AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

[Ruralbliss]

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

[lakeg]

Dont do it. Got in touch with somebody who I thought was just a friend only to discover I had always had huge feelings for him.
We met and it was lovely but was heartbroken after

[burntoutmum]

Did you go OP?

[Shockers]

If you are in a mutually trusting relationship and free to do as you wish, what was the point of asking opinions on whether this was a good idea or not? You must have had your own doubts.

My marriage is mutually trusting, but I also don't feel any urge to meet any ex lovers for coffee. The fact that you do doesn't prove your marriage to be any stronger than any other posters, which is what you now appear to be suggesting.

Pointless OP really, if you don't envisage any issues arising from a meet up.

So get your giddy arse down to Costa and roll back the years .

[CaraAspen]

Like you are ever going to find out.
As per.

[mothertruck3r]

Did you meet him yet? If so, how did it go?

[LordPercy]

This thread is bizarre. And it just keeps on giving 🤣

[DebbieDownersGiveItARest]

then maybe that's their problem and they should try to be a bit more reflective on the scope of human emotions instead of always thinking the worst of people

well this is what has been screaming out to me from some posters - all advice is self advice.

however why keep banging on and on about it - for 2-0 pages

[SickNotes]

Dread to think of what might have happened if I hadn't asked MN - I do think you're right the frame of mind I was in and my naivity of the risks plus my unknown MLCrisis may well have resulted in some dreadful situation

But that was the OP in joky, heavily sarcastic mode, wasn't it?

[GahBuggerit]

Thanks Polly, I had no idea what goading meant

And of course you are right re: changing tone, but that's not what I was talking about when referring to goadiness, as you well know.

[PollyPerky]

'Goading' is something that is premeditated to provoke a violent/ aggressive response.

Posters are allowed to change their tone and emphasis within their threads without 'goading'.

[GahBuggerit]

and this:
"This thread has opened my eyes massively to the fact that not all women find themselves in mutually trusting marriages and are not as free to do as they wish as I am. Perhaps this is what incited such goadiness..."

Goady comment followed with a comment about inciting goadiness. Pot calling kettle burnt arse much?

[GahBuggerit]

I think the accusations of goadiness are because of the "gosh how sad some of you cant trust yourselves" type posts, because lets call a spade a spade, that's GF-ery right there, but you all seem intelligent so I'm sure you realise this and are just being GF again.

The first few posts set the tone, and even afterwards OP admitted that she has sense knocked into her and it was all a bit of a MLC cliche with talk of secret rendez-vous and so on, a far cry from the latest posts of "how very dare you all suggest I had anything else in my mind other than adding to my tribe", however about half way through the thread it was like it was another OP had taken over so I think thats also why there have been suspicions of trolling, along with some other things.

Theres plenty of posts regarding people meeting up with exes and no-one bats an eye lid, but throw in words like hunk and, "Before posting I felt sure I could control myself" (strange thing to say for someone not remotely interested in anything other than friendship), " Dread to think of what might have happened if I hadn't asked MN - I do think you're right the frame of mind I was in and my naivity of the risks plus my unknown MLCrisis may well have resulted in some dreadful situation. " - people have rightly pointed out that it doesnt sound so innocent afterall, and have then reacted to the rather goady "It sounds like some of you don't trust yourselves or your DHs and have to keep a tight rein on each other to ensure you don't accidentally fall for other people."

So all in all, meet up with an ex for a brew all fine, no-one actually gives a shite, but don't try and make out that the tone and intention has been consistent throughout because it very clearly hasn't, which I believe is an example of goadiness.

[fleuricle]

the best and worst of MN on here....

[SickNotes]

I've only skimmed the thread after the first ten pages or so, but agree entirely with Polly about the neo-Victorian attitudes, policing of any relationship where the parties' respective genitals mean that sex is a biological possibility, and the suspicion and paranoia. Yes, the OP sounded mildly giddy with nostalgia early on, but I see no indications that her husband is a naive fool to 'let' her see a long-ago ex, that he should go along with a ruler to enforce a chaste distance, that the OP is in denial about her unfulfilling life and unhappy marriage, or that she's liable to accidentally take her knickers off and fall nostalgically onto her ex's cock in mid-reminiscence.

What a bizarre thread.

[Ruralbliss]

I think so Polly

Interesting to see that my DH has been accused of being a fool, a doormat, looking to get rid of me, many people feeling sorry for him etc just because he can see the value in my hooking up with someone who poses no risk to our relationship as it was a thousand years ago and we have had a lifetime of commitment together. People have questioned whether he really does approve/permit my meeting ex one day in person (without DH there!)

This thread has opened my eyes massively to the fact that not all women find themselves in mutually trusting marriages and are not as free to do as they wish as I am. Perhaps this is what incited such goadiness...

[PollyPerky]

The bitching, emotional investment and being critical of the OP says far more about the posters than anything. Some attitudes remind me of Victorian morality where a woman couldn't be trusted to be alone with a man so was always chaperoned, in case either of them became 'carried away' with lust.

It doesn't mean anyone is unhappily married or looking for a fling, or being disloyal, to want a trip down memory lane with someone they once loved. It's quite possible to meet for a coffee or whatever and not run off together or jump into bed. If posters can't empathise with this- or have never experienced it themselves- then maybe that's their problem and they should try to be a bit more reflective on the scope of human emotions instead of always thinking the worst of people.

[Ruralbliss]

Thanks stop, Debbie & Polly for sticking up for me. I've re-read my posts and can't see why I was accused of being goady or bitchy.

It's a sad state of affairs when people looking for advice about a potentially sensitive subject are attacked by strangers about their lives, assumed to be a troll for no good reason.

"Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity...The grave will supply plenty of time for silence" (Christopher Hitchens)

All done on the weekend where woman all over the world were united in solidarity protesting against misogynistic political forces!

As I said in an upstream post there are some v unpleasant characters on this thread who seem to get off on being downright nasty to someone who has never sought them harm.

Interesting to note if nothing else.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I read the OP and first few pages

Correct me if u am wrong but did not OP come back and say she had read advice and was considering and had clearly calmed down ?

So why the abuse

[CaraAspen]

Let her go. I give her my blessing.

[CaraAspen]

"Invested in"?! Most amusing and v v Mumsnet-Speak.

[SuperFlyHigh]

Also this was a 2 year relationship not some life long thing...

And OP admitted she wasn't this stalkerish over her other exes just this one!

[SuperFlyHigh]

Not just me and cara dear debbie.

Of course I was off sick today with head cold so MN had to be caught up with I admit!

Also I love to have the last word... !

[DebbieDownersGiveItARest]

Why super why do you need this nailed>

Its peculiar never have I seen two posters so invested on a thread like this! Yes People get invested on threads like wheelchair users, disability, stuff like that - but really?

A woman got a bit excited because an ex who she really adored - and went through an extremely personal - traumatic time with - got in touch and she got a bit giddy?

Are there posters on the end of the key boards - with feelings? OR robots? You cant help how you feel but acting on those feelings is a different matter and feelings are fluid - they ebb and change - a ten min high from ex email put into the context of a strong and happy marriage is shit all.

If anyone has been overly giddy and stupid here its those two posters.

[DebbieDownersGiveItARest]

polly its quite something isn't it! I cant be bothered to read back but Cara and Super are incredibly invested in this.

Its clear as day - you have been nasty and bitchy to the op and turned what could have been a very different thread into a long bitch fest which MNHQ have had to come onto twice.

I am amazed this is still going tBH, and cant see how the way your framing your comments are in line with sites values of support and help?

You can express concern, give warnings in a kind way.

[SuperFlyHigh]

Google you've nailed it better than I could have ever done!