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AIBU?

Is it rude to invite to hen party but not to wedding ceremony?

238 replies

iwannapuppy · 20/01/2017 21:01

So I'm getting married on a tight budget (we have just had a DS) and we can only afford to invite family and 3 friends each to the day part of the wedding. Would it be seen as rude to invite friends to my hen party but then only invite them to the evening reception? I don't to offend anyone, but also think if I don't invite them to the hen party they still might be pissed with me. I get that at any wedding you are bound to upset someone, but I really don't know what the etiquette is.

OP posts:

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MommaGee · 21/01/2017 16:47

Yeah cos a meal and dinner out is gonna cover the £1200 OP would need to find to feed them all...

Branleuse · 21/01/2017 16:47

id skip the hen night. Seems a bit weird to have a hen night for people you arent actually inviting. Do you really need one? I didnt have one.

MommaGee · 21/01/2017 16:48

She's inviting them to the evening

YouMeanYouForgotCranberriesToo · 21/01/2017 16:51

I don't think it's rude as your wedding is so small. I would let people know early on the day part is very small and mostly family though so they aren't disappointed when they don't get to go.

Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 16:52

Things must have changed a lot. I got married 31 years ago and back then hen nights were just a pub crawl with your mates, work pals and friends of friends who tagged along if they fancied a night out, it had nothing to do with who was or wasn't coming to the wedding. I went to loads of hen nights where I and several others weren't going to the wedding. It was never considered rude.

Giddyaunt18 · 21/01/2017 17:04

No.

Giddyaunt18 · 21/01/2017 17:07

My hen night was for friends and family. Only my closest friends also came to the wedding day, the rest came to the evening do. There was no expectation otherwise. In fact some of them stood outside the church to see me come out. Some sat at the back of the church, anyone can do this. I've done it myself. If they don't like this, they are not your friends.

Tommy · 21/01/2017 17:13

I invited pretty much every woman I knew to my hen do - to those who I couldn't invite (for financial reasons) I told them so. "I'm afraid we can't invite everyone to the wedding but I would love you to come to my hen do" - no-one was offended and we had a great time at the hen night!

fadingfast · 21/01/2017 17:19

I think that what you are planning sounds perfectly reasonable and I can't imagine why anyone would possibly be offended by it. I think the whole circus around over-elaborate and expensive hen -dos has created the artifice that there is some sort of strict etiquette around them. There really isn't. Have a lovely night out with friends who will be happy to celebrate with you.

RuggerHug · 21/01/2017 17:21

Tbh, yes. You're saying they're good enough to come out and pay for your dinner and drinks all night as you're the bride but they're not worth you spending the day with or you getting them a dinner. That's how I see it, obviously others don't though.

iwannapuppy · 21/01/2017 17:21

Goingtobeawesome - Because the hen party wont cost the £1200 it would cost to invite to the wedding breakfast. Hen party cost would be around £30 - £50 per person. Everyone pays for themselves (including me) and eats/drinks to their own budget.

OP posts:

stumpedifiknow · 21/01/2017 17:24

This would suit me down to the ground tbh. I would much rather just go to the evening do & hen night.

Elledouble · 21/01/2017 17:27

Sounds alright to me. I've been to a few hen nights where I've only been invited to the evening do and thought it was fine.

The one where I wasn't invited to the wedding at all I thought was a bit cheeky but I still went. Because it was my friend. And that was more important.

JaquieFromTheBlock · 21/01/2017 17:39

i dont see it as a problem OP

BackforGood · 21/01/2017 17:39

I'm on MN far too much quite a lot, and yet it still amazes me day after day that anyone can be "offended" so eaily, or consider it "rude" of someone to say ...."We're going for a night out, do you want to join us?"

How..... just how can that be perceived as rude

The professionally offended can just say 'No thanks', and all normal people will say thanks, and check their diary to see if they can make it.

OP I hope you have a lovely time with your friends. All real friends will be totally understanding you can't invite them all to your wedding, yet will enjoy a night out with you to celebrate.

foxyloxy78 · 21/01/2017 17:42

Yes it is rude. But explain it go them so they can understand your rationale.

Beebeeeight · 21/01/2017 17:53

This is my experience:

Got invited to a hen weekend of a not very close friend.
I was expected to pay for a 2 night stay away, including paying towards the cost of the brides room plus all the usual drinks/food.
No freebies were put on for the guests, no taxis, entry tickets nothing.

Fine, I had a fun weekend away and was happy to be included.

Weeks later got an invite to the evening only.

Everyone else at the hen got full day invites.

Had to buy present, outfit, travel etc as usual.

The wedding was cheap as chips boring.

So yes afterwards I did feel pretty taken advantage of and have distanced myself from 'friend'.

who obviously just saw me as a cash cow

dowhatnow · 21/01/2017 17:58

If they get offended when they know it's only a tiny wedding, then you shouldn't worry about them being offended. Any decent person would totally understand when they know the actual numbers being invited to the wedding. If they don't understand then their friendship isn't worth having in the first place. Don't worry about it.

Giddyaunt18 · 21/01/2017 18:14

Got invited to a hen weekend of a not very close friend.

The clue is there, 'not very close friend' so why would you be invited to their wedding day? you don't have to take up an invitation to an expensive hen do, you can decline.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 21/01/2017 18:22

I was invited to a hen do with no wedding invite once. A few of us were. We still mention it to this day and find her quite odd.

WeirdButTrue · 21/01/2017 18:24

iwannaparty you come across as a lovely person, hopefully your friends as as nice as you and will perfectly understand that you can't invite them to your whole day, but will appreciate the evening invite and chance to have a girls night out with you on your hen.

Please don't feel shamed into not organising it because of the professionally offended brigade on here. They're entitled to think an invite to such a hen party is rude, and in a couple of examples given there was some rudeness displayed by brides, but your situation comes across as entirely reasonable & I wish you lots of fun on your hen & for a lovely wedding.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/01/2017 18:24

You're saying they're good enough to come out and pay for your dinner and drinks all night as you're the bride but they're not worth you spending the day with or you getting them a dinner.

Actually I paid for myself for my hen.

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Giddyaunt18 · 21/01/2017 18:26

OP take note of those offended and distance yourself in future. You'll save yourself a lot of hassle in future arrangements and you'll learn who your real friends are.

ZanyMobster · 21/01/2017 18:41

If it is just a meal/night out hen do then I think it's perfectly acceptable to just be invited to the evening reception. A weekend away would be unfair unless they were aware beforehand they weren't an all day guests. I would totally understand if someone explained to me first.

I was invited to one of my oldest friends weekend hen do, it was pretty expensive but I went as we'd been friends since we were 4. I didn't know till after we committed to going that we were only invited to the evening. I was really hurt as there were only 6 people at the weekend away (bride to be, her mum, me, my mum, her maid of honour and her SIL to be). There were more recent friends such as work colleagues etc at the day time so it did feel like a kick in the teeth. She was bridesmaid at my wedding.

MommaGee · 21/01/2017 19:13

No freebies were put on for the guests, no taxis, entry tickets nothing.

Am I missing something? I thought oy on Don't Tell The Bride did guests expect to be paid for!

Fine, I had a fun weekend away and was happy to be included.

Apparently not

Had to buy present, outfit, travel etc as usual.

No. If you're gonna be bitter about not getting a day invite, be busy and refuse to go. Or get a small gift and wear something on your wardrobe.

The wedding was cheap as chips boring.
Then be glad you oy got an evening invite

So yes afterwards I did feel pretty taken advantage of and have distanced myself from 'friend'.
Lucky woman

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