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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

524 replies

Ruralbliss · 20/01/2017 16:25

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

OP posts:
winewolfhowls · 20/01/2017 16:29

The grass is always greener

And

Exes are exes for a reason

And

If you play with fire you may well get burned

razmataz · 20/01/2017 16:30

Honestly OP in principle I would have said it was fine but the fact you've described yourself as feeling like a lovestruck teen and are getting excited about the prospect of meeting him - I just wouldn't. It sounds as if you potentially still have feelings for him and I'm not sure this is going to lead anywhere good, particularly as you say you're happily married and I presume, don't want to do anything to change that.

I'd steer clear I think...

atheistmantis · 20/01/2017 16:30

No way...it'll end in tears.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/01/2017 16:32

I think you would be embarking on dangerous territory, you have a happy life now, why would you want to open a can of worms. If I were you, I would keep your happy memories of him filed away in your mind and leave it at that. You say already you can't get him out of your head - what will you do if you see him and feel that connection again? Leave the past in the past and just carry on moving straight ahead, no good will come of it.

SquinkiesRule · 20/01/2017 16:32

What wine said.

This way madness lies.

Magzmarsh · 20/01/2017 16:33

Sounds like a terrible idea and despite your dh being aware of it all I feel very sorry for him, you're clearly infatuated with your ex and sound like you want "something to happen".

ImperialBlether · 20/01/2017 16:33

If it wasn't for the small matter of your husband, I'd be all for this. Doesn't he have a bit of a bemused look on his face?

jelliebelly · 20/01/2017 16:34

Bad idea this will not end well

lizb30 · 20/01/2017 16:34

I think it depends how much you value your husband. If you still have feelings for this man (which you clearly do) it's going to effect your relationship with your husband if you meet up. The feelings will deepen not go away.
It's your call. Just realised it could very well be the beginning of the end if you do.

Topseyt · 20/01/2017 16:35

Never.

If you are happily married and with a happy family unit now do you really want to risk that.

Stay away.

SecondsLeft · 20/01/2017 16:35

I would say to my husband that the ex 'sounds a bit too keen to meet' and so I have decided not to. And I would say to the ex that it was good to hear from them, but as you are happily married you have decided against meeting. The exciteable feelings will go eventually as long as you keep away from contact. If you go ahead, you will be fire fighting soon.

lorelairoryemily · 20/01/2017 16:36

How would you feel if your Dh had written that?

AnyFucker · 20/01/2017 16:36

Don't be a bloody idiot

You have been warned

Sickofthisnow · 20/01/2017 16:38

You're definitely not just up for a coffee, slice of cake and a goodbye are you. You want the drama and something to happen. Your call but I feel sorry for your husband. If a man had written your post they'd be getting torn to shreds for that. Have you told your husband you feel like a love struck teenager?

AnyFucker · 20/01/2017 16:38

If just one person says it is OK you will take that as validation won't you ?

You know this is dodgy or you wouldn't be asking

therealpippi · 20/01/2017 16:39

I was all for saying yes before reading your post.
I'd be happy to meet all of my exes out of curiosity and a catch up but knowing full well that there are exes for a reasons. I'd have no ex to describe in the way you describe yours.

You sound a bit too excited.

Having said that it may be a good idea for the simple reason that he will not be the same boy and nor are you. You may be leaving the meeting remembering why you finished it.

HamletsSister · 20/01/2017 16:40

If you meet with him, your DH and his partner - assuming there is one, or meet with kids in tow, then it is an entirely different thing from a private meeting. We are close friends with a couple of DH's exes. But, the emphasis is on WE and we are also close to their partners.

Fresta · 20/01/2017 16:40

I wouldn't. I would have a long hard think about why you want to. You know he's doing well and he's not dead so have answered your questions already. Are you really as happy with your Dh as you make out?

Pettywoman · 20/01/2017 16:41

Too dangerous. Sounds like he's too attractive to you. What would you gain from it? You'll end up hurt or confused or worse, in love.

VioletRoar · 20/01/2017 16:41

This reads like a film plot.

Imagine your dh was feeling like a giddy teen, ready to meet his "gorgeous" ex. It's just ridiculous. This is how you repay your "wonderful" husband? Rather enraging.

Somerville · 20/01/2017 16:42

What do you think your DH would feel about you going if he knew your giddy excitement about it?

There is your answer.

PickledCauliflower · 20/01/2017 16:42

Don't go there.

DeidrePewtey · 20/01/2017 16:42

I think it is a brilliant idea to meet.....

..... if you want to fuck your life up that is......

......suggest you do it and post the fallout in here for all the "I told you so'

mainlywingingit · 20/01/2017 16:43

What are you
Thinking. Stop this right now while you can.
This will be your biggest mistake.

Please think of our children if noone else!

MrsBobDylan · 20/01/2017 16:44

You sound dizzy with infatuation, like you view it as a first date which might go somewhere.

Asides from under very unusual circumstances, I don't believe we let those who are our true loves go. You have enjoyed a happy marriage with your dh. Don't fuck not up now and loose him for a man you let go.