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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude to invite to hen party but not to wedding ceremony?

238 replies

iwannapuppy · 20/01/2017 21:01

So I'm getting married on a tight budget (we have just had a DS) and we can only afford to invite family and 3 friends each to the day part of the wedding. Would it be seen as rude to invite friends to my hen party but then only invite them to the evening reception? I don't to offend anyone, but also think if I don't invite them to the hen party they still might be pissed with me. I get that at any wedding you are bound to upset someone, but I really don't know what the etiquette is.

OP posts:
Inertia · 22/01/2017 09:56

Some people will consider it to be rude, yes.

If you explain to your guests that finances mean that the wedding will be tiny, they'll understand. However, the hen night should probably be on a similar scale - it would be utterly unreasonable to expect friends to.splash out for hotels, nightclub entries, flights etc. I think people would be happier to do something low-cost and local, e.g. a pub meal out or even a bring a bottle night in at your house, with you getting some buffet food in.

Original poster
iwannapuppy · 22/01/2017 10:29

Im quite amazed at how many people think its preferable to get into debt for your wedding and invite everyone, than risk the possibility of offending someone by asking them to join you in the evening for a party and free buffet. I do appreciate everyone's comments. Thank you.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/01/2017 10:32

Ditto. I think the reception plus separate evening party is horribly rude and A list/B list.

So you think most British weddings 'rude' then Hmm

KoalaDownUnder · 22/01/2017 11:53

Its not like 'get in debt for your wedding' and 'invite fewer people' are the only options, OP.

user1484317265 · 22/01/2017 12:29

It is an etiquette faux pas OP. Anyone invited to a pre wedding event should be invited to the wedding

Bollocks. Etiquette my arse, just people pretending that silly, outdated rules for another kind of people somehow have any meaning or use now.
OP do what you want.

MommaGee · 22/01/2017 12:36

I think the day / evening thing is definitely cultural so understand by the Aussies and Americans find it weird and rude. Traditionally wedding brekafast is sit down meal, speeches, toasts so the formal bit this n there a room change or a break whilst they rearrange the room to the more informal party - music and buffet and dancing.

Its perfectly acceptable in most circles to invite work friends, extended family yo the bit that doesn't cost upwards of £60 per head.

I had 150 to my evening do vs 90 to the day, I couldn't have afforded all the extra meals and I doubt I'd have found anything bi vaguely liked to accommodate 150 seated for a meal on my budget

Boolovessulley · 22/01/2017 12:58

Depends.
I think you should say upfront what it entails and the cost.
Also do not add on hidden extras such as, let's all put in £10 to pay for the brides meal.
Or it's a further £10 for a tee shirt/ sash or whatever.

If you organise it yourself this is less likely to happen.

alltouchedout · 22/01/2017 13:09

I think it's rude and that it would upset many people. Of course it won't upset everyone, but by doing it you risk making friends feel that way. Is it worth it?

MommaGee · 22/01/2017 13:21

I still don't get what's to be offended about. Her friends are being invited to the evening do where they'll be fed and there will be cake, first dance, bouquet toss or whatever else they do.
They're being asked on a night out where their only cost is what they eat and drink.
They're not being told no to the whole wedding, it isn't a week in Ibiza and they're not paying for the bride.

Iamastonished · 22/01/2017 13:31

"I think it's rude and that it would upset many people"

Why? Really! If the OP can only afford to invite a handful of friends to her wedding is she not allowed a hen do then? Really, the offended ones on here are being utterly ridiculous and full of their own self importance.

IMO people who would be offended aren't real friends. Real friends would be happy for their friend getting married and happy to have a celebration evening before the wedding. I would question whether it was worth continuing a friendship with someone so easily offended as it would be such hard work.

BackforGood · 22/01/2017 15:03

Tatlly agree OP - there are always some strange responses on wedding threads on here Grin

user1484317265 · 22/01/2017 15:13

upset many people
As we know from MN, many people are just determined to be upset by everything possible. If you're the kind of eejit is upset and offended by being asked to celebrate with your friends and have fun, there is no helping you and you really don't deserve consideration.

SWOTAnalysis · 22/01/2017 15:28

I think, if you're close enough to say to the hen-invitees what you've said here, it's fine.

MommaGee · 22/01/2017 15:42

iamastonished don't forget she shouldn't actually be hvong a hen anyway cos she has a child now and another pp didn't have one!

