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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop access on a school day?

143 replies

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:31

My ex will only agree to come and take our DD5 on a Monday after school for three hours. He works Tue-Sat, off on a Sun and Mon. I have asked him to come on a Sunday but he said he's tired on a Sunday. I know for a fact that he and his girlfriend have a hectic social life on weekends so being tired is a lie. I feel that he is rejecting our daughter.

He was gone from her life from she was 3 to 4 and a half(his choice). When he asked to start seeing her again, the 3 hour arrangement was a starting point and to build up if he stayed around. It's been over a year now and apart from a very odd sleepover(2) he sticks rigidly to these 3 hours.

Even on school holidays he sticks to Monday, 3 hours. He finishes work on a Saturday and doesn't go back til a Tuesday. Surely one Saturday night a month and one Sunday during the day a month isn't unreasonable to expect? I feel that I want to stop him coming on a Monday. It's too hectic when DD gets back home to then start doing homework when she's too tired to do it. If he seen her sometimes at weekends then we could still do 2 Mondays out of the month.

I'd really appreciate any advice and opinions TIA.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 13:24

Annie...she has cried to him. At New Year he cancelled his Monday because he had a night out on the Sunday, told her he'd see her in 10 days and she got upset. She told him she didn't want to wait that long.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/01/2017 13:24

Unfortunately you can't make him take more of an interest in her.

You could stop contact and force him to go to court where you could hope that he demands to have more contact with her.

I think the obvious thing is that he has her Monday overnights or does he leave too early in the morning to either drop her with you or straight at school. At least that way he could do her homework with her and she would feel that she spent more time with him/be more involved.

All of this contact may only be to impress his current partner anyway sadly...

MossytheMouse · 18/01/2017 13:25

I think the op is getting a hard time here. She isn't making it about herself. 5yo are tired after a day at school. Obviously a few hours on a Sunday would suit her better. Why should he get to dictate contact arrangements? All to suit himself and who cares about his dds needs. She is being very reasonable with what she has suggested.

If you were to say to him that you are keeping Sunday (his day off) free for him as Monday doesn't suit, you wouldn't be stopping contact. You would not be offering a time that's impossible for him. He's tired? Boo fucking hoo.
If you offer contact on his day off and he doesn't take it it's on him, not you.

SpermThroughASashWindow · 18/01/2017 13:26

I'm in the UK, and my younger DD has nightly homework.

RebeccaStarr · 18/01/2017 13:27

He sounds beyond useless OP.

I would tell the school she goes to her dads on a Monday and he has not so far done the homework so they are aware.

Assuming he wasn't abusive and you are happy he is a competent parent I would keep trying to push for either 1 overnight a week or 2 a fortnight etc. Could he keep her overnight on the Monday and drop back Tuesday at school / breakfast club/ your house?

I would then either tell him its changing to Sunday as you now have to work on a Sunday or something like that and keep pushing it. If nothing is agreed via mediation or court order could you mention you are going to go down that route to see if it changed his mine even though it couldn't force it he might be more inclined .

It must be really hard

Hopefully he pays the right maintenance for no overnights at least.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 18/01/2017 13:27

Is she okay at school on Tuesdays- not too tired or otherwise out of sorts? If so, I wouldn't stop the access, if only because it will give your ex something to blame you for later ("I wanted to see you but Mummy stopped me").
You'd think he's want to see his child as much as possible, wouldn't you? But I don't think there is much you can do if he's determined to be an arse.
I don't understand why you are being given a hard time here. Yes, lots of parents don't get a break, but in this case one of you gets all the work while the other can only be bothered if their social life/hangover is not affected. I don't know the answer, but you do have my sympathy.

ElsieMc · 18/01/2017 13:27

Your sheer frustration stands out in your posts. Those of us who have court ordered arrangements are duty bound to make the child available for contact, which we have always done, but and it is a big one, the nrp is not ordered to turn up. A sad fact I am afraid.

