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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Being TOLD what the family summer holiday is by DH??

280 replies

Fubbs · 26/01/2017 10:53

On Tuesday evening, DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me.

(Bit of background, we were there two years ago and I didn't enjoy it. Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

I feel like he's decided where the holiday is going to be and I'm just been told about the plan without being asked about it at all. He's discussed holidays with his parents at the weekend as he told me they'll pay the kids' flights so the holidays were decided between them then and I'm the last to know. He has dismissed my suggestions of alternative destinations completely and he seems to feel that if he says no, that's that. He said that as I have a choice whether to go or not, I'm the one being unreasonable but that we can go for a couple of days somewhere I want to go at another time.

Then he's surprised that a night of passion isn't on the cards for him after he's pissed me off and he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so am wondering if IABU?? Where do we go from here?? And what do I say to his parents when they ask if I'm looking forward to the holiday? I don't want to be rude to them but don't want them to think that I'm okay with the situation I find myself in.

Help!!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 01/02/2017 16:47

she hates the place in spain, so if she has her way they will never go there again, so hes taking the children by himself. WTF is so wrong with that.
They didnt go last year, he wants to go there this year. Why shouldnt he be able to if hes not forcing her. Jeez

Astro55 · 01/02/2017 17:21

They didnt go last year, he wants to go there this year. Why shouldnt he be able to if hes not forcing her. Jeez

Because it's this not nothing - no discussion -

Roomster101 · 01/02/2017 17:55

she hates the place in spain, so if she has her way they will never go there again, so hes taking the children by himself. WTF is so wrong with that.

It doesn't mean he can never go there as in the future he may be able to go there in addition to a family holiday. At the moment though, they can only have one holiday and where they go should, therefore, be a joint decision, not just his.

dowhatnow · 01/02/2017 18:04

The only really fair way of doing this is splitting the holiday budget in half. He can do whatever he wants, for however long he can afford - as can she. But I guess he won't agree to this. I still think he thinks he can wear her down.

BorrowedHeart · 01/02/2017 18:29

Do posters deliberately not read what the op has said in their original comment? Some of you really go wild at making up your own versions of the story and how abusive the partner is.

Astro55 · 01/02/2017 21:43

Did she cancel the cheque?

Branleuse · 02/02/2017 07:58

there is no real holiday budget for this. The holiday house is free and the parents are paying for the childrens flights, Her dh pays for himself to get to spain which will probably be about £40, and then whatever they eat when theyre there, which doesnt have to be more than what theyd eat at home since its self catering.. Her dh has also offered to take her away for a few days another time.

I think some people are just desperate to see abuse where there is none

NameChange30 · 02/02/2017 08:00

I think some people are just desperate to excuse men's shitty behaviour and accuse women of being a "pain in the arse" for objecting to it.

Biscuit
Branleuse · 02/02/2017 08:01

absolute shitty behaviour yeah, wanting to take your kids on a free holiday ffs

NameChange30 · 02/02/2017 08:57

Wanting to take them on holiday isn't shitty.
Unilaterally deciding and announcing that he's taking them on holiday, using some family money, whether the OP likes it or not, is shitty.

But hey. You can't reason with stupid.

Roomster101 · 02/02/2017 09:00

there is no real holiday budget for this. The holiday house is free and the parents are paying for the childrens flights, Her dh pays for himself to get to spain which will probably be about £40

Seriously??? You obviously haven't got school age children if you think you can get to Spain for £40 during school holiday time. Other holiday expenses are also quite high (days out and meals etc) unless you stay in the whole time which I somehow doubt he intends to do. Accommodation costs are usually only a small proportion of my family holiday costs.

Branleuse · 02/02/2017 09:42

depends where, but its south eastern spain, not some major tourist destination. Obviously on holiday you still have the cost of living, but id hope noone would deny him that as too extravagant

venusinscorpio · 02/02/2017 09:42

I imagine he'll have to hire a car. And doubt he will want to self cater every day. I fly to southern Spain about 5 times a year and it's more like £200 return or more pp in August.

