AIBU - Being TOLD what the family summer holiday is by DH??

[Fubbs]

On Tuesday evening, DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me.

(Bit of background, we were there two years ago and I didn't enjoy it. Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

I feel like he's decided where the holiday is going to be and I'm just been told about the plan without being asked about it at all. He's discussed holidays with his parents at the weekend as he told me they'll pay the kids' flights so the holidays were decided between them then and I'm the last to know. He has dismissed my suggestions of alternative destinations completely and he seems to feel that if he says no, that's that. He said that as I have a choice whether to go or not, I'm the one being unreasonable but that we can go for a couple of days somewhere I want to go at another time.

Then he's surprised that a night of passion isn't on the cards for him after he's pissed me off and he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so am wondering if IABU?? Where do we go from here?? And what do I say to his parents when they ask if I'm looking forward to the holiday? I don't want to be rude to them but don't want them to think that I'm okay with the situation I find myself in.

Help!!

How do you feel about the children having a holiday without you? And if you agree to this then will it mean every year. Why canf it be negotiated ie going a different time of year if it is too hot for you ? Or the destinatiion? Would the inlaws prefer you not to be there ? As surely if they saw it was awful for you last time they wiuld look at a different alternative. My partner wouldnt dream of doing this nor i to to him unless there was absolutely no alternative ie no money for any other holiday together ? I dont think it sounds like a you are controlling the situation he is has has made a big decision without taking your feelings into consideration . How do you think he would react if you booked a holiday to somewhere he would really dislike and not enjoy and you responded with well you can go or not go??

Ha, I just totally misread the OP, and went in full projection mode...I just realised you said it was his parents holiday home. Just disregard everything I said, I'll get my coat.

How on earth are you being unreasonable about not wanting to go somewhere you actively dislike? It's fine for him to go on holiday with the kids and his parents but that should be a decision you make AFTER talking, not a done deal.

How hard is it to understand that some people just can't bear the heat? I can't stand it either. It makes me unwell and lethargic. In most of the UK outside London it is rarely over 30 degrees for any length of time - it's more that the temperature reaches 32 for an hour and a half and then cools down.

I reckon you now have two options:

• he takes the kids for a week and then you all go away for a week together somewhere else.
• you go for a trip to somewhere not too hot like Copenhagen which you couldn't possibly afford for all of you for a week or fortnight.

Good luck OP.

Sounds like a almost free family holiday, you didn't enjoy it last time but this time it may be different.

Your DH knows you didn't enjoy it but is probably hoping that you may chant your mind.

35 is not that warm compared with the rest of the world

What does it mean by 'he has no choice'??
What is his relationship with his parents and are they seeing him/this dcs at any other time?

If they are abroad and this is the one and only time they will see each day other this year, then YABU. Yes he will have been very undiplomatic in his approach but I can see how upset he would be if you said no to any trips to see them. They are his parents and the dcs grand parents.

If they have the opportunity to see each other at other time, and the holiday destination is a hols for everyone, then it's a very different matter...

Fwiw, my parents are abroad and I can only see them once a year (with the dcs). I always go on my own as DH doesn't speak the language and yes is bored if he is coming.
I have always done so and will carry on.
But I have always talked about it. I have always expressed my wish to go back to my parents (when, how etc... so that it doesn't clash with things we might want to do as a family). And DH has never stopped me from doing so.

if the only main expense on the trip to his parents is his flight then surely you can afford to do both?

Why 'surely'? I couldn't afford two lots of flights plus accommodation for another holiday. I'd guess that lots of people can't.

The grandparents are paying for the DC's flights so it's only the DH's flight they have to pay for - surely that leaves budget to do something else. For example if they normally spend 1K on a holiday but the DH is using £300 for his flight on this one that still leaves £700 towards them doing something together.

I think what he means is that by deciding to not go you have in effect taken his choice away

You both sound like you don't want to compromise, he wants to go but last time you went you were so hard wrk you wanted to get flights back early

Stop thinking about you two will the kids enjoy it will they get something out of it and could you pick a better time when it's cooler

Does he only have enough annual leave for this one trip this summer? Or can it be additional... a trip for him and the DC and then a separate family holiday for you all?
Sounds like you'll still have the money for a separate, family trip, since his parents are paying the DC's flights, and accommodation will be free?

Oh dear, I do this my DH.

He doesn't enjoy visiting my parents (abroad) so to let him off the hook, the way I present it is: I am going there for a week in August with the kids, it would be nice if you can join but it's up to you.

Mind, we also do a different family holiday just the 4 of us.

