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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

524 replies

Ruralbliss · 20/01/2017 16:25

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

OP posts:
Whatthefoxgoingon · 20/01/2017 17:07

Are you completely crazy? Don't. Just don't.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/01/2017 17:08

Listen to yourself.

Look at the words you are using...

smashing ex
ex hunk
wonderful
love struck
All those years spent thinking about him and looking for him

Its all there. You are the biggest walking cliché of an affair waiting to happen.

Meet him sure, but stop trying to justify what this is. Already you are thinking more about him than your husband, you are trying to make excuses as to why it would be ok to meet him. You are having an emotional attachment to someone else and all it will take is one meeting for "we just couldnt help ourselves" or "all the old feelings came flooding back" and BANG! You are in affair central and you will lose that wonderful husband of yours.

But you are going to meet him anyway arent you? So why ask?

DeidrePewtey · 20/01/2017 17:08

Go on do it. Divorce stats in this country could do with a boost

Princesspink999 · 20/01/2017 17:09

I think you probably know the "right" answer!

Sunnysidegold · 20/01/2017 17:09

I think it would be nice to go for a catch up and you've told dh about it so it's not.like you're slinking off to meet this man without him knowing. To me wine bar sounds a bit like a proper date, although that's just me maybe. I do think you have to let us know what happens!

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 20/01/2017 17:09

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

Are you trying to convince yourself of something when you say this? For a good few years I would have said something like this about exP because it was all supposedly fine –but in fact I was just having trouble admitting to myself I didn't really love him.

I'm not saying if there's something like this going on it's therefore OK to start something with your old flame - you'd be better off to focus on the marriage and where you're headed with that, and only pursue old flame if you ended up single.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 20/01/2017 17:10

I think you're being really disrespectful to your husband.

FurryLittleTwerp · 20/01/2017 17:11

I did it & fell in love all over again. It was a disaster.

missmoohoo · 20/01/2017 17:11

fanny gallops I didn't know this word existed. Wow! I definitely know the feeling. I just didn't know there was a word for it.

longdiling · 20/01/2017 17:12

If you do this and it does end up in an affair, for God's sake don't justify it with that age old bollocks of 'we didn't mean this to happen, we just fell in love blah blah blah'. You have deliberately sought this bloke out, made contact and are arranging to meet him even knowing you still carry a torch. You are doing this with your eyes wide open.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 20/01/2017 17:12

No

And you husband really isn't fine with it.

Try seeing it if it was the other way round...

ErnesttheBavarian · 20/01/2017 17:12

Yes, it is that dangerous.

Tbh I think you'd be mad to go. And your posts scream that you are desperate to go.

You'd be mad to do it. You've already created mental torture for yourself over him. This will not end well.

Put him RIGHT OUT of your mind and leave him there, before it's too late.

Doolallylally · 20/01/2017 17:14

Don't do it.

Goingtobeawesome · 20/01/2017 17:16

I met my ex. His wife would not be happy if she knew what he said to me.

We no longer speak.

Be careful.

goadyfuckersgetmygoat · 20/01/2017 17:16

Mn needs those who look for drama. Do it and report back. Grin

ArmySal · 20/01/2017 17:16

Would you be ok with your DH doing the same, OP?

I doubt it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/01/2017 17:17

Here's an idea OP.

Talk again to your DH about it, but dont say "John" or ex or whatever.

Use the same words that you used on here. Describe him "my ex hunk", describe him as smashing, gorgeous. Tell DH how you felt when you got the reply.

Then if he still says go for it, then go for it. But he wont, you know he wont, and you know why too.

RobDykeWatcher · 20/01/2017 17:17

& checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes)

Obv Idk your DH but either you didn't describe this situation in the same words as you have on here, or your DH is a door mat or he is hoping you'll have an affair with your ex as an excuse to get rid of you

diddl · 20/01/2017 17:18

"finally found him online"

How long have you been searching??

Original poster
Ruralbliss · 20/01/2017 17:18

LOL (on a train) at 'fanny gallops'! Never heard that one before.

Thanks GTS i was hoping there would be a few tales like that.

I honestly couldn't give a monkeys if my DH was meeting an ex. I trust him & as a wise woman once said 'She's his ex and in his now'. We don't really do jealousy or secrets as have no need.

I've seen ex's picture and he does look handsome but not in the rock dude way of the 1990s - more executive chic. I don't - I was really pretty but now just saggy wrinkly mid forties. I can't imagine for one moment getting into the sack with anyone who wasn't DH who has gotten older alongside me.

We were kids when we together and I just want to meet the man he became as have spent quarter of a century not knowing.

Before posting I felt sure I could control myself but the plethora of NOs is definitely making me reconsider

What exactly is the risk - G&T goggles, fanny gallops, infatuation, more meetings leading to a full blown affair? Really? I can remember exactly why I finished with him and when I met DH how ohmygodimgoingtodieificantbewithhimforever I was.

I can see why you'd think it was risky but I'd feel annoyed with myself if I didn't meet up with him as would continue to have so many unanswered Qs in my head FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! That sounds like torture & the alternative is a nice evening out reminiscing the back to day-to-day reality with an additional chum added to Fbook friends list.

Still no from you lot?

OP posts:
LovelyBranches · 20/01/2017 17:19

I am in a very unusual situation in that I sit next to the brother of my first ever boyfriend at work. Both brothers are lovely guys and my ex lives in London now, I still live near our old home town.

I enquire about my ex every now and again out of politeness, how's he doing etc and he never was nasty so I would never be anything but polite and nice about him.

If I had even a fraction of the same feelings as you have for your ex then I'd be very wary indeed.

My mother was contacted by an ex who was dying of cancer, I was in my teens at the time and I remember my mother's reaction. I felt very reassured that my mother was completely in love with my father by how appalled she was that he would use his cancer to emotionally manipulate her into seeing him and for what benefit for her and her marriage. My father has since passed away and my mother still talks about the butterflies she felt every time she saw my father. They adored each other.

I'd see this as a wake up call to work on your own marriage.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/01/2017 17:19

I dont think that she was honest at all. "I thought I would email John and see how he is getting on" "Oh ok" is miles away from "I have been looking for years for him online and finally found him! I still think about him alot and how gorgeous and sexy he was. I really regret splitting up with him. Anyway, I am getting in touch with him...." No husband (or wife) would be fine with that!

Valentine2 · 20/01/2017 17:21

You know what you are asking OP. And you knew the answer well before posting here. Verge of an emotional affair already

DeidrePewtey · 20/01/2017 17:21

Please do it. I'll be looking out for the fallout thread

TheCustomaryMethod · 20/01/2017 17:21

Take your DH with you when you meet your ex.

If you don't want to do that, it's an indication that it's a bad idea to go!