Alpanini · 22/01/2017 16:14

Yes, technically it's not the done thing but I did it and it went fine (or no one complained to my face). Only invited 65 people to wedding (in a different part of the UK) and after families that didn't leave many places left so we had another big party in a pub afterwards just for local friends. There were about 6 girls that I couldn't imagine having a hen do without (and who all totally understood that I couldn't invite as many people as I wanted to the 'family' wedding) and it went brilliantly. There may have been a few awkward moments where one hen chatted excitedly about the wedding (until she was distracted) but it was minimal and didn't detract from a lovely, silly and very drunk evening. It does depend what kind of hen you're having though. YWBU if it's one of those pricey weekend in a cottage / going to a spa ones. Fine if a meal out, a load of shots and a club. Good luck and do what feels right for you. Good friends will understand. Weddings are a huge PITA with everyone being overly emotionally invested and suddenly becoming etiquette experts overnight.

Alpanini · 22/01/2017 16:17

Oh, just read that you're inviting them to the evening bit. In no way at all would you ever be considered rude. No normal person could get upset by this. xx

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/01/2017 18:09

I think it's rude and that it would upset many people. Of course it won't upset everyone

Or in fact anyone, if in fact you are happy for the bride and not only attending the hen in order to feel entitled to something in return.

meganorks · 22/01/2017 18:27

I don't think it is at all. Been to quite a few hen do's where I was only invited to the evening. Never thought to be offended. Never met anyone who was offended about weddings at all till I read mumsnet!

MommaGee · 22/01/2017 19:39

I went on a Hen weekend to Barcelona when the bride was jetting off to get married in America without me

sonyaya · 22/01/2017 19:45

If you're the kind of eejit is upset and offended by being asked to celebrate with your friends and have fun, there is no helping you and you really don't deserve consideration.

A bit much. I agree that people on here slag off brides just for fun and I usually will stick up for the bride and groom. I also think that because OP is having a modest hen do and practically no one to her wedding the fine.

But to me, it is very one sided for a bride to be (and I am one) to say "I want you to like me enough to be excited about my wedding and spend money coming on my hen do even though I don't like you enough to invite you to my wedding".

If you can't understand why some people might object to being asked to spend money to celebrate an upcoming the wedding which they're not deemed important enough to invite to then I am very surprised. If you're not bothered then fine, good for you. But to say people are beyond help and not worthy of consideration because they wouldn't like it is a bit ridiculous.

Iamastonished · 22/01/2017 20:28

I disagree sonyaya

hellejuice91 · 22/01/2017 21:37

It isn't rude at all. It is your wedding. You will always make a decision that someone does not like - that's just the why it is. I would speak to the friends and make them aware of the situation.

I think the comments that say 'you're good enough to come to my hen night but not my wedding' are wrong.

You are celebrating the fact you are getting married with them - just in a different way.

I have a friend who is getting married overseas and she literally wants both sets of parents and the siblings. I've been to the hen do, as that was how she was celebrating it with friends.

honeyroar · 22/01/2017 21:56

I disagree Sonyaya too, if a bride can't afford to spend thousands on a big wedding you shouldn't judge them or not want them to give up having a hen do. You budget for what you'd prefer when you've not got tens of thousands to spend. If a gen party is on your list, that's fine. As long as you are polite and honest to your guests they shouldn't take offence. Going to an evening do and a local hen night shouldn't cost a fortune. It's just two nights out with a friend at th end of the day. You don't have to have a new outfit or bring a big present.

SheldonCRules · 22/01/2017 22:18

Evening only invites are rude anyway, they are for second tier guests who aren't deemed good enough to see the vows (the actual marriage part) but are wanted in the evening to make up numbers at the party venue and to boost the gifts.

Sonyaya is right, asking them to spend money on your hen do but not willing to do it in return so they come to the actual wedding sends a very clear message to them.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/01/2017 22:21

Yes it's rude. Hen do's are meant to be for close friends /family who will be at wedding and sometimes nice for those who didn't know anyone to meet before the wedding

You're saying 'you're good enough to come on a night out and celebrate my wedding and spend your money on me ' but not actually good enough to celebrate my wedding and me spend money on you with a meal etc .

Hen do invitees should be full wedding invites.

In your case you are only have a very small wedding so can explain why not here during the day. Assume the 3 friends who are at the wddding are also at your hen do?