From your OP it sounds like you went in a bit of a sulk last time (not going out, refusing to eat out, staying in your room and reading all day) so your H may even think he's doing you a favour?

I have had friends who think it's odd I book without DH, but DH just doesn't respond well to pressure, so I have the best chance of him coming when I don't actually expect it/pressure him. (Maybe I am the weird one )! He often joins in for at least a few days.

Mind, we also do a different family holiday just the 4 of us

So you don't actually do the same thing then?

Mrsc, you've no idea what their budget is. Is it very hard to understand that different people have different amounts of money?

I agree with sanity . Wouldn't it be better to have fun with your boys and dh cool off in the sea if it's nearby and be happy they are enjoying it, I assume your boys do but your post doesn't mention that. Using ac means you can't get used to the heat so makes it worse but it sounds all about you sitting inside being miserable when you have good weather and your kids to enjoy. Maybe dh is fed up of this, if he treats you like this with all decisions then it's another story and maybe is not a good relationship for you but from what I've read I don't blame him for suggesting it the way he has yabu

sapphire no of course not - there is a chance of course that spending however much on the DH's flight takes them out of budget for any other holiday this year.

However, given that it sounds like they can afford a family holiday with all of them, and that they are only paying for 1 flight for the DH on this trip, it is unlikely that the spend on the flight makes another trip of some sort out of the question.

Is it so very hard to understand proportionality?

I personally wouldn't have a problem with this and would enjoy the time on my own. If his parents are paying for the kid's flights and the accommodation is free then will you have money left for another holiday for all of you?

Have you said no to previous trips like this? Have you suggested an alternative? Maybe a different time of year or venue? What normally happens regards arranging family holidays? Also how often do you and your DH spend time with his parents?

Has he put his foot down and decided that he wants to see his parents or is he bullying?

Sorry but from the description of the last trip to this family home you sound a bit precious and rude, did you spend the whole holiday sitting around with a Cat Bum face or did you interact with your PIL's? your DH family?

Not going for out for dinner smacks of sulking, you could have eaten something? maybe eaten before you went out and then snacked on some bread and cheese/fries etc etc

The heat in summer is hot in most places, it won't be 35 all day will it? Do your DC nap well? if so then Siesta time!

if travelling with DC you wont be bored.

It was that temp here all summer in 76! God it was wonderful.

Why did you hate it so much op? Surely there was a pool or the sea? What do you mean by nothing to do? Didn't you play with the kids? Bored games? Beach games? Can't imagine not going out for the family meal!

YANBU in not wanting to go somewhere that you hate. Your DH has not behaved well by telling you what is happening rather than discussing it with you. He sounds very thoughtless, unkind and completely controlled by his parents.

I would tell DH that you won't be going and you'll be going away for a few days on your own or with a friend while he is away with your DC. Book yourself a nice trip away somewhere that is completely unsuitable for children and that you know DH would hate to go.

Wait, so he's telling you that the family holiday is going to be to his parents' holiday home, he and the dc will be going, you can choose if you go or not and YOU'RE the controlling one?!?

Doesn't matter if the pil are paying for it all or not, or if you could only otherwise afford a couple of days camping in the rain. You're supposed to be in a partnership as equals so he doesn't get to make big decisions like that without even having the decency to talk to you. That goes double for a situation like this where he wants to go to somewhere that he knows you find physically difficult due to the extreme heat and noise and lack of veggie food not to mention boring. So somewhere he knows that you wouldn't ever choose to go on holidays to.

I think you need to match every single controlling type statement he makes with one back that shows that he is being more controlling in demanding that this happens.

I also think that you need to point out that he does have other choices - it's ridiculous for him to say that he has no other choice.

I would also say that if he gets a power of veto then you do too. If it means no holiday then it means no holiday and that's a joint thing. Not your fault, not his, a joint decision (ok, lack of decision) that there was nowhere that you both wanted to go.

Just out of interest approx how old are the boys - and did they enjoy the holiday last time, do you think they will this time a lot/a little, will they think it's the best holiday ever or would they be happier going somewhere new/less hot/with more to do etc?

And I think you need to prepare in advance an answer for the PIL when they ask you - and be completely honest. Just say that you were gutted when DH announced it without having the decency of talking to you beforehand, that you were really looking forward to all going on a family holiday together, he knows that you struggled with the heat etc last time and that his solution is to leave you behind, feels like he's kicking you out of the family rather than wanting to have a family holiday together that you could all enjoy.

