To be a bit upset that we are no closer to setting a date when others are already getting married?

[SharkiraSharkira]

Dp and I got engaged a year ago.

Since then it seems like about a hundred people I know have got engaged and there are at least 4 weddings this year, with a 5th scheduled for early next year.

So my FB feed is now full of women posting about their weddings, wedding fayre's, their upcoming hen do etc and I can't really join in because dp and I haven't even set a date let alone planned anything else. It just makes me feel a bit shit because all of these other people got engaged after me and yet they are all getting married before me and I'm getting tired of people asking when we're getting married, which will inevitably happen even more at the weddings.

It's not that I mind the waiting as such, if dp wanted to get married in 2yrs so we could save money etc I wouldn't mind but he just doesn't seem to be very bothered. I've mentioned it to him but he just says he wants to wait until next year to set a date. He said that last year!

Aibu to care that we're making very slow or no progress with this when all around me others are planning their weddings? Or am I rushing dp unnecessarily?

IMHO you get engaged to plan a wedding- whether that wedding is in a month, a year, or three years, if you’ve got the date sorted then that’s fair enough. It means nothing otherwise- literally nothing. Ok, you might say “oh well it means we plan on getting married when we’ve bought a house/can afford it/the time is right”, but the same thing can be said for any couple who both agree it would be quite a nice idea in principal to get married at some point in the future.

Also I got engaged in August and I don’t know why or how anyone could bear to listen to, “so how’s the wedding planning coming along?” for more than is absolutely necessary!

Shakira I feel for you. Agree with others that he isn't interested in marrying you. I was engaged and married within 7 months. For me, getting engaged meant planning the wedding/marriage. The fact that he calls you 'pushy' for even wanting to discuss planning it is a very bad sign. I honestly don't think he is the one for you. Don't waste your precious time.

As opposed to what? Standing hopefully at the alter and then just grabbing the first guy/gal to come past?

It's polite to ask first.

I agree with BarbarianMum here. He doesn't want to get married. At least, not to you. I've also seen the situation where a long term unmarried couple split up and the bloke get married to someone else in a short time.

So you need to sit down and have a good think about wether this relationship really is the one for you. Then talk with him. As others have said, giving back the ring will help to clarify things with him.

Because next year will roll around, and when you ask about setting a date, you will get the same answer again "we'll set a date next year" as it seems that's been the case twice so far.

Why did he propose if he doesn't want to get married?

Agree with PP - give the ring back.

Tell him to give it to you when he wants to get married. Tell people you aren't engaged. "Engaged" is not a status in it's own right - getting married is an additional level of legal commitment over living together, engaged only means you are planning to get married, if you aren't planning to get married, you aren't really engaged, you are in the same position as those living together, with the addition of a pretty ring.

You are either getting married or you aren't. By giving you the ring then refusing to arrange the wedding he's actually being rather cruel, if he'd been honest that what he wants is to live with you long term, emotionally commited but not legal marriage, then you could decide that's what you want. But by asking you to marry him then refusing to actually get married he's messing you about and not being honest.

Give back the ring. Consider long term if you want to be tied to someone who's not prepared to face akward conversations and will tell you what you want to hear rather than be honest and face your potential upset.

"I've mentioned it to him but he just says he wants to wait until next year to set a date. He said that last year! "
"He accuses me of 'being pushy' when I try and talk about it but I'm getting frustrated with the refusal to move forward."
Oh, he plain doesn't want to marry you. Sorry, but that's how I see it. He's ringfenced you by getting engaged, but not committed himself further. He's keeping himself free 'in case something better turns up' while tying you to him with an engagement ring.

I think I would do what BarbarianMum has suggested - "OP give him his ring back and tell him to ask you again if he ever does want to get married.". You don't have to dump him, just make it clear to him that you know where you stand in this relationship. Commit yourself to it only as much as he does. Do not stand around being his safety net/last resort .

I worry my DB is in this situation too. We all love his gf dearly but DB is refusing to take arrangements into next stage. She has a ring but nothing more and he avoids answering questions. I do wonder if he's secretly trying to postpone and allow more time for him to truly decide. Bastards. Wish people wouldn't play with people's emotions like that. It's took 5 years for them to get engaged and now he's playing this game.

My PILord have a neighbour who's been engaged for over 50 years now. She and her fiancé still have their own separate houses, too!

