AIBU - Being TOLD what the family summer holiday is by DH??

[Fubbs]

On Tuesday evening, DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me.

(Bit of background, we were there two years ago and I didn't enjoy it. Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

I feel like he's decided where the holiday is going to be and I'm just been told about the plan without being asked about it at all. He's discussed holidays with his parents at the weekend as he told me they'll pay the kids' flights so the holidays were decided between them then and I'm the last to know. He has dismissed my suggestions of alternative destinations completely and he seems to feel that if he says no, that's that. He said that as I have a choice whether to go or not, I'm the one being unreasonable but that we can go for a couple of days somewhere I want to go at another time.

Then he's surprised that a night of passion isn't on the cards for him after he's pissed me off and he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so am wondering if IABU?? Where do we go from here?? And what do I say to his parents when they ask if I'm looking forward to the holiday? I don't want to be rude to them but don't want them to think that I'm okay with the situation I find myself in.

Help!!

FFS. The OP is not withholding sex to get back at her partner or control him.

SHE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE HAVING SEX WITH HIM BECAUSE HE'S BEING AN ARSEHOLE.

Why some people thing that sex is some kind of "right" I don't know. It's usually an expression of love and if one or both partners is not being loving then why would they feel like having it?!

*think

Why don't you go at Easter instead of summer? There are two weeks of holiday then and it would probably be pleasant at the beach then, or right at the end of the school holidays, August into early September.

FFS. The OP is not withholding sex to get back at her partner or control him.

Couldn't agree more! Well said

From the OP comments and the way her DH is reacting, there is clearly a pattern where they disagree, she thinks he is a arshole, she doesn't want sex and he sees that as a punishment because it always happen she they have an argument.

So yes, it might well be that she doesn't want sex because he is an arse.
But the message that her DH got was that argument or disagreement = no sex....

So at the very least, thee us massive issue with communication.

I don't understand why it's a problem for him to go on his own? There is nothing nicer as a parent than getting 2 weeks at home without the family! I'd pay for that. Then you go away with husband and boys for a different holiday say one week somewhere you want to go later in the summer. you will be able to afford it as the first holiday is just with his parents anyway so doesn't really count and they are paying the children's flights.

People clearly haven't read the OP's post when she said that her husband doesn't have enough annual leave, and family doesn't have enough money, for him to take the children to Spain for 2 weeks and for the whole family to have a separate holiday too.

The children's flights are only small portion of the cost - there is also the husband's flights plus all meals and activities while they're there.

Yanbu. That's no way to have a relationship and parent children together. I completely get the food thing; I'm veggie and I have really struggled (even in Paris) to eat filling meals. It's hard work.
Can you hire a car to get out & about? Find a restaurant that the kids would love that does a proper veggie option & just go there everyday? I usually find Italian restaurants in France (never been to Spain)are a good option.

The OP said the Inlaws live in the same country as them. This isn't a trip to visit grandparents who live abroad and rarely see the kids. It isn't really about the holiday it's about a marriage where one person thinks they can decide where the sole family holiday is without discussing it as equals

So you bemoan air conditioning and then day it was too hot to sleep? You sound difficult tbh.

I probably gave too much info on why I didn't like the place - I was trying to give all the reasons I don't like it and it is okay to not like places, same for DH. I'd mentioned Brussels as another holiday option to DH as he's been there for work so knows it a bit but he said no to that option and I accepted it.

I am NOT punishing him! I am angry, sad and hurt and that means I'm not particularly favourably inclined towards DH at the moment. I am trying to be wiser about it though and so when he brought the subject up again last night, I calmly said that I'd let him work that one out himself. And he didn't name call, progress on both sides.

As our only family holiday, yes, I would like us all to go somewhere together.

The air conditioning wasn't always enough - I had to have a shower after sweeping the floor one morning with it going full blast and the units were too loud to have on at night. It was like living in an oven for me - shade was hot, breeze was hot, sun was hot. On the plus side, washing dried quickly.

He can use the savings for the holiday, he'll need them and I've got a some wages to come before the summer so I'll hold some of them to spend on myself.

I've decided that if DH goes ahead with HIS plan, so be it and he's got to sort arrangements out himself. If people ask, I'll explain as he's going somewhere I don't want to, I'm staying behind.

Is there money issues?

The thing is, if you're in a partnership, no one gets to make unilateral decisions. There has to be a process of discussion and communication until both parties reach an outcome they can live with. It doesn't matter what that outcome is, as long as both consent to it.

Choosing unilaterally to go on holiday somewhere with the dc and frame you going or not as a choice is simply laughable if not barking mad.

And as for the sex, doesn't it arise out of two people feeling loving and warm towards each other and wanting to have sex? (Lusty stuff aside).

What is the idea of one person "asking" for sex and telling the other they are "controlling to refuse?" Again, it's plain barking and very unpleasant. Where is the respect and love in that?

What a horrible situation.

'Withholding sex' shouldn't be allowed to be written. Women don't 'withhold sex', they just don't want to have fucking sex. Jesus Christ.

Anyway, there's a snowball's chance in hell dh would take my children on holiday without me, therefore holidays are mutually agreed. Fwiw, I'm going to visit inlaws abroad this year. Compromise is that we stay in an apartment nearby and not with them.

I'd rather go somewhere else but we don't go every year. Last time was 6 years ago.

I don't have advice but wanted to say that you have every right to be angry. Your dh's behaviour deserves anger. And disappointment. And actually, perhaps your feelings towards him will change because he is being such a dick.

It's not a choice it's an ultimatum really and he's being a prize dick with the sex comment.

35'c is really hot for me and would only choose to go to somewhere that will be that hot if I know I have things to do and enjoy there even if I will be sleeping 2-3hrs in the middle of the day to cope.

