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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop access on a school day?

143 replies

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 12:31

My ex will only agree to come and take our DD5 on a Monday after school for three hours. He works Tue-Sat, off on a Sun and Mon. I have asked him to come on a Sunday but he said he's tired on a Sunday. I know for a fact that he and his girlfriend have a hectic social life on weekends so being tired is a lie. I feel that he is rejecting our daughter.

He was gone from her life from she was 3 to 4 and a half(his choice). When he asked to start seeing her again, the 3 hour arrangement was a starting point and to build up if he stayed around. It's been over a year now and apart from a very odd sleepover(2) he sticks rigidly to these 3 hours.

Even on school holidays he sticks to Monday, 3 hours. He finishes work on a Saturday and doesn't go back til a Tuesday. Surely one Saturday night a month and one Sunday during the day a month isn't unreasonable to expect? I feel that I want to stop him coming on a Monday. It's too hectic when DD gets back home to then start doing homework when she's too tired to do it. If he seen her sometimes at weekends then we could still do 2 Mondays out of the month.

I'd really appreciate any advice and opinions TIA.

OP posts:

crunchermuncher · 18/01/2017 13:01

It sounds crap for you. I can understand why you feel angry as it seems like its all on his terms. I would feel angry on my kids behalf if their dad only wanted to see them for 3 hrs a week because he was off doing his thing.

However...as Monday nights is currently the only contact your daughter gets, it would seem a shame to try and stop it. She obviously wants to see him.

'if you want a social life find a babysitter' - harsh advice for a single parent!

Can you talk to him about the issue with homework? Can you talk to the school? As somoeone else said, at the age of 5 surely family ralationships take precedence over homework.

Doughnutsandrainbows · 18/01/2017 13:02

This might sound a stupid question but does he know he can have her for longer amd you would be keen for him to see her more at weekends? I know you say he said he's tired on Sundays but was that a while ago?
Is there another opportunity - could she stay at his on Monday night dropping her off on way to work? I appreciate there's h/w and previously forgotten books, but better that and he has her more and do that nights h/w over longer than 3 hrs?

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2017 13:03

It's rubbish he doesn't want to see her on the weekends but I don't think you should stop the access on Mondays. The homework is a red herring-she can do it while she's with him.

If you want to renegotiate the access you're probably best getting something formal in place with the help of a solicitor.

NightWanderer · 18/01/2017 13:04

No one is saying it's ok, but you can't change him. You can't make him care when he obviously can't be bothered.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/01/2017 13:06

Yes that's a good idea Purple, mabey go to court for scheduled access say EWO or something. It will be there in writing. He does sound absolutely rubbish!

BarbarianMum · 18/01/2017 13:07

Sorry he's so crap and uncommitted but YABU. If 3 hours a week is the best that he will offer then, for now at least, I think you should go with it. Tell school no homework on Mondays as she's with her dad. This way she'll at least have some sort of relationship with him.

Maybe one day she'll decide that he's not worth even 3 hours of her time. If that's the case I'd certainly respect her wishes but if she enjoys it now then you should support it through gritted teeth.

PS And yes, he's a total deadbeat who doesn't deserve her.

KayTee87 · 18/01/2017 13:08

Op yanbu, your poor daughter. I'm not sure what you can do about it though.

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2017 13:09

Tell school no homework on Mondays as she's with her dad

Why can't she do it with her dad? How does he get a free pass from being a parent and supervising homework?

BarbarianMum · 18/01/2017 13:10

I must admit I'd assumed he probably wouldn't do it with her PurpleDaisies - given that he's opted out of all other responsibility - and I still think its better she sees him than not.

isupposeitsverynice · 18/01/2017 13:12

No yanbu. It's a fucking nuisance being resident parent and having to bend over backwards to enable your kid to have whatever tiny crumbs of a relationship the lazy shit that fathered them can be bothered to drop for them (can you tell I am projecting a little due to similar situation ) In your shoes I'd say mondays are no longer an option it will have to be Sunday. Unfortunately of course the risk is he won't bother, but why the fuck should that be on you? He's a grown man he is the only one responsible for his actions.

Ginorchoc · 18/01/2017 13:12

Unfortunately you can't force him to see her more as much as you want him to build the relationship, I tried that 9 years ago with my daughter and never heard from him again. He was offering my daughter, then aged 3 four visits a year.

Your ex sounds as though he is doing the minimum he can without much effort. I'm sure you're doing a great job and one day it'll be appreciated. X

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/01/2017 13:13

Taking your anger out on people here really isn't going to help.

No one is saying it's ideal. People are saying you can't make him take her when you think it's better & you can't make him be a better Dad. All you can do is accept what he wants to do or deny him access - denying your DD anytime with her Dad.

He sounds like a real twat, so I'd have probably put him under the patio when we were together 😬

If DD says 'it wasn't long enough' or that she wants to sleep over, tell her to tell her Daddy that. Often. Loudly. Clearly...

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 13:13

Doughnut he knows he can have see her whenever he wants. Even through nine weeks of summer holidays he stuck to his 3 hours. I told him last week that if he could come on the odd Sunday it would be better FOR HER. That's when he said he's too tired. He's not too tired,he's hungover. His own sister told me that.

