Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude to invite to hen party but not to wedding ceremony?

238 replies

iwannapuppy · 20/01/2017 21:01

So I'm getting married on a tight budget (we have just had a DS) and we can only afford to invite family and 3 friends each to the day part of the wedding. Would it be seen as rude to invite friends to my hen party but then only invite them to the evening reception? I don't to offend anyone, but also think if I don't invite them to the hen party they still might be pissed with me. I get that at any wedding you are bound to upset someone, but I really don't know what the etiquette is.

OP posts:
user1484317265 · 22/01/2017 22:31

Evening only invites are rude anyway, they are for second tier guests who aren't deemed good enough to see the vows (the actual marriage part) but are wanted in the evening to make up numbers at the party venue and to boost the gifts

Isn't it depressing that people are this cynical, and nasty about joyous occasions? Luckily its not that many people, and they mostly hang out here in aibu as they don't have many real life friends (what with deeming most human behaviour to be rude and therefore nobody wanting to invite them to anything)

MEanwhile, to the normal people out there, evening invites are perfectly normal ,and hen nights are for whoever you want them to be for!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/01/2017 22:33

Isn't it depressing that people are this cynical, and nasty about joyous occasions?

I agree. Some people are offended at everything.

user1484317265 · 22/01/2017 22:35

If you can't understand why some people might object to being asked to spend money to celebrate an upcoming the wedding which they're not deemed important enough to invite to then I am very surprised

You are not being "asked to spend money", that is a bizarre way to see things. You are being asked if you'd like a night out with your friends. Going out happens to cost money.
If you weren't so self absorbed that you think its all about you, and that invites are a measure of your own importance and worth, you might be able to remove the stick from your ass for long enough to just have fun with your friends, instead of whining about costs and demanding wedding invites.

sonyaya · 22/01/2017 23:03

user14

Contrary to demanding them, I'm quite happy not to receive wedding invitations. I spent 13 weekends last year at a hen or a wedding. I don't usually like hen dos, I go to support the bride. If I'm not included in the wedding, absolutely fine but please excuse me the hen do. Utterly illogical to say this is making it about me.

Actually hen nights are often not a night out with friends, but with one or two people you know and a bunch of other people you've never met before and will never meet again not even at the wedding.

Perhaps I should just add a load of gratuitous insults like you have because this really makes an argument stronger Hmm.

Iamastonished · 22/01/2017 23:03

What on earth is wrong with people who feel "second best" at not getting a full day invitation? I agree with user1484317265 that they are cynical and nasty, and just hard work.

So if you can't afford a big wedding you can't have a hen do?

Ludicrous. Thank goodness I don't know people like this in real life.

user1484317265 · 22/01/2017 23:07

I don't usually like hen dos, I go to support the bride. If I'm not included in the wedding, absolutely fine but please excuse me the hen do. Utterly illogical to say this is making it about me

Going to a night out that you don't want to while talking about it as "being asked to spend money" is not supportive. If you don't like them, simply don't go, save your precious cash, and relieve the others of having Debbie Downer bringing the mood down.

sonyaya · 22/01/2017 23:21

user14 You just come across as a deeply unpleasant person tbh.

Not to let facts get in the way of your relentless stream of vitriol, the OP asked about the 'etiquette' because she didn't know. Your apparent need to validate yourself by nasty ad hominem attacks on people who disagree with you doesn't answer her question. I haven't slagged her off, I gave my understanding that it's not correct etiquette (based on fuck loads of research I've done into wedding etiquette for my own upcoming wedding) but some people will mind and some won't. Clearly that fairly anodyne opinion has touched a nerve with you; I won't speculate as to why.

user1484317265 · 22/01/2017 23:28

Ah, you're a Bridezilla, explains a lot.

Etiquette is for people who need to be told how to act, and they usually get it wrong. People with brains and class don't need outdated silly rules mainly designed to put people in their place.

Who needs to research whether its ok to ask your friends to have dinner/drinks/party with them? Who needs to tell others that their plans are rude? Honestly, I despair.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/01/2017 23:30

If I'm not included in the wedding, absolutely fine but please excuse me the hen do.

So don't go to the hen do if you aren't invited to the wedding.

If you feel so strongly that going to a hen do entitles you to get something in return then check before you accept the hen do invite.

Never in rl known people feel aggrieved about it tbh.

Iamastonished · 22/01/2017 23:35

But sonyaya et al, what part of "I can't afford o have a big wedding and invite everyone I know to the day and evening do" do you not understand?

Why can't they have a hen do as well, and invite some of the evening do people?

It is often the case that the hen do consists mostly of workmates who are local and quite likely to only be invited to the evening do, whereas many wedding guests will have travelled a long way for the wedding and probably wouldn't be up for a hen do as well.

Would you not be more offended to not get any invitation at all to anything?

user1484317265 · 22/01/2017 23:36

Would you not be more offended to not get any invitation at all to anything

Or more offended to be invited to all of it, because how much would that cost, the cheek of them?!

