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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should just be greatful rather than 'dread' having a boy!

224 replies

MinnieMousefirstofhername · 12/01/2017 02:02

Gave birth to ds 2 months ago, my best friend has recently found out she's pregnant and I'm thrilled for her and her dp.

However I'm recently feeling very irritated by her as every time I see her she says how much she hopes baby is a girl, how there's just no nice clothes for a boy, she would be soooo upset at her scan if baby is a boy.
I just say things like ohh boys are lovely too and that I'm sure she'll be happy what ever she has aslong as they are healthy.

I'm just getting really annoyed with it now as I think well is my boy not wearing lovely clothes and what is wrong with a boy you're fucking lucky you're having a baby! My dp says I am being unfair as he really wanted a boy and feels he would have been slightly disappointed with a girl but I honestly think it's rediculous ofcourse say ohh I'd like a girl but happy either way. Honestly don't know how she will react if she's having a boy! Aibu to feel irritated by this Hmm

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 12/01/2017 15:02

I can't get on board with being grateful for being pregnant. Grateful to whom? It's biology. Some people are ecstatic to be pregnant, some are horrified, some a mix of both. But grateful? No, nothing to be grateful for.

I wouldn't say that to a friend trying to conceive obviously, but I'm not a fan of the #blessed culture.

Letustryagain · 12/01/2017 15:04

Some people just have a preference and that is OK, just as it's OK for someone to not mind either way.

Personally I was dreading having a boy and I'm still so glad that I had a girl. So much so that even though I had to have an Amnio (high risk of downs) and so knew 100% the gender, I still didn't believe my luck that I was having a girl, right up until she was born.

However, if I was to have a second (won't ever happen now) I wouldn't mind either way, because I got the girl that I really wanted. Now I'm working in a school I'm even more grateful that I had a girl!!! Grin That was said very tongue-in-cheek. Boys are Ok... Wink

mrsc118 · 12/01/2017 15:05

I have two boys and I'm done having children now. I had two miscarriages prior to my sons. I was just happy to have my first boy. I wanted him to have a sibling and it happens to be a boy and its made my life easier re-using clothes etc. I really hate the "when are you trying for a girl?" I have two beautiful children and that's enough for me.

kel12345 · 12/01/2017 15:08

I get what you're saying, but I can also see her point of view.
I think saying dread having a boy is a bit harsh, there will always be a chance.
I really wanted a girl, and had a boy. We didn't want to know the sex, so when the midwife told us it was a boy I did feel a bit disappointed, and I suffered with gender disappointment for a while. But you get over it and move on.
There is plenty of lovely boys clothes though

VestalVirgin · 12/01/2017 15:11

However I'm recently feeling very irritated by her as every time I see her she says how much she hopes baby is a girl, how there's just no nice clothes for a boy, she would be soooo upset at her scan if baby is a boy.

Well, if she intends to use her daughter as a dress-up doll, I hope she'll have a boy, perhaps she'll treat him like a person. Hmm

Seriously, I'd get hoping for a girl for other reasons, but "there are no nice clothes"? Seriously?

Servicesupportforall · 12/01/2017 15:13

I can't get this being grateful to be pregnant either. It's such a personal thing. I was horrified to find I was pregnant with dc4 but cracked on. I wasn't ecstatic and why should I have been? She's terrific of course Grin

There are lots of nice clothes for boys and girls ffs people don't be ridiculous.

dollydaydream114 · 12/01/2017 15:14

I once asked a colleague how his wife's scan had gone that morning and he said 'Yeah ... not great really. It's a girl, which I'm really disappointed about to be honest. I've never wanted a daughter and I'd have chosen a boy if I could. I'll just have to deal with it I suppose but it's taken the edge of things a bit really.'

Imagine having a parent who was disappointed by you before you were even born. This was his first child, too - it wasn't even a case of him already having a girl and wanting a boy as well.

notangelinajolie · 12/01/2017 15:20

I have 3 DD's. We hoped for girls each time. When we found out baby girl number 3 was on her way everyone asumed we were trying for a boy and I used to get really annoyed at the better luck next time comments.

Fozzleyplum · 12/01/2017 15:21

YANBU. Let's hope it's just the pregnancy hormones talking, otherwise I'd be questioning whether I had much in common with a friend who was being such a dolt!

This "dressing up dolly" obsession for parents of baby girls is so pathetic, IMO, and seems to be increasingly prevalent.

MargaretCavendish · 12/01/2017 15:22

I wouldn't say that to a friend trying to conceive obviously, but I'm not a fan of the #blessed culture

If you wouldn't say it to a friend trying to conceive, isn't it a slightly provocative thing to post on a forum with plenty of women trying to conceive, and a fair share of them struggling?

Ohyesiam · 12/01/2017 15:22

Mention it to her. Keep it about you, "
I'm a bit fed up with you saying that, as I've just had a boy "
Or
" I'm a bit hurt by that as I've got a boy"
Or
" why do you think thats ok to say to someone whose got a boy"
Or
" I think you should only day that to the mother of a girl "
Or, if you are really annoyed
" that's a very sly way of telling me my taste in baby clothes is bad, when actually it's none of for business ".

VestalVirgin · 12/01/2017 15:31

If you wouldn't say it to a friend trying to conceive, isn't it a slightly provocative thing to post on a forum with plenty of women trying to conceive, and a fair share of them struggling?

Because if you go out in public, like a forum, you expect to deal with things that hurt your feelings.
There also are women to whom pregnancy is a curse and who want an abortion. They exist in the public sphere, and I will not ask them to coddle the feelings of women who try to conceive by lying about their own reality.

