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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bully and party invite

339 replies

bonnieweelass · 17/01/2017 12:52

My DD is going to be 9 in a few weeks and is at school in scotland. There are two classes for her age group due to pupil numbers and every year they tend to change pupils around. There's another wee girl (let's call her jenny) who until this year, with the exception of primary 1, has been in the other class.

Jenny has taken a real dislike to my DD this year. Kicking, pulling hair, shouting, scratching. DD has not yet retaliated but I worry it will happen as she's getting more wound up by jenny.

Jenny's mum until this year was a teacher at the school but now teaches elsewhere.

I've spoken to the school twice now both by phone and by letter. Most recent call was yesterday so will see if anything changes. Both girls were spoken to apparently but Jenny refused to apologise or shake hands DD tells me.

However DD has given out her party invites. I told her not to exclude Jenny because she needs to be kind even if Jenny is not. DH number on the invite and we've just had this text from Jenny's mum:

"I am texting you with regards to the invitation we have received to your child's party. Jenny will not be attending this party".

I'm a bit Hmm as there's no "thank you" or "sorry" and it's all really formal, not even mentioning DDs name which she knows having taught DD two years ago.

DH has not replied, he's just shrugged his shoulders and said "tossers".

What do MNetters think?

OP posts:
glitterazi · 17/01/2017 21:57

I would be telling your dd to push Jenny away if she physically comes at her and scream NO very very loudly.

Why the fk should the poor child have to spend her birthday party worrying if she's going to get hit and having to fend her off by shouting no?!
Christ. Sad
What happened to parties with your select few friends instead of the entire class? An idiotic trend that inevitably leads to dilemmas like this.
Say you were being bullied at work. Badly. Would you invite them out to a night out with your friends as you didn't want to be seen as mean?

NavyandWhite · 17/01/2017 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glitterazi · 17/01/2017 22:02

It doesn't matter does it because Jenny isn't going to the party. FFS.

No, it doesn't as thankfully the other mum has some sense. To basically say "invite and get your child to shout no and push her off" though - Sad
Horrible that some people think that way.

NavyandWhite · 17/01/2017 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadLad · 17/01/2017 22:43

Absolute rubbish. Excluding the bully no matter who is or isnt invited to a party is not bullying and this attitude makes me furious. Its all about the poor bullys feelings feelings again at being "excluded"? ... well maybe if they didnt bully another child they would be invited eh? People that come out with this crap obviously have never had a child who has been severely bullied you generally find.

I couldn't agree more, but this is usually a lone voice or two on threads about not inviting bullies to parties, usually shouted down by dozens who think it's unkind to exclude the bully. If the OP has been reading mumsnet for a few years, it's not surprising that she felt she had to see invite Jenny.

NavyandWhite · 17/01/2017 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustSpeakSense · 17/01/2017 23:00

You did the right thing, and have had a lucky escape thank goodness you don't have to host this girl at your DD's party.

The mother's text was so rude and a good indication of why the girl is the way she is.

It's a good thing this woman doesn't still work at your daughters school.

BadLad · 17/01/2017 23:10

Actually that's the opposite to what I've normally seen on MN. Excluding the child that is bullying is frowned on from what I've seen in the past.

I'm sleepy and bunged up with cold, so maybe I am misunderstanding, but is that not what I said? If it isn't, then that I was I meant to say. Excluding the bully is indeed frowned upon on here usually - this thread is a rare one that hasn't gone that way, so it's not surprising the op felt she had to invite her. No way would I invite a bully though?

emmyrose2000 · 18/01/2017 12:10

There's no way I'd have invited my child's abuser into the sanctity of her home (or other party venue). So what if Jenny had been the only girl/class member left out? Bed, made, lie.

I can well believe the school letting Jenny get away with this as her mother is/was a teacher there. Some of the biggest bullies in schools are the kids of staff members. The principals don't want to "upset" (ie deal with) their employees/staff so let the bullying fall in between the cracks and hope the complaints go away. But if someone was physically assaulting my child on a regular basis you can beat I'd be pushing until it was dealt with, even going over the principal's head to the relevant authorities if necessary.

