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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bully and party invite

339 replies

bonnieweelass · 17/01/2017 12:52

My DD is going to be 9 in a few weeks and is at school in scotland. There are two classes for her age group due to pupil numbers and every year they tend to change pupils around. There's another wee girl (let's call her jenny) who until this year, with the exception of primary 1, has been in the other class.

Jenny has taken a real dislike to my DD this year. Kicking, pulling hair, shouting, scratching. DD has not yet retaliated but I worry it will happen as she's getting more wound up by jenny.

Jenny's mum until this year was a teacher at the school but now teaches elsewhere.

I've spoken to the school twice now both by phone and by letter. Most recent call was yesterday so will see if anything changes. Both girls were spoken to apparently but Jenny refused to apologise or shake hands DD tells me.

However DD has given out her party invites. I told her not to exclude Jenny because she needs to be kind even if Jenny is not. DH number on the invite and we've just had this text from Jenny's mum:

"I am texting you with regards to the invitation we have received to your child's party. Jenny will not be attending this party".

I'm a bit Hmm as there's no "thank you" or "sorry" and it's all really formal, not even mentioning DDs name which she knows having taught DD two years ago.

DH has not replied, he's just shrugged his shoulders and said "tossers".

What do MNetters think?

OP posts:
Megatherium · 17/01/2017 13:56

I'd just be grateful that the bully isn't coming to the party and leave that issue there.

However, I think you need to be tougher with the school about the bullying issue. Get a copy of their bullying and safeguarding policies and check whether they're complying with them to the letter. Assuming they aren't, request another urgent meeting and ask them precisely what they are going to do to uphold their own policy and keep your child safe. Tell them you want to see a plan in place that will sort this issue out, and try to agree something at the meeting. Make your own detailed notes of what the plan is and email the school after the meeting with confirmation of what has been agreed. If they need to go away and think about a plan, agree a deadline for it. Also ask for another meeting to be set now for, say, two weeks' time so that you can all review how it's working. If they won't address the problem properly, get the complaints policy and go down that route.

WiggleYourWoo · 17/01/2017 13:57

You have invited your DD's bully to her birthday party? 😲 YABU

halcyondays · 17/01/2017 13:59

Why on earth did you invite her in the first place?

KERALA1 · 17/01/2017 14:00

No way would I have invited her. What sort of message does that give to your child? We are sappy nice to everyone, regardless of how they treat us, physical violence included?! Sod that.

Itisnotwhatyouknow · 17/01/2017 14:01

Jenny told her mum a different story. She thinks your daughter is the bully.

Berthatydfil · 17/01/2017 14:04

Jenny wouldn't have had an invite.
I don't give a toss about her feelings my child would be the only one I cared about and I wouldn't be giving her the message that her bully's feelings were more important than hers were.
Mum has probably been told your dd is the bully and has responded accordingly.
Hope dd enjoys her birthday party.

user1477282676 · 17/01/2017 14:04

Text back "Thank God...she's a little bugger so we're relieved about that :D"

Obviously don't...but just be happy she's not a concern any longer.

Mollyringworm · 17/01/2017 14:05

The 'saying sorry and shaking hands' just reminded me of an incident with my ds a few years back. Very similar situation but it was a Gang of Four boys, a few very nasty incidents which built up over time and resulted in mild violence. After it all came to a head we brought it to the teachers attention and all were made to apologise and shake hands, one boy (the main offender, let's call him 'Jerry', refused.) I was seething but felt that the teacher had taken appropriate action and left it at that.
I then had the mum of 'Jerry' come up to me in the playground the next day and begin to tell me how upset both she and 'Jerry' were that he had been called in to the headteacher!?- she is needless to say the kind of mother who believes her little darling can do absolutely no wrong.
What I said to her next was a release of emotions that had been building up for so long I probably looked like my head was going to pop off! She walked off in tears. I still laugh about it now, the look on her face! It was one of those moments when you just say exactly what you imaged you would in that situation - it was great!
I actually feel a bit sorry for her, she's so deluded it's almost like she's from another planet - she doesn't notice people practically running away to avoid her in the playground!

Chloe84 · 17/01/2017 14:05

Have the school raised the bullying with Jenny's mum? If yes, could you write to the headteacher at Jenny's mum's school to complain about one of their teacher's lack of action on bullying behaviour shown by their DD?

This may be a bit extreme and a last resort.

Mollyringworm · 17/01/2017 14:06

Sorry to babble, my point being there will always be some mothers who, no matter what information/evidence they are provided with just cannot accept that their kid is in the wrong. And that deserves some sympathy.

neonrainbow · 17/01/2017 14:08

Congratulations you're teaching your daughter to be a pushover.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 17/01/2017 14:09

OP, here's the thing. It took me until I got to college before I heard the magic words. "Not everyone is going to like you and you can't make them either".

Harsh. But true.