I'd think the "pregnancy is a blessing" thing silly to hear from a friend who is trying to conceive, too. The only instance wherein I would tolerate or even agree with such a sentiment would be stating that her pregnancy is a blessing, because she waited and hoped for it so much.

I would not take kindly to being told whether or not I should feel blessed.

SantasBigHelper · 12/01/2017 15:32

I am one of two girls, I always wanted a girl, I was POSITIVE I'd have a girl, at the 16 week scan we were told it was a girl, everything was going to plan until 20 week scan where they spotted a scrotal sack Blush.

Still I couldn't get my head around not having a girl, whenever I envisaged the person inside my bump it was a girl, surely if they'd got it wrong once on the scan then it could still be a girl. It was as if I psychically KNEW it was a girl even though we'd been told otherwise.

Finally after a 42 week pregnancy, a 49 hour induced labour, an emergency section out popped...a boy. Grin

Now I love him more than anything, delighted and over the moon with my lovely boy (even though I might have called him 'she' a few times in the first early crazy days).

MikeUniformMike · 12/01/2017 15:38

Save your DS's baby clothes cos I reckon she's gonna have a boy too.

GreenShadow · 12/01/2017 15:47

Not saying she's right, but at least she's being honest.

I bet many people have secret preferences they wouldn't admit to.

MuseumOfCurry · 12/01/2017 15:48

Wow, how incredibly lacking in self-awareness she is!

However, the clothes for boys are pretty bad.

Osirus · 12/01/2017 15:58

Well, biology fails some of us.

I'm incredibly grateful to have my daughter, conceived through IVF. I am grateful to the amazing consultants and nurses who helped to create her.

I genuinely didn't mind if I was having a girl or boy. In fact, for some reason I was convinced she was a boy and only considered boys' names. I was surprised on delivery that she was a girl but certainly not disappointed. She's absolutely wonderful.

OrangePeels · 12/01/2017 16:04

I knew a woman who used to bang on about how she would hate to have a boy. She actually said to my friend - pregnant with a boy at the time - that if she found out she was having a boy she would have an abortion. Complete twat.

NotTheDroidYoureLookingFor · 12/01/2017 16:12

he says how much she hopes baby is a girl, how there's just no nice clothes for a boy

She needs to get her head on straight. Babies are not dress up dolls.

Summerwood1 · 12/01/2017 16:13

I had a girl and was delighted when I found out. I was workng as a nanny looking after 3 boys at the time so having a little girl was exciting for me.

Mummylin · 12/01/2017 16:29

Surely the most important thing is to have a healthy baby, not worry about the damn clothes they wear !! I have a dd and ds, I never found it to be a problem

MrsRJCxx · 12/01/2017 16:39

If she feels thats strongly about boys why get pregnant? Plenty of little baby girls out there waiting to be adopted if she wants a baby...
so insensitive.
I've always said i'd like a boy first so if i have a daughter further along the line, she has a big brother to beat the bullies up protect her.😂🙊

mrsmuddlepies · 12/01/2017 16:50

I think the problem of gender disappointment is exacerbated by the number of anti MIL posts on Mumsnet. Calling a girl a tomboy seems to be a positive term yet describing a boy as a cissy is horrible. Women are encouraged to be close to their families. The description 'Mummy's boy' is widely used on MN As a term of abuse. I read a silly survey recently that found men who were close to their mothers to be a red flag for a relationship. I think it is hard to be a man today and it is hard to be the mothers of sons.consequently a lot of women want daughters.
When women expected to have large families they took it for granted that they would have a mix of girls and boys. With smaller families that mix is much less likely.There is a big demand for sex selection in the USA and in my opinion it will eventually be legalised in the UK.
Until there is true equality in the west and men are encouraged to maintain close relationships with their birth families and help care for their own elderly relatives(as in China and India) you will find many women hoping for a daughter. I hope that the eventual arrival of equality of gender in China and India might also result in the end of gender specific abortions which has so slewed the male female ratio in these countries.

MargaretCavendish · 12/01/2017 17:09

Vestalvirgin I am not in any way saying that no one should ever admit that some pregnancies are unwanted, or indeed that women with unwanted pregnancies should not be able to admit that. I don't want that at all. However, what the OP and most of the thread is talking about are 'wanted' (or, at least, 'happy surprise') babies who it turns out are only 'wanted' if they're the desired sex. I don't think it's unfair to say that those women should practice being a bit more grateful for what they've got. They basically got what they wanted and now are throwing tantrums about the fact they can't have exactly what they want. I think that is pretty much the definition of ingratitude, and the fact that it seems to be based on outdated and offensive gender stereotypes makes it all the more pathetic. I don't think that situation is at all comparable to a woman experiencing unwanted pregnancy, and I think that only one of the two merits any sympathy.

Aroundtheworldandback · 12/01/2017 17:24

I think for some of these women it IS the cute girlie baby outfits, however laughable that is. They're thinking short term and just don't yet understand it's the personality not the gender of the child which will shape their whole parenting experience.

I think it's a given that everyone hopes for a healthy baby. These women are sort of being 'greedy' by expressing preference for a gender. As another poster pointed out, you get what you're given. I have a friend with a lifestyle beyond most people's dreams. There was literally nothing more she could wish for, apart for a girl after 3 boys. She had a 4th boy, got over it and can now see how amazing and different they all are to eachother and wouldn't change a thing.