To be a bit upset that we are no closer to setting a date when others are already getting married?

[SharkiraSharkira]

Dp and I got engaged a year ago.

Since then it seems like about a hundred people I know have got engaged and there are at least 4 weddings this year, with a 5th scheduled for early next year.

So my FB feed is now full of women posting about their weddings, wedding fayre's, their upcoming hen do etc and I can't really join in because dp and I haven't even set a date let alone planned anything else. It just makes me feel a bit shit because all of these other people got engaged after me and yet they are all getting married before me and I'm getting tired of people asking when we're getting married, which will inevitably happen even more at the weddings.

It's not that I mind the waiting as such, if dp wanted to get married in 2yrs so we could save money etc I wouldn't mind but he just doesn't seem to be very bothered. I've mentioned it to him but he just says he wants to wait until next year to set a date. He said that last year!

Aibu to care that we're making very slow or no progress with this when all around me others are planning their weddings? Or am I rushing dp unnecessarily?

[seven201]

Yanbu. It's the whole let's think about it next year AGAIN that would give me the rage. You need to have a serious chat.

[Only1scoop]

You're not engaged IMO until plans are in place for the nuptuals

[BarbarianMum]

I would never have agreed to be engaged unless dh had agreed to set a date - it would have felt totally fake. We got married 18 months later so no rush but marriage was very clearly on the horizon.

[BarbarianMum]

"Other than the legal security that marriage affords"

^^That's a pretty big other

[Silentplikebath]

Op, you need to talk to your DP. Start discussing venues and registry offices with potential dates in mind. If he says he isn't ready you have to assume that he doesn't want to marry you.

It's better to find out sooner rather than later if you are with a man who doesn't want to get married rather than more waste years on wondering about how committed he is to you.

[Whitney168]

Getting engaged without actively planning a marriage is surely more 'scent marking' than active commitment?

Tell him that you both need to agree a date, wedding size etc., put saving plans in place if necessary - or he can stop pee-ing up this particular lamp-post!

[Only1scoop]

Whitney

[SharkiraSharkira]

*sigh

[AlmaMartyr]

Stories from people who have been perfectly happy with a long engagement aren't the point though. If you're happy then that's fine, but the OP isn't happy with the situation and her DP doesn't seem to be keen to resolve her unhappiness. That's the issue, not the long engagement itself. I was engaged for three years because we were engaged as students and weren't allowed to get married until after graduation. No-one else's business, we were both happy with that.

[SharkiraSharkira]

Oops posted too soon!

I do think he wants to marry me..eventually, he did propose and he was the one who originally brought up the idea - in all honesty after things ended with my ex I was against the idea of ever getting married again but after being with dp 3 years I changed my mind.

I do think he is scared, partially, not that he would ever admit it. He is quite a shy person and I think he hates the idea of a massive do where he is the centre of attention but I have told him what I would like to do and it isn't a huge wedding. Neither of us have large families or friend groups, or a lot of money and ideally I want to diy most stuff so it's not going to be anything extravagant. I'm not sure he believes me though. He has mentioned, when I bring it up, that he isn't really that fussed about the whole idea of getting married and that it's a lot of money spent on one day but it is a big deal to me.

We aren't going to have children and no plans to buy a house soon so really there is no financial reason not to start saving, I finish my degree this year but it wouldn't be till after that anyway.

He accuses me of 'being pushy' when I try and talk about it but I'm getting frustrated with the refusal to move forward.

[Writerwannabe83]

He has mentioned, when I bring it up, that he isn't really that fussed about the whole idea of getting married.....



Surely this tells you all you need to know? Why would you even want to marry someone who isn't even fussed about marrying you?

I also don't understand long engagements - a couple either want to get married, and so do, or they just remain non-engaged. Most of the married people I know have at least set the date within 3 months of getting engaged even if they then don't get married for a few years due to waiting lists or saving up etc. Without a date for the wedding the engagement is pretty pointless.

When DH proposed to me we set the date about 5 days later and were married within 5 months. We didn't particularly intend to do it that quick but we got offered a cancellation date at a lovely venue so we just went with it.

If getting married is something that is very important to you, especially marrying a man who WANTS to marry you and not one who isn't fussed and just intends on doing it because it's important to you, then I would be questioning your future with him.

[Butterymuffin]

It's hardly 'pushy' to want to make wedding plans with someone who has asked you to marry him! And there needs to be a reason behind 'let's wait till next year' to set a date. Otherwise it's just delaying.

I would tell him that all this feels like he doesn't actually want to marry you, and that makes you unhappy. Tell him that marriage is about communication and compromise, so you need to sit down and each say what you'd like, and what would make you unhappy (eg you want to agree on what year to get married, he doesn't want a big do of more than 40 people). Then you work round those things and hey presto, you've got a plan. But if you can't do that, it doesn't bode well for marriage.

You sound like you've talked about a number of big issues - not having kids, waiting a while to buy a house (are you happy with both those decisions, BTW?) So why can't you talk about this one? Put that to him.

[SomewhatIdiosyncratic]

My mother was engaged 7+ years and for most of that time there was no sign of a wedding. The actual wedding was suddenly announced with 3 months notice/ planning. It turned out that the sticking point was over the type of wedding as it was when the choice was either church or registry office. In the end they found a Unitarian church which was acceptable to both. There were other life events along the way which changed the priorities.

