AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

[Ruralbliss]

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

[Itsjustaphase2016]

How do you know he's "someone great"?! You knew him 20 years ago ffs!! As a 22 year old in probably his first relationship! He sounds quite weird if you ask me, using pet names that are 20 years old from a teenage romance.

[AddictedtoLovely]

Meet up but take DH along.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Phase, My exes ex (He was with her for 3 weeks 20 years previous, never had sex) sent him a message saying she had always wanted to make love to him, 3 days after they got in contact. They hadnt even met at that point. People are weird, but that woman did me a favour.

[SuperFlyHigh]

Now now gels, let's not be rotten to poor OP here....

[Nothanksdear]

What did you decide op?

[BorrowedHearts]

I'd say go for it, you know how you feel all these commenters don't. Some are being really rude tbh, you are a grown woman able to make your own grown up decisions so go for it and let us know how it goes, then you can be the one to say I told you so if things go exactly how you see them going.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

No. Don't do it. This is a bad idea. Don't rock the boat. When I was with a former bf I got over excited at the prospect of meeting up with an ex (circa the time Facebook started) and I knew then that this didn't say great things about my relationship. If you're unhappy in some way leave your marriage and then do what you like, but this has got "BIG FAT MESS" written all over it.

[Barefootcontessa84]

Borrowedhearts it was the OP's choice to seek advice from a public forum. She could well have made the decision alone without posting. If she knew how she felt it's unlikely she would be seeking such wide input. She got what she asked for - opinion.

[BorrowedHearts]

Barefoot there is giving advice then there's being rude as fuck, some of the comments have been of the latter. Have an opinion no need to be bitchy.

[SuperFlyHigh]

Borrowed no one has been overly bitchy here in fact I think OP herself called some here names when she didn't get the response she wanted then relayed her DH's opinion of us birds....

[therealpippi]

*No one has been overly bitchy
*
Are you serious?

[CaraAspen]

"BorrowedHearts

Barefoot there is giving advice then there's being rude as fuck, some of the comments have been of the latter. Have an opinion no need to be bitchy."

Rude as what? You are not exactly a paragon of virtue...

[DebbieDownersGiveItARest]

Reminds self to never be giddy or gushy on MN its the worst crime you can commit.

Strange how two posters have sadly hooked into this thread for all they are worth.

Anyone heard of the saying

" all advice is self advice" I would urge the posters who have felt it their duty to stick the knife into op to look a little more inwardly.

I agree its healthy to talk and meet people from your past.

[BorrowedHearts]

Did I claim to be? I honestly don't see anything wrong with meeting an ex, the way I see her giddiness is just a reminder of how she felt and good memories. I don't think having good memories and feelings about someone, necessarily warrants the reaction from posters, accusing her of not being able to control or know her own thoughts as if she's gonna jump on his dick as soon as she sees him.

[BorrowedHearts]

People have been overly bitchy "don't meet him unless you want to get a divorce" what do people can't be friends when they split on good terms because she has a husband?

[SuperFlyHigh]

No one has been bitchy... Unless OP has goaded them. I believe that's what is known as a goady fucker here...

I seriously think in this thread half have read one part or comprehended one part and the other half another.

Debbie "look a little more inwardly", you mean if I were married I'd just embark on starting an affair or romanticise and fantasise about a man I'd dated for 2 years, just cos I was bored innit?! I don't think so....

And I take it you mean me and someone else has hooked onto this thread for all its worth? Again, only because OP was so rude and her DH called us names (fuck me this sounds so playground!) did any of us retaliate? That ok for you is it??!!

[PollyPerky]

This is getting ridiculous.

There have been 2 warnings from MNHQ aimed not at the OP but at the 'goady fuckers' referred to.

The OP is not thinking of having an affair. She got a bit carried away with the nostalgia in her first post but there is no sign that she wants to up sticks and leave for this ex.

I don't know whether some posters have vivid imaginations, watch too many soaps, are bored or what....but the idea that all 'reunions' with old boyfriends equal a torrid affair is just laughable. It IS quite possible to have dinner with an ex and carry on being married with no harm done. I can't believe the narrowness of some posters' lives and experiences if they think this is impossible. Grow up is my advice.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

If you were single or unhappy in your marriage. Id be saying Yes. However If you have such a fairy tale romance then. Why bring back old ghosts. Subconsciouly are you 100% sure you're happy in this marriage

[TondelayaDellaVentamiglia]

some posters have vivid imaginations, watch too many soaps, are bored or what ...from polly

as far as I can see this applies wholly to the OP who as superflyhigh (amongst others) has said seemed more than keen to make further acquaintance with this old flame

It's ENTIRELY due to the language used by the OP that so many posters have warned her off....the OP even admits she has reined it in since reading so so many posts

.
Most of us even with our narrow lives and experiences are more than capable of having both male and female friends from our pasts without making it sound like something out of a Woman's Weekly serial.

[Lake2]

Can't believe your DH agreed to it! That's one seriously trusting man...!

IMO YABU, but if your husband agreed to it then I guess that's different!
Sounds like the start of an affair to me

[PollyPerky]

SuperFlyHigh Tue 24-Jan-17 15:57:21
Polly I've said it before and say it again, don't come on AIBU if you don't like the wrong answers.

Eh?

Sorry but which 'wrong' answers do you mean? Yours?

AIBU is FULL of women wanting to be goady fuckers!

[SuperFlyHigh]

Google you've nailed it better than I could have ever done!