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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should just be greatful rather than 'dread' having a boy!

224 replies

MinnieMousefirstofhername · 12/01/2017 02:02

Gave birth to ds 2 months ago, my best friend has recently found out she's pregnant and I'm thrilled for her and her dp.

However I'm recently feeling very irritated by her as every time I see her she says how much she hopes baby is a girl, how there's just no nice clothes for a boy, she would be soooo upset at her scan if baby is a boy.
I just say things like ohh boys are lovely too and that I'm sure she'll be happy what ever she has aslong as they are healthy.

I'm just getting really annoyed with it now as I think well is my boy not wearing lovely clothes and what is wrong with a boy you're fucking lucky you're having a baby! My dp says I am being unfair as he really wanted a boy and feels he would have been slightly disappointed with a girl but I honestly think it's rediculous ofcourse say ohh I'd like a girl but happy either way. Honestly don't know how she will react if she's having a boy! Aibu to feel irritated by this Hmm

OP posts:
Notquitewhatiexpected · 13/01/2017 20:44

I have 3 boys. When I had my third boy I had to put up with a lot of 'shame it wasn't a girl', and even 'are you going to try for a girl now?', not forgetting the classic 'didn't you want a girl?'. I just wanted everyone to acknowledge my beautiful, healthy baby.

Notmuchtosay1 · 13/01/2017 20:46

I must admit, I really, really wanted a girl. At my 20 week scan I was a little disappointed to find it was a boy. But I didn't dread having a boy as I knew (obviously) it was 50/50 chance. I was very grateful to be having a healthy baby which was most important. It only took a few minutes for the want for a girl to disappear. I soon got used to the idea of a boy.
I wanted a girl on my second pregnancy too...boy again! When I was pregnant for the third time, I just knew it was a boy. And it was. So 3 boys later and I can't imagine having girls. I'm sure I'm not the only one to have a preference, I have a friend that had 2 girls, she said she really wanted a boy. But the privilege of a healthy baby is obviously the most important. I have friends/relatives who would have loved a baby, they wouldn't care about the sex.

Unluckycat1 · 13/01/2017 20:54

Despite already having a daughter and a son I did go through gender disappointment when I found out I was having a second son. I had convinced myself that I didn't have a preference, because apparently only awful parents have such things, and I think it backfired quite spectacularly when it turned out that deep down I did. I cried for two days after the scan Confused. In hindsight I was suffering terrible insomnia and non stop nausea and it had been a stressful few months, I don't think my mental health was great. I adore my poor second son, he was actually my most joyful meeting the baby for the first time experience.

I spend a small fortune on his clothes as boys clothes on the high street are dire, imo. I never dressed my daughter like a princess, being able to crawl and run and jump definitely wins, but the prints and colour selections for girls are so much more varied and interesting.

I think she is being very rude to share her preference with you though.

EB123 · 13/01/2017 21:07

I have 3 boys who I absolutely adore. With ds2 and ds3 I cried when I found out I was having a boy. I had always imagined having a daughter and while I was happy to be carrying a baby that was growing well etc I was still sad that I would never have a daughter. It was nothing to do with clothes or princesses as I am not that type of person.

I think she is being tactless to speak the way she has been around your son but I would maybe see if there is more too it than clothes etc.

Twinklecomic · 13/01/2017 21:53

I experienced the flip side of this as all mine are girls- I was delighted that I could conceive and I wouldn't have minded what sex the children were. However I had a colleague who comes from a culture where sons are valued much more than female children. So she always expressed pity for me having so many girls! But there is often a back-story to this sort of nonsense- She had had a single child- a daughter and her in-laws, who she lived with, made life horrible for her over this. I cut her a lot of slack because of that - but it has happened that strangers (from a similar culture) have made remarks such as "Aw, all those girls, bet you were disappointed not to have had a boy?" It surprises me rather than offends, because I am utterly delighted with what I have been given.

caringcarer · 13/01/2017 23:14

I have a girl and 2 boys and love them all equally but tbh the baby girls clothes are cuter. That said your friend is being mean to you to say these things to you as you have a baby boy.