I don't think that saying something like that is rude, it's just honest. There's no point lying about being excited at having a holiday at home alone or the prospects of spending the entire time wishing you weren't there.

you can soften it and say that you know they love the place and it's great that it suits them but maybe dh can join them for a short break there at some point rather than it being the not-quite-all-the-family main holiday.

You sound hard work! Nothing to do or see? Well your children and family were there so I'm assuming you could have played with them, gone to the pool, gone to the beach, had a walk?

No vegetarian food? So you sat in or just didn't order anything? So nowhere did bread, salad? Potatoes? Even if it wasn't what you are used to surely you could have made the best of it for a short holiday?

I read seven books- wow! How sociable! When I travel with my family I actually like to spend time with them!

Your husband probably hasn't asked you again because you sound like you made it awfully awkward for everyone last time! It may not be your ideal place but there is always a way to make the best of things.

I've basically done this with my Dh this year. He always turns into a miserable grump on holiday with others. May family wanted to hire somewhere altogether (us, sister and family and parents) we've done it before and love it apart from Dh.

I told him he could come if he wanted, but didn't have to. I'd rather he stayed at home, than came and was a misery.

I agree you sound hard work and ungrateful. Where on earth was this hell hole?

Didn't you spend any time with your kids?

I dint blame him for not consulting you.

Hard work? For not being grateful for being told where to go, what to do? For not being delighted to go somewhere you don't like, where you can't eat properly, with a controlling dickhead?

WTF is wrong with the (presumably) women encouraging this appalling behaviour from a man?

sounds like you were the only one who didnt have a good time, so it makes sense to go without you, or are you expecting noone to use the available holiday home again? You sound a bit of a pain. Whats wrong with using a holiday to relax and read lots? A holiday home is not an attraction park.

Thanks for all the feedback. Will try to cover queries that came up. Sorry if it's a bit disjointed!

ILs live in same country as us. The kids see them if we call out to see them, they only call to the house for the kids' birthday cakes. They are offering to pay for kids flights only, they won't be in the house at the time. Weren't last time anyway.

DH has gone to the holiday house with a friend of his before, he doesn't mind the place. Just isn't for me. I know I sound whingy but I wasn't eating or sleeping properly and was just enduring the time there! Wanted to come back early to leave the others to enjoy themselves. Looked at the flights myself (didn't want to make a drama out of it) but said nothing initially until DH later suggested I should check flights back (I think he was surprised I had already checked).

Kids liked the holiday but found the full two weeks tedious last time. They always enjoy wherever we go on holidays, to be fair to them. I'd mentioned Legoland and the boys were happy with that but that's not a properly holiday, according to DH, so that's out. Last year we just drove west and had a lovely week all together.

The house had no oven so it was easier to go out to eat. We found an Indian restaurant I could eat at but DH didn't want to go there again. There was also one other place in a supermarket food court where we could pick different foods and sit together.

House is in south of Spain - it's near the beach but it was too hot for us to go to it.

Re: me controlling him, DH told me yesteray that if I don't want sex and he does, he has to go without and that's me controlling him. But seeing that I do have a choice about going to Spain, it's not controlling.

I do feel a slight pressure from his parents about the house - I said to them last time we came back that I would never go there in that heat again, rather than the more honest "not for me, thanks". The offer to pay for the flights is very kind, obviously, but does back us into a corner about where to go on holidays. DH is happy in that corner, I'm sure, and I he's plainly not going to say no to them for my benefit.

All I want us to have a family holiday all together, somewhere we will all have a good time. I feel sad that I don't get that this year. And that this is going to come up every single bloody year from now on. I know it's been mentioned that I should go for the sake of the kids but I just found it so bad last time, I just can't face it again.

In the interest of fairness, I realise I'm not painting a great picture of DH, I'm sure his picture of me wouldn't be wonderful either. That's why I haven't discussed it with anyone IRL - saves any blushes!

DH won't have enough holidays from work and we wouldn't have the funds for another proper holiday anyway. So it's this or nothing. We could manage a single holiday somewhere else though as I have some part time work at the moment and I told him I'd happily spend more on a different holiday.

HelenaGWells - your post in particular was very thought provoking. Thank you for the insights from both sides, I know I can't see the wood for the trees where I am at the moment! (I am beyond RUBBISH if I don't get enough sleep (here or there!!)) At the end of the day, I'm hurt that DH decided something with his parents and has presented it to me as a done deal and my input is, at best, not required. And that he's possibly using the boys to pressure me into going as I'm sure he knows I'm going to miss them dreadfully for the two weeks.

Looks like I'm solo this year then. Will try to find a silver lining!

Thanks all!