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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop access on a school day?

143 replies

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:31

My ex will only agree to come and take our DD5 on a Monday after school for three hours. He works Tue-Sat, off on a Sun and Mon. I have asked him to come on a Sunday but he said he's tired on a Sunday. I know for a fact that he and his girlfriend have a hectic social life on weekends so being tired is a lie. I feel that he is rejecting our daughter.

He was gone from her life from she was 3 to 4 and a half(his choice). When he asked to start seeing her again, the 3 hour arrangement was a starting point and to build up if he stayed around. It's been over a year now and apart from a very odd sleepover(2) he sticks rigidly to these 3 hours.

Even on school holidays he sticks to Monday, 3 hours. He finishes work on a Saturday and doesn't go back til a Tuesday. Surely one Saturday night a month and one Sunday during the day a month isn't unreasonable to expect? I feel that I want to stop him coming on a Monday. It's too hectic when DD gets back home to then start doing homework when she's too tired to do it. If he seen her sometimes at weekends then we could still do 2 Mondays out of the month.

I'd really appreciate any advice and opinions TIA.

OP posts:
Heirhelp · 18/01/2017 12:34

I see your point about a week day evening being busy but your post is all about you being annoyed for not having her on a Sunday. Why do you don't want him to have her on a Monday?

Original poster
ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:37

Heirhelp...What on earth are you talking about? I'm annoyed that he doesnt want to take our daughter on a Sunday so it would give him more time with her. Why he doesn't want to build on their relationship. She's only 5 and he's already missed a year and a half of her life.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 18/01/2017 12:37

If the ex takes his DD for his fair share of weekends (Saturday night/ Sunday day) then it at least gives the OP a chance at a bit of a social life. I don't think that's unreasonable. Is that a factor?

user1483387154 · 18/01/2017 12:38

I dont see the issue in having access on a Monday after school for 3 hours. If she is 5 then I would have thought it very unusual that she gets homework on a Monday that has to be done by Tuesday. Surely she can just do it another night.

WannaBe · 18/01/2017 12:40

Yabu. It's not about him seeing her it's about her* having a right to a relationship with her father. This doesn't happen on your terms.

MrsHathaway · 18/01/2017 12:40

TBH I don't really see a difference between the Sunday and the Monday at the moment - if it tires her out then she has school the next morning either way.

She won't have homework to do on a particular night for years to come. However it could be an opportunity for her to read her book to him, for example, or go over her spellings, those kind of ACTUAL PARENTING jobs that NRPs can sometimes wriggle out of.

"You see, her teacher has said it's really important for her to read every day and there's just not time once you drop her back. It'll only take ten minutes."

He sounds awfully flaky. Do you think that if you insisted on the Sunday he would stop contact altogether? If so, would that be a good thing?

Original poster
ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:40

As I said already, she has homework and she can't do it until she comes back at half 5ish. She's been on the go from half 7 in the morning and then has to come back tired and start homework. I used to send the homework with him but had to stop because he was forgetting to bring books back etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:43

If she gets homework on a Monday it has to be done for Tuesday morning. I'm not in UK. They have a fair bit of homework from an early age here.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 18/01/2017 12:43

Him taking his child for some weekends is a separate issue from the OP's right to a social life.

The OP said that she wants him to build on his relationship with his DD. That's fair enough but then in the next sentence she's talking about cutting the access he already has because he's not seeing her at the times she thinks he should. A total contradiction.

And as I said above, social life is totally separate, you don't demand your ex have access so you can have a social life, if you want a social life find a babysitter.

MrsHathaway · 18/01/2017 12:43

She's five - what homework (besides reading) does she have that has to be done on Monday night and couldn't be done over the weekend or on Tuesday etc?

MrsHathaway · 18/01/2017 12:45

Cross posted. Forrin. Tsk. Wink

Original poster
ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:47

I don't care about a social life, it would be nice but not top of my list at the moment. I have my partners children here on 2 weekends a month anyway so my child is now questioning why her dad doesn't have her for sleepovers. She cries sometimes that she "didn't get enough time"

But hey,never mind. According to you lot he should have it all his way. Ho hum. Thank you Trifle.

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 18/01/2017 12:48

My dd is 5 and has a week to do homework. Im a teacher and I'd be very surprised if your dd's school were expecting a one day turn around. Get her to do her homework on a different night. Yanbu to want your ex to do more, it's a lot to deal with on your own. You should bring it up with him and try and work something out, particularly in the holidays. You shouldn't stop contact if he wont do as you wish though. The contact is for your dd, not him. He's a dick, but your dd is innocent.

Original poster
ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:49

Hathway. She has writing sheets and maths sheets for homework as well as reading and spellings.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:51

Why are you people not listening to me about the homework. I haven't got it wrong. It needs to be done for the next day. We get a sheet at the beinning of the week with what's to be done for every day. I am not in the UK so it's not the same as your childrens homework!!!!

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 18/01/2017 12:52

Thing is, you stop the Mondays and she may hardly get to see him at all. At the age she is homework should come second to maintaining contact. I totally sympathise with you but you cant make him see her more.

WannaBe · 18/01/2017 12:53

Who said he should have it all his own way? Access is about your DD not about him, or you. It's about the child having a right to a relationship with both parents. In some instances it will happen that that relationship doesn't develop as one would hope it might, but you don't get to cancel the access she does have just because things don't go the way you think they should.

Yes it would be better if he had her for some overnights, but it's not an all or nothing thing. You don't get to dictate those terms, although you could suggest the overnights.

And what country are you in where five year olds are given maths and spelling homework which has to be in the next day? Afaik most countries apart from the UK start the children later not earlier....

Original poster
ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:55

I'm really surprised that none of you have commented on his comment of "I'm tired on a Sunday". Surely that's bang out of order. I don't get to pick and choose my days but apparently 3 hours on a Monday is accetable?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/01/2017 12:56

ThatsPlenty how very sad that a dad should book in HIS own child into his busy schedule as work and social come before his dd, You could not do that as a mum, your work would be planned round your child, so he should be planning work around dd. He does not sound that enthusiastic to see her, if he only sees her for 3 hours a week.

NightWanderer · 18/01/2017 12:56

I get why it's annoying. Monday's are so hectic here trying to get settled into the week. It doesn't matter what we think, if he won't change then there is nothing you can do. We are also abroad and the kids have homework every night. I work late on Mondays so we just do Monday and Tuesdays homework on Tuesday instead. It sucks but what can you do?

Aeroflotgirl · 18/01/2017 12:58

I agree plenty, as a Resident parent, you have to look after your child whatever, when your ill, tired etc, you can't say not now. What a deadbeat dad, he sounds so crap.

DangerousMouse · 18/01/2017 12:59

For what it's worth, my DS has had homework every day, due in the next day from the beginning of reception and now Year 1, its awful! (UK school, not private)

WannaBe · 18/01/2017 12:59

What do you want people to say though? Yes, he should be seeing his dd more regularly. His stating that he's tired is a crap excuse not to. But the thing about ex's is that while we can have opinions on the things they do, say, the way they act, we can't actually change those things so an opinion only serves to cause more bitterness. It benefits nobody.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/01/2017 13:00

Does not sound like he has much of a relationship with his dd, if he only sees her 3 hours a week. Eventually she might cotton onto this, and not want to see him, who knows.

Original poster
ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 13:01

I'm in Ireland. Most people are saying he should have it his way. He has every weekend free but it's okay to not even see her one weekend a month? He also chose to ignore her birthday and went away for the weekend. I was sure he'd make it up to her because he was out of her life for her 3rd and 4th birthday but hey that's probably seen as ok.

OP posts: