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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop access on a school day?

143 replies

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:31

My ex will only agree to come and take our DD5 on a Monday after school for three hours. He works Tue-Sat, off on a Sun and Mon. I have asked him to come on a Sunday but he said he's tired on a Sunday. I know for a fact that he and his girlfriend have a hectic social life on weekends so being tired is a lie. I feel that he is rejecting our daughter.

He was gone from her life from she was 3 to 4 and a half(his choice). When he asked to start seeing her again, the 3 hour arrangement was a starting point and to build up if he stayed around. It's been over a year now and apart from a very odd sleepover(2) he sticks rigidly to these 3 hours.

Even on school holidays he sticks to Monday, 3 hours. He finishes work on a Saturday and doesn't go back til a Tuesday. Surely one Saturday night a month and one Sunday during the day a month isn't unreasonable to expect? I feel that I want to stop him coming on a Monday. It's too hectic when DD gets back home to then start doing homework when she's too tired to do it. If he seen her sometimes at weekends then we could still do 2 Mondays out of the month.

I'd really appreciate any advice and opinions TIA.

OP posts:

mommybunny · 18/01/2017 15:53

OP, the one piece of advice you have gotten that I would ignore is forgetting about the homework on Monday night. I know DD is only 5 and it shouldn't be the case that there is so much homework for such a quick turnaround. But "it is what it is and you are where you are", and just skipping the assigned homework sets a bad precedent. It won't be that long before homework really starts to matter (now that my DD is 9 don't I know it!), and if your DD is in the habit of perceiving some of the homework is "optional" now then that habit may be very difficult to break down the road.

But that doesn't mean you have to stress unduly about it if your Monday arrangements have to stay in place. Have a word with her teacher about the situation, tell her/him that while her dad should be doing her homework with her on Mondays, sometimes little things fall through the cracks and books don't go back in the bag etc. Make clear that the homework is important but if there were some way it could be loaded slightly differently for your DD so you could have more direct supervision over it it would greatly help your situation. If the teacher sees that you care about getting the homework done and improving your DD's learning then he/she should be willing to work with you to make sure her visits with her dad don't have to cause that to suffer.

At the same time, if XH refuses to make any change in the contact arrangements to permit Sundays instead of Mondays, then you are totally within your rights to insist he take a more diligent approach with the homework. It is not just "busy-work" - it's important for her education and she will fall behind if it's not done properly.

Good luck with the contact arrangements. It's a rough situation.

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 16:01

Mommybunny - You're right about the homework, it's not an option to not do it. I even asked him to come half an hour later so we could get homework done and he could drop her back half an hour later... He said no, girlfriend needs the car.

OP posts:

Milkmachine15 · 18/01/2017 16:14

This does my head in!! I would completely stop access on a Monday until he can be responsible and realise that his DD is worth a whole heap more than he's giving! The whole your daughter would lose out thing is rubbish really. No father is better than a crap one. The long term impact this has on her can be horrible, when she's older and has to try and deal with the feelings of not being good enough for her own father to want to spend time with her which it sounds like is already happening.

Evergreen777 · 18/01/2017 16:23

He needs to do the homework with her, and return it. She can't have a meaningful relationship with her dad it it never involves school work, nor a single possession being taken to his house, in case it doesn't come back. If she went overnight on a Saturday, she'd need to take some stuff with her then too wouldn't she, that would need to be returned?

Could you send the homework in a school bag, that DD takes charge of, and remind her to bring it back? She's young, but ought to be capable of putting it back in the bag afterwards. And remind your ex too, or send him back to fetch it or drop it off at school next day if that still fails.

Your ex and DD between them are going to have to get used to returning her possessions as she gets older and life becomes more complicated.

MrsHathaway · 18/01/2017 16:37

I hope the girlfriend is taking note of his behaviour towards his child and is on some cast iron contraception.

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 16:41

Evergreen... I have no problem with things not being returned EXCEPT schoolbooks. We have to buy our school books here, I'm not buying them twice. Clothes, toys etc not a problem.

OP posts:

mickeysminnie · 18/01/2017 16:42

That is rubbish. I would send her with her homework and let him know that if he forgot a book it is up to him to get it back to her in time for school.
If that isn't an option I would just say that Monday afternoon doesn't suit anymore, so he can take her sat evening or Sunday. And see where it goes, if he says he will take you to court, let him!

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 16:43

Mrs Hathway, he didn't see DD for a year and a half when he first met girlfriend... Obviously didn't bother her.

OP posts:

Evergreen777 · 18/01/2017 16:48

Yes, but it will be a problem, for DD if she can't manage to bring things between houses. She'll want her favourite teddy, that she took on the sleepover, or need her toothbrush, or some medicine, or whatever. She has to learn to bring things home from her dad's (and he should be helping her remember, at her age).

She presumably gets told at school to take her stuff home, but the teacher doesn't actually hand the bag over to you - she carries it. She can learn to bring books home from her dad's too.

And if she sees him every week, then you don't need to buy anything left behind, just tell him to take it into school for her, or failing that tell school it will be returned next week, and give them her dad's number if they have a problem with that. My DC have left school books at their dad's from time to time and not had them when they should at school - the teachers are usually fairly understanding about it if it happens just occasionally. I don't think school books are really a high risk item that you can't let out of your sight, in the whole scheme of things.

