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AIBU?

To be a bit upset that we are no closer to setting a date when others are already getting married?

129 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 18/01/2017 05:13

Dp and I got engaged a year ago.

Since then it seems like about a hundred people I know have got engaged and there are at least 4 weddings this year, with a 5th scheduled for early next year.

So my FB feed is now full of women posting about their weddings, wedding fayre's, their upcoming hen do etc and I can't really join in because dp and I haven't even set a date let alone planned anything else. It just makes me feel a bit shit because all of these other people got engaged after me and yet they are all getting married before me and I'm getting tired of people asking when we're getting married, which will inevitably happen even more at the weddings.

It's not that I mind the waiting as such, if dp wanted to get married in 2yrs so we could save money etc I wouldn't mind but he just doesn't seem to be very bothered. I've mentioned it to him but he just says he wants to wait until next year to set a date. He said that last year!

Aibu to care that we're making very slow or no progress with this when all around me others are planning their weddings? Or am I rushing dp unnecessarily?

OP posts:

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SillySongsWithLarry · 18/01/2017 07:29

We set the date and booked the venue before the engagement was announced. We had a discussion that we would like to be married and where we would like it to happen. When it was all booked we bought a ring together and announced to the world that a wedding was a year away. We have been together 3 years and married 6 months.

MWM · 18/01/2017 07:30

Ooh some very judgey posters here!

We were engaged for nearly 6 years. DP asked me to marry him, I didn't feel ready as I was very young and had literally just had his baby, but also didn't want to say no to him. Once you've put it off a year you lose the push to get it done.

Why are you two not able to plan yet op?

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2017 07:30

Sometimes people get engaged to show they are serious about each other and they intend on getting married when they can afford i

KayTee87 · 18/01/2017 07:37

It doesn't really sound like he wants to get married tbh, sorry op. I wouldn't try to pin him down, I'd assume he doesn't want to get married and make your decisions about the relationship from there.

Ragwort · 18/01/2017 07:38

Are you wanting a big expensive wedding with all the 'excitement' of the hen-do, wedding fairs, big reception, loads of guests etc etc or are do you just want to be married by having the ceremony in the registry office with a couple of witnesses. How much are you bothered about what your friends put on Facebook?

Perhaps you both have different ideas about what 'getting married' involves?

MontePulciana · 18/01/2017 07:45

We also booked our venue before announcing. It sounds like he's a bit afraid or "testing the waters"

WannaBe · 18/01/2017 07:58

I can see why you would get engaged and not set a specific date if you e.g. Needed to save the money or buy a house etc. Me and DP got engaged nearly two years ago because we wanted that commitment to one another but also we don't live together and knew that we would get married once we were in a position to live together, had hoped it would be last year.

But due to issues with finding work etc living together at any point in the near future is something we've pretty much had to give up on for now so marriage is now unfortunately unlikely to be a possibility any time soon, but that wasn't how we planned it. But now we're engaged so wouldn't think about breaking off the engagement as that would send out a whole different message.

But just getting engaged and not actually wanting to talk about setting a date does IMO send out a very clear message that he doesn't actually want to get married. I would be having a conversation about it and would re-assess my relationship accordingly.

JunebabyT · 18/01/2017 07:58

I think getting engaged require setting a date and means a clear intention to get married. Don't get it at all when people are "engaged" but make no steps towards getting married. I think he sounds like he is stringing you along a bit!

However we got engaged at the end of August and set our date for the following Feb so may be more eager than most.

KaosReigns · 18/01/2017 07:58

We're going on 2 years engaged with no date set.

To us our engagement signifies our commitment to spend the rest of our lives together. A wedding is just a big party to celebrate that with friends and family. It will happen one day but we're not in a rush.

The difference is that we both feel the same way though, you two should probably have a conversation about your views about this.

And seriously why is everyone so judgemental about this. Different strokes and all that.

MontePulciana · 18/01/2017 08:04

Getting engaged isn't a commitment. It's a promise to commit. I know so many long timer engaged couples that fizzled out. I think some see it as a trial period.

Redlocks28 · 18/01/2017 08:05

Being engaged when you aren't even setting a date was known as being 'crap engaged' in my circle of friends years ago. It usually only happened when people (usually the woman) were desperate to show others how 'serious' they were about each other. I don't think any couple I know who was crap engaged then are together now.

MrsRhubarb · 18/01/2017 08:06

YANBU. We didn't set a date for three years after getting engaged, but that was due to unexpected family circumstances beyond our control. We were both on the same page as each other, whereas it sounds as though you and your DP are not. However it did get fustrating when people kept asking when we were getting married and I didn't feel like going into our personal circumstances with every random person so I perfected the non-chalant "Oh, when we get round to it! No rush!"

