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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bully and party invite

339 replies

bonnieweelass · 17/01/2017 12:52

My DD is going to be 9 in a few weeks and is at school in scotland. There are two classes for her age group due to pupil numbers and every year they tend to change pupils around. There's another wee girl (let's call her jenny) who until this year, with the exception of primary 1, has been in the other class.

Jenny has taken a real dislike to my DD this year. Kicking, pulling hair, shouting, scratching. DD has not yet retaliated but I worry it will happen as she's getting more wound up by jenny.

Jenny's mum until this year was a teacher at the school but now teaches elsewhere.

I've spoken to the school twice now both by phone and by letter. Most recent call was yesterday so will see if anything changes. Both girls were spoken to apparently but Jenny refused to apologise or shake hands DD tells me.

However DD has given out her party invites. I told her not to exclude Jenny because she needs to be kind even if Jenny is not. DH number on the invite and we've just had this text from Jenny's mum:

"I am texting you with regards to the invitation we have received to your child's party. Jenny will not be attending this party".

I'm a bit Hmm as there's no "thank you" or "sorry" and it's all really formal, not even mentioning DDs name which she knows having taught DD two years ago.

DH has not replied, he's just shrugged his shoulders and said "tossers".

What do MNetters think?

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 17/01/2017 13:34

I wonder if her mother believes that her daughter has been wronged in some way?!

I agree with this. Are you getting the whole story from school? Especially as you said your daughter is capable of retaliation

MuseumGardens · 17/01/2017 13:34

Very rude.

KnittingPearl · 17/01/2017 13:36

It is also possible that Jenny's mum knows exactly what is going on, is completely mortified, and thinks it would be height of unreasonableness to accept this invitation given her daughter is bullying yours. Or at least that was my first feeling of the reason behind the refusal.

Original poster
bonnieweelass · 17/01/2017 13:36

My DD is instructed NOT to retaliate and I've been to the school to try to avoid this. Schools response to the bullying is a bit crap imo

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 17/01/2017 13:39

I told her not to exclude Jenny because she needs to be kind even if Jenny is not

I think you are sending out the wrong message to your DD that the bullys feelings matter more than hers sorry. I wouldnt have invited the bully in the first place. Theres no way the child that bullied my son would have been invited to his party, my son would have been miserable. No-one needs to be "kind" to someone who is bullying them, child or not.

Sorry OP but I'm in complete agreement with LuganaBubbles on this one.

Trust me. A group of bullies made my dear daughters life at her previous primary school a living hell. We moved her in the end. Even though it's been years since the main instigator left, I found my DD cutting up a beautiful school photo of herself last week. I was cross of course and when I asked her why, she said because Y (the old school bully) was in the background. Sad There is no reasoning with people like that and there's not a snowball's chance in hell I'd invite the child making my child's life a misery.

I understand the sentiment I really do, you think if you invite her, they'll make friends and all's well that ends well. But it very rarely works out like that.

It sounds like you also need to put your foot down with the school. One of the girls who used to terrorise pick on half the class always used to get excused as 'a child who struggled with friendships'.
No shit Sherlock Hmm

Hope you're little girl has a lovely birthday with her friends OP. Game face on and ignore and block Jenny's Parents number. Your DH is right. Flowers

VladmirsPoutine · 17/01/2017 13:41

OP, I see the life lesson you want to teach your dd but I think it rather misguided. If it's just as you're saying on here then Jenny and her mother sound like twats.

LagunaBubbles · 17/01/2017 13:46

If you were inviting the whole class or all the girls, then you did the right thing by inviting her. Excluding her would be bullying behaviour from you

Absolute rubbish. Excluding the bully no matter who is or isnt invited to a party is not bullying and this attitude makes me furious. Its all about the poor bullys feelings feelings again at being "excluded"? ... well maybe if they didnt bully another child they would be invited eh? People that come out with this crap obviously have never had a child who has been severely bullied you generally find.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 17/01/2017 13:47

I'd leave one child out id she were physically hitting my child and refused to apologise, to the point I had to go to the school more than once.

If one of my neighbours hit me and I was having a birthday party I would have no problem inviting the rest of my neighbours, as adults this is ok so why would we expect our children to be different. Excluding one child for no reason is mean, excluding one child because they are hitting your child is absolutely fine, in my world anyway maybe not on mn

CMamaof4 · 17/01/2017 13:47

Wow you can see why the little girl is the way she is. And the lady is a teacher Hmm

LagunaBubbles · 17/01/2017 13:48

Excluding one child for no reason is mean, excluding one child because they are hitting your child is absolutely fine, in my world anyway maybe not on mn

Well said.