But I think there is compromise possible, which the DH apparently doesn't want to entertain.

Original poster
Fubbs · 02/02/2017 10:14

DH found Spain very cheap - when he was there with his parents during term time. I didn't find it particularly so when all four of us were there and "cheap" as the only selling point of a holiday isn't particularly appealing.

I think it would be unreasonable of me, and a bit odd, to go to Spain for a second time and then decide not to go again so I'd have to keep going; at least this way, I tried the place, found it's not for me and won't be repeating the experience.

I think I was worried that the two weeks here would be dreadful for me but I've making vague plans: might buy myself a new tablet and get free Netflix for a month, foster a cat or dog while they're not here, travel to see my folks who live a couple of hours away, catch up with friends, be a tourist in the place I live for a day.

This really chimed with me:
I still think that you might benefit from playing the long game for now and, without hiding your feelings about his high-handed behaviour, let him take the kids and make plans for yourself. As neither you nor his parents will be there, it will certainly be much harder work as the sole parent than he has bargained for. Let him feel the uncomfortable consequences of his actions, and also potentially notice that he may be taking you for granted.

I'm going to be smart about this and let DH get on with all the arrangements himself. I'm sure his parents don't realise I don't like the place and will probably be very surprised I'm not going. I will explain to them nicely that it's not some place I want to go but DH decided that that is our summer holiday so I'm staying put.

The last big decision we had was new windows - I talked about it with DH, we agreed it needed to be done, I did the research, discussed it with him and then we went ahead. That's how I like to operate. On smaller decisions, for example, DH suggested on Sunday that we go to a shopping centre and eat out and I agreed.

I feel better now I've gotten it clear in my head where I'm going (or not!) and won't be just sitting around missing them when they're gone.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 02/02/2017 10:19

I think youll have a nice break OP. Make the most of it, and if he finds it harder work than expected, then he wont do it again x

Roomster101 · 02/02/2017 10:28

Good idea OP. My guess is that he will back down when he realises you are not going but if not... let him hoist himself with his own petard.

trixymalixy · 02/02/2017 10:35

You were somewhere where there was a Burger King and you couldn't find any vegetarian food?

What a crock of shit.

My parents have a place in the south of Spain that's not big enough to have a Burger King and there is no problem finding vegetarian food.

2014newme · 02/02/2017 10:44

Spanish omelette I could eat for two weeks and be happy

Original poster
Fubbs · 02/02/2017 12:26

I had the chicken salad without chicken in Burger King as there was no non-meat salad otherwise - small bottle of olive oil, lots of leaves and six of those tiny tomatoes. Not a taste sensation.

I think my mistake was listing why I didn't like the holiday to try and explain where I was coming from, should have just said that DH knows I don't like the place and left it at that!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 02/02/2017 12:58

Well, that and posting in AIBU Wink

Original poster
Fubbs · 02/02/2017 13:13

True!!

OP posts:
Giddyaunt18 · 02/02/2017 14:01

YANBU OP. Can't imagine my DH doing that. Would it not be better to go there when cooler? Maybe October holidays or Easter, you might enjoy it more then. I would let him get on with it this time, he will suffer Grin and plan some lovely treats for yourself while they are gone. Hope this isn't what the rest of your marriage is like. Good luck OP.

Astro55 · 02/02/2017 17:57

My DH would struggle - finding passports buying sun cream - packing essentials (teddies - USB plugs etc)

Let him do it all !!

It's all part of the 'holiday' after all

BorrowedHeart · 02/02/2017 18:47

Why does everyone assume he would struggle? My partner does great if I'm away for the night and one of our two has extra care needs.

Iflyaway · 02/02/2017 19:12

I'm with Jax,

Let them go and enjoy a week or two doing your own thing, relaxing, sorting out stuff, etc. Just do what you want.

Bliss.

Every mum needs a holiday too. On her own terms.

Met a lovely German woman in India who "gets" two weeks off every year when her two sons and husband take care of the house etc. Cos they get she needs a break too, from 50 weeks of working and taking care of the house and family. Way to go!!

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