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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be a bit upset that we are no closer to setting a date when others are already getting married?

129 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 18/01/2017 05:13

Dp and I got engaged a year ago.

Since then it seems like about a hundred people I know have got engaged and there are at least 4 weddings this year, with a 5th scheduled for early next year.

So my FB feed is now full of women posting about their weddings, wedding fayre's, their upcoming hen do etc and I can't really join in because dp and I haven't even set a date let alone planned anything else. It just makes me feel a bit shit because all of these other people got engaged after me and yet they are all getting married before me and I'm getting tired of people asking when we're getting married, which will inevitably happen even more at the weddings.

It's not that I mind the waiting as such, if dp wanted to get married in 2yrs so we could save money etc I wouldn't mind but he just doesn't seem to be very bothered. I've mentioned it to him but he just says he wants to wait until next year to set a date. He said that last year!

Aibu to care that we're making very slow or no progress with this when all around me others are planning their weddings? Or am I rushing dp unnecessarily?

OP posts:
KC225 · 18/01/2017 05:20

Why did you decide to get engaged? Was it discussed at the time? Seems odd not to have a date in mind even if it's a long way off. If you have waited a year already to set a date, I do not think you are being unreasonable?

HumpHumpWhale · 18/01/2017 05:27

YANBU. We set a date straight away. It was over a year away, but wtf is the point of being engaged if you're not actively planning to get married? It's not a separate relationship stage, you're engaged to be married. I would talk to him about it. He might just be being a bit crap, but he might be looking at engagement as a way to pacify you to avoid committing to marriage when it should be the opposite! I'm not saying he doesn't want to be with you, but maybe he doesn't want a wedding? Doesn't really believe in marriage? You need to know and you need to know what the plan is for the future.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/01/2017 05:31

YANBU.

Has he given any reason??

Time for a calm lengthy discussion. Tell him exactly how you feel.

But if he can't given you a sensible reason why you can't set a date now then I would have to accept that he doesn't really want to marry you and leave.

Mysterycat23 · 18/01/2017 05:32

It's normal to set the date when you get engaged. Even if 2 years away. 12-18 months is usual though some people do it quicker! Hope he is not stringing you along OP.

ICJump · 18/01/2017 05:36

Gosh we have been engaged for like 5 almost 6 years. Still no date set. We are too busy doing other things to plan a wedding

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/01/2017 05:48

If getting married is an important step for you, I'd be annoyed too. I'd be questioning why and how committed and serious he is about the relationship. Can you both sit down and talk it through?

KeyserSophie · 18/01/2017 05:55

Gosh we have been engaged for like 5 almost 6 years. Still no date set. We are too busy doing other things to plan a wedding

So you're not really engaged then, are you?

user1471495191 · 18/01/2017 05:59

A male friend of mine announced he was engaged. 'Congrats' I said, 'when are you likely to get married?' 'Oh no' he said, 'we're not actually planning to get married just yet, we're just happy being engaged for now'. The conversation continues with him very earnestly reinforcing this point. I warned him his fiancée might feel differently. He laughed at my traditional mindset. A week later we received a save the date from his fiancée (with a date less than a year away) oh how we laughed!

Anything you can do to spur things along? Can you begin to look at venues and check availability to indicate how far in advance you will need to book?

Cheby · 18/01/2017 06:25

Surely the point of getting engaged is to set a date and organise a wedding, not to hang around for another few years. I'd ask him if he really wanted to get married I think.

Glastokitty · 18/01/2017 06:30

I don't get this at all. Isn't this what getting engaged means? It reminds of fifteen year old girls at school announcing they were engaged to their boyfriends, only to split up weeks later. I only get long engagements if you are planning a massive do (and even then...). I got engaged and married within three months, so fast many people assumed I was pregnant. I wasn't, I just wanted to be married, so I did. I suggest a good chat with your fiancé, this is your decision to make too, he doesn't get to decide all on his own. Good luck.