Mollyringworm · 17/01/2017 13:49

I think you did the right thing and have had a lucky escape! smile Remember that Jenny's mum is going to have a rather different perspective on what is happening be the girls

  • this
Rumplestaleskin · 17/01/2017 13:49

I agree with the posters who can understand your actions but feel it somewhat misguided. I would not be magnanimous in this situation. I have to say if a child had accused my daughter of bullying I would find it odd if that child invited my daughter to their party. However, the tone of the text message, particularly where 'Jenny's' parent does not refer to your daughter's name, is dismissive and rude.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 17/01/2017 13:50

Jenny probably told her mum that your was bullying her rather than the other way around. So the mum is probably being sharp with you because she thinks you and DD have got a cheek inviting her to the party.

YY to this too. Some bullies can be incredibly manipulative. We had this one too. Both my DCs were in separate schools at one point (youngest has SNs). I was chasing after my own arse getting to two schools in a short distance within a specified time and one of the bullies used to take great advantage of this and tell my child daily they were going to beat her up after school whilst she was waiting for me (they used to come out on to the playground about ten minutes before hometime). The teachers were useless and she always looked terrified at pickup time. Least now I know why.

Just imagine my suprise when the little darling's Mum told a friend of mine who promptly told her it was bollocks and then told me Grin that my terrified child had threatened to beat their child up, and I, a grown adult had threatened to beat their mum up... Confused

I have a mouth on me when I need to use it, but never in the school playgrounds and I couldn't fight my way out of a paper bag! 😂 Who do you think my 'Jenny's' parents believed OP?

TobleroneBoo · 17/01/2017 13:50

Jenny deserves to be the only one not invited if she is a bully...

It would have ruined your DD's party

treaclesoda · 17/01/2017 13:51

I agree with Laguna, excluding a child because of their own bullying behaviour is not bullying. It's the natural consequence of their behaviour. A child who has been bullied needs to know that their feelings are valid and that their feelings are not less important than the aggressor's feelings. If the bully feels hurt at being left out, maybe it would give them some pause to think about how they treat others.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/01/2017 13:51

I can't see anything wrong with the text. There is significant hostility between the two girls and, while not in any way doubting your version, I'd imagine the other girl - and her mother - have a different take on events.

Tbh, the thing that boggles me is why on earth you invited Jenny. If you were being bullied at work, would you invite your bully to a party? I struggle to think of a healthy message that this decision would be giving your DC. Girls need support to create boundaries, take care of themselves. The social pressure on girls is always to play nice and put themselves last.

In the circumstances, I think the text is fine. The other mother is businesslike and polite. She will have her own opinion of the situation and you have to accept that.

SoupDragon · 17/01/2017 13:51

I would agree hat the other mother has heard a very different story from Jenny to the one you've heard from your DD.

LTBforGin · 17/01/2017 13:53

The mums a rude moo.
Dd a chip off the block.

You held the olive branch out and they burnt it. Don't do it again.

Dh response was correct. Tossers.

CommunionHelp · 17/01/2017 13:53

I would be sooo tempted to reply 'Great stuff, thanks! ' followed at least 10 smiley faces, maybe an emoticon wiping sweat off it's brow whilst saying 'Thank FUCK for that.'

Something like that.

TheClacksAreDown · 17/01/2017 13:53

Well actually this is a pretty good outcome regarding the party. You have the high moral ground for inviting her but she won't actually be at the party. Win win really.

Sunnydaysrock · 17/01/2017 13:53

Hell would freeze over before I invited a kid that had been physically harming my child to a party. Your children need to know you have their back and they are safe and secure with you. Inviting a bully to a party goes against this massively.

Starlight2345 · 17/01/2017 13:54

I agree Tossers lucky escape. Don't reply

MuseumGardens · 17/01/2017 13:55

Good idea Communion

AwaywiththePixies27 · 17/01/2017 13:56

If you were inviting the whole class or all the girls, then you did the right thing by inviting her. Excluding her would be bullying behaviour from you

Disagree with this completely. In the OP it is stated Jenny gets physical with her DD. I'd exclude her aswell. Not out of spite but out of two things.

  1. wanting my child to have a nice day on her birthday. Not worrying about whether she's going to upset Jenny and if she's going to get thwacked by Jenny, again.

2). If the child's parents / school are not going to set boundaries. Then OP needs to set her own. Which she's perfectly entitled to do as this is an event for her daughter.

Only on Mumsnet can (rightfully) not wanting your child to have to spend time with the class bully on their own birthday be described as perhaps also being bullying behaviour. Christ on a bike! Confused

Champers4Pampers · 17/01/2017 13:56

I wouldn't of invited Jenny in the first place.

I think you've dodged a bullet.

Just to put another angle on it - I agree that Jenny's mum probably has a different version of events but what if she's told Jenny that she's not going to the party as a punishment for her behaviour? Still doesn't explain the mum's rude text.

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