Neem · 13/01/2017 23:19

Everyone is entitled to have a preference, but she's out of order going on about not wanting a boy, especially in front of you (as you have one). I think she's actually trying to make you feel inferior. Is she challenged by you?

manicmij · 13/01/2017 23:56

Your friend is an imbecile. Is she not aware that it will either be a boy or a girl when you have a baby or if you are lucky maybe one of each? Think this person needs some lessons in biology. I would emphasis the most important factor is that the baby is healthy regardless of whether boy or girl. Perhaps she should have gone to a well known toy store and bought a doll, she could dress that up to her hearts content.

CommunionHelp · 14/01/2017 01:59

Your friend is an imbecile

She should get a termination

She's a crap mum

She's an idiot

Well, let's hope she never shares her feelings with you again, OP, since your thread about your 'best friend' has attracted such enlightened comments.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 14/01/2017 02:24

Servicesupportforall

there's loads of lovely girl clothes around but if my dds wanted to dress princess style then why not. Seriously you shudder at little girls choices? How odd

And as you pointed out in a later post Services there are loads of lovely clothes for boys, girls and even children.

Where on earth is just about everyone else on this thread apart from you and me living?

OP YANBU but your friend is.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 14/01/2017 02:34

Calling a girl a tomboy seems to be a positive

I hate that expression. What is it even supposed to mean beyond the ridiculous "oh she likes boys' stuff/ playing boys'games/ wouldn't be seen in a dress" or similar nonsense?

Children like and dislike the things that individual children like or dislike.

Carriecakes80 · 14/01/2017 08:11

Birds, thats your view, and of course you are allowed to have that, but you have to understand that to some of us that it will sound strange. 'Bits' shouldn't even have to come into the equation, honestly, as soon as that baby is born, you won't see 'Bits' you'll see your flesh and blood and love them no matter what the sex xxxx
I have two of both, I won't lie, I had my son first, then when pregnant for the second time I asked at the scan, and they said boy, and for a second, I felt a tiny weeny twinge of "Oh, wish it could have been a girl!" and then felt guilty for the rest of the pregnancy in case baby had felt what I thought (idiot I am!) and something went wrong!
I then went on to have two little girls, but had my family been all boys, that would have been wonderful too...
Ps I think boys clothes these days are much nicer than when my first son was born! Everything back then was beige n blue!

Trainspotting1984 · 14/01/2017 08:17

I wanted a girl. I would've been OK with a boy but I was smug as hell when my girl popped out despite the fact I did nothing at all to make it happen. Am a self confessed SMOG (as this post makes clear)

However I would never ever tell anyone IRL I feel like this except a fellow SMoG (you can tell when you see one)

Waremum · 14/01/2017 08:18

No, you're not . Feel sorry for you that your best friend is such an air-head / a-hole. Clothes ?? Please. If she's dreading having a boy , she shouldn't be having a baby at all , she's being insensitive towards you as you've just had a boy , and agree with those who've said you have to be careful what you say as others could be struggling to conceive ! The only thing that could defend her appalling behaviour , is that she is just apprehensive about giving birth and doesn't know how to express her fears . You may have to look for a new best friend

Benedikte2 · 14/01/2017 12:43

I think we're fortunate to be living in a culture and at a time where as mothers, we aren't regarded as failures if we do give birth to girls. Eg Heney VIII's wives. Many a wife was "put aside" or worse for not providing a male heir and it is still going on around the world and the rate of infanticide and abortion is higher for girls.
I think it's ok to have a gender preference as long as one is not obsessed and is prepared to accept the baby with love. I tend to think that many planned third children would not have been conceived if there had not been a desire to try of a specific gender.
Having grown up in the days when practically everything was geared to be preferential to males, being told I had no chance of a partnership in a legal firm because I was a woman, even having difficulty getting employment as anything more than a temporary clerking solicitor, being unable to meet friends for a drink in a public bar etc etc , unable to get a mortgage unless I was married etc etc I decided I wanted the challenge of raising a daughter with positive self esteem who would be a natural feminist.
I chose not to know my baby's sex because I feel it is not "natural" and any gender bias will be lost with the joy of the birth. Unless there are pressing reasons such as medical issues I still don't fully understand why parents want to know -- a bit like opening gifts before Christmas?
I can understand the OP's point of view but maybe her friend has a need to vent her anxiety? Does she secretly want to be persuaded a son will be ok?