Some people will get offended in an empty room, there is no pleasing them.

sonyaya · 22/01/2017 23:48

piglet

That's fine to say decline, and sometimes I have, but it sometimes causes offence to do so. You must have seen that from all the threads on mumsnet about hens, including the one at the moment which someone can't afford? People do feel pressure to go if invited, and plenty of brides get the huff if people decline, which is ridiculous but it's the way it is.
I don't get "aggrieved" "offended" or fall out with anyone, I just prefer going on hens when I'm going to the wedding, as do a lot of other people if you've read the thread. I don't see why people are apparently aggrieved and offended by that.

user

If you don't like etiquette, then take it up with the OP who specifically asked about it.

If you don't like people commenting on if OP's plans are rude, take it up with OP who asked "Would it be seen as rude to invite friends to my hen party but then only invite them to the evening reception"?

user1484317265 · 22/01/2017 23:52

I just prefer going on hens when I'm going to the wedding

is not quite the same sentiment as
If you can't understand why some people might object to being asked to spend money to celebrate an upcoming the wedding which they're not deemed important enough to invite to then I am very surprised

Whats that sound? Ah, its your furious backpedalling!

sonyaya · 22/01/2017 23:53

iamastonished

I said this: I also think that because OP is having a modest hen do and practically no one to her wedding the fine. so not sure why you're accusing me of not understanding that she can't afford a big wedding. I said in her case people are less likely to mind than with a bigger wedding.

I don't really get offended by not being invited to things at all, nor am I offended to be invited to a hen do or an evening reception, so no I wouldn't be "more offended not to be invited to anything at all".

sonyaya · 22/01/2017 23:57

user re-read the sentence where you'll see I said "some people". There are some great online dictionaries if that would help you understand the meaning of these words. This entire thread has been in answer to a question about how people generally are likely react - go and read the OP, it may help you.

But argue away with the straw men.

MommaGee · 23/01/2017 00:03

Evening only invites are rude anyway, they are for second tier guests who aren't deemed good enough to see the vows (the actual marriage part) but are wanted in the evening to make up numbers at the party venue and to boost the gifts.

It isn't about worth though. If you think your worth is based on how much money people can afford to spedn on you fine, but its usually about space and money. In my family cousins all get invited to evening do only as there's lots of us, all with partners and children and we all get how expensive weddings are. I wouldn't expect my cousin to have a wedding in a cheap hall with a finger buffet cos that's the only waby to acocmodate 300 people she knows and likes! Its about celebrating their wedding and if it that's just the party at the end where i get fee and eat cake, cool. I don't sit there and feel unworthy, mentally calculating the value of food I've eaten vs the toaster I've bought off their list.

sonyaya · 23/01/2017 00:09

mommagee Yeah I've never known anyone in real life be upset by an evening invitation (as opposed to no invitation at all). I'm not having evening only guests but I've had a great time at some evening dos, though I'm less likely to travel a long way for them.

Caterina99 · 23/01/2017 00:10

Not rude in your situation. I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest.

My close friend had a tiny wedding. Family and a couple of friends only. For whatever reason I don't know - the money or she just wanted a small wedding. She had a big evening do to which lots of people were invited to. She had a hen do and none of us were offended that we weren't invited to the tiny day part.

Bit different if it's a huge wedding and you're just excluding a couple of people, or the hen do is a week in Ibiza! Your situation is fine as the largest part of your wedding is the evening do.

Iamastonished · 23/01/2017 00:18

"It isn't about worth though. If you think your worth is based on how much money people can afford to spend on you fine, but its usually about space and money"

That's it exactly. MommaGee You have put into words what I have been trying to say, but failing.

sonyaya · 23/01/2017 00:23

Bit different if it's a huge wedding and you're just excluding a couple of people, or the hen do is a week in Ibiza!

It happened to me once where the hen was a weekend in dublin (costing £500). 4 of us turned out to be evening only to a wedding of 150 people. I don't know what the wedding cost but it was lavish and I do know the honeymoon alone was £16,000(!) I did think this was rude and I totally stand by that, but it is different with this OP's situation.

MommaGee · 23/01/2017 00:26

Tbf Sonaya think I'd be a bit miffed too! There honeymoon was more than my wedding budget including honeymoon!!

avamiah · 23/01/2017 00:43

Well I have been to many weddings over the years( day and evening ) and to be perfectly honest I'd rather just turn up for the evening.
Some people love going to weddings and plan their outfit and hat etc for months, but I'd rather turn up for the evening event.
Less stress .

SheldonCRules · 23/01/2017 07:19

It's not about the money spent on guests, the church or registry office costs the same regardless of number of guests. I see little point in attending a wedding if the couple don't invite you to the actual vows, may seem to have forgotten that's the most important part of the day.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/01/2017 07:59

I see little point in attending a wedding if the couple don't invite you to the actual vows

You don't usually have to be invited to 'the vows' especially if it is in a church.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/01/2017 08:03

I just prefer going on hens when I'm going to the wedding, as do a lot of other people if you've read the thread. I don't see why people are apparently aggrieved and offended by that.

I don't see why people are apparently aggrieved and offended by 'only' being invited to the evening reception.