The only compromise would be to go when it's a season not that hot.

Iv been somewhere where it was 42 at its hottest, there were things to do but being hot and exhausted doesn't allow you to enjoy it and I can't imagine how dc could cope with it.

Paren't can and do holiday separately with their kids but not when it's presented the way your dp has.

Don't go if you don't want to op and hopefully find a middle ground for your own family holiday/time spent somewhere.

I think when you go somewhere hot you need to plan accordingly.

Get up early when it's cooler to go for a walk or the beach. Then out again in the evening.

Spend the hotter day hours inside somewhere - have a drive out somewhere (car aircin), find an indoor attraction or two, spend time in the villa with sitcom and fans reading or playing games, having a drink and a chat. If no pool buy a cheaper paddling pool for the garden for the kids to play in. Younger children can be encouraged to have a rest and nap in the day so you can go out later in the evenings.

Check out eateries in advance. There just be some options even if you have to drive a bit.

Go to a bigger supermarket and buy supplies in - if no oven can you not get disposable BBQs?

35 is hot and many many people find it stifling. But it is manageable if you amend be your days accordingly. We went to Vegas as part of our holiday this summer - was 50 degrees! We went to the pool at 6am and went out again other places later evening (though it was still high 30s at night time)
We live in Yorkshire - it is never 35 degrees here!!!

I live in Qld where temps are often over 30 degrees. 35 degrees is unpleasant even when we are used to it. I am struggling to think of anywhere in the UK where 35 degrees day after day after day could even be possible.

Once you get up to that temp and if the air con is loud so it's off overnight, everything heats up and does not cool down. 35 degrees is a heatwave here.

He's being an arse.

Sounds like a shit, boring holiday.

I'd be making some lovely plans for yourself while they're all away. These plans could involve catching up with friends, going out, watching multiple box sets, drinking wine and eating whatever you like.

If his ex is friendly with his sister why doesn't she take the dsc in her time and then you still get your family holiday.

Sounds like a shit, boring holiday.

That about sums up how I felt about it! Not an experience I'm willing to go through again.

Nothing wrong with holidaying separately - if that is what they both agree on after a grown up discussion

This really does seem a relationship problem. I really can't believe this is a one off. You say that nothing else flags up after reading the emotional abuse article, but who makes all the decisions normally?

Is it 50/50 normally?
Does he always make big decisions?
Do you get you own your own way normally and he is rebelling a bit and insisting that he gets his own way for once?

I just can't imagine being in your situation really. A healthy relationship involves talking and reaching an agreement together. Even if one gets their own way in the end, at least there has been a conversation and they both acknowledge and appreciate the others point of view. Maybe DH feels this to be the case and the offer of a few days away is the compromise? What does he say about going at a different time of year?

Your problem does seem to be more than this one issue. Are you normally used to getting your own way? Do you dictate to him often and he to you? Is this how your relationship normally operates? Is it a case of he who sticks their heels in longest gets their own way?

DH has been a bit digging his heeels in lately, deciding that we can't get a cat, has to be a dog even if the rest of us are happy with a cat; none of the alternatives for a family holiday are acceptable so it's Spain or nothing; I'm sure he thinks the two days somewhere else is a compromise, I don't agree. He's not a great communicator at the best of times, his dad would have been the "what I say goes and I should only have to say it once" type, although I think his dad has mellowed.

I'm too hurt to talk rationally so am not going to give him the opportunity to feel like the reasonable one until I'm ready for further discussions.

Last year for holidays, we all discussed where to go and picked the house together.

I don't want to go back to the holiday house in Spain at any time of the year, really. I just don't like the place, doesn't appeal to me even if it's not as hot. DH has gone to the holiday house himself before, I've no problem with him doing that, just want us all to have a summer holiday together.

I'm sort of in two minds about this, depending on whether you get another family holiday and how things are between you generally.

I have actually done similar to your DH with my husband recently. Basically it's my dad's 70th and he really wants his grandchildren to celebrate with him in France. My DH really doesn't want to go, and in the end I said I was going to go with children for a few days (as it is important to me and my dad, and we have spent years saying no to my dad about going there) and I'd understand if he didn't want to come, but he was welcome to come as well.

It probably won't be our only holiday this year though there will be an impact on budget (likely to be camping in UK) and annual leave. But sometimes wider family are important, I've spent years saying no and in the end I do want to celebrate my dad's bday and have the children there too. I can't always pander to DH's dislike of his ILs so I did say we were going and he could or not....

I don't know if that helps at all. Maybe I'm a real cow but in my case DH doesn't make things that easy and often refuses to do wider family things. I have ishoos with my ILs too so we are starting to find that solo trips with children to visit our own parents (at least some of the time) makes things less stressful all round.

If your H has said this will be only family holiday because of finances and/or annual leave, I'd say that was more of an issue. And it also depends on how he presented it to you. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to take children to see grandparents abroad on his own, if he and children would enjoy it and you would be ok at home. But only if you also get time all together and it wasn't presented unkindly to you.

I think you need to talk calmly, say that it's his decision if he chooses to go without you, but that obviously you are very upset that he's doing so and he's got to realise that there will be emotional repercussions to this that affect the way you feel about him. That's not you "punishing" him, but a natural consequence of the decision he is unilaterally taking. That you feel unvalued and hurt that he's not taking your feelings into account when there are plenty of other options that you could agree on. Acknowledge that last years holiday, although chosen together, might have been a disappointment to him if he likes hot countries etc but that it is possible to compromise on somewhere abroad warmer (different place/time of year) but that has more things to do/eat that suit you both.

If you are dictating that it has to be in this country, that is as bad as him dictating. In essence just communicate. Use the terms "it makes me feel..." rather than "you do this/that...."

Good luck. Try to keep it calm though.