AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

[Ruralbliss]

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

[user1484578224]

mid life mini melt down? DON'T

[PotatoWaffleCob]

Don't do it. Stay happily married.

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Also an enormous no.

What "questions" would you really honestly have after your exhaustive online search? You've found out a fair bit on your own. And, as an aside, if he wasn't "doing well," would you still actively seek him out?

I know you're saying you don't think it'll be a big deal, but your tone clearly implies you want something to come of it.

Just don't do it. though you probably will

[Ruralbliss]

Ok. I hear you. I did tell DH that I'd been searching for him for years & told him when I'd found him. He was pleased for me (one less thing).

I don't know what EA is.

Is it really the case that because I'm married and have kids I can't meet up with an old flame just once? I'm really gobsmacked.

I described ex as handsome/gorgeous blah blah because he is/was but so is DH - much more in fact. DH & I are soulmates. Ex and I were kids who mucked along for a couple of years then parted ways. The reason we didn't stay in touch was because the flipping internet had not been invented.

I see far more danger in communicating via email with ex as that can become emotionally charged (I had a few online relationships back in the day and you really do fall for their words before even meeting the real life person) - that would feel more deceptive than a 'by the way I'm meeting up with ex'

I'm excited in the same way that I was thrilled to reconnect with a best friend after 10 years (again no internet hence losing touch) and we are so fond of each other but from afar - meet once a year, occasional texts etc

Is this really so different to getting in touch with an old platonic friend?

[Ruralbliss]

I have about 30 other exes. Could not give a stuff what happened to them

[AnyFucker]

That is the whole point

You are far too interested in this ex

[VioletRoar]

What af said.

Anyway, I'm out too.

Enjoy your date.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I have about 30 other exes. Could not give a stuff what happened to them

So why him?

What is so special about him?

Stop trying to get us to say you should go for it as no one will (well hardly anyone!) and ask yourself why you care so much. Why is it so important to you to meet with him? Why are you at risk of getting into an online affair if there is nothing in this?

You are 40 with kids and life is dull. It was so much more fun back then, and he represents that time in your life doesnt he? So maybe if you "catch up" with him, you will get some of that back right? Wrong.

[FatOldBag]

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. Most affairs don't start because someone wants an affair. Most start as innocent friendships that turn into excited feelings and very slowly turn into something more while you pretend to don't realise what's happening until all of a sudden it's an affair and oh no, who could've foreseen that occurring? Fucking everyone can see it a mile off. Just don't.

[questioningitall]

really really stop and think about how you would feel if your husband was contacting an old flame and had excited love struck feelings. if he read the email exchanges between you too. Not so nice.

be wise, stay away.

[CharlieDimmocksbosoms]

Ea = emotional affair.
this is how you have described each man.
Husband- gorgeous
Ex-smashing gorgeous hardworking extremely kind supportive thoughtful dong well pet names mr gorgeous hunk.

[CharlieDimmocksbosoms]

Oops doing well. But you never know...

[roundaboutthetown]

OP - you are the one who admitted what you were doing felt "risky and a little bit secretive." Don't go pretending, now, that this is no different from meeting up with a long lost female schoolfriend (unless you are bisexual, of course!). Your reaction to finding him again is ott and therefore extremely concerning - as you know well, or you wouldn't have asked the question.

[Ruralbliss]

But we got pregnant and didn't have a baby together. He held my hand while I was grief stricken over my dear friend dying he was great to me then I dumped him so I could take class As and shag as many boys as I could find in my last year of uni. I never once thought 'hmmmm I wonder if I should have stick with X' NO because then I wouldn't have met DH, had all the incredible adventures we've had, spawned our kids.
DH & I are both ADHD whirling chatty dynamos. X is/was a lovely quiet slow person who would be driven bonkers by my incessant chatting. DH & I are the same.

[roundaboutthetown]

And ADHD whirling chatting dynamos can do stupid things when not paying due care and attention...

[AnyFucker]

Are you using this thread simply to talk about your ex ?

[Bibblewanda]

You sound self-obsessed tbh.

[Sunnyshores]

OP youve had 5 pages of people advising you not to do this, yet you still think its OK and its not inviting trouble

[MarmiteDoesYouGood]

I have about 30 other exes. Could not give a stuff what happened to them

This is kind of an important point. It also answers your question:

Is it really the case that because I'm married and have kids I can't meet up with an old flame just once? I'm really gobsmacked

Of course you can. But the way you're describing him, the way you've hunted him down for years, the way you admitted to feeling after he replied to your email, these are not normal responses or behaviours of somebody wanting to meet up platonically with somebody from their past.

[NarcsBegone]

No! Nothing good will come of meeting with someone that makes you feel the way you have described. If you were to say what you have posted on here to your dh how would he feel then? You say it feels secretive that's because it is. If it were me and I valued my dh I wouldn't meet him.

[longdiling]

Riiiight. So now it's just like your best friend. Seriously, go back and read your op. You've done such a quick about-face since then you must have whiplash. Plus it's not about married people not being allowed to be in touch with exes - it's about your feelings towards this ex. Feelings you admitted to in your op!

[Mix56]

You know this will end badly

[Slimmingsnake]

This happened to a friend of mine...her dh found the ex on line for her...she met up with the ex ,dh was happy for this to happen...the ex was married with a kid...fast forward a year...my friend is divorced ,the ex still happily married with his kid..the old feelings for him came back...but his for her didn't...

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

And ADHD whirling chatting dynamos can do stupid things when not paying due care and attention...

^^yup. This.

It does sound like you have some unresolved feelings.

It might be better to talk to your Dh about it, since, as you say, you're soulmates.

[FondantNancy]

Bad idea, OP. But doesn't sound like you're going to take our advice!

I do like what Pyongyang suggested, describing your ex to your DH in exactly the terms you used in your OP, and asking him what he thinks.