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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop access on a school day?

143 replies

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:31

My ex will only agree to come and take our DD5 on a Monday after school for three hours. He works Tue-Sat, off on a Sun and Mon. I have asked him to come on a Sunday but he said he's tired on a Sunday. I know for a fact that he and his girlfriend have a hectic social life on weekends so being tired is a lie. I feel that he is rejecting our daughter.

He was gone from her life from she was 3 to 4 and a half(his choice). When he asked to start seeing her again, the 3 hour arrangement was a starting point and to build up if he stayed around. It's been over a year now and apart from a very odd sleepover(2) he sticks rigidly to these 3 hours.

Even on school holidays he sticks to Monday, 3 hours. He finishes work on a Saturday and doesn't go back til a Tuesday. Surely one Saturday night a month and one Sunday during the day a month isn't unreasonable to expect? I feel that I want to stop him coming on a Monday. It's too hectic when DD gets back home to then start doing homework when she's too tired to do it. If he seen her sometimes at weekends then we could still do 2 Mondays out of the month.

I'd really appreciate any advice and opinions TIA.

OP posts:

mikeyssister · 18/01/2017 13:52

That'sPlenty you definitely need to get a homework routine before 1st class. At that stage you'll be getting Irish as well. And there's a massive step up in the amount of homework. There should be no problem with the teacher, but if there is talk to the head.

Can you do anything to improve the relationship with his family? It might help your DD feel closer to her dad if she has a relationship with them. Don't worry about the lack of presents, that might be down to him rather then them.

PurpleMinionMummy · 18/01/2017 13:52

Every other Sunday sorry would be a reasonable way to build up more time.

MossytheMouse · 18/01/2017 13:54

Tempus, as long as she keeps agreeing to do everything on his terms, nothing will change. I think she should try offering on Sundays for a few weeks and see what comes of it. Might be difficult in the short term but could work out better for everyone in the long run.

And op keep evidence that you are offering all this contact incase he tries to twist things in the future...

mikeyssister · 18/01/2017 13:55

No point in telling the school to contact her Dad about Monday's homework, it's your DD who's in school being worried. At least if she knows there's an arrangement in place she won't worry.

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 13:56

Tempus....I had to get her over it before when he was gone. It's very very difficult to watch my 5 year old crying yet again because he doesn't want her. If he chooses not to come at any other time that's HIS fault not mine. People(some)here are saying that I'm holding him to ransom?? I'd say it's the other way round. He's saying Monday or nothing. That's not OK.

OP posts:

Whatsername17 · 18/01/2017 13:59

If he wont change the day it is still your dd who suffers. Could you seek mediation? You have genuine reasons as to why access is no longer working.

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 14:00

Mossy I did offer him Sundays a few weeks ago and he said lied and said he works. I know for a fact that he doesn't so I mentioned it again recently and that's when he said he's "too tired".

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 18/01/2017 14:01

Yes it's his fault. I think everyone on this thread is in agreement with that.

But -

You let him have his way - you lose, DD gains.

You stand your ground in the full knowledge that he won't step up and see DD a different day - he loses, DD also loses.

Which winner is more important - you or DD?

whathehellhappened · 18/01/2017 14:02

I agree with you OP.

Big deal he's bloody tired on a Sunday. Tell him to grow a set of balls and spend some quality time with his daughter.

My children are knackered every Monday after school without having the extra pressure of trying to please the non resident parent.

Homework shouldn't be an issue on a Monday but if there's homework to do then he should do it with her.

Is is such a hardship for him to spend every second Sunday with her??

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 14:04

Whatsername...There's no mediation services around here. I looked into it a while back and the local mediation offices have closed down. The only thing I was able to find was quite a distance away with over a years waiting time.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 14:08

whatthehell it appears that it would be a hardship. He must think us mothers don't ever get tired. Imagine I told him I was too tired for him to come on a Monday.

OP posts:

OhhBetty · 18/01/2017 14:09

Yanbu op. You know the situation and your daughter and what's best for her better than anyone. I wonder if your daughter is feeling rejected by him? And surely it doesn't feel like quality time to her when she's tired from school. One weekend a month is far from unreasonable!
Also, when do you get any time to yourself? Some people don't seem to think single mothers parents are allowed a social life or free time but you should get some since you do all the real parenting.

OhhBetty · 18/01/2017 14:12

And as for him being tired, he needs to grow the fuck up. What if you turned around and said "I'm too tired to feed/play with/parent my daughter today so I'm not going to." He sounds like a joke.

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 14:17

OohBetty, I don't get any time to myself, only when ex has DD. I could get a babysitter if I really needed to but I don't really mind at the moment. Would be nice to be able to plan some nights out in the future though if ex stepped up.

OP posts:

Aspiringcatlady · 18/01/2017 14:18

I personally think he should have her for a longer period of time, especially if she is showing interest in seeing more of her dad. I don't often say many nice things about my ex but there is a first for everything, he works Monday-Friday and then has our DS Friday- Sunday every other weekend. I'm sure he is tired, I'm sure you are tired, I'm sure every parent our there is tired, its part of what being a parent is about. Have you asked if he would reconsider for longer periods of time every other weekend so he can have a break and then the next week actually look after his daughter despite being tired? There are men out there fighting for a right to see their kids at all, through no fault of their own, and then there are men like this.

Stripyhoglets · 18/01/2017 14:25

YANBU at all. He's being lazy and not fair on his daughter. He should have her at the weekend for her benefit but I think he will never stop being a lazy dad who cba. So you need to do what's best for your daughter as she luckily has one parent who cares about her wellbeing.

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 14:41

Thank you stripy. Aspiringcat.. When I've mentioned it previously he said he was too tired and ended the conversation. His sister has told me bits and pieces about his girlfriend. Apparently she's the boss in the relationship and she makes all the decisions. I have found that if I try to talk to him about things, he always says "I'll get back to you"....rings later that night with his decision. I feel this might not even be his decision. He has also used the excuse of his girlfriend needing the car so he can't come for DD.

OP posts:

3perfectweemen · 18/01/2017 14:48

Im a mother and a step parent. He should be grabbing the chance for over nights when the mother is so willing to allow them. She deserves a break too. We take dsd after school on a friday to monday morning school drop off and her mum lifts her. Fathers should not just get to pick and choose when he can be bothered to have the child, contact should suit the child as long as the father isnt working on those days. One night a week is not asking too much. People that think fathers taking their child three hours a week is ok (going to get flamed) sound like jealous step parents that dont want much to do with their own step kids, so think fathers dont have shared responsibility.

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 14:55

3perfectweemen thank you, I was wondering why they were saying that. I'm also a step-parent and just love having all the kids together.

OP posts:

3perfectweemen · 18/01/2017 15:04

Thatsplenty if you posted on step parenting board they would understand better. You seemed to be getting it rough on first page of thread, i could'nt understand how they thought you should be glad for what you get and why you had any reason to lie about homework. Glad you got more reasonable support later on the thread.
Hope he is paying child support atleast

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 15:24

Ahh 3 perfect, I might try posting there as well thanks.

OP posts:

WorkAccount · 18/01/2017 15:25

why doesn't your child do the homework at Dads?

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 15:28

3perfectweemen, he's paying a little bit, not much but at least it's something.

OP posts:

mikeyssister · 18/01/2017 15:37

WorkAccount, whatever the reason he doesn't do it is irrelevant. He should be doing it but isn't and the DD is the one who has to face the teacher unless OP sorts it first.

Some teachers take h/w waaaaaaay too seriously in Ireland, even at this young age.

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 15:37

Work.. I tried sending the homework with him but he was forgetting to bring back books etc.

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