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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

524 replies

Ruralbliss · 20/01/2017 16:25

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

OP posts:
LimitedSedition · 20/01/2017 16:44

No.

It'll ruin your life.

lockie1983 · 20/01/2017 16:45

Nostalgia, time, age etc all do funny things to memories.

wine has it spot on.

He will make you feel young and care free ... You might then find your husband makes your life feel safe and repetitive.

You, by admission, have a wonderful life. I personally wouldn't want to be putting any seeds of doubt anywhere amongst that.

AnotherUsedName13 · 20/01/2017 16:50

I am going to go against the flow here and say that I think it might actually be a good idea to meet up with this guy, mostly because I reckon there is no chance he'll live up to whatever nostalgia touched picture you've got of him.

I met up with my childhood sweetheart a while ago. It was nice, but what I mostly discovered is that he's now balding, a bit heavier around the middle and has some very right wing political views I wouldn't have expected. We also have nothing in common any more really. It was fun, but just made me want to go home. Odds are that if you hold off because you think you might be tempted you'll keep idealising him. If you meet him, I reckon the bubble will burst.

Shockers · 20/01/2017 16:51

You're only feeling giddy and lovestruck because you have been taken back 25 years.

You've grown older, your face and body are slightly different, perhaps life isn't as fun and free as it was back then, before responsibility.

Thing is, even if you meet him, you won't be 22 again... you might feel like you are for a while though.

Then you'll do something stupid and your whole world will come crashing down.

If you meet him and this doesn't happen, feel free to come back and tell me I was wrong.

NKFell · 20/01/2017 16:51

Don't do it- this will be a really bad move.

Like PP said as well as many others- wine is right.

Jaxhog · 20/01/2017 16:51

You searched for him and now you have a soppy smile on your face?

This is a really bad idea.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2017 16:52

There you go, op

You got one person who says to go for it

You can go ahead and fuck up your life with a clear conscience now

Peanutandphoenix · 20/01/2017 16:53

If he's that lovely he wouldn't be your ex leave him in the past and move on with your life. Your opening up a massive very old can of worms and it could all end in tears.

Crinkle77 · 20/01/2017 16:54

No no no don't do it. This has disaster written all over it.

WizardOfToss · 20/01/2017 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrssapphirebright · 20/01/2017 16:55

What would be the 'point' of meeting up now? If you had meant to had remained friends then you would've stayed friends after the split.

I had a very similar story with an ex - lovely bloke, fist love, together through our teens / uni, went through bad times / he was my rock etc. Not seen or heard from him since we split 22 years ago. We have mutual friends still so know a little about his life. I often think of him and hope he is well / happy etc and he was a major part of my life and the person i became. But I would ask myself what the 'point' in meeting up now would be if i'm honest? its in the past surely?

SloanyAnne · 20/01/2017 16:56

You'd be an utter fool.
Old flames burn brightest.

Happybunny19 · 20/01/2017 16:57

God no, don't upset your happy life.

VladmirsPoutine · 20/01/2017 16:58

You're coming across as very giddy and already in love with him.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/01/2017 16:59

Ruralbliss, please cancel this meeting, it truly isn't in the best interests of your family, or yourself.
Why on earth, would you even consider jeopardising the wonderful life, you already have.
Somethings are best left to your imagination, it really isn't worth the risk.

ArmySal · 20/01/2017 16:59

After describing yourself as like a love struck teen? Don't be so silly.

Ruralbliss · 20/01/2017 17:01

OMG a unanimous decision from the Mumsnet collective. I'm so surprised - I thought I'd get a few tales of 'yes I met my ex & now stay in touch vaguely via Fbook' but no.
It's obviously far more risky than I'd thought so thank you for your advice. DH and I do have a lovely relationship including giving each other space and time to do our own thing and be our own people - he goes off doing extreme sporty adventure holidays and I am at liberty to do stuff I want to do.
I only said I felt like a giddy teen on receiving the response & how smiley it made me feel all day. I definitely have no desire to get physical with ex hunk (especially with my 40 something bod) but just to revisit our own shared history as we were such good friends during the hard times. Is it realky such an emotional minefield that I can't even see him once for an uber catch-up then ignore any symptoms of infatuation after we've caught up etc? I felt confident that I'd be able to control myself and my emotional reactions and of course put my priorities in my existing life. I'm not looking for an affair but just to reconnect platonically with someone great and yes I can absolutely imagine inviting DH to meet him and his significant other one day but not to the first reunion as that would be odd. Really is it that dangerous?

OP posts:
GTS · 20/01/2017 17:01

Oh for goodness sake, 'think of the children'...lol! Really?!!

What you'll actually more than likely to find is a middle age man with a paunch and a barely concealed bald spot, who you can have a nice glass of wine with and a catch up.

As long as DH is fine with it I don't see the issue at all.

jelliebelly · 20/01/2017 17:02

Yes really

Mari50 · 20/01/2017 17:02

Oh dear. . . .

gettingtherequickly · 20/01/2017 17:03

Yes it is that dangerous, and please don't minimise what you said in our original post.

SleepFreeZone · 20/01/2017 17:04

My sister met her first love again about 8 years ago. He was married and she was in an unhappy long term relationship. They embarked on an affair and are now together and have two children. They aren't happy but have to stay together because they can't afford to separate as the affair led to huge debts in both sides.

My ex tried to meet me again and my DP very wisely said no as he knew we spilt up amicably and I think once you've shared a bed with someone it's always easier to cross that line again. Chat can get flirty very easily and suddenly you get the fanny gallops and anything can happen.

If you are genuinely happy with your life with your husband than I think you're being very very silly.

Anasnake · 20/01/2017 17:05

No no no no, this will all end in tears
How would you feel if your husband was meeting his ex ??
Madness

AnyFucker · 20/01/2017 17:05

Back tracking alert

Magzmarsh · 20/01/2017 17:06

You're not interested in people telling you it's a terrible idea, you just want to justify your decision to meet up with him. Go ahead, it's your funeral op.

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