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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be a bit upset that we are no closer to setting a date when others are already getting married?

129 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 18/01/2017 05:13

Dp and I got engaged a year ago.

Since then it seems like about a hundred people I know have got engaged and there are at least 4 weddings this year, with a 5th scheduled for early next year.

So my FB feed is now full of women posting about their weddings, wedding fayre's, their upcoming hen do etc and I can't really join in because dp and I haven't even set a date let alone planned anything else. It just makes me feel a bit shit because all of these other people got engaged after me and yet they are all getting married before me and I'm getting tired of people asking when we're getting married, which will inevitably happen even more at the weddings.

It's not that I mind the waiting as such, if dp wanted to get married in 2yrs so we could save money etc I wouldn't mind but he just doesn't seem to be very bothered. I've mentioned it to him but he just says he wants to wait until next year to set a date. He said that last year!

Aibu to care that we're making very slow or no progress with this when all around me others are planning their weddings? Or am I rushing dp unnecessarily?

OP posts:
SEsofty · 18/01/2017 08:34

Why did he get engaged if doesn't want to set a date?

Have you discussed what sort of wedding you both want?
Does he just want to be married and not have a big fancy do? In which case you could do it next week and there would be no need to set a date.
Are there other milestone to complete first? Eg work project, buy a house etc

The concern is that he won't discuss it and dismisses your attempts to discuss

MissClimpsonsTypingBureau · 18/01/2017 08:34

Ignore the people telling you their way is the only way!

Have you actually had a proper conversation with him about this? As in "I want to get married and it's making me unhappy that we're not thinking about it. Why don't you want to set a date and start planning?" Until you have that conversation you aren't going to get anywhere. It might be that he doesn't want to get married - but he might be scared about all sorts of things, he might just be oblivious and not realise it's important to you, he might be worried about money... talk to him, be honest about wanting to get married (YANBU at all to want it!)

LagunaBubbles · 18/01/2017 08:37

Gosh we have been engaged for like 5 almost 6 years. Still no date set. We are too busy doing other things to plan a wedding

Your choice, your priorities obviously but youre not really enagaged - being "engaged" is meaningless if you dont actually get set a date to get married, its marriage that it is the commitment, not the engagment. Of course there is nothing wrong with not getting married either if thats what both people dont want,

ElspethFlashman · 18/01/2017 08:42

To us our engagement signifies our commitment to spend the rest of our lives together.

But....... doesn't living together signify that??!

KaosReigns · 18/01/2017 08:42

You can't live as a married couple until you are a married couple. There are huge differences, particularly if you've bought a home and have children.

Specifically?

Our finances are completely joint. Our DD is as much ours as she would be if we were married. There are no tax benefits of marriage where we live. All our assets are joint. The government and law consider our relationship defacto anyway.

Totally besides the point though, you've just got me curious now. The OP's issue isn't one of the validity of long engagements, it's about communication and commitment issues.

JustSpeakSense · 18/01/2017 08:42

It sounds like you and your fiancé want different things.

I think long engagements (although not the norm) are fine if you both agree and there are valid reasons.

If one partner is dragging their heels, however, because is seems they don't really want it, then it is obviously a problem.

YANBU and you need to have a decent heart to heart talk with your fiancé.

BasinHaircut · 18/01/2017 08:43

OP it seems odd to me that literally the first conversation you had after you got engaged wasn't about when You would get married? I'm not talking exact dates but rather 'spring next year' 'in 2 summers time' etc.

In fact as its quite common now for people to live together/have kids etc before getting engaged, many people know when their wedding will be before they are even engaged!

I personally hate the term engaged and I never referred to myself as such. I didn't have a ring and DH and I pretty much just decided to get married and then did it 9 months later. I also don't get the whole big proposal thing, it seems like treating life like a Hollywood movie to me. I think it should be a joint decision not a man deciding you are good enough for him.

KaosReigns · 18/01/2017 08:44

But....... doesn't living together signify that??!

Not really, we lived together before we started dating. Not every couple that moves in together is planning to spend the rest of their lives together.

WannaBe · 18/01/2017 08:45

Being engaged with no intentions of getting married though is the same as just talking about how you might want to get married one day.

No a date might not be set if that's what you agree, but if one party is not even prepared to talk about setting a date then that intention is clear as well..

ElspethFlashman · 18/01/2017 08:46

What I mean is, surely when two people shack up (and in many cases buy a house and have a kid) they are effectively declaring their intentions to the world?

So what is the point of an engagement when there's no interest in marriage any time in the next few years?

I don't get it.

Why not just NOT get engaged at all?

MontePulciana · 18/01/2017 08:52

I think I just get miffed when people loosely use the term 'fiance' and when you ask when their big day is there's an awkward silence or they say they're not planning that far ahead yet. I just can't take them seriously unless there's a wedding in the pipework. I've seen it happen to friend after friend. Of a group of about 8 only 2 went on to get married. One had had a fiance for 7 years! I'd be getting straight answers OP. Lay it out to him.