Graphista · 18/01/2017 06:30

Did he propose? Did you put any pressure on him to do so? (Be honest at least with yourself on this)

If so maybe he doesn't want to get married? Not everyone does.

Doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you although there are ramifications if you want children especially if you plan on being a sahm.

Wiggleyfingers · 18/01/2017 06:35

YANBU. My DP proposed but after said "obviously, not right now, but I know I want to marry you one day." Hmm It took 6 months of dragging him to venues and we eventually set a date for over 2 years away. I think you need to be honest with him, chances are he just hasn't realised how you're feeling.

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2017 06:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. To be engaged usually means one party has proposed marriage and the other accepted. It's natural then to actually get married. I don't see the point of proposing if you don't really want to actually set a date and get married. 🙄

KateDaniels2 · 18/01/2017 06:52

I dont see the poi t of being engaged if you are cibstantly putting a wedding off.

You need to discuss this with him.

I suspect he doesnt want to get married.

bonnieweelass · 18/01/2017 06:54

we were engaged for 4 years before we got married. I think it depends on your ages, financial status etc.

NapQueen · 18/01/2017 06:55

I told now dh not to propose to me until he was ready to start planning a wedding as I don't get the point of an engagement period if isn't spent (even in a small way) planning the eventual wedding.

Yanbu and I think you need to have a proper sit down chat and remind him he said last year that you would set a date this year.

SouthWestmom · 18/01/2017 06:58

Shall we get engaged - pacify the woman with a patronising placemarker

Will you marry me - let's set a date

VeritysWatchTower · 18/01/2017 07:00

Completely agree with noeuf

ollieplimsoles · 18/01/2017 07:01

My parents were engaged for ten years!! My mum wore the ring and everything.

It was my step dad who proposed after two years together. He wanted to show my mum he was serious but they couldn't afford a wedding with my and my sister to look after and they has a house to buy.

They got married when I was 17 and it was lovely. Sometimes people get engaged to show they are serious about each other and they intend on getting married when they can afford it.

I don't get these couples who get engaged then go on to have three children then complain they cant afford it though.

Ifailed · 18/01/2017 07:03

Gosh we have been engaged for like 5 almost 6 years. Still no date set. We are too busy doing other things to plan a wedding
it takes about 30 minutes to arrange a wedding : phone registry office giving notice & make appointment. Take documents to registry office, book wedding. Turn up with 2 witnesses & get married.

PurpleMcPants · 18/01/2017 07:08

I agree with noeuf too, I saw this happen to a few of my friends when we were mid-twenties sort of age. It's a just-enough-to-stop-them-moaning type of gesture. Without fail all the couples who did this are not married (to each other) now, 20 years later.

Treaclex · 18/01/2017 07:10

I had a long engagement and don't really give a stuff what others think about it. My reasons were I did not want to get married until I was over the age of 30 as a child my parents were sort of rushed to get married because they fell with me and that ended in a bitter divorce with the ripple effect still visible 30yrs later. Both of us were happy with our decision to wait so long and it wasn't a case of not being able to afford it either it was choice he asked me and I told him how I felt and we made the decision together. Op your really need to speak to your partner though and let him know how you are feeling otherwise it will eat you up and you'll start resenting him.

MadHattersWineParty · 18/01/2017 07:15

My friends got engaged last year and the date is FOUR years from now- she wants her 'dream wedding' and they're broke. At least a date is seller although it's a rough one as the venue won't let he left book that far ahead! He said he'd be happy to have a smaller affair and just be married.

You definitely need to discuss and move forward OP. Otherwise I imagine the 'shine' of being engaged is really going to start to wear off...

Freakbag · 18/01/2017 07:21

We didn't have an engagement. One day I told dh that I'd made an app at the registry office to confirm our id. A week after that we got married. Cost us £170 in totoal for 2 rings, 2 certs and the ceremony

Baylisiana · 18/01/2017 07:23

Waiting to get married I could understand if he had a reason such as saving up, it wouldn't be my choice of how to use money but if you both wanted it it would be reasonable. Waiting to set a date though....I would want to know the reason I think.

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