To stop access on a school day?

[ThatsPlenty]

My ex will only agree to come and take our DD5 on a Monday after school for three hours. He works Tue-Sat, off on a Sun and Mon. I have asked him to come on a Sunday but he said he's tired on a Sunday. I know for a fact that he and his girlfriend have a hectic social life on weekends so being tired is a lie. I feel that he is rejecting our daughter.

He was gone from her life from she was 3 to 4 and a half(his choice). When he asked to start seeing her again, the 3 hour arrangement was a starting point and to build up if he stayed around. It's been over a year now and apart from a very odd sleepover(2) he sticks rigidly to these 3 hours.

Even on school holidays he sticks to Monday, 3 hours. He finishes work on a Saturday and doesn't go back til a Tuesday. Surely one Saturday night a month and one Sunday during the day a month isn't unreasonable to expect? I feel that I want to stop him coming on a Monday. It's too hectic when DD gets back home to then start doing homework when she's too tired to do it. If he seen her sometimes at weekends then we could still do 2 Mondays out of the month.

I'd really appreciate any advice and opinions TIA.

Of course the OP shouldn't be grateful for a pretty minor contribution to parenting their DD

But realistically, it may be best to accept it as it is. Not brilliant, but better than nothing and leaves the door open for things to improve in the future if your ex does grow up a bit. All you can do is facilitate. You can't make him a better parent sadly

OP, may I say with the utmost respect and sympathy for your situation that you seem to be taking your (justifiable) frustration and anger out on some of the posters here who really just want to offer help and guidance and the benefit of their experience.

Evergreen's posts about sleepover equipment, and your DD and XH looking after it, for example, seemed totally relevant to me in the homework situation. I didn't detect the slightest hint of "lecturing" you about what your DD needs if/when she goes for sleepovers, but the advice that DD should start to learn to look after her possessions herself, and XH should return them if they are forgotten (at risk of inconvenience to whatever other shit is going on in his life) is, I think, extremely wise.

You say you wouldn't care if sleepover stuff wasn't returned, but the advice (which I agree with) is that maybe you should. If you give him the impression that anything is disposable then why shouldn't he get that impression about school books?

If you can't arrange the days to suit your DD's convenience then, as I said upthread, it is TOTALLY reasonable for you to insist that when he does have your DD in accordance with his convenience he actually be her father. No judge would disagree with that.

Mommybunny.. With respect to you to and Evergreen. Talking about overnights and DD looking after her things is totally off topic though. If things change and get to that stage then I'll deal with those things.

OP, notwithstanding that a) conversations veer off topic all the time, and b) the connection between sleepover kit and homework books has been pointed out to you, you seem determined to completely discount what appears to me to be some pretty sensible advice.

Fine. That is your right of course. It is clear I have nothing further to contribute to the conversation, so I will just wish you and your DD luck in a difficult situation.

You really did a get a bashing, you want a child's parent to actually care! How very unreasonable of you

The thing is though, he doesn't care that much, by the sounds of it does he?

It's a really hard thing to come to terms with, it's heartbreaking for your child and it's frustrating at best for you.

DC's mother (I'm the "step"mum, DP is dad and RP) just cannot be arsed. The times she has promised a visit (she hasn't seen them now for two years) and cancelled is in the hundreds. DP wanted her to have a relationship with them and his frustration was much like yours, as their parent he couldn't get his head around the fact their other "parent" (used loosely as she walked out when they were very very small) didn't want to see them, ever. Or would cancel on a whim, then be out drinking, When they got a bit older she decided she wanted to "give it anpthsr go" got bored within an hour and sent them home.

If you force the Sundays, you may well find it is worse for your daughter, as he will just cancel if it's not convenient - at least now you have something regular and a routine established.

Seeing little hearts broken because their parent isn't coming to see them after they have been waiting all week worse when cancelled ten minutes before and their waiting is even harder.

Someone mentioned the step-parent board but I think the lone parent one might be better for you. Although the people on the step parent board who are actually step-parents are lovely.

Penguins, your poor step children's mother (doesn't deserve the title) sounds horrendous. Thank goodness they have you to give them a positive female role model.

DPs ex is a bit the same, not as extreme but mostly leaves the parenting to her parents and DP. It's so heartbreaking for the kids, someone on this thread earlier that no parent is better than a crap parent.. I'm starting to think that way. I wish he'd never come back.

Thank you, I try my best :) I'd do anything for them, such lovely little souls very proud of them.

When she comes back after a long stint being "busy" who's busy for two years it screws up their little heads and we have a lot of damage limitation to do, I think the other poster was correct, no parent is better than crap parent - I wish she would stop thinking it's her right to see them, and actually think what is best for them - which is IMO to be either in or out.

I'm sorry your little one has gone through this, it is heartbreaking, my father did the same to me, one day I stopped bothering - all you can do is scoop them up and let them know your never going anywhere that's what my mum did, and what I do and I've turned out OK and it seems to work rather well.

Cannot quite fathom everyone jumping on the fact that you mention homework, yet totally ignoring the fact he is too tired to parent. Imagine if you were too tired too!

YANBU...it is correct it is not what suits you best but about what is best for your daughter and she sounds like she would like the opportunity to stay at dads. Seems she is an inconvenience really. 3 hours a week is not parenting but you cannot force him.

You have my sympathies dealing with such a man. Good luck

YANBU
In fact, I would be telling him that this arrangement doesn't work and he should start having her on Sundays. Even if he will choose not to see her at all... I don't think it's a bad thing. Especially when she regularly cries about not having enough time with him. Crying for a week is not as bad as crying for years every week.

It's not in her interest to do homework so late and it might impact on her progress in school.

Also, court would be giving him times on weekends more than likely if you'd explain there everything you explained on here. And if he chose not to, it's not your fault.

Why can't he do the homework with her?

Tg

steph2710...I know, it was when he said that I just thought, right I've had enough,he just doesn't give a shit.

DeadMorose...Yes I think that's what I'm going to do.

Thank you all.

This has been such a depressing read.

So sad so many women think it's acceptable for a dad to just pick and choose when he wants to parent.

Tired in a Sunday? Poor baby. I bet the OP is tired all the time.

In my opinion if he is being so difficult and only wants to be a dad 3hours a week, it's not in your daughters best interest to have a relationship with such a waste of space.

Yanbu

Some of the posters on here really need to give their heads a wobble. The insidious misogyny and pick pick pick at the op about homework rather than pull the father up for being a deadbeat.

Its not all about him. He doesnt get to call all the shots. Whats best for you and your dd is the priority.

Offer him Sunday so you arent witholding contact. If he refuses its on him.

Willyoujust....Yes, homework or no homework, 3 hours is still a disgrace.

"Just suck it up and be grateful that he wants regular contact at all. It's not a given you know"

Really tramstray, really? Daddy does the bare minimum, so the OP should just shut up and stop trying to get him to actually parent his child?

It's annoyed me too on the "let's be grateful"

However, you will never make this person be a parent. All attempts will result in disappointment

Been there as the child, been there as a responsible adult in two children's lives

Penguins... Sorry to hear that. Looking back on your childhood, do you think you would have been better off never seeing your father?