AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

[Ruralbliss]

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

[MuteButtonisOn]

Ffs. This is not OK. You're a grownup, act like one.

[Slimmingsnake]

If you are genuinely wanting to see him as a friend..only see him with yr husband there,and have him bring his wife..have them for dinner,but don't meet him with out your husband...although my advice would be leave well alone...but I get the feeling your not going to take anyone's advice to leave well alone

[Petal02]

OP - don't do it. It would be insane.

[KitKat1985]

If you just wanted to meet up and say hi to someone you used to know then that would be fine. However what comes across strongly in your posts is that you still have feelings for this man. So if you meet him either:

1. He'll be a disappoint to you and won't be the man you remembered.
   
2. He will be the man you remember and this will stir up feelings for him.
   Neither scenario lends yourself to making meeting up a great idea.
   
   Be honest, are you truly happy in your marriage? Or are you bored and looking for some excitement? Because to be honest meeting an ex isn't something people in happy marriages tend to do.

[MarmiteDoesYouGood]

Show your DH this thread and see if he's still fine with you meeting the guy.

[SuperPug]

It does come across as immature, IMO. Perhaps some natural curiousity is fine but you are looking at it through rose tinted glasses- you obviously went through some awful things together but there's a reason why you're not together.
Perhaps you look at counseling with your husband rather than exploring this?
It sounds like you never really got over him but you really need to address this if you value the happiness of your family.

[Serialweightwatcher]

If your DH had searched for an old flame for years, how happy would you be? There's your answer - sorry

[RubbishMantra]

What happened 5 - 10 years ago OP, to prompt this search for your ex?

[Haffdonga]

Go and meet him with your dh.

[OptimisticSix]

What on earth are you thinking!!! YABVU

[GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN]

I would, but I would not in any have lovestruck feelings for my ex of 20 years ago.

Affairs don't always happen with intention, they happen with an email, then a meet up, then old pet names (oops you've done that already), then reminiscing and then a glass of wine and you're leaning in for a kiss because it's exciting.... then you wreck your marriage and hurt the man who is the father of your kids and the one who makes you laugh, who you love, beyond all reasonable measure. You kids will hate you and you'll hate yourself even more....

Game over.

[CointreauVersial]

I'd do it. I'd meet the ex. But that's just me.

I'm in a perfectly happy marriage of 20 years but I'm always wondering what a couple of my exes are up to....no desire whatsoever to get back with them, but wish I could catch up, have a drink, reminisce.....One in particular - he was a huge part of my life throughout my early 20s. I know he is married with at least one child - I'd love to see him again.

I did bump into my first serious BF a few years back at a college reunion, and it was wonderful to see him. We had a few drinks and laughs, and talked for hours. Haven't seen him since, nor am I likely to, but it was lovely to find out what he'd been up to.

You've kept DH up to speed. You know the risks. You love your DH and are committed to your marriage.

In my opinion you are more likely to be reminded of the reason you split than the reason you loved him.

[littleoysterslittleoysters]

Why don't you invite him to yours to meet your husband and all have a nice dinner?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I'm out.

You are not looking into yourself at all are you? Just finding reason and reason why it would be ok really, and that you are different from every other fucking idiot who claimed that an affair "just happened". The wrecking 2 marriages and 2 families was unfortunate but you cant help your feelings.....

Do it, dont do it. But have the decency to own it and stop being so fucking pathetic.

[fourkids]

sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, and I'm sure someone else has said this...If your DH had written your OP what would you say/feel/think?

I can't answer for you, or for anyone, else...but I'd be bloody devastated.

[DearMrDilkington]

Your poor husband.

[Aeroflotgirl]

No, as it is clear you have feelings for him, it might not end well.

[eyespydreams]

I swear to God it sounds like the OP is testing out the premise of a chicklit novel a la Jane Fallon/Adele Parks...

[GruochMacAlpin]

The only possible way to do this safely would be to ensure that you brought your DH, and your ex brought his partner (after all he's gorgeous, kind and successful so no doubt he has one) to the first meeting (and every one after this)

And if you write every single communication with a view to showing your DH.

My concern is that you said that taking your DH to the first meeting would be weird. Why is it weird if you are just introducing him to an old friend?

You don't want to just see him as an old friend, otherwise you'd take your DH.

[mainlywingingit]

Interesting that you came onto this forum for advice. If you were 100% you would have discussed with DH and then just met him.

Instead you have some doubt somewhere and you are asking a load of randoms as you know they might see your shred of doubt (which we have).

Affairs are also about excitement which I imagine you are craving slightly (which is natural) but plan a holiday of a lifetime with DH, not this.

[leggydisplay]

I had an ex like yours. Love of my life at the time but we met too young. He messaged me on Facebook after years of no contact. I messaged back. We had a few messages of polite chat about our lives, friends, jobs and families. That was about 3 years ago and I hadn't subsequently thought about him once until reading this. No desire to meet up - none at all of the giddy feelings you mention.

If you go, feeling the way you, it will either lead to crashing disappointment or worse, start an affair. I really really wouldn't. You can catch up in a phone call or via email if you really need to know what he's been doing. But I can't see why you really would be interested beyond the most basic of details.

[hoddtastic]

i like the way that the main thing keeping your knickers up is that your body's sagged and a mess now... :D

you know this is a dicks thing to try and do, so don't.

and as for 'the child you didn't have' come on.. you have 3 with someone else, think about them eh?

[mygorgeousmilo]

If my husband had done all of this with his ex, I would be absolutely heartbroken! I have an ex, we split because it was genuinely impossible to move forward with our relationship, but we both were very sad when we broke up. I DO have some kind of lingering feelings towards him, and mutual friends (far away) often tell me he has asked after me, I act nonchalant about it but am secretly delighted every time I hear that he's thinking of me.... anywho, there's no way on earth I'd deliberately meet up with him, or arrange to see him without my husband being there. My husband is absolutely wonderful and I certainly am spending my life with the right person, he wouldn't deserve the horrible feeling of knowing I'm out somewhere with someone I once was hopelessly in love with. In all honesty, given how madly in love I was with him, I wouldn't trust myself to make contact, and if he contacted me, as he did when I had my first child, I would almost keep it short and sweet. He's an ex for a reason, and again, what would be gained? I have another ex that I was with for longer, but I can see whenever because there is zero emotion there for me, it's just nice to occasionally catch up with him and our mutual friends, as we have many shared memories as a group and it's nice and not at all awkward. My husband is always there on these occasions and as I said, I couldn't have less of a romantic feeling towards him now. Zilch. This whole thing of you using pet names etc is taking the piss a bit, something along the lines of having an 'emotional affair'.

[Magzmarsh]

Knock yourself out op. I think you want your ex to tell you that despite the intervening 25 years of "sagging" you still make his cock twitch and how about it baby? Boak city

[DisneyMillie]

I'm now married to my ex after not speaking for 17 years. But then I wasn't happily married to a great guy when we met.

It's a stupidly big risk - you'll meet and if you get on you'll remember all the good times. Then you'll be all excited as it will be new and interesting and before you know it you'll be having an affair.

Which if that's what you want go for it. But think carefully about the impact on your lovely (your words) husband and children and check you can live with that