Bully and party invite

[bonnieweelass]

My DD is going to be 9 in a few weeks and is at school in scotland. There are two classes for her age group due to pupil numbers and every year they tend to change pupils around. There's another wee girl (let's call her jenny) who until this year, with the exception of primary 1, has been in the other class.

Jenny has taken a real dislike to my DD this year. Kicking, pulling hair, shouting, scratching. DD has not yet retaliated but I worry it will happen as she's getting more wound up by jenny.

Jenny's mum until this year was a teacher at the school but now teaches elsewhere.

I've spoken to the school twice now both by phone and by letter. Most recent call was yesterday so will see if anything changes. Both girls were spoken to apparently but Jenny refused to apologise or shake hands DD tells me.

However DD has given out her party invites. I told her not to exclude Jenny because she needs to be kind even if Jenny is not. DH number on the invite and we've just had this text from Jenny's mum:

"I am texting you with regards to the invitation we have received to your child's party. Jenny will not be attending this party".

I'm a bit as there's no "thank you" or "sorry" and it's all really formal, not even mentioning DDs name which she knows having taught DD two years ago.

DH has not replied, he's just shrugged his shoulders and said "tossers".

What do MNetters think?

I wouldn't have insisted on my child inviting a child who had bullied her, however, you did, so I think you've dodged a massive bullet, and I'm with your dh in his reaction.

Whatever the rights and wrongs the bully's mother detests the op for complaining about her daughter. The invite is therefore confusing for their family hence her curt decline.

Lucky she did refuse though as you are spared the conversation with your daughter when shes 15/16 along the lines of "remember the time mum invited horrible x to my birthday party, can't believe you did that mum" etc.

You can be assured you won't be in any sort of contact with the bully or her family in the future, but strong your chance your dd will remember her bully being invited and will not be impressed. I really don't see the "bigger person" thing. Appeasement to random strangers at your child's expense more like. One of the hardest things I found about being a mother was realising that sometimes I was going to piss people off because it was in my child's best interests. For people pleasers that can be difficult.

Why would Jenny's mum "have a rant" at op for not issuing her dd a party invitation? How would she even know op was having a flaming party??

So do you "rant" at the mothers hosting the parties your ds is not invited to? Why is it even on your radar?

What are you saying, then? . You told op that had she not invited Jenny, it might have given her mum a chance to rant at op about it.
How likely would that be?

No sane adult would "rant" at another parent for not inviting their child to a party having been previously called into school to discuss issues (including violence) between the two children surely?!

As normal as any relationship between parents with warring DC. The other mother is a teacher so obviously educated and possessing of some emotional intelligence it can be assumed.

Just baffled by some of the views on this thread I must say - its another world! Reminds me of those threads where posters fall over themselves to berate OPs for not being "kind" to angry randoms who have been horrid to them - very odd.

Yes she has! Declining the weird invite is pretty smart.

It wasn't rude. It wasn't sappy nicey nicey but then the two families are not exactly on matey terms hence their obvious bewilderment that their child was invited at all.

One of those situations where someone bends over backwards to be "nice" but in doing so actually causes more issues (upsetting their own child on their birthday/undermining their position that the other child has been aggressive/giving totally mixed messages to the other family). How much easier if poor OP had just been honest and straightforward and not invited the kid in the first place.

The OP was being the bigger person in all this.

I don't think hurting one's child is being a bigger person.

Declining the weird invite is pretty smart.

Yep. I'm not surprised her response was curt after the batshittery the OP displayed.

It's clear that some people don't agree and it's all got a bit nasty. I am in the camp that thinks that inviting the child was taking the moral high ground and will not turn the op's child into a life long people pleaser.

In fact, a parent left out one child from a whole class party at dd2s school because she felt that her child was being bullied.
It all got really out of hand and she was asked to come in to the school about it.

Such a relief when they old enough to get their own friends and the invite list is nothing to do with the political manoeuvrings of the parents. Don't worry op you are nearly there - my 10 year old is very clear who is coming to her parties - sod all to do with me yay!

Isn't it Kerala? I love not having anything to do with the parents too.

thought I'd post on this thread instead of starting a new one. Jenny's friend (we'll call her Poppy) has started calling DD a 'baby', pushing her and shouting at her. DD came out of school and burst into tears. DM who was collecting DD went straight into school and spoke with the HT to complain who just said she would 'keep an eye on things'. Poppy has accepted party invite as no issue before this week.

Well that has nothing to do with 'Jenny' unless you are suggesting she put the other girl up to it.
This sounds like typical playground stuff imo. I would be telling my kids to tell a teacher if anything like that was happening and to give the child a wide berth - not marching into the school.

I hate to say it, Bonnie, but this is what happens when you "side" with the bully against your own dd -- you embolden the bully's friends to gang up on the victim. There are no consequences, not even with the victim's mom, so why not?? Little clever Poppy here is showing allegiance to Jenny by being mean to your dd. I hope you know this.

"side" in quotes because obviously you aren't really siding with the bully. Nevertheless, that's how Poppy sees it.