I see posts like this regularly. My gs has eow contact with his dad but not at his home due to concerns of the court. He stays with a family member who he does not even like. The idea being that he has contact with the wider family. Sometimes they just don't come for him.

Even if your ex had extra contact, what sort of contact would that be? My gs's dad turns up for a day or so during the weekend. Last weekend, my lovely gs wanted his dad to play with him on play station but he said it was too boring and returned to texting. He does not turn up until lunchtimes whilst he sleeps off his hangovers. It does sound like this may be the sort of (extra) contact your dd can look forward to given what you have said about his social life. I feel sorry for your dd and she deserves better but there is little you can do.

MossytheMouse · 18/01/2017 13:27

Ps re court, surely a judge would recognise that he is doing the bare minimum as it is, and the op has offered more contact which he declined? He'd have no business taking her to court.

Atenco · 18/01/2017 13:29

AnnieAnoniMouse

That is a good idea. Though I would ask the teacher rather than tell them.

It sounds like your dd wants more time rather than less with her father and you can't change her father, OP, so talking to the teacher about the homework is your only option for the moment.

mikeyssister · 18/01/2017 13:29

It's shit and the way he's treating your daughter is totally unfair, but you can't change that. Definitely don't send any books to his as otherwise you'll end up buying replacements, that's not fair either but it's probably a fact of life.

Is your DD is in JI? I'd definitely talk to the teacher. You should be able to spread the spellings out over the rest of the week, presuming the test is on a Friday. Maybe do one worksheet a day to make sure over the course of the week that it all gets done.

The most important thing is to get into a routine with the homework so it's not becoming a battleground for you and DD.

Yes it means ex gets a free pass, but that's in your DD best interests. On a side note how's her relationship with his parents and family?

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 13:30

Wannabe...I don't know where you get off in trying to turn my post into me trying to "ship" my child off to her dad's so I can have a social life. I have NOT said anything of the sort. I'm ok with not having a social life. I willingly gave up my social life when I had a child.

OP posts:

nannybeach · 18/01/2017 13:32

Oh, and we moved 100 miles, and didnt give them our address!

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 13:36

Mikeyssister she's in SI so the homework has stepped up a gear since JI. Her relationship is not that great with his family. She didn't even get anything from them for Christmas or Birthday. He takes her to his mothers some Mondays so she does see her Gran.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 13:39

Thank you all(most) for your input. I do appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 18/01/2017 13:40

WannaBe: OP responded in the negative to the question about her social life. It's not about that. However if it was about that, there would be nothing wrong with get wanting her ex to accept his share of weekend care so they could both have some free time, not just him

user1471517057 · 18/01/2017 13:40

Hi, ThatsPlenty.

You are receiving a lot of harsh feedback on this issue and no doubt feel very frustrated at the lack of understanding or sympathy from other posters.

Your situation sucks. Essentially you are stuck with a father who has decided that 3 hours per week with his daughter is plenty and has no interest in curtailing his own social life to play a more active role in her life and do some actual parenting. I can imagine you are pissed off at the fact that he gets to choose 3 hours to spend with your daughter and you have to do it all the rest of the time. Whether you like it or not. It's completely unfair. He essentially got to opt out of having a child when your relationship ended, you didn't.

I bet you love the bones of your girl but she does have two parents and wanting the other one to make some sort of effort/help shoulder the burden of raising her is not unreasonable and does not make you a bad mother. The problem is you wanting him to do it and him choosing to do it are two very different things. No matter how much you want him to be bothered, he isn't. His 3 hours suit him well. He's simply not arsed.