BeaLola · 14/01/2017 13:49

Perhaps a tad insensitive to voice that comment outloud to someone with a baby DS but maybe she is just awash with hormones, new parent to be anxiety and probably just worrying that she is s now pregnant and going to be a Mummy and will she be able to do it ? After all it's a big life changer.

The thing I find sad is that amongst our adoption group more than half only wanted a girl ? I found that weird at the time having been through a journey to get to that stage - I can remember DH and I saying to our SW it will be the right child for us as we hopefully will be the right parents for them regardless of whether boy or girl.

Our amazing DS arrived at 4.5 years and I can remember despite the huge elation etc I felt that amongst all the other emotions I was like OMG I hope I can do this and worrying that I couldn't do a great Mummy job. TBH 4 plus years on I still have the odd wobble to myself usually when I feel I cold have handled a situation better .

I am sure we have all said daft things in the heat of the moment etc

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/01/2017 14:17

A preference is one thing. I think we all have one, Although very few would admit it. However dreading have a boy/girl is very much another.
If she's so fixated on having a girl, perhaps she shouldn't have got pregnant.

WotNoLoobrush · 14/01/2017 17:40

I think we're fortunate to be living in a culture and at a time where as mothers, we aren't regarded as failures if we do give birth to girls

Better still if we lived in a culture where no-one feels a failure for having a girl or a boy.

I tend to think that many planned third children would not have been conceived if there had not been a desire to try of a specific gender

Agree.

chaseylayne76 · 16/01/2017 14:39

I never thought I'd have a child due to pcos but at the age of 36 I finally had one. Did I really hope for a girl? Hell yeah. Would I have been a little disappointed with a boy? Yeah maybe so. Would I love either with my whole heart? Hell yeah. Just because I had a preference for my one and only child doesn't make me a monster. I wanted a girl because I could relate to raising a girl. I wanted a girl because of the relationship my mum and I had and since her death in 2000 I wanted that kind of relationship again. If I'd have had a boy I would still have loved it with everything I am but I would be so worried about his future as I have no idea what it's like being a boy growing up, whereas with a girl I obviously do. Why is that we have to constantly berate other parents over everything they do? Parenting is bloody difficult most of the time and with everyone having an opinion on how you're doing it is really unfair. Support one another and rejoice our differences instead of pulling other people down.

sj257 · 16/01/2017 18:53

Can't believe someone would be disappointed to have a boy because boys clothes aren't as nice, wtf how shallow?!

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/01/2017 19:35

chasey - I don't think the OP is talking about people gave a (usually fairly private) preference for one sex over the other.

I totally agree with your sentiments, and think they apply to the insensitive friend of the OP, too.

eastegg · 16/01/2017 20:16

What would rile me about the OP's friend, and which I've seen from others on this thread and elsewhere, is the strength of feeling and words used to express it without any self awareness or consideration for others feelings. Fine to have a preference, we can't help our feelings, but 'dread' and 'desperation'? Really?? Those words are totally inappropriate and call to mind the sort of really awful news that sadly some people have to face at scans.

And before anyone jumps on me for patronising people who've had that sort of news I'm not talking about anyone else I'm talking about myself as I've had that news. And yes I'm annoyed by extreme gender reaction.

I also feel for people who have real things to worry about during pregnancy because I've been there and I won't apologise for a moment for thinking about their feelings. I don't think it's patronising at all. (Someone up thread said it was).

YANBU.

threestars · 16/01/2017 20:24

A massive lack of tact!
A colleague recently said to me, jokingly, that if she gets pregnant, she doesn't mind if it's a boy or a girl, "as long as it isn't ginger".
She knows my red-headed daughter very well and I couldn't really laugh along with her... I hope she realised later how she'd put her foot in it.

waitingimpatient · 16/01/2017 20:28

YANBU
The way I see it is if you want a child and get pregnant you should be happy regardless of whether it's a girl or boy
How could anybody feel disappointed with their baby???

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