PILord = PIL

It's the fact he's telling you that you are pushy.
When we got engaged, my DH was surprised about the wedding planning. However he soon got into the idea which is the difference.
In his head they were somehow separate.

It strikes me that an engagement ring without any plans of any description is more accurately a promise ring.

Which reminds me of that hilarious Twitter rant that was doing the rounds a couple of weeks ago:
cheezburger.com/1325829/dude-goes-on-twitter-rage-rant-after-girl-brags-about-her-boyfriend-getting-her-promise-rings

When I was at uni way back last century a lot of Christian Union couples used to get engaged so they could feel less guilty about sleeping with each other. I often wondered how long their relationships lasted.

He might get married eventually, but i don't believe that it will be to you.
he doesn't think enough of you to actually commit to marriage.
i'd hand the ring back and brook no further discussion. and then i would leave. or kick him out.
Fuck that horseshit.

He might get married eventually, but i don't believe that it will be to you.
he doesn't think enough of you to actually commit to marriage.
i'd hand the ring back and brook no further discussion. and then i would leave. or kick him out.
Fuck that horseshit.

Clearly this person knows the OPs partner. Either that, or they have just made themselves look a reet cunt with that sweeping statement.

I think OP, that you do maybe need to chill back a bit. Life is not a race, just cos your peers are getting wed, does not mean you are any worse off or better off than them. Some of those marriages will fail and some wont, it does not mean jack shit.

In fact the longer you spend getting to know each other and be certain you share the same values, well I say taking your time over the choice of a LIFE partner is the way forwards

I thought getting engaged basically meant setting a date to get married, otherwise it is hard to see what the difference is between getting engaged and just giving somebody an expensive piece of jewellery, given that you can´t sue for breach of promise these days

On the other hand the wedding fayres and so on leave me just as baffled as the concept of calling giving somebody a ring with no actual concrete plan to marry being engaged, so Im probably just old .... We decided to get married, decided when, told a few people that we were getting married (including the date) and got married about 5 months later, I dont think we ever used the word engaged actually.

It is often hard to get your head around the way other people view the whole wedding deal from whichever way you view it I suppose.

We were engaged for four and a half years. We wanted to do a nice quick jeans and t shirts wedding in the Christmas break a year and a half after getting engaged (both uni students at the time). I got pregnant after a year so plans were put on hold. We had a big winter wedding a month ago and it was well worth the wait

Ignore the judgypants.

YANBU. We set a date straight away. It was over a year away, but wtf is the point of being engaged if you're not actively planning to get married?

Us too. I don't think you should get engaged until you're ready to actually start planning a wedding etc. If you can't afford to have the wedding you want yet, or don't have the time to plan it, then best to wait to engaged, in my opinion.

Not to scare you OP but a lady at work has been engaged for 12 years...

I'm not surprised you are upset. Getting engaged means that you were committing to each other with the intention of getting married. What's the point in being engaged if you aren't planning a wedding? Sounds like the ring is his way a staking a claim on you.

"I've mentioned it to him but he just says he wants to wait"
"He accuses me of 'being pushy' when I try and talk"

Yeah, sorry, but I too agree that you are not engaged, you are dating. I wouldn't want to over generalise (there are obviously exceptions for various reasons) but grown ups get engaged to get married soonish.

Are you happy just dating this guy? If so, swap the ring to another finger and be happy.

If not, why are you asking mumsnet? Talk to him properly, rather than mention things. Reach a clear conclusion.

"Ignore the judgypants."

MN can be very judgy, but I don't see it here. People pointing out that the engagement doesn't seem to have meaning are answering the question asked. It's fine to have a different answer too.

If it were just having waited a year, then yes perhaps a little judgy; but the OP really does make it sound like he's not interested, and she's quite reasonable bothered by this.

I was engaged for 5 years. We didn't really start planning the wedding until 3 years into that engagement.

He proposed to me after much asking from friends and his family about when he was going to.

However he kept putting the setting of a date off and just kept suggesting years that were further and further down the line. After it while it felt like we weren't engaged..

We split up two months before the wedding was due to take place...looks like he didn't really wanna get married after all (there was a lot of other stuff too but I'll keep it relevant to the thread)

That's sad littleme and it's sad he wasted 5 years so he could fidget around.