Is it rude to invite to hen party but not to wedding ceremony?

[iwannapuppy]

So I'm getting married on a tight budget (we have just had a DS) and we can only afford to invite family and 3 friends each to the day part of the wedding. Would it be seen as rude to invite friends to my hen party but then only invite them to the evening reception? I don't to offend anyone, but also think if I don't invite them to the hen party they still might be pissed with me. I get that at any wedding you are bound to upset someone, but I really don't know what the etiquette is.

[WhoKn0wsWhereTheTimeG0es]

I think it's fine, I've been to hen dos where I knew I wouldn't be going to the wedding. I'm also fine with being invited to just an evening reception, I'd far rather be invited to those than not at all.

I don't mind being "b list", of course I'm closer to some friends and family than others. I consider it a compliment if I'm invited to any sort of party or celebration.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"
So don't go to the hen do if you aren't invited to the wedding."

These days the hen do is often months before the wedding so you don't know that you're not invited to the wedding reception when you're invited to the hen do.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"
You don't usually have to be invited to 'the vows' especially if it is in a church."

I think I've read that you also have a right to attend if it's anywhere else like a registry office or a hotel because weddings are public events. I suppose the bride and groom might get annoyed if someone they'd actually invited couldn't get a space though.

[craazyperson]

I was invited to a friends hen doo a few years ago, we had to pay £35 each towards the limos and stripper and sash' then £25 each for our meal. A few of us were only invited to the night time part of the wedding, i felt this was rude so i used the £50 that i would have been putting in a card for a night out for myself and didnt attend. It was a big wedding and the bride also had a 'wish list' of things she wanted as gifts i know people do this now but i thought that was quite rude too!

[craazyperson]

I did attend the hen doo though.

[Beebeeeight]

A cheapy hen do then an evening invite is fine.

But expecting guests to pay £200+ for a hen then not giving them a £20 dinner is taking the piss.

[SweetBabyJebus]

Just don't do what a supposed 'close' friend did...
Three of us were very close in uni, they were flatmates, i lived close by and we were together daily. They were with me when I first POS, we were with her when she met her husband to be. You get the picture. Fast forward a couple of years, still close but not geographically, and she is getting married. Friend and i travel from other end of the country on the Friday. I drive 4 hours, friend flies down. Whole weekend planned, two nights in hotel etc etc. A considerable cost to both of us, money was tight at that time, but we both felt she was worth the effort. We go shopping for wedding bits/ favours, help her choose her underwear. It's a lovely weekend. There are 9 or 10 other hens there on the Sat for the 'main' bit whom we've never met. Two of them are the girlfriends of the h2b's friends and not particularly close, they've only known each other a few months. Friend and i have known for ages that bride is getting married in a venue that is tiny. Will literally hold 20 people, including bride groom and priest! So we were under no illusions that we wouldn't be able to attend the ceremony. It was after dinner on the Saturday, that we found out we were not invited to the reception either. Bit shocked at that, as we knew it was going to be in a hotel, big party etc - we'd just been helping her choose favours for 80 odd people! But nothing said, didn't want to ruin her weekend, thought it was probably a money situation, only family etc. THEN we find out every other person there around the table was invited. Just not us two. And she wasn't appologetic about it at all! She actually thanked us for helping her out and tosted us in a little speach, saying we'd be missed on the day Clearly not, love...

Anyway, if you make it clear BEFORE your hen that they're invited to evening do only, i think it's fine, they can make an informed decision about whether they want to attend.

Best wishes for your wedding and beyond!

[Coulddowithanap]

My friend has invited me to her hen weekend (so not just a cheapy one!) She has invited me to the the evening of her wedding. Between her and her future husband they have a massive family so friends are mainly evening guests. I don't feel offended at all.

[MommaGee]

sweetbaby did you ever talk to her about it? Are you still on touch?

[KayTee87]

It wouldn't bother me but I expect that other people will find it rude. It is a bit like saying 'you can come to the part that you pay for yourself however we don't want to pay for you to attend the wedding'
It depends on your friends tbh...

On the fence!

[Gottagetmoving]

No it is not rude.
If it is a small wedding then it is ok to invite people to a hen do and explain that you cannot invite them to the wedding and why.
I have been to several hen dos when I have not been invited to the wedding.
I would presume you only invite friends on the hen do - and real friends, if they are rational adults, will understand. If they don't understand then they are not worth worrying about.

[OrchidaceousRose]

Think it's one of those things that can go either way depending on how it's done.

As in be careful how you go about it, you'll neeed a deft hand to pull it off.

I have been invited to hen dos a couple of times without being invited to the wedding.

The first time it happened, I went along thinking it'd be fine and a nice boozynight out. It was in a local Italian for a meal, followed by drinks and dancing, so I thought it would be a fun Saturday night. Then there was an option for a spa day at a local place the next day to soak out the hangover and I thought that would be fun too do I said I would go along to that.

But the bride proceeded to talk all night with her bridesmaids about arrangements/what everyone needed to wear and do on the day, so the divide between wedding guests and non-wedding guests was a bit obvious and it was all a bit tactless and not much fun.

The bride kept talking about the Louis Vuitton handbag she wanted her bridesmaids/friends/hens to club together to buy her as a "brides gift"(?) and it was clear that all the hens who weren't invited to the wedding were expected to contribute to that as they wouldn't be giving wedding presents.

She, and her bridesmaids, all proceeded to order lobster/fillet steak/champagne off the a large carte whilst everyone else ordered pizza and pasta with house wine off the specials menu. After the orders had been taken, the bride's sister came round to quietly talk to everyone about the fact that the bride shouldn't have to pay as it was her hen do and the bridesmaids shouldn't have to pay as they organised the hen-do and were doing so much to help organise the wedding. So then everyone who had ordered cheaply started frantically ordering cocktails or g&ts from the bar as they realised they were going to get stuck with a big bill anyway, be as well get sloshed.