I had a 2+ year engagement. DH was finishing a PhD, so it was practical to arrange it for when it was completed. We knew we wanted to marry in the summer of a particular year, and waited several months before setting a date- there wasn't a rush!

The key bit is that there was a rough plan that we agreed on, so both knew where we stood. I'd lived with DH for several years. Quite early on we discussed that we both wanted to marry, but for various reasons were in no rush. A few years later things hadn't emerged quite as expected but ended up agreeing that the time for engagement/ planning a wedding was approaching, and soon after the question was formally asked with a ring (that we'd browsed for together).

It doesn't matter how long an engagement is. It does matter that communication about what you both want is clear, and that no one is being strung along. It's fine if the outcome is a rough timing, and reviewing in more detail at a certain point, but both parties need to agree.

[MontePulciana]

I think it's gonna be a rocky road with your fella OP. He sounds like he's just not that into it (marriage). If he's not ecstatic at the thought about making you his wife and life long partner I'd seriously be questioning my future with him. I'm only going off what I've seen my friends go through. Mr x says all the things your fella is saying "not that fussed" "don't be pushy" etc. You'll move on, he'll meet Mrs X and be married within a year. I find its just men come out with these excuses until Mrs Right comes along.

[welovepancakes]

He accuses me of 'being pushy' when I try and talk about it but I'm getting frustrated with the refusal to move forward

Sadly, I think this is your answer. You're keen to get married. He isn't. You're not on the same page. Fair enough for one party to go with the flow, whilst the other is super excited about the fine detail of the venue, flowers, cake etc, but that's not the case here

I think it's time for you to re-evaluate this relationship on the basis that he's not keen to be married. You may choose to accept that and stay with him. Or you may choose to move on, in the hope of meeting someone who does want to be married

I recommend against giving him an ultimatum. You don't want to be married to someone who had to be dragged up the aisle

Better to let him know that you feel he's not keen to be married, you respect his position and you are beginning to wonder if you wish to remain in the relationship. If he really wants to keep you, that may encourage him to set a date. If not, then I'm afraid you have your answer

[welovepancakes]

MontePulciana makes a good point. I knew two couples in long term engagements with no plans to marry. When the couples split up, both men were married to their new partners within a short time period

To be fair, I know plenty of other long term engaged couples where I don't doubt the commitment to the relationship, so I'm not saying that it's always a sign of waiting for a better offer

[SilentBatperson]

Your updates are a tad concerning OP...

Why do you think he doesn't believe you when you say you don't want anything extravagant? Have you spelled out what exactly you do want? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it's possible he does want to get married just not have a wedding of any kind, and would be ok with a registry office during the week type job. Is that a possibility, do you think?

[BarbarianMum]

So, in summary, he's taken out a long term option on you but would like to steer clear of an actual commitment in case something better comes along or he changes his mind.

OP give him his ring back and tell him to ask you again if he ever does want to get married.

[minipie]

I think you need to suss out whether he doesn't want a wedding (big do/lot of fuss), or doesn't want to be married.

Why not suggest a registry office marriage later this year (just you two and some witnesses/close family). You could say maybe you'll have a bigger party/blessing a year or two later but the important thing for you is being married.

His reaction to this suggestion may tell you a lot about what exactly he's afraid of. If it's the big do he doesn't like but he really does want to be with you forever, then he shouldn't mind the registry office option. If he doesn't want the registry office... sorry but he's not willing to commit and the engagement is a fobbing off.

[SwearySwearyQuiteContrary]

YY to BarbarianMum, give him his ring back. If he doesn't want to get married, there's no point being engaged.

[WannaBe]

So, he isn't actually that fussed about being married and he thinks you're being pushy when you ask about setting a date.

OP listen to what he is saying to you. He's saying that he doesn't want to get married. The ring means nothing if that's the statement he's making.

Agree though re not giving an ultimatum. I would just give the ring back and say that his actions show clearly that this isn't what he wants. Then assess for yourself where you want the relationship to go from here and whether you want to stay with him regardless of lack of marriage or whether marriage is actually important to you and you want to find someone who will give you that commitment.

[Doughnutsandrainbows]

Rubbish situation.

As others have suggested I would try and have a proper talk about what it is that he isn't keen on, the wedding or the marriage and go from there. If you hadn't got engaged last year would be happy at this point not being engaged. Think about what you want and what you want from him, and what is most important to you.

On another note, I've found alot of posts on this thread really rude, judging to what extent an engagement is valid - a valid engagement is based on the intention to get married by two people that love each other, only they are in a position to judge it's validity - time or having a date planned plays no factor in this unless it causes an issue to either of the two people involved.

[Writerwannabe83]

I also agree that you should give him the ring back and explain that it seems getting married is not something on his agenda and therefore you do not feel comfortable wearing it.

It may make him realise just how serious and upset you are.

[misshelena]

Never understood the point of engagement.

[honeyroar]

Poor you OP, he does sound a bit pathetic, and he doesn't sound on the same page as you. I too would give him the ring back, tell him it is meaningless being engaged to him, so you shouldn't be wearing it or saying you're engaged. Tell him you need to have a serious talk about whether your futures are going in the same direction.

I've got a couple of friends that have been engaged for years. They haven't much money, a house that needs a lot of work, full custody of two children from his previous relationship, so they've never been able to afford the wedding, unless a tiny, tiny one, which she doesn't want. I think the engagement is a commitment for them and they would get married if they could.