Evergreen777 · 18/01/2017 16:49

Or could you collect her from her dad's at 8pm, so that you can make sure nothing is forgotten?

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 16:51

Evergreen, no offence but you're way off topic now. You're talking about sleepovers and teddies. I know what my child needs if she goes overnight.

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 18/01/2017 16:52

Yeah, he's a real prince. Waving red flags like it's parade day in North Korea!

My point is that you had no idea he'd be such a wanker to his child: she's had plenty of notice. She might not care about your DD, but she'd be an idiot to get pregnant.

Evergreen777 · 18/01/2017 16:54

You want her to do overnights, but you don't think he's capable of returning possessions? I do think there's a problem there.

But will leave you alone to justify your own decisions if you like!

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 16:55

Evergreen.. You're way off topic. Please do not lecture me on what my daughter needs on an overnight visit.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 16:59

Evergreen please read my previous posts. All I'm concerned about being returned is school books. If she has a sleepover, there would be no school books. Anything else not returned is not an issue, I wouldn't care.

OP posts:

Evergreen777 · 18/01/2017 16:59

Sorry, I think you've misunderstdood me. I'm not trying to tell you what she needs (I'm sure you know), just to point out that if you want her to do overnights - which you say you do, your ex will need to learn to return her possessions.

My experience of having DC go to their dad's regularly for overnights is that there is quite a lot of stuff has to move between houses a lot, and it's easy for stuff to get left behind. If your DD/ex can't manage to return homework once a week after a 3 hour visit, then you may want to reconsider whether you really think it realistic for your DD to start doing longer weekend visits.

MossytheMouse · 18/01/2017 17:06

Well I have a seperate set of everything for when mine see their df. Possible with clothes, pjs, toothbrushes. Not with homework.

NotLadyPrickshit · 18/01/2017 17:23

OP you are not being unreasonable to want your DD to spend more time with her father unfortunately the way the system works is that he cannot be forced to accept this.

Even if it went to court they would only award the contact he requested & was willing to commit to so if that's 3hrs on a Monday that is what they would put in the agreement. He also can't be forced to do the homework if he refuses.

Yes it's shit & he's a dick but he's her dad & she wants to see him.

Evergreen the reason you get the order revoked when they don't show up is do that if they do show up you're not legally bound to hand your children over.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 18/01/2017 17:30

Bottom line, from the sound of it you've tried everything and he's not going to be reasonable. His dd being tired/having issues with homework doesn't matter to him, him being tired does. He's a wanker, and it's very unfair.

You can insist it's Sunday or nothing - however it is then likely to be nothing. Which again is bloody unfair.

The other option is as mentioned, talk to her teacher, explain that dad is not being in any way helpful, and can that homework be set on Friday not Monday. Many teachers would be glad to help.

MossytheMouse · 18/01/2017 17:49

Notladypickshit in this case a judge would be very unlikely to grant access at times that only suit the father, not the mother or child. She is showing herself to be open to negotiation, he is not. He has time at the weekend to see her and doesn't bother. Presumably he has annual leave, none of which he uses to spend time with the child. He chose to be absent from the child's life for 18 months. A judge will be able to see that he puts his own needs before that if his child. Were you married op?

Of course, that is all irrelevant as men like him don't go to court for access.

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 18:25

Mossy.. No we weren't married. We were together 5 years and engaged. We split when DD was 11 months.

OP posts:

tramstray · 18/01/2017 18:39

Not sure what the problem is, if he works Tuesday to Saturday then effectively Monday is his "Sunday"?

In any case, if Monday is inconvenient to you then you could reasonably ask him to change days, but it sounds like you're thinking about your daughter more than you (or even your ex). When people split up, it leads to difficult situations like this. Just suck it up and be grateful that he wants regular contact at all. It's not a given you know - often either the absent father doesn't give a shit about their offspring, or the mother doesn't like the father having access.

It is pretty common for mothers to be annoyed with the arrangements that their ex-partner wants to make with regard to access to the child. It's usually more about the mother wanting control over the situation, their own desire to "shit up" the preferences the father has, than it is about the welfare of the child itself.

(It works the other way around of course, the absent father will be just as fucked off that the mother will only let them have their child on days where it is convenient to her... it's just the usual strained relationship between ex-partners. Face it, if you could stand each other, you'd still be together!)

(BTW I use the terms "mother" and "father" in the way I have because it is more common for the "mother" to keep the child, i.e. live with it, and the father to be the one who lives elsewhere. The terms "the-parent-who-lives-with-the-child" and "the-parent-who-does-NOT-live-with-the-child" are rather unwieldy!)

MossytheMouse · 18/01/2017 18:51

Tramstray, where exactly are you getting that information from?

"It's usually more about the mother wanting control over the situation, their own desire to "shit up" the preferences the father has, than it is about the welfare of the child itself."

What a load of waffle.

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 18:52

tram...Monday isn't my DDs Sunday. He has no reason to not come on a Sunday. I can't be grateful for the 3 hours he throws at my child, I just can't, it's insulting and she deserves so much more.

OP posts:

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 18/01/2017 19:11

Just suck it up and be grateful that he wants regular contact at all.

Because after all that's what women should do isn't it? Shut up and enable men to have different privileges and opportunities.

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