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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bully and party invite

339 replies

bonnieweelass · 17/01/2017 12:52

My DD is going to be 9 in a few weeks and is at school in scotland. There are two classes for her age group due to pupil numbers and every year they tend to change pupils around. There's another wee girl (let's call her jenny) who until this year, with the exception of primary 1, has been in the other class.

Jenny has taken a real dislike to my DD this year. Kicking, pulling hair, shouting, scratching. DD has not yet retaliated but I worry it will happen as she's getting more wound up by jenny.

Jenny's mum until this year was a teacher at the school but now teaches elsewhere.

I've spoken to the school twice now both by phone and by letter. Most recent call was yesterday so will see if anything changes. Both girls were spoken to apparently but Jenny refused to apologise or shake hands DD tells me.

However DD has given out her party invites. I told her not to exclude Jenny because she needs to be kind even if Jenny is not. DH number on the invite and we've just had this text from Jenny's mum:

"I am texting you with regards to the invitation we have received to your child's party. Jenny will not be attending this party".

I'm a bit Hmm as there's no "thank you" or "sorry" and it's all really formal, not even mentioning DDs name which she knows having taught DD two years ago.

DH has not replied, he's just shrugged his shoulders and said "tossers".

What do MNetters think?

OP posts:
Pineapplemilkshake · 17/01/2017 12:54

It helps to explain why Jenny is the way she is, but I couldn't help but be offended if I were you. I'm a bitch though and wouldn't have invited her in the first place.

BarbarianMum · 17/01/2017 12:54

I think you did the right thing and have had a lucky escape! Smile Remember that Jenny's mum is going to have a rather different perspective on what is happening be the girls.

RedHelenB · 17/01/2017 12:55

You have the moral high ground so it go and hope your dd enjoys her party. At least bullly's parent RSVPd!

BarbarianMum · 17/01/2017 12:55

between the girls

OhSuckItUpDucky · 17/01/2017 12:55

Extremely rude of the mother
Ignore it

LagunaBubbles · 17/01/2017 12:57

I told her not to exclude Jenny because she needs to be kind even if Jenny is not

I think you are sending out the wrong message to your DD that the bullys feelings matter more than hers sorry. I wouldnt have invited the bully in the first place. Theres no way the child that bullied my son would have been invited to his party, my son would have been miserable. No-one needs to be "kind" to someone who is bullying them, child or not.

knaffedoff · 17/01/2017 12:58

Your hubby is spot on Grin

At least we can see where Jenny gets her niceness from !!!!!!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 17/01/2017 12:58

I don't think you should have invited Jenny in the first place tbh and I also don't necessarily think being kind when someone is physically assaulting you is a good lesson either

treaclesoda · 17/01/2017 13:00

I also wouldn't have invited the bully in the first place.

And I'm on the fence about the reply to be honest. I think it is a bit sharp, but on the other hand if my child came home and told me that child A had repeatedly reported them to the teacher, and then invited them to their party I would wonder what on earth they were playing at.

I mean, don't get me wrong, if Jenny is a bully it is right that your daughter reports to the teacher, and it is right that she is dealt with. But human nature being what it is, I'd bet anything that Jenny is telling her mum that it's all a big misunderstanding, and Jenny's mum thinks that she is the victim.

maras2 · 17/01/2017 13:00

I'd be tempted to use the Mumsnet response of 'Did you mean to be so rude?Smile

PollytheDolly · 17/01/2017 13:00

Like mother like daughter, hey?

Yep, tossers.

trinitybleu · 17/01/2017 13:03

If you were inviting the whole class or all the girls, then you did the right thing by inviting her. Excluding her would be bullying behaviour from you.

With regards to the text, go with your DH. You can see where Jenny gets it from.

I have the same with my DD, same age. The mother doesn't speak to me, even to say thank you when I pass her a cup of tea at an event. Spent an entire group meal sat opposite me, never spoke a word to me. Whatevers, love.

hungryhippo90 · 17/01/2017 13:03

Well, it's plain to see why little Jenny is such a nice child, isn't it!
She got it from her mama! TBH I think you've had a lucky escape. Would be quite a tedious day anyway, without having to play nice with a child who seems to have made your DDs life quite hard at school.

Can I ask why your daughter had to apologise though?

liz70 · 17/01/2017 13:04

I'd be with your DH. Sod 'em. You can't be pals with everyone.

Milklollies · 17/01/2017 13:06

I think it's quite dim thing to tell your DD to invite her bully to her bday.

NavyandWhite · 17/01/2017 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackiebrambles · 17/01/2017 13:08

Well at least she RSVPd! looks on bright side

I'm only just getting into the party scene but I really don't think I'd have invited Jenny at all. Agree with your husband - just tossers!

purplecollar · 17/01/2017 13:16

I'd agree with your dh.

I wouldn't have invited her though. With two form entry you don't need to include her.

Not everybody is as nice as you. So carry on being nice and sod em.

darceybussell · 17/01/2017 13:25

Jenny probably told her mum that your DD was bullying her rather than the other way around. So the mum is probably being sharp with you because she thinks you and DD have got a cheek inviting her to the party.

GrumpyOldBag · 17/01/2017 13:26

Keep the high ground, do not reply and be grateful the kid is not coming to cause trouble at the party.

MiddleClassProblem · 17/01/2017 13:29

Follow your advice to DD. Ignore it, at least you know they're not coming and that DD gave her an invite. No loss to DD's party.

Maudlinmaud · 17/01/2017 13:30

The mum obviously thinks she and her daughter are the injured party here.
Enjoy the party!

MLGs · 17/01/2017 13:33

Thank goodness Jenny is not coming by the sounds of it!

Lucky escape. I agree with your DH.

Original poster
bonnieweelass · 17/01/2017 13:34

All girls in both classes are being invited, Jenny would have been the only one not invited

DD wasn't made to apologise just shake hands and be friends again but Jenny refused to shake hands.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 17/01/2017 13:34

It never fails to amaze me how ridiculously pc some people pride themselves on being; to the exclusion of common sense.
You've been in to the school twice because this child is bullying your daughter, the child refuses to apologise, and you told your daughter she has to invite this brat to her party to "to be kind"??
The mum's reaction will be as treacle said, btw.
Bratty will be the injured innocent.