OP posts:

viques · 18/01/2017 13:14

If he works Tuesday to Saturday then I suppose Monday IS his Sunday, if you see what I mean. If your dd is not too tired after school and is happy to see him then stick to the arrangement. As others have said contact is for her benefit not his. Sadly he may well regret in future that his relationship with her is not wonderful and he will come to realise how much of her childhood he has missed , but that will be his loss. Better the positive contact they have now than resentment and bad feeling.

WannaBe · 18/01/2017 13:14

The thing is that as a parent you think he should feel as you do about your DD, and you're right, he should. But unfortunately he doesn't, and so the only thing you can control is your own relationship with your DD. You can feel angry at him but the bitterness won't benefit anyone however valid it is.

crunchermuncher my statement was in response to the poster who suggested that the OP should want him to have more access so she can have a social life. The sad reality is that for some that just isn't possible, and if one wants a social life then sometimes one has to resort to alternative means such as getting a babysitter.

My DS is fourteen and hasn't spent a weekend at his dad's since the beginning of last year through his own choice. As such I too have no social life, but it would never occur to me to ship DS off to his dad's just so that I could go out. As things stand these things will just have to wait. Conversely my ex has a baby of his own so I imagine his social life ain't that hot either, but in his case he and his DP are together so it's not dissimilar iyswim. Couples who are together with kids don't generally have that much of a social life, and in many instances neither do single parents. Such is life sometimes.

LunaLoveg00d · 18/01/2017 13:14

Why can't Dad do the homework with her?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/01/2017 13:15

I'd tell the teacher that she's not able to do homework on a Monday because her Dad refuses to do it with her & it's too late when she gets home. Ask if you can have it on the Friday so you can do it over the weekend.

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2017 13:15

barbarian we're agreed he should still her. If he's seeing her he needs to do the normal things she'd be doing on a Monday-or at least be given the opportunity to fail and be told off by the school. Maybe he'll confound everyone's expectations and actually get it done with her.

MrsHathaway · 18/01/2017 13:18

Yes, he should be seeing his dd more regularly. His stating that he's tired is a crap excuse not to. But the thing about ex's is that while we can have opinions on the things they do, say, the way they act, we can't actually change those things so an opinion only serves to cause more bitterness. It benefits nobody.

Exactly this.

He is a shit, and those of us in England are startled by the sheer quantity of homework such a tiny child has to turn over in just one evening, but there's basically fuck all you can do about either of those things.

But come here and rant and moan and you'll get all the sympathy we've got. Because it is shit and it is unfair.

But it will benefit DD in the long run. You'll know you've done your absolute best, and she'll know it too. She'll see through her father before she's much older, and although you might bear the brunt of that in the short term you'll know you were her rock in the long term.

NightWanderer · 18/01/2017 13:18

The OP said he wasn't doing it and he wasn't returning books, sheets etc. Of course he should be doing it but how can you make him?

Original poster

ThatsPlenty · 18/01/2017 13:19

The thing is,when he first came back and wanted to see her again, I was a bit hesitant as he'd just abandoned her at age 3.When I told him my fears his first words were "fine, I'll take you to court" It didn't go that far as we worked it out ourselves but if I had just went to court he would most likely have been given every other weekend...would he tell the judge "I'm too tired". It's absolutely ridiculous what he's doing.

OP posts:

Evergreen777 · 18/01/2017 13:19

It would be good for you and for DD if she saw more of her dad at the weekend - so you're absolutely right to try and push for this. Point out that you'd like night off some time, suggest she asks him herself, talk to him about what would make that work for him, tell him it's only fair he has her sometimes, encourage him to see it as a positive, etc, etc

The one thing that doesn't make much sense would be threatening to stop the Monday contact in order to put pressure on him. Ultimately you can't make him want to have her more, if he just doesn't. All you can do is make her feel loved and wanted with you, and make the most of the time she has with her dad. That should include helping her with any homework she has on a Monday - if he can't/won't then I would speak to the teachers about that as they really shouldn't be setting substantial next-day homework for a 5 year old. But if you took away the Monday contact you'd hurt DD (as well as removing the 3 child-free hours you have to yourself in a week), and reducing any chance of her dad having her more in the future as he'd lost the relationship he's just built up.

loona13 · 18/01/2017 13:22

WannaBe so it's not ok on OP's terms, but it's so ok on DEx 's terms

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2017 13:22

I used to send the homework with him but had to stop because he was forgetting to bring books back etc.

That doesn't say he wasn't doing it with her. Clearly it isn't on to forget the books etc but it can't be an insurmountable problem, surely?

Evergreen777 · 18/01/2017 13:24

The thing with courts is - for all the talk about "rights of the child to a relationship with both parents" etc - what they actually do is grant contact time for which you have a duty to make DD available. They don't, and can't actually force him to have her during this time, sadly. So he could indeed take it to court if he was being an arse, and then not bother to have her the times ordered. My friend's ex did exactly that. (You could probably go back to court if this happened over a long while, and get it revoked, but then why would you bother?)

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