Not surprisingly, it was a bit of s damp squib and after the meal everyone was skint and needed to get the last bus home made polite excuses about not being able to go on for drinks/dancing. So a few of us ended up back at our house (my flat mate was doing a reading at the wedding and felt sorry for the bride that her gen-night was going to end at 9!).

Loads of people also dropped out of the spa day but by text after we were back home. The brude's suster tried to keep maintaining that everyone should still split the bride's spa day between them- which had been fine with about fifteen people going, but once it was down to half a dozen (on top of paying for the fillet steak and Louis Vuitton handbag) people started getting twitchy about it. My flat mate just point blank said she could no longer afford it after how expensive the meal had been and would have to see if she could borrow money from her boyfriend to be able to go at all. I think she did that more to get the point across as the bride seemed a bit oblivious to the fact that people were dropping out like flies.

So next time I was invited to a hen do but not the wedding, I had been a bit put out y previous experience! Plus it was a weekend away in the bride's home city, so involved train fares, hotel rooms etc. I knew it would end up costing a good few hundred quid so I just politely declined as I couldn't afford it, as did a few other invitees. We all offered to go for a drink locally though, sometime between the wedding and the hen do (we were all work colleagues).

A few weeks later, I did get invited to the wedding, along with a kind of muffled explanation/apology. I knew it was partly down to people who were originally invited declining, but I did notice that all the hen's who declined got invited then, so it kind of worked itself out. Went along, took a nice gift, had a nice time pity the groom turned out to be a controlling arsehole and cheating git soon after.

So I think it really depends how you handle it- low key local hen night and small wedding plus a bit of tact, you'll be fine! Requests for Louis Vuitton handbags and spa days, not so much!

[SweetBabyJebus]

@MommaGee we are still all in touch, though the reationship cooled considerably after that. Other friend also got married earlier that year, and bride was fully involved in all aspects of that. Other friend was much more upset than me, i drove her the four hours back to my house on the Sunday, so she could get a connecting train back to her city, and she cried a lot. We both couldn't believe it had actually happened! But anyway, life moves on. We clearly had been replaced in her affections . It does get very akward if she ever talks about her wedding though. It's like she assumes we were there, and then realises half way through. We think it had something to do with the h2b. They went through a rough patch and we were honest about our feelings about him - she definitely could have done better! But of course, the inevitable happened and they got back together and i think he knew what we thought of him, so vetoed us. Surprised she let him though, we were her closest friends. at least, that's what we thought at the time

[MommaGee]

That's really sad sweet. When she's divorced and lonely, shell be wondering who is left to have her back.
One of the deciding factors re friends and all day vs evening was locality. All my uni friends were invited to all day because they had to travel so far.
I wouldn't be able to resist asking her why if o was in your shoes and think h2b veto is not a reasonable excuse unless you had sex with his Dad whilst his mom was at work kinda level

[MerylPeril]

I've been to lots of hen dos where I've only been a night guest BUT they have been general cheap hen dos (meal/ pub crawl)

However - one of my bestest friends only invited to us to evening do because she picked a venue she couldn't afford

We were then invited to an all day hen do - including expensive 'activities'.
Most of us refused the activities and just went to the meal. She wasn't happy.
We also made up 90% of the hen party and were generally a bit pissed off about it and they (bride and MOH) ignored us mostly - most boring hen do ever.

[Goingtobeawesome]

I wouldn't be upset at getting just an evening do but I'd be disappointed as the marriage ceremony is the bit I want to see. It's the whole point afterall imo.

[Iamastonished]

I'm confused at people going to the hen do in the expectation of getting a wedding invitation. Surely a hen do is just before the wedding isn't it? So the guests at the hen do would know whether they have been invited to the wedding or not.

Or are hen dos months ahead of weddings these days? When I was younger hen and stag dos were usually the week or even the night before a wedding.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"Or are hen dos months ahead of weddings these days?"

Yes. I've mentioned that upthread.

[MommaGee]

I had my hen two months before the wedding as a lot of my hens had to travel and I didn't want to expect them to do two weekends away within the same pay cheque. They had had the invites by then though

[Iamastonished]

Sorry Gwen I missed that. I don't see the point in having a hen do months ahead of the wedding. What if the couple change their mind?

[MommaGee]

Well you go to their wedding and they might change their mind a few years down the line lol

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Wow @sweetbabyjesus - your so called friend really screwed you over :(

Hen do's are imo for close friends /family. To which you would expect an invite to the day

As said earlier in the thread. It's a snub

The b2b expects friends to spend money celebrating her day to be with drinks meals spas etc

Yet she can't manage to spend her budget on her friends for a meal at her wedding

Unless literally couple elope or vvvv small wedding ie 20 people the. All at the hen should be invited to wedding

[Iamastonished]

I think one of the reasons I don't feel it is a snub is that my experience of hen dos is not a typical MN OTT one. Every hen do I have been to was an evening out - a meal and a few drinks, that's all.

I am beginning to understand why women who are expected to fork out hundreds of pounds for hen dos lasting several days, possibly abroad, feel aggrieved at not receiving an invitation to a wedding.

If only more women would stand up to the bridezillas and MOHzillas and say "This has to stop. I can't afford it, I'm not coming" perhaps we would have more sensible hen dos along the aforementioned lines.

[MommaGee]

Just to point out OP is feeding everyone she's inviting to the hen - at the evening do. They dont do evening food and entertainment for free.

I dont get inviting hens who aren't gonna be invited to any of your wedding

[Travella]

I don't think it's rude to invite them but I also don't think it's rude for them to decline - you can't have it all!