?

Lordamighty · 26/01/2017 12:06

Why not go along with it on the condition that next year you get to choose the family holiday.

SapphireStrange · 26/01/2017 12:06

Well, he is BU obviously; why does he think he gets to control all the family holidays?

There is obviously more to it than just being domineering about holiday plans, but in the short term, fuck him. Book a lovely holiday for yourself.

I have to say though, a holiday with nothing to do but read is my idea of heaven, so I think Y a bit U there. Wink Smile

user1471518295 · 26/01/2017 12:09

Probably will be shot, but providing you have air conditioning, then just suck it up. The rest of the family will be having a good time and surely that is actually more important? Vegetarian food? Make an effort to research restaurants before you go. Do you eat out EVERY meal? Surely not? if you do, then try to make it less about you - maybe have something before you go - eat bread and cheese in the restaurant? Salad? Certainly you will not be having gourmet vegetarian, but there must be somethig that you can chew on?

To noisy - invest in ear plugs. For goodness sake - you are talking about two weeks, not a lifetime!!!

Notwithstanding this, it does seem a bit off for him to agree a holiday without discussing with you. But if I were him and this were your reaction with the I don;t like/ don't want/ too hot/ too boring etc etc then I probably would do the same and hope you don't come.

MagicMojito · 26/01/2017 12:09

OP has not been given a choice at all. Shes been given an ultimatum. Either she goes along with what the "d"h Hmm and his parents have planned (with zero consultation or even consideration for OP) OR she doesnt get to take part in her own family holiday. Hes an absolute shit, as are they!

I know that you cannot stop him taking the kids as they are his too, however i would take an incredibly low veiw of any parent who would do this knowing what its doing to the other parent (either gender of parent fwiw. I certainly wouldnt do it to dh).

Its not even about the holiday, its about a complete lack of thought, consideration and respect for you OP.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 26/01/2017 12:11

This isn't about just you and your husband though is it?

Did your children enjoy going last time? Are they excited about going this time? I think Sanity has a point. It does seem that you are the controlling one. Your parents-in-law have offered to substantially fund a holiday, so - in my opinion - you would be unreasonable to hold them all to ransom with your martyrdom, even if it isn't your idea of a great holiday. I am sure you could find some way of enjoying being away with your children and husband if you put your mind to it.

As you didn't go last year, every second year doesn't seem too demanding or unreasonable.

You also have the option to stay behind, if you really think that is the best chance the rest of your family has to enjoy their holiday.

Misswiggy · 26/01/2017 12:11

Do your kids want to go? I think if the gp's own a holiday home somewhere, are offering to pay for flights and dh and the dc's want to go I personally would put my own feelings aside (I hate mad heat too)
It sounds like your dh is pissed that you've basically said "I'm not going there again" when he and possibly ur dc's think differently. So he's gone in all guns blazing and said "we're going whether you come or not" - he obvs feels like youve backed him into a corner.

buckyou · 26/01/2017 12:12

I think he is being unreasonable but you sound a bit of a pain as well. Surely it can't have been that bad?

If he's that bothered about going you should have the option of an additional family holiday.

scottishdiem · 26/01/2017 12:13

What HelenaGWells and MissVictoria said.

He has not handled this well and given the criteria that the OP has, would probably be best to not bother with the holiday planning in future. My parents had very different ideas for holidays in terms of temperatures, cuisine and attractions and they were a bloody misery when I was a kid as both were grumpy when it was a compromise location and one was unhappy when it was the others favoured type of holiday.

icanteven · 26/01/2017 12:13

I'm sending my DH off on his own to his parents' holiday house in a very similar environment - hot, humid, boring - and add in a MIL who can't stand me and is deeply uncomfortable in my presence. No WAY am I doing that again for a bit, but I wouldn't dream of denying my IL's the pleasure of taking DH and the children.

We still get our own proper summer holiday though - it isn't either/or, thank goodness.

Mrscog · 26/01/2017 12:13

I would just not go but say you want to do a family holiday too - if the only main expense on the trip to his parents is his flight then surely you can afford to do both?

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 26/01/2017 12:14

I agree with Twitter view

How often do your children get to see their Grandparents?

Although Ido have some sympathy, my dh comes from NZ. Every time we see Mil and Fil I have to suppress a pissy voice inside my head that say..."you could have bought a car with that". Such is life when build a family across the world.

user1484317265 · 26/01/2017 12:14

I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice

So who put a gun to his head to force him to plan/book a holiday at his parents holiday home? Is it his mammys idea by any chance?

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 26/01/2017 12:14

TwitterQueen (sorry)

Swipe left for the next trending thread