Yes you could take him to court and demand he has additional contact time. In my opinion there are potentially 3 outcomes to this.

he flat out refuses to do it and a Judge does not order him to have more contact so you're in the exact same position you are in now.
He agrees to more contact and arrangements are made and everything goes well. Your daughter has a better relationship with her father and you get a reprieve.In which case, excellent result for all.
He agrees to have more contact in an effort not to look like a deadbeat dad and an Order is made for additional time. He then proceeds to dick you around, changing dates and times or flaking out entirely. The result being more anger, frustration and general upset for you and even more importantly for your daughter as she is openly rejected by her father and you're left to pick up the pieces of the emotional fallout. Right now she is making comments about not getting 'enough time' with dad but that is in my opinion much easier to explain to a child e.g daddy has work etc than trying to explain why Daddy cancelled a whole days contact or overnight because inevitably at her age she will end up believing it's her fault.

Only you can know whether making a court application is worth doing. As you are the one who actually knows him and how he is likely to react in a court setting. Go and see your local solicitor for some guidance on this.

Stopping access on a Monday is not the answer. Recognising that you are aggrieved at the lack of effort made by ex and either taking some action to try and change that OR accepting that he's an arsehole who has no capacity to put his daughter first and living with that are your options..

mrssapphirebright · 18/01/2017 13:41

I can totally see OP's point, but sadly he can't be dictated to. If you stop access to his dc then he can take you to court and will likely get the 3 hours monday slot that he wants.

Of course he should do more and step up, but as others have said, you can't make him.

Whatsername17 · 18/01/2017 13:42

No one is saying his behaviour is OK (I said he is a dick also my comment about the homework was x-posted with yours). You asked if ywbu to stop contact. The answer to that question is yes. How would you explain it to your dd? She already gets upset that she doesn't get enough time with her dad. It's likely to really upset her. She would be the one who suffered. He is a massive arse - how could he not want her more? Totally unreasonable to claim he is tired on a Sunday. My own dh would fight me tooth and nail for daily visits in the same situation. I don't understand his mentality and yanbu to hate the way he is behaving. BUT, your dd has a right see her dad, despite her dad being an arse, so ywbu to stop contact.

KanyeWesticle · 18/01/2017 13:42

Seems to me either you talk to him and come up with a mutual agreement. He's sticking to what you previously agreed, so its up to you to talk to him if you want changes. If you can't agree, your other option is court. There's no good reason to stop monday contact, especially since you want him to see more of her - that just seems vindictive. If your problem with Monday, not Sunday, is truly homework and not your free time, then he'll need to step up and support her homework. Especially if he's going to he spending more time with her, he doesn't get to play disney dad. Send it again, he needs to parent her on Mondays, which includes supporting homework.

TempusEedjit · 18/01/2017 13:43

If you offer contact on his day off and he doesn't take it it's on him, not you

So morally the OP's in the clear as it's all the ex's fault, but where does that leave the poor 5yo little girl who's already missing her dad? Don't get me wrong, the ex is acting like a grade A arsehole, but OP point scoring over the ex isn't going to help the DD.

BantyCustards · 18/01/2017 13:45

YNABU for wishing he'd be a fair co-parent but YABU for wanting to stop contact because he won't be one.

Your child has a right to a relationship with her other parent and if three hours a week is all that's on offer then so be it until she is of the age to vote with her feet.

Scarydinosaurs · 18/01/2017 13:46

Could you put your request in writing? Say that now she's older you think it would be best if he did Sunday and Monday, he can do drop off to school Monday morning and then you can collect and do homework with her Monday night?

Get a response in writing, and then if he turns it down request mediation. The time must be acceptable to both parents. Currently it is all on his terms- it needs to be agreed.

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 13:49

Whatsername17....but I'm not stopping contact. I'm stopping contact on school days(thinking of, probably won't). He has other free time. If he chooses not to come and see her then that's on him. He can still come on Mondays during holidays etc. He runs his girlfriends business with her so their hours are pretty flexible.

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 18/01/2017 13:51

But how will that help your DD?

PurpleMinionMummy · 18/01/2017 13:52

Just don't do the homework. Tell the school she was with her Dad and to contact him if they an issue with it. Is he planning on only seeing her on a monday forever? It is pretty poor. Even every Sunday would be reasonable.

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