AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

[Ruralbliss]

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

If it was just a regular meet up with an old friend you wouldn't ask aibu. You've mentioned his physical attractiveness a couple of times so you sound like you're pining after him. You're imagining a restaurant date with waiter service etc.

You're obviously going to do it though, what where you looking for here, really? Justification?

Why would you go see this gorgeous man? You know he's doing well for himself so it's not just a catch up.

This is, in my view, inappropriate and dangerous. The post you've written does sound like a love struck teenager wanting to get back with the ex.

I don't see any good coming from this. Unless of course you're not happy in your marriage and that's why your harping back to yesteryear and the memory of someone attractive and thoughtful.

• what were

Thanks Sunnyside! Much appreciated

Thanks actually to everyone I'm giving this all a lot more serious thought than I would have if I hadn't posted here. You've knocked some sense into me and if we do meet up I'll be very aware of the high risk situation I'm walking into & take measures to ensure no funny business takes place.

x post. can't you email him your questions?

lorelairoryemily - "How would you feel if your Dh had written that?"

Given the language already pointed out by PPs, I echo this.

I'm in contact with an ex and my dear wife is in contact with her ex- in both cases as friends and friends only. There are no romantic feelings being fanned in either case. But for you OP there are romantic feelings being fanned and it would be dangerous for you to meet your ex unless you want to mess about with your apparently happy marriage. You have been warned.

We don't really do jealousy or secrets as have no need.

You've been secretive though, you havent told your husband exactly how this man makes you feel.

I'd feel annoyed with myself if I didn't meet up with him as would continue to have so many unanswered Qs in my head FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! That sounds like torture

What?! What unanswered questions? What he has been doing for the last 25 years? Why is that any of your business and why would it be torture to not know? I dont know what my ex from 25 years ago is doing and I dont care.

On the one hand you say that you dont regret finishing with him and meeting DH but you describe not knowing about his life as torture, describe him as handsome and hunky and get totally infatuated on the basis of one email.

You are not only not being honest with your husband (100% truthful but not honest) you are also not being honest with yourself.

It's not just us that think it's risky, you used that very word in your op. You wrote yourself about possible future emotional trauma if you meet up. Now you're saying he's an ex for a reason and you remember exactly why you finished with him?! One of those posts is bollocks and I suspect it's the latter one.

its a fucking terrible idea

don't do, and if you do, its pretty much an EA from the outset! I say this from reading your email which is peppered with EA-esq terms

anyway, do what you want but don't say we didn't warn you!

take measures to ensure no funny business takes place.

The most reliable measure would be to take your DH along ...

Just no, leave the past in the past.
I'd be gutted if my partner was writing about how excited they were to be meeting an ex.

Stop seeking permission. Do what you want - the posts here are simply telling you what will happen if you do. If you are fine with the potential disastrous outcome, what are you waiting for?

I don't get why you have these unanswered questions and stuff about this ex.....I couldn't care less about any of my exes as I'm so happy with DH. I hope they're happy but I don't feel the need to meet them!

THAT is one of the reasons this is risky - there's clearly too much investment of some kind in this.

Clearly you're going to do it anyway as your posts have moved from asking if it's risky or not to saying you'll make sure nothing happens.
But this is the most dangerous thing I think you could do for your marriage in my opinion. I'd be devastated and mortified if my husband was doing what you are.

There's more to it and pretty much everyone has said that - you don't wana meet up with an ex just to catch up and answer unanswered questions - that's an excuse or naivety

I'm about the same age as you, have been married for about the same amount of time as you have and I also have an ex pretty much the same as you do. He never enters my head and I couldn't give less of a shit how he is or who he's become.

You are totally kidding yourself that your interest in him is normal and completely innocent, you are coming across as a sad mid life crisis in waiting tbh.

We don't really do jealousy or secrets as have no need.

What did he say when you told him you're smiling like a teen over your hunky ex?

No, just no. But you already know this

I met the lad I went out with from the age of 14 to 17 - I was about 50 at the time. OH actually came with me and had no problem with it. I realised what a lucky escape I had had - he was bald and wizened and shared none of my values - phew!!

I can only echo pp. Meeting up with an old flame isn't necessarily a bad thing but the language you're using about him is worrying. You do sound like you have feelings for him.

It reminds me of when (now) dh met up with one of his old flames at the beginning of our relationship. Very similar. She was the cool 90s rock chick, he was still in awe. It was horrific, ended in tears (lots) and nearly broke us up.

Really bad idea op.

Honestly, if your DH posted a thread on here, saying that he had found this thread, I think people would tell him to LTB

I'm going to stick two fingers up to the rest of MN.

If you and your current partner feel confident in your relaitionship, and your past partner feels confident in his, then why not.

It will only get awkward if you start to hide stuff and hold secrets.

Mature adults can do this.

You spent a lot of energy finding him. Happily married people don't do that for no reason.

You're after something...but I'm not sure you even want to admit what.

It would be fine...except the love struck teen feelings. No way, back out now & find out what you want to know over email

Meh, I'm out.

OP you've already made up yoir mind. Think in a weird way this thread is probably adding to the excitement.

Sure it'll all work out for you.