It doesn't mean your DD has done anything wrong. There's 30 children in a class. They aren't always going to get along. There will always, sadly, be the class bully too. She doesn't have to be friends with the person who bullies her, and you shouldn't feel obliged to give her a party invite either, I couldn't give a shit if you'd invited the whole school, bar the bully. It's your choice.

OP, we had similar with regards to one of the Children's parents working at the school so no one wanted to rock the boat Hmm but you really must put your foot down now. If you've already spoken to the HT and got nowhere, Governors now and keep a record.

AmeliaJack · 17/01/2017 14:10

I do think it's interesting that the OP (who was trying to take the moral high ground) is getting such a hard time on this thread, whereas the other day a thread where the posters DD was the only one in her class not invited had pages of posts all about how nasty/cruel/bullying the party Mum was being.

It's all the same thing.

Bonnie I think you did the right thing, just be pleased she declined. In a similar situation my DD's bully has actually come to her last two parties. I arranged for my Mum to attend and her sole job was to monitor bully girl's behaviour. Bully Girl's Mum thinks she's an angel.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 17/01/2017 14:14

Sorry to babble, my point being there will always be some mothers who, no matter what information/evidence they are provided with just cannot accept that their kid is in the wrong. And that deserves some sympathy.

Molly yes. I remember speaking to a lady who's daughter was being cyber bullied. She was friends with the Mum on facebook and sent her screenshots of what they'd been saying to her DD hoping her mum would have a word and stop it escalating further.
The Mum was adamant her child would do no such thing despite having the evidence in front of her. I don't think it deserves sympathy though. Some parents just choose to be ignorant.

KERALA1 · 17/01/2017 14:14

It's not. The excluded child there was not regularly lamping the birthday girl "kicking, scratching, hair pulling" Hmm. Unkind to bracket that other poor girl with this one no suggestion she had been violent.

Olympiathequeen · 17/01/2017 14:14

Don't forget you are hearing DDs version of events while Jenny's mum is hearing Jenny's version.

I suspect there will be a wide division and the truth could be anywhere.

I'd just leave it go as you've done the right thing.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 17/01/2017 14:16

Not really Amelia. I read that thread. The OPs excluded DC wasn't hitting someone regularly from what I recall.

glitterazi · 17/01/2017 14:20

This is why all class parties are stupid. There was a bully girl at my school when I was primary - seemed to have it in for me. If my mum had made me invite her I'd rather have gone without a party and not had one at all, however much I wanted one with my actual friends, you know, the ones I liked and were friends with! Hmm
Also can't see what the mum's supposed to have done wrong here?! She gets an invite for her child who she presumably knows doesn't get on with yours, so declines the invite? What's wrong with that? She rsvp'd, and at least your dd doesn't have to put up with her tormentor that you insist on inviting to something that is supposed to be a birthday treat for her.
Poor kid. Luckily for her the mum declined the invite otherwise she'd have been there if it was left up to you.

LagunaBubbles · 17/01/2017 14:22

I do think it's interesting that the OP (who was trying to take the moral high ground) is getting such a hard time on this thread, whereas the other day a thread where the posters DD was the only one in her class not invited had pages of posts all about how nasty/cruel/bullying the party Mum was being. It's all the same thing

Excluding one child because they have bullied and been nasty to your child is not the same thing as excuding one child only just for the sake of it.

AmeliaJack · 17/01/2017 14:23

KERALA you don't know that.

You only know what the OP tells you.

My DD's bully's Mum thinks her daughter is perfect (genuinely does) as far as I know the School haven't informed her of the incidents I've raised. The other girl is also highly accomplished liar (and I really don't like to say that of a 9 yo)

I'm absolutely not saying that the girl on the other thread is a bully or anything of the sort, I'm just pointing out that the other thread shows the other side of the coin if you exclude one child.

The only way to find out why your child really wasn't invited is to ask the parents - but no one wants to do that.

MiddleClassProblem · 17/01/2017 14:23

AwaywiththePixies27 I didn't read that thread but how do you know? It's not very often a kid comes home and says that they've been bullying another child. Some may give info if asked why they might not be invited but others will keep schtum.

MiddleClassProblem · 17/01/2017 14:24

Having said that, if the child is being colouring ypud think the school would have notified her parents

Original poster
bonnieweelass · 17/01/2017 14:28

I didn't want to give Jenny or her mum any reason to accuse DD of bullying.

Until I got the text I did not believe the school had actually spoken to Jenny's parents but it appears at least Jenny has.

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 17/01/2017 14:30

Middle unless the OP in that thread was doing a massive drip feed and forgot to mention their DC got hauled into school a few times to apologise and shake hands I doubt that that was also a Jenny scenario.

misshelena · 17/01/2017 14:31

Say something passive aggressive, like, "Oh no worries, the whole class was invited."

And I would demand that the school put the girls in separate classes.