Yoarchie · 18/01/2017 12:30

Sounds like Jenny's mum thinks your dd is the bully.
The reply was completely twattish anyway.

It's not unusual. There is a girl in our school who enjoys terrorising people. As long as she's terrorising, she's happy. All the other girls know as virtually all have been on the receiving end. However she went up to my dd and told her she was a bully Confused. My dd just tries to keep out of this child's way.

TarragonChicken · 18/01/2017 14:49

So everyone piling in here and having a pop at OP ironically while condemning bullies telling her she shouldn't have invited "Jenny". Why? It's her decision, not yours.

Actually I think it should be the op's dd. Eve n if the op presents it as "I think it would be really nice if we invited Jenny because xyz," at 9 I think she should be in a position to not have her there if she wants. All of which is academic, really. I agree the text is very formal and abrupt, but not rude. It's possible Jenny's mother is really embarrassed about her behaviour, but more likely Jenny's told her a rather different story.

JaquieFromTheBlock · 18/01/2017 16:10

There's no way I'd have invited my child's abuser into the sanctity of her home (or other party venue). So what if Jenny had been the only girl/class member left out? Bed, made, lie.

agreed a million percent

Jennys mum knows of the situation, she will have been contacted by the school and probably believes her little angel has done no wrong

NavyandWhite · 18/01/2017 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elodie2000 · 18/01/2017 16:57

I purposefully 'misread' people's intentions in situations like this!

I would reply with a cheery 'Oh that's a shame! Sorry she can't make it! Thanks for letting us know! X'

OlennasWimple · 18/01/2017 17:05

I'm not sure what else Jenny's mum could have replied in these circumstances, TBH.

Put this to one side, and focus your energies on getting the school to address the issue properly

peeinthepotty · 18/01/2017 17:11

I'd send a response back saying:

"Hi Jenny's mum. Just so we're clear, I think your daughter is a bully. However, we have always taught our daughter to be kind to everyone regardless of how unkind they may be. Given your rude and curt response, it's clear to see where Jenny gets her manners from."

I can be a total bitch though and I despise bullies.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 18/01/2017 17:22

Rude would be to get no reply at all. I had 1/3 of families not reply to my DC party invite last year. That is rude, inexusable and I am cool to those families now.

That text was not chatty granted but you had a polite reply and you know that child wont be attending the party. You were polite in issuing the invite.

Time to move on

TheOtherGalen · 18/01/2017 17:24

The text response from Jenny's mum sounds like a form letter.

TheOtherGalen · 18/01/2017 17:26

I wouldn't read much into it though. I'm in the "shrug and move on" camp.

Cubtrouble · 18/01/2017 17:32

Reply "thank god jenny isn't coming, she's a horrible bully and was invited by mistake"

Grin
Corialanusburt · 18/01/2017 17:52

I forgot you'd said Jenny's mum was a teacher. Very inappropriate response for someone who should know better. Lucky your DD wasn't in her class.

LittleLionMansMummy · 18/01/2017 17:52

Lucky escape op, count your blessings.

I would not have invited her. There's a limit to kindness in the face of adversity. But then I normally set a limit on the number of places available at ds's parties and ask him to choose. I don't do whole class parties and don't really understand them.

NotTheDroidYoureLookingFor · 18/01/2017 18:08

I like to think the mum's tone was because she was frustrated with her daughter, who is on punishment for having been a bully.

And not inviting her wouldn't have been bullying. Bullying implies intimidation, some sort of behavior meant to be direct and humiliating or frightening. This would just be exclusion--and in this case, with good reason. (I was both bullied and excluded as a kid.)

Oddbins · 18/01/2017 18:10

I think the OP was right to invite.

I also think that there is possibly more going on in Jenny's life than is seen here.

Jenny's mum used to work there
Jenny has also moved class

pretty significant changes for a child to deal with and the curt rsvp isn't encouraging

We have no indication that Jenny has acted this way towards only the OPs daughter or if it's all pupils

Jaxhog · 18/01/2017 18:45

Just be glad she isn't coming.