KeyserSophie · 18/01/2017 08:54

Maybe it should be like financial services- if one company says they intend to make a takeover offer for another but then does nothing about it, the regulator gives them a "put up or shut up" notice after a reasonable time has passed, aka "piss or get off the pot"

MTMFH · 18/01/2017 08:56

YANBU but you need to ask your DP why he doesn't seem to want to set a date and explain how you feel.

KaosReigns · 18/01/2017 08:56

Because the ring really helps to fend off the blokes at the pub? Because people are less judgemental about an unwed mother when she's engaged? Because it got his mother to finally realise we're permanent and stop hinting he should leave me? Because I like shiney things? Because fiance is more fun to say than boyfriend?

Or you know because we want to be...

Sorry for the hijack OP, asking why everyone feels the need to be judgemental has really gone awry.

MontePulciana · 18/01/2017 08:56

Errr *pipeline

NoraDora · 18/01/2017 08:59

Kaos the government and law most definitely don't consider your relationship defacto married.

I suggest you read up around this online. There is currently no legal protection equal to marriage. If something happened to you, your OH would have no legal say on your treatment as one example.

KaosReigns · 18/01/2017 09:10

NoraDora

Living will, so we're covered. I'm well aware of our legal status, thank you.

This is all totally beside the point anyway.

SilentBatperson · 18/01/2017 09:14

I presumed from kaosreigns earlier posts that they're not in the UK. There are some jurisdictions where it's possible to live as a married couple without being married, it's just that most MNers don't live in one of them.

NoraDora · 18/01/2017 09:26

Kaos unless you live outside the UK there is no equivalent legal protection to marriage. There just isn't, no matter what any lawyer will tell you or how many agreements you draw up.

I've seen someone have to try and deal with the death of an OH, would have been a lot less stressful had they been married.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 18/01/2017 09:31

OP, why do you want to get married? Is it that you want to plan a big party and be the centre of attention for a day? If so, just tell him that's what you want.
I wonder why it seems like more women are desperate to get married these days than say, thirty years ago? In my twenties, I was engaged to my ex for several years but I really wasn't interested in getting married.
I only got married to my DH after his cancer diagnosis but I wouldn't have bothered otherwise. We had a very basic registry office wedding with our kids but no formal reception or honeymoon. Other than the legal security that marriage affords a woman, (which is ridiculously outdated), I think it's irrelevant in a modern society.

MimiSunshine · 18/01/2017 09:37

To be honest it sounds like he's fobbing you off. I know a bloke who proposed without ever wanting to get married. He even said as much publicly.

I don't think he thought it would happen, well it is. This summer, once the ring was on the finger, his fiancé had the 'go ahead' to plan the wedding.

I'd sit him down and say you're not sure why he's so reluctant but you'd like to set a date and you were thinking "season" 2017 or possible 2018. If he doesn't wavy to get married he needs to tell you how but you would rather call off the engagement that keep waiting for him to decide and certainly not until next year to even start thinking of a date

TheNoodlesIncident · 18/01/2017 09:42

I'm sure there are a number of people out there in a relationship who don't particularly have an interest in weddings or actually getting married. But they still listen to their partner's ideas and make that commitment to them, because their partner's happiness is very important to them.

So he's not bothered, then? Puts it off when you ask about it? I wouldn't be happy with that.

FlyingElbows · 18/01/2017 09:47

The first thing you needed do is understand the difference between "wedding" and "marriage". They are not the same thing. Your initial complaint, op, centres around jealousy at other people's party planning. You've got a genuine gripe but don't frame it as "I want a big party and you're really mean not giving it to me". You need to have this conversation with your partner and discuss what it is you both want from marriage. If you can't talk to each other about the extremely important legal commitment you're seeking to make then you need to think twice about making it, it's not about frocks and hen nights. It's also not the 19th century any more, engagement really doesn't have the significance in modern society that it has had historically.

gleam · 18/01/2017 09:49

I became friends with a girl at work and knew her for 7 years before we lost touch. She was engaged when I met her.

In that 7 years, I met a bf, got married, had my first child and was pregnant with my second.

When we lost touch, she was still engaged and unhappy.

7 years of being strung along.

KeyserSophie · 18/01/2017 09:49

Other than the legal security that marriage affords a woman, (which is ridiculously outdated), I think it's irrelevant in a modern society.

Well it affords any SAHP legal protection- it just so happens that most SAHP are women (and yes, I'd agree with you that that is outdated). It also permits tax free transfers of assets between spouses which may be relevant depending on asset value, and makes your partner your next of kin (yes I know you can nominate but how many young people really do?). My cousin was in a car wreck and her partner of 15 years couldnt make any decisions, because legally he was just some random bloke

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