Worth pointing out that lots of venues have a two or more year wait for the nicest times of year.

MontePulciana · 18/01/2017 08:07

Yeah my DB just announced his engagement too. Party planned etc. No sign of a date. SIL is even saying he's refusing to attend venues and fayres even just to get ideas. I couldn't put up with that.

BingoBingoBingoBango · 18/01/2017 08:10

So he got engaged and is unwilling to talk about getting married. Does he want to marry you or did he do it as a means of pacifying you? You need to find out.

WannaBe · 18/01/2017 08:12

"And seriously why is everyone so judgemental about this. Different strokes and all that." because without an actual intention to get married the engagement doesn't actually mean anything. And in a situation such as the OP is in the engagement doesn't actually mean anything at all if one of the parties doesn't actually want to even talk about marriage.

sonyaya · 18/01/2017 08:14

Nothing inherently wrong with taking a while to set a date, but in this case there is a problem with it because it's upsetting you.

Talk to him.

PartyCityGhoul · 18/01/2017 08:16

I think the difference here from 'we were engaged for 6 years before we got married, we were busy' and the OP is that the OP doesn't want to wait x time because they're busy etc, she wants to get a date set and get on with it, and her DF is saying let's set a date next year. It's not being too busy as a couple to do it and so deciding jointly to wait, it's one party stalling.

Have you discussed what type of wedding you want? As he may be putting off the hassle of planning a massive extravaganza, rather than the actual marriage and a discussion about what you both actually want might help to move it forwards - 'no, I don't really want a huge while horse to make my entrance on in a palatial country house, I was thinking more of a hog roast' sort of thing.

If he's putting off the marriage as he'd hoped that proposing would stop you asking about it, that is a different conversation but one you do need to have too! One party shouldn't dictate either way but both need to know the actual lay of the land, and it doesn't feel like you're both on the same page.

Slimmingsnake · 18/01/2017 08:18

I got engaged at uni...errr 20 years and 4 kids later we got married..basically my dh was /is a lazy toad and just expected me to do all the organising/planning..which I put my foot down and refused to do...i eventually realised if I don't organise it ,it wasn't going to happen.so I did.it was lovely having adult children there..but was meant to be before they were born..sigh..

SilentBatperson · 18/01/2017 08:19

We were planning on a much longer engagement than we actually ended up having!

I don't think a long engagement is a negative thing in itself, even though we didn't end up having one. People have given a number of sensible reasons for it already. However, the lack of communication and bullshitty reasons is a concern.

If he wants to wait a year to set a date because one of you is finishing a degree, or your income is going to increase on qualification, or you want to go travelling/buy a house/some other endeavour first, that's alright. If he just wants to wait because he says so and there's no evident reason why, that's a concern. It sounds like the latter so no, YANBU. You need to discuss it.

CeeCeeEnnEss · 18/01/2017 08:20

You get engaged to be married. Talk to him; it may be an aforementioned 'crap engagement' time pacify you. If I were you I'd want to know.

LuciaInFurs · 18/01/2017 08:20

A friend of mine got engaged as her partner wanted a baby and she wouldn't have one without the commitment of an impending marriage. They've been engaged now for four years with an 18 month old. Could your fianceé want to meet other milestones (kids or buying a house) first?

expatinscotland · 18/01/2017 08:20

He doesn't want to marry you. Your engagement is meaningless if he won't even discuss getting married. If marriage is what you want, you need to move on.

And what nouef said.

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KaosReigns · 18/01/2017 08:24

Just because a date isn't set doesn't mean that there is no intention to get married. We have every intention of getting married, just not for a few years. The entire thing is planned and waiting to be set in motion.

Mumsnet is so weird when in comes to weddings, like everyone who doesn't head straight to the registry office and have a quiet meal with a few friends and family is doing it wrong and has "odd ideas about marriage". We have been living as a married couple would for years, the lack of party and certificate don't make our relationship and less valid or long lasting than yours.

But as I said before this isn't a situation where a couple has agreed to wait a while, so why hurl mud at those who have. Focus on the OP's issue where there is a lack of agreement about waiting.

Clairerandallfraserthe1st · 18/01/2017 08:26

dh and i were engaged for five years but in actual fact i told him after one year unless he wanted to actually plan a wedding we were no longer engaged. I took the ring off etc and we were 'just together' when we finally decided to actually get married it only took about 9 months of planning and dh was fully involved. We both had totally different ideas of what being engaged meant and needed to sort that out as it wasn't a question of our commitment to each other.

MontePulciana · 18/01/2017 08:30

You can't live as a married couple until you are a married couple. There are huge differences, particularly if you've bought a home and have children.

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