Bully and party invite

[bonnieweelass]

My DD is going to be 9 in a few weeks and is at school in scotland. There are two classes for her age group due to pupil numbers and every year they tend to change pupils around. There's another wee girl (let's call her jenny) who until this year, with the exception of primary 1, has been in the other class.

Jenny has taken a real dislike to my DD this year. Kicking, pulling hair, shouting, scratching. DD has not yet retaliated but I worry it will happen as she's getting more wound up by jenny.

Jenny's mum until this year was a teacher at the school but now teaches elsewhere.

I've spoken to the school twice now both by phone and by letter. Most recent call was yesterday so will see if anything changes. Both girls were spoken to apparently but Jenny refused to apologise or shake hands DD tells me.

However DD has given out her party invites. I told her not to exclude Jenny because she needs to be kind even if Jenny is not. DH number on the invite and we've just had this text from Jenny's mum:

"I am texting you with regards to the invitation we have received to your child's party. Jenny will not be attending this party".

I'm a bit as there's no "thank you" or "sorry" and it's all really formal, not even mentioning DDs name which she knows having taught DD two years ago.

DH has not replied, he's just shrugged his shoulders and said "tossers".

What do MNetters think?

No additional needs with Jenny. Her wee brother has autism though so I have wondered if Jenny is trying to get some attention. But why my DD?

Yes I do suspect the school are not willing to deal with it properly as Mrs Jenny is an ex teacher.

It was nice of you to invite her, yes the reply was rude but I think I'd just be grateful that she wasn't going to show up and ruin the day.

I would never have invited Jenny, I gather your not having a whole class party. I guess mother dear has heRd about the issues between her precious princess and your daughter, and has sided with her, so this explaines the curt reply, I would not have expected anything more.

I wouldnt care if she was the only one in the class not invited. Having 2 boys both who have been bullied in school mercilessly I wouldnt have invitied the bullies to anything.

I think you need to think of your dd not 'being PC' about it all. What message does this give her? I know you feel utterly shit about being bullied but you have to invite the bully to your special party as its a 'nice thing to do'? Not on my watch, my kids come first.

I have had CAHMS out to sort out my youngest DS bullying problem in school as its affecting him so much he was having panic attacks. They catagorically said they are NOT giving him stratagies to cope with it but they are having a meeting with school (and myself) to ensure SCHOOL STOPS IT . (I am fed up with it 'being dealt with' then starting up again days later with several kids in school) Its no acceptable at all end of.

And to go against the grain again, he has been told that if they lay hands on him again he can bloody well fight back, school rules or not, his dad and I will back him up all the way.

Hell would freeze over before I forced any of my children to invite their bully to their birthday party.

Absolutely wrong to invite bully. Why send the message that it's ok to bully and still be included

So everyone piling in here and having a pop at OP ironically while condemning bullies telling her she shouldn't have invited "Jenny". Why? It's her decision, not yours.

Are you sure that you're dd isn't retaliating or even starting it. It seems odd that the school would just be having a chat with both girls if it was a clear cut case of one bullying the other? And that text sounds like the text of a pissed off parent who thinks that your dd is treating her dd badly.

The mother comes out of this looking bad op, I would be relieved. I wouldn't of invited Jenny though regardless of her feeling left out. A bully needs consequences to their actions.

TBH it sounds as if the mother has heard a different side to the story. Are you sure its bullying and not just two girls falling out? Six of one, half a dozen of the other? What have the school said when you raised the issue?

Oh I didn't read your post bumsex Great minds and all that.

I wouldn't have invited her. Your dd doesn't need people who are horrid to her at her party

The mother comes out of this looking bad op,

How?! Serious question. She rsvp'd which is more than most parents do to let you know that she wasn't coming.
Why should she get into a whole "sorry" text message conversation when the school have been dealing with it?
It'd be raking it all up again.
She politely said she wouldn't be coming. Probably with a face as to why they'd have been invited in the first place.

I'd be delighted to get that response - the outcome is great, the bully is not going to be at your dc's party. I wouldn't waste a minute more of your life worrying about the mother or her daughter. Just enjoy the party!

I'm in agreement with some OPs on here. Schools usually act pretty quickly to stop this sort of thing escalating. Because they're not it would seem both girls are being unpleasant to each other, and equally both mums are in denial about the part their own dd's are contributing to the situation.

I think you've had a great result here OP. You have kept the moral high ground by inviting the girl and her mum has declined. A win win situation for you for sure.

The other girls mum is clearly unhappy that you dared to point any blame towards her little darling and there will be nothing you can do to change her opinion of you so don't waste energy trying.

Hope your dd has a great party!

I would bet from the other mothers perspective it is her child being bullied and she thinks you have a nerve inviting her child to the party. What is probably actually going is on is that both children aren't being nice to each other (and telling their parents half of the story).
If 2 phone calls and 2 letters to the school have resulted in one chat and an encouraged handshake the school clearly don't think of this is an issue of 1 child bullying another.

Jenny has definitely said a different version to her mother. Kids always seem to come out with polar opposites of the same story. She has probably painted herself as the bullied child so if I was Mrs Jenny I'd be unimpressed at the invite, in which case you cannot be surprised at her curt response.

You also shouldn't have invited her. It's a poor lesson to teach your child.

IF it is the case that your child is being bullied (and the school are being spectacularly laid back about it) then Mrs Jenny is going to be very sceptical about that now having recently received a party invitation for her child for her 'victim'.
I wouldn't have left out one child but would maybe have invited a few of the girls instead of all the others.

Dont kid yourselve on the school thinking a bully saying 'sorry' and a handshake fixes things! Seen it happen more than once.

Our school thought that sitting my dss' bully next to him so they could be 'friends' would solve things! Funnily enough it only gave him more opportunity to steal his stuff, trip him up as he walked past, push him while he was doing work etc etc.

You did the right thing not leaving one hold out.

I agree with your dh.

I would be telling your dd to push Jenny away if she physically comes at her and scream NO very very loudly.